This post is dedicated to Jason Knuth, who was Umlaut's Kinko's Konnection Extraordinaire (Me: "How much do I owe for these copies?" Jason: "Don't worry about it..."). Sonic Knuth 4-Ever.
From Issue #1 (The debut Umlaut review...)
Metallica - Arco Arena, Sacramento - 1/11/92
We were supposed to be on the guest list. We weren't. We were pissed. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. We drove 300+ miles, halfway across the fuckin' state for nothing. Metallica probably cleared $200,000 that night. Corporate rock sucks.
From Issue #3
Neurosis - Brave New World, S.F. - 2/10/92
I stood behind Jello Biafra and he made out with his girlfriend for most of the show. It was like being at a Judas Priest concert at the Cow Palace with some slobbering guy and his bimbo girlfriend getting in your face. Get a room, pal! On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Neurosis didn't sell shirts, but the club did have PacMan.
From Issue #3
Dick Dale - Slim's, S.F. - 2/21/92
"I go through so many picks because I grind them so hard when I play they melt." - Dick Dale. I stood behind Jello Biafra again, this time in the merchandise line. I only wanted to get on the mailing list. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Jello got on the mailing list too.
From Issue #4
Public Enemy - Warfield Theater, S.F. - 3/3/92
For the third time in a month I stood behind Jello Biafra at a concert. He put Chapstick on before P.E. came out. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Lotza white folks, but they don't bother me none.
From Issue #6
Sonic Youth / Pavement - Warfield Theater, S.F. - 9/24/92
Hmmm. Things are blurry 'cause I'm writing this a couple of weeks after the show. On the way back to the car, some hazy and indistinct pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I seem to remember riding to the show in the back of a pickup truck.
From Issue #7
Uncle Tupelo / Stimmies - Slim's, S.F. - 2/22/93
Red neck rawk! I felt compelled to drink Budweiser and ride in a pickup, but had to settle for 20 Tank's dark and a Festiva. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Stimmies won cute drummer points, but Uncle Tupelo could take 'em in a bar fight.
From Issue #8
Nirvana / L7 / Disposable Heroes of Hiphopcrisy / The Breeders - Cow Palace, S.F. - 4/9/93
Joey and I watched a guy wearing a Metallica shirt play hackey-sack with a guy wearing a Slayer shirt: Clash of the Titans! Why do people play hackey-sack at arena shows but not at club shows??? On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Kurt Cobain dived from the top of his amps into the drum kit and Joey and I whooped like we were at a rodeo.
From Issue #8
Helmet / Jesus Lizard - Warfield Theater, S.F. - 4/30/93
Helmet onstage is about as exciting as watching mannequins lip sync. However, I highly recommend seeing Jesus Lizard stoned on pot brownies! On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I hit them with my purse and screamed "I am not! I'm a lady!" If Helmet had long hair they wouldn't be such bores. Ditch the gel and RAWK OUT!
From Issue #8
Fugazi - Pier 3, S.F. - 5/1/93
DIY is fine 'n dandy, but when the PA sounds like an AM radio and the venue is a cavernous warehouse, and the atmosphere is zero because the lights are kept on the entire show, and there is NO ALCOHOL (Fuck Straight Edge!), I'll take Corporate Rock any day, thank you very much! On the way back to the car some pimply-faced punks called us fags. I gave 'em baths and combed their hair. Still, it was only $6.00.
From Issue #11
L7 / Chokebore / Acid King - Slim's, S.F. - 12/21/94
The underage boys were out in force to stare doe-eyed at Lori Acid King. A 'lil punker passed out during The King's set. Obviously he couldn't handle the RAWK! Another mohawked tike had Anarchy embroidered on his jacket - Fuck that Hippie Shit! Alcohol consumption = 3 quality beers (2 free!). Backstage score = a bottle of Evian and a glimpse of Joey Acid King's hairy chest. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I chewed 3 sticks of gum and after the show Santa walked out of the Men's Room (It's true!).
From Issue #11
White Zombie / Babes In Toyland / Melvins - Event Center, San Jose - 6/28/95
I got off work early and drove down to San Jose. Big Wayne and I stopped to get a slice of pizza and then dodged commute traffic to get to downtown San Jose. We parked 2 blocks away from the arena. I was wearing a Black Sabbath shirt. During the walk we passed a couple of rocker guys and I heard one of them say "I'm going to kill that guy wearing the Black Sabbath shirt." We got to the Will Call window and had to stand behind radio station / music biz-types. My name wasn't on the guest list. Big Wayne and I went and got coffee. Then we went to a couple of used record stores. I bought the following albums for .99 cents each: Raging Slab, Pat Travers, Saxon, Molly Hatchet, and an old Echo & the Bunnymen EP. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Then I drove home.
