Laptop Etiquette

Nile / Immolation / Krisiun
Slim's, San Francisco
January 30, 2010



This show marked the conclusion of Umlaut's 3 Nights Of Metal, with White Wizzard and Saint Vitus having occupied my previous 2 nights before this finale. Prior to the show Photo Ray and I stopped for food at the new location of Rosamunde Sausage Grill in The Mission. While the food lived up to the original Lower Haight location, there were an unusual number of Oriental hipsters in the place on this Saturday night (Note to the Federation of Oriental People (FOP): I didn't get the memo..). As we were walking up to Slim's we passed a sa-weet Immortal Toyota pickup.


Hopefully its Black Metal customization has protected it from the recent Toyota recall... HAIL.

This was the 3rd time in less than a year that Krisiun has come through San Franfuckincisco. The band last visited town 4 months ago so I was curious to see how they were holding up, since they've seemingly been on the road forever on this album cycle. Unfortunately, I have to say that the volume restriction that Slim's operates under really fucked up Krisiun's set for me. C'mon! A band like Krisiun onstage should have volume that makes your clothes move... Instead the volume level was typical of Slim's in recent times: A normal conversation was entirely possible no matter how hard the Brazilians raged onstage. However, despite the volume issue, Krisiun was the band Umlaut was there to see and the brothers delivered another strong set despite being 3rd on the bill. During Krisiun's set, Nile's merch guy played Solitaire on his laptop.. WTF?!

As Immolation set up, we recognized the waitress from Rosamunde Sausage Grill in The Mission as she entered the room. She had obviously come straight from work.. Nicely done, young lady.

For those keeping score, Immolation were the 2nd band from New York to come through S.F. with a name ending in "-tion" this month. I have to admit I've never been an Immolation fan, but the thing that came to mind while the crowd went off during their set is that there is a point where a dude's hair is TOO long and it crosses the line from being METAL to being HIPPIE... and Ross Dolan you've crossed that line, dude. When you can tuck your hair into your pants it's time to break out the patchouli; take 6 inches off and it'll be METAL again... sorry.. just being honest. On the other hand, Dolan's Noo Yawk accent totally made me want something from Nathan's. During Immolation's set, Nile's merch guy played Bejeweled on his laptop.. WTF?!

Nile are the type of band whose CD comes with a 24-page booklet with a ton of text and lyrics that I want to read... but come on, dudes.. it's impossible to read text that fucking small! Nile brings the blast beats with the best of them, but is it possible to O.D. on blast beats? Yes... yes it is possible. I gotta say that, eventhough this will lose me cred with the kidz, I didn't see why it was necessary for Karl Sanders to play a double neck guitar since all of Nile's songs sound the same live. There... I said it.

In case you hadn't noticed already, I was pretty underwhelmed by this entire evening. Slim's is rapidly becoming my least favorite local venue due to their ridiculous volume restriction (especially when the DNA Lounge next door can operate without such neutering of sound) and it's really affecting how much I enjoy bands there. I'm starting to second guess about even bothering to go to shows at Slim's, which is a bummer since I've been seeing bands there since the venue opened in 1988 (According to the Umlaut Archives tonight was approximately my 66th visit to the space).

As for the bands: I'm a Krisiun fan, but given this was their 3rd time through town on this tour I could only think about how I wished Alex would break character in between songs and talk to the crowd in his "normal" voice instead of his Krisiun Cookie Monster Metal voice. Also, although I do like the latest Nile album, both Immolation and Nile date from that time in Metal (the early-90's) when I wasn't *into* Metal, at least by the definition of that time. A quick review of the Umlaut Archives shows that back then I was heavily into bands like Neurosis, Melvins, Sleep... who weren't labeled "Metal" then, but they are considered "Metal" now... so does that mean in retrospect I really was Metal back then in a revisionist sort of way?? Confusing... Ironic... Discuss amongst yourselves.

Beer count for the night = 4. I didn't really pay that much attention to the merch because I was more caught up in what game Nile's merch guy was playing on his laptop. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags... and so ended Umlaut's 3 Days Of Metal... but it's still Saint Vitus, man... Saint Fucking Vitus... Still the show of the year so far.

I Bleed Black

Saint Vitus / Saviours / Laudanum
DNA Lounge, San Francisco
January 29, 2010



To quote the mighty Saint Vitus:

"I can tell by their eyes they're just a bunch of fucking unaware squares.
They can't tell just where I'm at... slice me wide.. I bleed black."

When I walked up to the DNA on this rainy San Francisco night I was struck by a sense of deja vu since it was exactly a year ago plus a day that Amebix flattened the city. The smell of unwashed black denim hit me... and I felt at home. This was the DNA's first show after being shut down for a month by the fascist California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control. Click HERE for the back story about all of the bullshit drama.... and it was cool that their first show back was a historical one like this! Fucking Saint Vitus playing in San Francisco for the first time in, like, FOREVER!

As I was putting my I.D. away, Oakland's own Laudanum were already bludgeoning onstage via their maddeningly great style of Drone / Doom. They really remind me of early Neurosis in that they create a dense, black, and bleak sonic wall of sound that's impossible not to get sucked into... It took me a minute to get my head back after they left the stage... and I'm glad I was able to give props to Becky (drums) after their set at the bar. Oakland is the Black Heart of Metal these days, man.

If Laudanum were the left fist representing Oakland tonight, then local heroes Saviours were the right fist of Oakland that brought the glorious pain; they were the perfect direct support act. The transition from Laudanum's bleak wasteland to Saviours full-tilt Metal boogie groove was perfect... and all the time they've spent on the road over the past year has honed them into a compelling steamroller onstage. When the Saviours put their foot on the monitor it isn't simply a pose... it's them staking claim to the stage with the foot figuratively clamped down on the throat of non-believers. You better start believing, motherfucker.

Saviours (Pic by Photo Ray)

If you don't know about Saint Vitus I have to say that you're not really part of the Umlaut Nation...sorry... just being honest. Go do your homework and come back to class when you're more prepared. During the break before Saint Vitus came on I realized what a great night it was... DNA reopening and showing off some upgrades (a new main floor!), the local flavor of the bill, and so many old and new friends in the house. It was special, man.

As Saint Vitus walked onstage I was a bit apprehensive that this might end up being "one of those" reunion shows where the old band would simply phone in it and not display any of the original fire that made them legends. I haven't mentioned how the DNA was sold out to the rafters and the excitement in the air around me was thick enough to cut with a knife... and it was special that I was standing with Lori Acid King since I know what Saint Vitus means to her (awww!). The first song was like a blur to me as I got my head around the fact that the band were really onstage.. but then they launched into 'I Bleed Black' as the 2nd song of the set and it was game over, man... game over.

Saint Vitus (Pic by Photo Ray)

For the next two hours it was like sitting underneath a cement mixer and having glorious volume poured onto my head and soul. Wino's voice was note perfect and you could tell he was *into it* as he grabbed the mic stand to deliver one Saint Vitus classic after another. The legendary bottom end was still anchored by Mark Adams with new drummer Henry Vasquez in the balance. Dave Chandler is technically not the best guitarist, but what he has that most guitarists lack is TONE. His TONE is personal... His TONE is a beast leashed to his heart that does his bidding.. His TONE is so fucking THICK. His TONE scares me (in a good way) down to my core... His TONE inspires me.

For me, the band's performance spiked with an absolutely mesmerizing version of 'Dying Inside'... Is there a more compelling and personal song about battling personal demons? Nope... and watching Wino sing those lyrics again... chills, man..... chills... down... my... spine. "Drinking has wasted my life... and I'm dying inside.."

After such a riveting, magical set I was expecting the band's signature song 'Born Too Late' to be anti-climatic... since it was the song everyone was waiting to here.. and when Wino asked "What song is it you wanna hear?!" I don't think anybody shouted out 'Freebird'... but when they launched into 'Born Too Late' it was like I was hearing the song for the first time again. It's amazing to say but, on this rainy night in San Francisco here in the 21st Century, Saint Vitus sort of changed my life again too. As we made our way back to the car and to Taqueria Can-Cun on Mission for 1:00am burritos I felt really glad and thankful to be alive.

Umlaut's 1:00am vegetarian burrito

Of course, given the magnitude of the show, the Umlaut Nation was out in force tonight... so a shout out to Lori, Joey, Johnny, Rafa, Jason, Photo Ray, Crow, Montana Chris, Wexford Girl, The Bassist, Leila, Tscam, Jenn, and Stacy.

I think Vitus shirts were $20... Patches were $5... that's all I noticed. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Saint Vitus, man... Saint Fucking Vitus... Show of the year so far.

"I bleed black..."

Click HERE to see the DNA Lounge's photos from the night.

Back To The Future

Swashbuckle / White Wizzard
January 28, 2010
Thee Parkside, San Francisco

The current "New Wave Of Traditional Metal" movement (aka NWOTHM) kind of freaks me out; are these kidz taking the piss out of Old Metal (aka MY Generation of Metal) or are they legitmate believers?? They mirror the same cheesy lyrics and good musicianship of the original New Wave Of British Heavy Metal (NWOBHM) bands, and even copy the same low-fi sounding mixes of the old recordings. However, it's weird for me to hear bands trying to recreate the low-fi Metal sound of the bands from my youth because that sound was a result of the old bands not being able to afford anything better. I've gone back and forth with the genre, but out of all the NWOTHM bands White Wizzard has won me over. As one friend said, they are more NWOBHM than alot of the original NWOBHM bands were..


Trivia: The art on White Wizzard's latest t-shirt was done by legendary artist Derek Riggs (For the newbies: Riggs did ALL of Iron Maiden's iconic artwork back in The Day). Also, the cover art for their upcoming new album Over The Top was done by the guy who does the art for Guitar Hero; I like how the band understands how to brand itself with strong art.

Art by Derek Riggs

When I arrived at Thee Parkside a line was wrapped around the corner and I met up with Montana Chris, who happened to be in town for work. Unfortunately, there was Will Call drama when my name wasn't on the White Wizzard guest list like it was supposed to be... but shit happens and we made it inside eventhough we had to listen to the set opener 'Over The Top' from outside...

I was very curious to see how this younger crowd would respond to White Wizzard's vintage style of Metal (aka harmonies... actual singing)... but I had nothing to worry about as the packed room felt like being in a time machine back to The Old Metal Days of the early-80's; the kidz *got it*... I was impressed how the band displayed the musicianship onstage that I was expecting, with the retro twin axe attack of Chad and Erik ringing like something being channeled from the past. It's true that most of White Wizzard's songs are variations of the "Iron Maiden gallop" (bass and drums pounding in unison like charging horses) but I don't have a problem with it. Good songs are good songs.. and as their set closed with 'White Wizzard' I could feel that the buzz about the band had been planted in San Francisco.

After the band's set we chatted with Jon (bass) at the merch table and I said that I, like, totally dig the new Over The Top CD... and he got a funny look on his face and said "You've heard it??"... DOH! Then I realized that the new disc hasn't been released yet (a February release date) and their label (Earache) had sent me an advance copy. Awkward... Dude! I didn't illegally download it!

I was not intending to stay for Swashbuckle's entire set, nor was I even expecting to remotely like them. I'd seen pictures of them and thought "WTF?! A Metal band from New Jersey who dress like fucking Pirates and who sing songs about being Pirates?? Fucking LAME..."... but, you know what, the schtick totally works live!


Onstage their sense of humor reminded me of BlöödHag in how the schtick and jokes are razor sharp and on target but they don't overdo it... and the crowd action in the packed room fed off the band's brand of old style Thrash Metal impressively; the Pirates obviously have a decent fanbase. The kidz in the crowd gave me a reality check during Swashbuckle's set and reminded me how FUN it could be seeing a band. The set's highlight featured two of the band's guests jumping onstage wearing parrot and shark costumes as they led the crowd in the song's chorus of "Yo Ho Ho!" and Admiral Nobeard (vox / bass), in keeping with the band's nautical theme, directed the crowd to form a "Wave of Death" (HaHa!) which they did despite the small space. I know, it sounds lame, but it totally worked. Pirate Metal... who woulda thunk? I'll gladly see Swashbuckle again if only to laugh... not at them.. but with them.

Also on the bill tonight was Tyr and Korpiklaani. Something I didn't mention earlier was the number of kidz in the house who were wearing chainmail, leather armor, and generally looking like they were at a D&D dress up party... I assumed they were there to see these two bands.. one who plays Viking Metal and the other Folk Metal. Okay, I'll admit Pirate Metal wasn't so bad... and I probably should have watched Tyr because I do like quite a bit of the Viking Metal stuff.. but my Old Metal soul simply can't abide Folk Metal... so after spending most of Tyr's set chatting with friends on the patio, and being introduced to Chad of White Wizzard, I made a early exit and rolled back into Casa de Umlaut at a decent hour.

Umlaut > Chad White Wizzard > Montana Chris

I meant to do a merch audit but ended up forgetting about it. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Metal is SO serious sometimes... and Umlaut does prefer his Metal SERIOUS and DARK.. but this show reminded me that, when I was a kid, Metal was also FUN... and it's cool to have fun even if you're an Old Fart Metalhead.. isn't it?

The Holy Grail

THE Holy Grail when it comes to Metallica is the proshot video footage from their August 31, 1985 set at Oakland Stadium. This show came 2 weeks after the band had played their biggest show to date in front of 80,000 at the Castle Donington Festival in England. It was pretty amazing to even see Metallica's name on the bill since I'd grown up attending Bill Graham's Day On The Green shows at Oakland Stadium; they were a Bay Area institution dating back to 1973. When the band stormed onstage with 'Creeping Death' it was even more amazing and, as we thrashed and raged down front, I still couldn't really get my head around the fact that Metallica were playing a fucking Day On The Green! Although they were the 4th band on the bill, the local boys completely owned the day... COMPLETELY. After Metallica left the stage, I remember the stage manager saying something sarcastic like "That was interesting..." before announcing that Y&T were up next... The old hippies of Bill Graham Presents didn't have a clue about Metallica.. but 6 years later they would headline the same stadium and have the Number One album in the country.

The only official use of any footage showing a complete song was 'For Whom The Bell Tolls' on the 1987 Cliff 'Em All video compilation... but other than this one clip nothing else has ever been officially released.

From Cliff 'Em All

Also, as far as I know, aside from this 5:00 minutes of footage, the only other clips that have even surfaced over the years from this show are these snippets of 'Ride The Lightning':




Okay, SOMEONE out in the Umlaut Nation must know SOMEBODY who has a history with Tasco Video, right? As credited in the last clips, Tasco was the production company in charge of the stadium's video feed in Oakland on that day in 1985. SOMEBODY has to have the complete footage from this show... and I'm tasking... nay.. I'm DARING the Umlaut Nation to prove me correct! Find me this footage, my minions. You can e-mail me offline and I will use the utmost confidentiality of course. Danke schön!

(From the Umlaut Archives)

Master Of Sandwiches

The following was sent by Umlaut friend Jim up in Oregon. It's from the menu of 3rd Street Pizza Company in McMinnville, Oregon:


One of these sandwiches is the major rager on the 4-string motherfucker.

Before E-Mail: Mercyful Fate Part 2

Another exciting installment of Before E-Mail!

Umlaut's old friend Konaquon found this letter that was sent to him a long, long time ago in a galaxy that was WAY more Metal than you will ever be. It was written by Mercyful Fate's manager John Kibble and included with the band's shirt that Konaquon ordered via mail order:


25-1-84

Dear David

Thanks for taking the trouble to write to me regarding MERCYFUL FATE. I've sent along an MF biog & merchandising sheet which I hope you will find informative. If there's anything you would like please let me know. You can pay by sending US $ bills or an International Money Order in US $ payable to JOHN KIBBLE. Thanks.

OK, we look forward to hearing from you again soon, and please, spread the word on M.F.

All the best
John Kibble + M.F.

Hope you enjoy the shirt.

Konaquon also sent a scan of the insert card from his Fate bootleg cassette (Sacramento 10/21/84!). It was autographed by King Diamond and Timi Grabber when he gave them a ride to their 1984 San Francisco in-store appearance at The Record Vault in his legendary orange Capri:


"King Diamond Satanic Regards... All the best Timi Grabber... Thanks for the ride."

Konquon says about his old car:

It's funny, but that little orange Capri drove around members of Mercyful Fate, Anthrax, Armored Saint, Slayer, and Cliff Burton!!! In fact the passenger seat was autographed by King Diamond!!! I wonder where that seat is now?!!!

Here's a pic of Dave in the old Capri.. Who's that cute girl in the passenger seat!? Oh wait.. that's Old Metal Erik.. Sorry, dude.

Circa 1984-85 (Pic by Corbie)

Old Metal Erik chimed in with his memories of that FATEful ride:

Fact check... If I'm not mistaken, Quon drove them from The Record Vault to The Kabuki - or to be more precise, to the Kyoto Inn, across from the Miyako Hotel, after the in-store and prior to soundcheck. I remember this because I drove Kim Ruzz in my piece-of-shit, hand-me-down Volvo sedan. In total fanboy mode, I embarrassed him by telling him that he was an influence on my drum playing. Hilarious!! We stopped to get him smokes, and he asked what the strongest non-filter cigs were. We were all Marlboro kids, but suggested Camel "straights". He smirked and told us that those tasted like air.

Yeah, I was pretty cute in those days, huh?

HahahahaHA!!

In the future will people get as much nostalgia from finding old e-mails and attachments?? I'm happy I grew up when I did...

"Nuns have no fun... They only have their fathers and sons."

Before E-Mail: Mercyful Fate

Another exciting installment of Before E-Mail!

Umlaut's old friend K.J. Doughton found this letter from a long, long time ago in a galaxy that was WAY more Metal than you will ever be. It was sent to K.J. in the Fall of 1982 by Mercyful Fate's manager John Kibble not long after the release of Mercyful Fate's debut EP. Reading this letter from the last century is the closest thing you'll ever get to time travel:


Dear KJ,

Hi, it's really nice to hear from you again. First off, thanks immensely for the package. The Cintron I didn't have and indeed should have. It's very enjoyable, especially NEVER TO RETURN. Thanks also for the Witchkiller review and tape. Trouble, which I really like, very Sabs but great. The Witchkiller just made issue #1 and should be ready in 14 days. A friend and co-editor is compiling and printing issue one and I'm up to my neck in MF just now. It'll probably be my pleasure to do Issue #2 so keep the reviews, etc. coming won't you.

Listen, you didn't mention what size shirt you wanted so I put in large. If I've grossly miscalculated then sell it and forward the money for a correct size. As for Virgin Steele, don't worry about the album. I picked up a copy from the company that's released it in the UK. On the question of Danger Zone, it was a post-Brats experiment involving Michael Denner, Timi Grabber and King Diamond.

As for the Brats LP, it is very difficult to find having been deleted for a while and only available on CBS Holland anyway. If ever I turn a copy up I'll keep it for you. Promise. You mentioned the Overlord and Demon Flight EP's,. Can you please get me one of each and send them. i'll be glad to pay the cost or find some things for you. Vinyl/tape. A couple of tapes to interest you might be 58 minutes of the new Manoward LP - sorely won't all get released. Also 2 Danish demos from great new bands: Pretty Maids 10-tracks, Witchcross, 2 tracks.

Listen, on April 15th MF's BBC Session is played and I'll send you a copy when it's broadcast. 3 songs recorded 10 days ago and the best work they've done yet. Satan's Fall, Evil, Curse of the Pharoahs (rewritten). MF just did a week in England including 2 gigs and a Kerrang photo sessions. King Diamond interviewed with Malcom Dome, and the BBC session.

Also, the biggest news. The band has left Rave-On and we are currently looking for a label to record our album for. We should have some badges/patches/posters soon. I'll keep you informed. Until then, wear the shirt with pride and believe me, we appreciate your support. Write soon.

All the Best,

John Kibble
Mercyful Fate

From Kerrang! Issue #15 - May 1982 (From the Umlaut Archives)

Much has been made over the years about how Metallica used tape trading in the early-80's to build a sizeable underground following worldwide with their cassette demo tapes. While this is absolutely true, I have to say that the first Metal band to make an impact on me via that early tape trading scene was Mercyful Fate, whose tapes I received at least a couple of months before Metallica's demo.

The first Fate tapes to make it to San Francisco were live recordings that basically served as "live" demos, including one set recorded when they opened for Gillan, which was a WTF bizarre bill even back then (that show is mentioned in the above Kerrang! article). Those early live Fate recordings became iconic to us, not only because of the heavy mind blowing Satanic Metal, but because of King Diamond's between song banter. His rants included dialogue such as "Do you want HEAVY?! We'll give you HEAVY!!" said in his scary Danish accent. It must be noted that James Hetfield (an early Fate fan of course) copped that line and still uses it onstage today. Umlaut traded letters with John Kibble back then too but, alas, all I have in the Umlaut Archives is the copy of Fate's 1st demos with Kibble's handwritten track listing:

Despite this early groundswell of Mercyful Fate fans in The Bay Area, we would still have to wait 2 years before Fate finally toured the U.S., but they did play two Northern California shows on their debut tour:

Sacramento and San Francisco - October 1984
(From the Umlaut Archives)

In the future will people get as much nostalgia from finding old e-mails and attachments?? I'm happy I grew up when I did...

"No way to survive this evil night... If the dead won't leave you alone."

Before E-Mail: Old Metal

Another exciting installment of Before E-Mail!

Umlaut's old friend Konaquon found this letter that I sent to him a long, long time ago in a galaxy that was WAY more Metal than you will ever be. Note that it was typed on a typewriter as well! Reading this letter from the last century is the closest thing you'll ever get to time travel:

The letter dates from the short time when Umlaut *ran* (for lack of a better term) the Official Megadeth Fan Club out of my Teenage Metalhead bedroom at the request of Dave Mustaine. Up to that point the band had only played around 6 shows. For the newbies: These early Megadeth shows featured Kerry King on 2nd guitar but, as the letter says, he had not left Slayer... and he never did.

It's interesting to note that Megadeth was selling shirts before they had even recorded their 1st demo tape! Impressive, but it shows what kind of icon Mustaine was in the underground Metal Scene back then despite his short time with Metallica. For the newbies: Metallica's only releases featuring Mustaine were 3 cassette demo tapes.

The other mind blowing thing about this letter is all of the long forgotten details it contains: Local concert dates, band gossip, album gossip, and even when Cliff Burton was back home in the Spring of 1984 (after Metallica recorded Ride The Lightning in Europe). I was an information junkie even at a young age and the letter notes 2 Slayer shows I attended that are not listed in the Umlaut Archives! I'll have to add them now.. Also, how can you not love that Mustaine described his own new drummer as looking like a poser! That poor guy was doomed from the start... Hilarious, right?

However, the ironic thing is that Umlaut was selling merch back then... from my bedroom. Fast forward to the 21st Century and my life continues to come full circle. For those who give a shit, you can learn more about Umlaut's history with Megadeth at:

• Megadeth: Smith Corona Days Revisited
• Megadeath [sic]
• Umlaut's Megadeth Flickr Set

In the future will people get as much nostalgia from finding old e-mails and attachments?? I'm happy I grew up when I did...

"Did you see Scorpions? They sucked so badly!!!!!!"

Plan B

Devildriver / Suffocation / Goatwhore
Slim's, San Francisco
January 8, 2010



I was supposed to be on a plane to London while this show raged, but the brutal winter weather forecast for Albion this weekend changed those travel plans... which fucked up Umlaut's Metal plans, but when the Rock Godz (and work) beckons you can't deny them. Anyway, this show ended up being my Plan B... and long story short I was on The List so off I went to Slim's for the first time this year / decade. According to the Umlaut Archives this was at least my 65th visit to Slim's dating back to when it opened in 1988.

I've become a legit Goatwhore fan since their metalmorphosis last year into a 21st Century version of Celtic Frost with the release of the Carving Out The Eyes Of God album. Unfortunately, the neighborhood volume restriction that Slim's operates under really hamstrings Metal shows they host most of the time. Goatwhore's volume should have had my clothes vibrating from the decibels, but instead I could have had a conversation while they played; it's not right! Evidence of how low the volume was can be heard in how relatively clean the audio is on Umlaut's video... usually the mic on my aging SD600 Point & Shoot screams in agony and can't handle concert decibels, but not last night:

'Carving Out The Eyes Of God'

Anyway, this was the 3rd time I've seen the boyz from NoLa on this tour... and their focused, 3rd-band-on-the-bill setlist was as tight as an unshucked Gulf oyster with the version of 'The All-Destroying' being particularly great tonight. The set was tighter than the last time they played S.F. 4 months ago and I appreciated how the set was weighted even more towards the new songs. It's too bad they had to close with the searing 'Apocalyptic Havoc' because a void was created when they left the stage after that. "Who needs a God, when you've got Satan.." Word.

Before Suffocation I wanted to see just what a "VIP" pass would do for me at Slim's tonight, so we went outside. We walked down the street and around the corner to the alley that runs behind Slim's. There was a security kid perched on a stool but he barely glanced at us as we marched past him, weaved our way past Goatwhore's gear as they did their load out, and returned inside via the back door. Note to Slim's: Tighten up that alley security! If I had been an Al-Qaeda "boxer or briefs" bomber you could have had problems, dudes. Anyway... my between set wanderlust was satisfied and we settled into another beer and Suffocation.

I can't say I've ever been a big Suffocation fan since they arrived in the wave of Metal that came along after my original stint in The Metal Army... That was when Umlaut was listening to music that dealt with subjects other than Satan, etc. (Hail Bob Dylan!); Suffocation are a band who I learned about after the fact... However, Umlaut is an Old Metal fart and it goes without saying that it warms when my heart when a band that's been around as long as Suffocation can still *bring it* live. Musicianship and attitude can't be taught, it has to be crafted over years, and the boyz from Long Island have done the work and paid their dues... and, to quote Photo Ray, they're like a poor man's Meshuggah, without all of the tech behind their blast beats. Although Frank's rant about guns could have been filled by another song... Sorry, just saying.. I would try to write some witty text here involving Long Island / New York slang... but I can't pull it off.. so insert your own. The most charming part of Suffocation's set was standing next to 1/2 of Machine Head as they geeked out over the performance. CUTE!

After Suffocation, we FINALLY met up with Wexford Girl and The Bassist.. and I joked that I wanted a cheeseburger. Fast forward a couple of songs into Devildriver's set and I turned to be greeted by this sight:


A CHEESEBURGER and FRIES delivered to me at stage left as the headliners roared onstage.. Not bad, right? Was it Poser for me to enjoy a cheeseburger and a beer while several hundred kidz got all sweaty and bruised in The Pit 20 feet in front of me on the other side of the barrier? Probably.. but I didn't give a fuck.

Devildriver weren't bad, but my appreciation of them is because Dez is such a charismatic, down to Earth front man. He's one of those old school style guys who understands how to connect with his audience without bullshit. Yeah, Devildriver's music treads a road that's been driven countless times by other bands, but 'Back With A Vengeance' is the best song Slipknot should have written; I think that's a compliment... sort of.. I guess. One thing that I was reminded about while watching Devildriver and their crowd was that every band is someone's favorite band, even when I'm a jaded "been there, done that" mofo. Respect.

I have to admit the best part of Devildriver's set was when Dez pointed at The Bassist and gave him a shout out... Stoners! Which led to an example of how to use an All Access laminate to your advantage: The Bassist made his way past security by flashing the plastic until he got to the backline and then he spiked the night's fun with a little crowd action of his own. Watch carefully or you'll miss his dive > mid air flip > dismount:


As a judge I would give it a 3.4 for style and a 4.1 for difficulty. Sorry, dude.

After the final song we wandered downstairs to the dressing rooms to squeeze out what little Rock Star action could be found... which was basically Umlaut being introduced to Terrance of Suffocation (Thanks Stacy!) and Matt Pike sans shirt.. but that's nothing new, right? This was followed by chatting with friends and new acquaintances at the bar before Last Call.. Then standing outside of Devildriver's bus waiting to be allowed on board to socialize.. but after about 15 minutes of standing on the cold sidewalk I got that "been here, done that" feeling and I said my good night. I mean, it wasn't the Metallica bus we were waiting for, right?

I know, there are some of you reading this saying "What the fuck?? This review is BULLSHIT!! He's barely writing about the bands!" All I can say is, I'm NOT a "journalist" and I write for myself and not you; I write for FUN. Oh, speaking of fun... THANKS to Hard Rock Chick for presenting me with this bit of San Francisco history at the show: A replica of a vintage S.F. brothel token! Slim's Palace at Slim's!


"Cold Beer - Hot Ladies - One Screw".. On the back it says "Good For All Night".. The "Good 'Ol Days" were so, like, METAL. History Geeks Rule!

I didn't do a merch audit... Although I should have since 1/4 of what was for sale affects Umlaut directly. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. So at this time next week Umlaut should be back in his beloved England.. but at the cost of missing some shows that might have been highlights of my 2010. Oh well, sometimes The Rock Godz ask you to make sacrifices and I must abide by their wishes; I can only trust that I will be rewarded later. Amen.

Before E-Mail...

For the newbies: In ancient times (BEFORE e-mail... shocking!) people communicated by things called "letters" or "postcards" that they sent via something called a "post office". Back in 1992 Umlaut was a xeroxed 'zine and MTV licensed the use of some of my old photos in a Metallica "Rockumentary" (an early version of VH1's Behind The Music). In order to get the word out about this exciting event in Umlaut history I utilized the ancient art of "postcard writing":


To be honest I have absolutely NO MEMORY of sending this announcement out!! Wow... was I really that fucked up back then?? THANKS to Umlaut Nation brother DeVito for sharing this artifact. Trivia: Many of the same photos were later used in both the Metallica AND Megadeth episodes of Behind The Music.

Metallica: Behind The Music (1998)

Exit light, enter night..

Another One Down

Vintage Old Metal Decal

It was an "interesting" year for Umlaut after 2008's weirdness and chaos. It wasn't necessarily a bad year, but I think when the history book is written, my 2009 will be called my "Lost Year" for reasons that some of you know about... and some of you don't. I felt like I had been vacuum sealed for 365 days and put into a freezer, but it looks like I'm about to be taken out, thawed, and unleashed again. Umlaut will continue to fight the hordes, sing and cry, and we will see what the next 8,760 hours bring. As always, THANKS to Skychick, Fredo, Dixie, Eddie, and Buggers for keeping the plane at cruising altitude despite any turbulence or bullshit that comes our way.

I will now quote that British band: "Let The Music be your Master, will you heed The Master's call?"... and with those words, here's my 2009 scorecard:

1. 01/20/09 - Willie Nelson - The Fillmore
2. 01/21/09 - Saturn Returns - Elbo Room
   
3. 01/25/09 - Amebix / Annihilation Time - Great American Music Hall
4. 02/04/09 - Meshuggah / Cynic - Slim's
5. 02/06/09 - Social Distortion / The Devil Makes Three - The Fox Theater
   
6. 02/08/09 - Fucked Up / Mika Miko - The Independent
7. 02/10/09 - Cradle Of Filth / Satyricon / Septicflesh - The Grand
   
8. 02/20/09 - Celine Dion - HP Pavilion
   
9. 03/07/09 - Saros - El Rio
   
10. 03/23/09 - Destruction / Krisiun - Slim's
11. 03/26/09 - Carcass / Death Angel / Suicide Silence - The Grand
    
12. 04/04/09 - Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony - Public Hall [Cleveland]
13. 04/07/09 - Green Day - The Independent
14. 04/09/09 - Green Day - DNA Lounge
    
15. 04/12/09 - Anvil - Slim's
16. 04/14/09 - Green Day - The Fox Theater
    
17. 04/15/09 - Leonard Cohen - Paramount Theatre
    
18. 04/15/09 - Green Day - Uptown
    
19. 04/19/09 - Mastodon / Kylesa - Great American Music Hall
20. 04/23/09 - Throbbing Gristle - The Grand
21. 05/03/09 - Anvil - The Bridge Theatre
22. 05/07/09 - Cheap Trick - May Fairgrounds [Dixon]
23. 05/07/09 - Coffins / Stormcrow - Annie's Social Club
24. 05/12/09 - General Surgery / Ghoul - DNA Lounge
25. 05/19/09 - The Kills / The Horrors / Magic Wands - The Fillmore
26. 05/21/09 - Gojira - Slim's
27. 05/22/09 - Jane's Addiction / Nine Inch Nails / Street Sweeper Social Club - Shoreline Amphitheatre
28. 06/03/09 - Mayhem - DNA Lounge
29. 06/05/09 - Death Angel - Voodoo Lounge
30. 06/12/09 - Testament - The Fillmore
31. 06/13/09 - Acid King / Black Cobra - Bender's
32. 06/18/09 - Shellac / Arcwelder - Great American Music Hall
33. 06/19/09 - PJ Harvey - Warfield Theatre
34. 06/22/09 - Isis - The Blank Club
35. 06/23/09 - Isis - Great American Music Hall
36. 06/26/09 - Warped Tour - Pier 30/31
37. 07/03/09 - Green Day - Key Arena [Seattle]
38. 07/04/09 - Green Day / The Bravery - GM Place [Vancouver]
39. 07/10/09 - Mayhem Tour - Sleep Train Amphitheatre [Sacramento]
40. 07/11/09 - Mayhem Tour - Shoreline Amphitheatre
41. 07/14/09 - Goatwhore / Daath - Thee Parkside
42. 07/27/09 - Kill Hannah / Seventh Void / Dommin - Slim's
43. 07/27/09 - Spinnerette / Mini Mansions - Great American Music Hall
44. 07/29/09 - Judas Priest / Whitesnake - California Mid-State Fair [Paso Robles]
45. 07/30/09 - Black Cobra / Grayceon - Thee Parkside
46. 08/02/09 - Sonic Youth / Awesome Color - The Fox Theater
47. 08/07/09 - Green Day / Kaiser Chiefs - New Orleans Arena [New Orleans]
48. 08/08/09 - Green Day / Franz Ferdinand - Toyota Center [Houston]
49. 08/10/09 - Heaven & Hell / Coheed And Cambria - Warfield Theatre
50. 08/11/09 - Book Of Black Earth / Landmine Marathon - Thee Parkside
51. 08/14/09 - Down / Melvins / Weedeater - The Grand
52. 08/18/09 - Green Day - HP Pavilion
53. 08/20/09 - Warped Tour - Shoreline Amphitheatre
54. 08/24/09 - Green Day - Arco Arena
55. 08/27/09 - Saros - The Eagle Tavern
56. 08/28/09 - Hammers Of Misfortune / Ludicra / Amber Asylum - Great American Music Hall
57. 08/29/09 - Outside Lands Festival - Golden Gate Park
58. 09/10/09 - Obituary / Goatwhore / Krisiun - Slim's
59. 09/11/09 - Metallica - Marin Veterans Memorial Auditorium
60. 09/21/09 - In Flames / Between The Buried And Me / 3 Inches Of Blood - The Grand
61. 09/24/09 - OM / Lichens - The Independent
62. 09/29/09 - Kylesa / Bison b.c. / Landmine Marathon - Chasers [Scottsdale]
63. 10/02/09 - Dethklok / Mastodon - Roseland [Portland]
64. 10/03/09 - Motörhead / Reverend Horton Heat / Nashville Pussy - Roseland [Portland]
65. 10/05/09 - Motörhead / Reverend Horton Heat - Warfield Theatre
66. 10/09/09 - Motörhead / Reverend Horton Heat - Club Nokia [Los Angeles]
67. 10/10/09 - Nashville Pussy / Chelsea Girls - House Of Blues [Las Vegas]
68. 10/21/09 - Alice Cooper / Jetboy - Warfield Theatre
69. 10/21/09 - Fu Manchu - Bottom Of The Hill
70. 10/23/09 - Slipknot / Deftones - San Jose State Event Center
71. 10/24/09 - Ufomammut / Acid King - Varnish Gallery
72. 10/24/09 - The Mummies - Bottom Of The Hill
73. 10/27/09 - Pelican / Black Cobra - The Independent
74. 10/30/09 - Secrets Of The Moon / Divine Heresy - Thee Parkside
75. 11/03/09 - Rob Zombie / Nekromantix - San Jose State Event Center
76. 11/04/09 - Puscifer / Uncle Scratch's Gospel Revival - The Fox Theater
77. 11/06/09 - Jello Biafra / Ludicra / Munly & the Lupercalians - Great American Music Hall
78. 11/07/09 - Devo - The Grand
79. 11/12/09 - Anvil Chorus - Slim's
80. 11/19/09 - Them Crooked Vultures - The Fox Theater
81. 11/21/09 - Dethklok / Mastodon / Converge - San Jose State Event Center
82. 11/22/09 - KISS / Buckcherry - Oakland Coliseum
83. 12/06/09 - Marduk / Nachtmystium - DNA Lounge
84. 12/08/09 - Metallica / Machine Head - Arco Arena
    

This year featured the return Stalking Tour Manager Doug that took in 10 shows, 8 cities, and 2 countries and in any other year that would have been the event to overshadow everything else... but, amazingly, Umlaut's year was defined by *THAT* band: Metallica...

I'll never talk shit about Metallica again after my experience with them in Cleveland during their induction into The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. People often say a concert was a "once in a lifetime experience", but my experience in Cleveland was easily the most profound once in a lifetime experience imaginable. Yeah, The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is a bullshit elitist, out of touch institution... but The Hall of Fame sought out Metallica and the band used the moment to celebrate their career in the most INCLUSIVE way imaginable: By hosting a once in a lifetime reunion of old friends and associates dating back to when they were unknown pimply-faced teenagers. As I said in my rant in this space about the experience, there has never been so many people gathered in one room who knew Cliff Burton (including me) and 26 years of my life came full circle that weekend. Man, I followed a band from their demo tape to The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame... How many people can say that?! Plus... I stood 5 feet away from JIMMY PAGE at the party!! Sing and cry... Vahalla I am coming... AND I saw Metallica (with both Jason Newsted and Robert Trujillo on bass) perform 'Train Kept A-Rollin' with JIMMY PAGE, Jeff Beck, Joe Perry, Ron Wood, and Flea. ONCE... IN... A... FUCKING... LIFETIME.


To be honest, every other moment of my 2009 pales in comparison to that 5 minutes or so in Cleveland... but for the sake of variety some other highlights of my year were Amebix (If I had to pick ONE best concert in 2009 outside of Cleveland it would be this one!).. Gallows (TWICE!)... Shellac... General Surgery... Coffins.. Cheap Trick.. Secrets Of The Moon... Leonard Cohen ... Judas Priest and Whitesnake at a COUNTY FAIR... Mummies reunion show (!).. Ludicra (TWICE!)... Alice Cooper.. so many great memories... some other specific highlights from my year:

• Following Motörhead on tour for 4 dates and having quality time with Lemmy.
  
• Acid King's first hometown shows in almost 3 YEARS (!) and seeing my brothers Black Cobra 3x as they released their excellent new album.
• Falling under the wheels of Landmine Marathon and traveling to their desert homeland to see them.
• Pulling off 5 doubleheader gig nights.
• Being able to say that I saw both Celine Dion AND Slayer in the same year.
• Being able to say that the Celine Dion concert was better than Cradle Of Filth.. I'm completely serious.. Cradle Of Filth were awful.
  

This was also the year that I finally had to admit that I've fallen out of love with PJ Harvey. It was a long relationship that dated back to her debut U.S. Tour in 1992 when I saw her at Slim's. Sadly, her last couple of albums lost me... and her show on this tour made me finally realize that perhaps it's best that we don't see each other anymore. Polly Jean, it's not you.. It's me... Actually, it really is you but I don't wanna be an asshole about this..

Anyway, since I already have the first show of 2010 in the archives, I'm kind of not in the mood to write anymore about last year at this point. It was an inspiring year of seeing bands and having amazing life experiences as I chased volume in venues far and wide. They say a picture is worth a thousand words.. so here are my final 1,000 words about the year that was 2009:

Old Metal Brothers: K.J., Umlaut, James Hetfield, Ian
House Of Blues, Cleveland, Ohio - April 3, 2009

THANKS for all the support, readers and friends... I mainly rant in this space to entertain myself and to keep my mind sharp. The fact that people actually read my crap still surprises me... I will soon celebrate the 6th Anniversary of this space so let's see where The Rock Godz take me next.

See y'all on the other side..

New Year + Old Volume

Melvins
Great American Music Hall, San Francisco
January 2, 2010

Poster image courtesy of Secret Serpents

Umlaut's first show of the New Year / Decade! Prior to the show we stopped for German food and German beer at the awesome Schmidt's. Then we few, we happy few, made our way to The Big Rock Show. Umlaut's Inner Music Geek remembered that almost 18 years ago to the day I was at:

$5.00!

VERY good times... Longtime friends know that Umlaut has a lot of history with the Melvins but I hadn't hung out with a pass at one of their shows in over 10 years. It was nice to hang out backstage before the show and catch up with Dale... realize that Buzz still remembers me... and also reconnect with other Old School Melvins friends like Ben (Hey Ben!). It was also cool to chat with Meg of Totimoshi and get the update about her great band (FYI: They're on tour with Mastodon in Europe in February and then a Summer U.S. Tour with the Melvins...). However, despite the excellent company, the backstage food left something to be desired... but it was offset by the cool photo of Robert Plant taken in that same dressing room! It was snapped when he made an unannounced appearance with Buddy Miller last October.

Food...

Plant!

Anyway... After the socializing it was time for the Melvins to begin their "An Evening With" performance and they were scheduled to play 2 sets with a short intermission in between. No support acts... All Killer, No Filler.... or as Dale said "All Filler, No Killer"... Either way I was looking forward to it as we acquired fresh beers and settled in to watch the show from stage right.

Umlaut's first concert of the New Year / Decade opened with the OLD SCHOOL double shot of 'The Ballad Of Bright Fry' > 'It's Shoved'.. HOLY SHIT... I was seriously knocked sideways mentally by this song selection and my head was immediately transported back to those HEAVY days of the early-90's. Also, Coady Willis' drum kit was empty for the first part of Set #1 so it was a "classic" configuration of the Melvins (Buzz > Dale > bass) onstage at the beginning. My Old School head trip was heightened even more by the fact that the band's former bassist Lori Black was standing next to us... and I hadn't seen her since probably 1993.. Crazy.

'Hooch'!
(Vid by Umlaut)

The second set was highlighted by another Old School hammering with 'Anaconda', an extended and scathing rendition of 'Night Goat', and also a great version of 'The Bit'.. which is probably the Melvins' most well known song thanks to Mastodon's cover version.

However, despite all of my Music Geek nostalgia over the old songs, I was equally blown away by the newer material. Back when I first heard about the merging of the Melvins and Big Business into one band I was all, like, WTF?? The Melvins with TWO drummers? WTF? However, now that I've seen the lineup a couple of times I can say that I'm completely into it... From Day 1 the Melvins were always a band who did things their own way. Dale and Buzz always went against what people thought they were about and always strived to be the opposite of any creative expectations that others had... and over the years they've pretty much always found new (but still HEAVY and COMPELLING) ways to make their brand of music. While watching them over the course of the 2+ hours on this night I was very aware how caught up I was in their set and how easy it was for me to be a FAN of the band's creativity again... and that does not happen very often for Umlaut. Usually I'm a jaded mofo.

Halfway through the show deja vu hit me like a Doc Marten to the face AGAIN when I remembered that Skychick and I had watched the Melvins from the exact same spot at The Great American just over 16 years ago (!):

December 5, 1993
(Pic by Skychick)

Crazy, right? It's amazing and inspiring the kind of perspective life gives you as you get older. Age IS only a number! It was cool to reconnect with the Melvins after all this time, both personally and as a fan.. and the Umlaut Nation was out in force tonight as well... so a shout out to Joey, Johnny, Photo Ray, Wexford Girl, The Bassist, Cuevas, Lisawiz / Trent, and Photo Alan.

If you bought one of every Melvins merch item you would have paid NOTHING because they weren't selling any! Evidently since this was a one-off show they didn't bring any merch... which struck me as very odd... but Secret Serpents did have an awesome show poster for $25 which I think pretty much sold out. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. My New Year will be filled with some "interesting" adventures very early on in the next several weeks... some of which I'll rant about in this space... some that I won't... but at least Umlaut's 2010 got off to a very nice VOLUME fueled start!

Dale with The Old School Dudes

Umlaut's Theme Song as this New Year kicks off: 'Roadbull' -Melvins... and click HERE for some of Photo Ray's shots from the show!

Grunge Lives In Our Hearts

"That is not dead which can eternal lie... And with strange aeons even death may die..." - H.P. Lovecraft (from 'The Call of Cthulu')

That quote can be applied to many things if you hang around long enough... and you can add Grunge to that list of undead things that are being reanimated because Soundgarden are getting the band back together. Hear that? It's the sound of MILFs around the world screaming and preparing to get their tramp stamps reinked.

I know, I know... this news is being screamed by youngsters worldwide today.. but it's a slow day and Umlaut wanted to post something on the first day of the new year / decade.. and my 2009-In-Review rant isn't quite ready yet. To be honest, Skychick is more excited about this news than me... Although I did see Soundgarden a good 6x back in The Day... but when it came to Seattle bands I was mainly a Melvins and Alice In Chains kinda dude when it was all said and done. Anyway, a quick trip to the Umlaut Archives over my morning coffee yielded these artifacts:

A mere 4 days after the release of Badmotorfinger
Oakland Stadium - October 12, 1991
Metallica / Queensryche / Faith No More / Soundgarden

Superunknown Tour

Alice In Chains / Soundgarden
Summer 1994 Fan Club Merchandise Newsletter

Lollapalooza '96 - Spartan Stadium, San Jose, CA
Metallica / Soundgarden / Ramones / Melvins etc. etc.

Down on the Upside Tour

1996

Anyway, there you go... Umlaut's first post of 2010. Grunge should be back in the collective minds of the music buying public this year... I just wonder how the Melvins and Mudhoney feel about all of this since they're the only "Grunge" bands who've survived and kept it real... although I'm guessing they don't even give a fuck. Trivia: Umlaut cannot stand Pearl Jam (Sorry to those Umlaut Nation members who I've just offended... I still love you.. but don't hate my honesty..). Now how about a Tad reunion! Remember when Sleep supported Tad? Me too...