Time Machine

The streets of Berkeley, California... circa 1984.. Metalheads ruled the night..

Umlaut, Big Wayne, the Quon Mobile
(Pic by Dave Quon)

Mike Sammon (R.I.P.), Umlaut, Big Wayne, the Quon Mobile
(Pic by Dave Quon)

SLAYER - Ruthies Inn, Berkeley, CA - 1984
(Pic by Dave Quon)

Twisted Sister wore PINK makeup and stage clothes and had PINK cyclone fencing onstage.. They were not Metal.

Nostalgia Is My Business, And Business Is Good

The exciting sequel to Megadeth: Smith Corona Days Revisited!

This video clip was recently posted on YouTube: Megadeth @ The Keystone Berkeley - April 1984 with Kerry King of Slayer on 2nd guitar.


In another classic Metal Geek outburst, the video caused an e-mail firestorm amongst Umlaut's Old Metal Bruthas:

UMLAUT: WOAHHH....... I was there...... I've NEVER seen this!! Megadeth - Berkeley 1984 with Kerry King.

BIG WAYNE: It's Keystone Berkeley for sure. Look at the stage pole!

UMLAUT: Look at all the headbanging! I have pics from the soundcheck before this gig.. Will dig 'em up.

(Pics by Umlaut)

TED: where are these master videos?

UMLAUT: I have no idea.... I never knew the show was even filmed until today!

BRAD: I have visions of Sean Smithson and his big friend, Mr. Cuevas and myself guzzling a bottle of Smirnoff Blue label on the grassy knoll of the hospital parking lot before the gig then badgering Brian for the guest list - which he was waiting for from someone else.. Lee, the drummer, was a 19-year old from Kansas City who broke a cast off of his fractured foot to play this gig. He was booted from the band a week or two later. Didn't a female fronted Sentinel Beast open this show?

No matter how many years go by, when I see the parking lot off of Shattuck behind the hospital I think of being horribly drunk on the worst tasting (IMO) 100 proof vodka in the world. (Yes, I did throw up at some point during the evening. Never drank blue label again.) I think this was the first time I was backstage before a band I came to see played. Being sozzled definitely helped mask my disappointment at the time.

UMLAUT: Once again Brad's amazing photographic memory comes through! I forget the time frame... but when was the time Megadeth played the Keystone Palo Alto? When they had that HUGE plywood drum riser (as seen in the YouTube vid) and the Keystone stage manager raised a stink about it. It was ridiculous... It weighed a TON (and a half).

Rattle your f*cking head.

STEVE: So drunk in fact that the headbangers in question almost started a fight with an innocent passerby (who probably woulda kicked all our asses). Cuevas and Smithson were so soused they traded jackets. Smithson got the (not all that cool) leather, Cuevas the denim. And I still say denim is more metal than leather (discuss amongst yourselves)...plus I could stash more recording equipment in the many pockets...

The Palo Alto gig: Kerry King was wearing gigantic black-metal spikes all over. He looked like he was in GWAR. It was a storming show though.

Mustaine got me and Brad in for free. I had written him a letter requesting a demo. He was so pleased with the positive message that he not only sent the demo of his "new band", but wrote a long drunken note about how appreciative he was of fans and how fucked Metallica was. Then said to look for him before the show in PA. We did, and he was and he did (He was wearing a sweater by the way). I lost the letter, pathetic archivist that I am. And the demo. But at least no one called us fags (at least not that night)

MICKI: I used to have the entire show on video!

DRUNK TED: Well if I remember from the bootleg tapes I had of those first shows, I believe it was 4/15/84. The first 2 shows were 2/17 and 2/19 of '84. Then they did 3 more (also with Kerry King) in April (I believe it was the 15, 16, & 17th)

Of course you guys would know more, being there and all that!

UMLAUT: The geeks shall inherit the Earth....

TOUR MANAGER DOUG: I have the entire April 15, 1984 Keystone Megadeth show on video. Twice. Two different cameras. I'll get it to Mr. Umlaut who will be responsible for copies.

From the Doug archives :

• 2/17/84 - Berkeley, CA - Ruthies: Megadeth / Trouble / Abattoir
• 2/19/84 -San Francisco, CA - The Stone: Megadeth / Abattoir / Brocus Helm / Recluse / Black Leather
• 3/09/84 - San Francisco, CA - On Broadway: G.B.H. / Crime +4
• 3/17/84 - Berkeley, CA - Ruthies: Slayer / Black Leather
• 3/19/84 - Santa Rosa, CA - Steele / Deadly Blessing
• 3/20/84 - Santa Rosa, CA - Veterans Memorial: Ted Nugent / Scanner
• 3/22/84 - San Francisco, CA - Kabuki: M.S.G.
• 3/30/84 - Berkeley, CA - Ruthies: Exodus / Vicious Rumors / Temptress
• 4/15/84 - San Francisco, CA - The Stone: Megadeth / Razors Edge / Empire
• 4/16/84 - Santa Rosa, CA - Veterans Memorial: Saxon / Accept
• 4/17/84 - San Francisco, CA - Warfield Theater: Saxon / Accept
• 4/18/84 - San Jose, CA - Civic: Accept
• 4/18/84 - San Francisco, CA - The Stone: Megadeth / Steele +1

UMLAUT: Shite... I was at all of those except the Santa Rosa shows and GBH (with CRIME!? Doh..).. but Wayne and I saw GBH at around the same time with 7 Seconds at the Keystone Palo Alto.. We were so young and Metal: 4/18/84 - The legendary Metal Doubleheader day / night!

LAURALOHA: How come I was at all these shows and I didn't know any of you people???? I guess you didn't talk to chicks back then.... LOL. You guys are killing me with this thread.....

TOUR MANAGER DOUG: I was easy to spot, no other DEVO shirts within a mile.

TED: they didn't talk to chicks with feathered red mullets.

UMLAUT: METAL was my girlfriend... and it was a demanding beeotch... but it was HOT.

LAURALOHA: the mullet was blonde back then......my natural color, of course......and I did have the parachute pants thing going on.....so yes, perhaps you are right, they did not talk to large chicks in parachute pants with mullets.......i really need to dig up some of these pictures......the visuals are so much more exciting.....

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Fast forward to the 21st Century: Umlaut's friends know that I've come full circle with Megadeth via the power of "The Resume".. No matter where you go, there you are. Too fawkin' weird, man.

Old Men Talking

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A Long, Long Time Ago.....

Life rolls on for Umlaut in the grown up 21st Century, but it seems like only 3 or 4 lifetimes ago..... (cue swirly time travel thing):


Ruthie's Inn, Berkeley - 1984 (Pic by Harold O.) - Cliff Burton of Metallica (3rd from left) with some of the Ruthie's Gang out in front of the club. Old Metal Erik is 2nd from left in the denim vest. For the Bay Area Old School: You'll probably also recognize Rob McKillop of Exodus, Craig Behrhorst, Rick Strahl, Andy Anderson (appropriately upside down), and Adam Segan.. among others.


The Stone, S.F. - 1983 (Pic by Big Wayne) - In the bathroom in between bands at a Raven / Metallica show. Mike Sammon is on the far left. The Mercyful Fate shirt Mike's wearing is the same one that was in Umlaut's room and which was secretly disposed of by my mom. John and Robert are on the right. One of these guys is now a school teacher.


The Record Vault, S.F. - 1983. Umlaut is on the far left and K.J. and the legendary Ron Quintana on the far right. Click HERE to find out how Umlaut got his studded belt.. Uh oh, there's that Mercyful Fate artwork again! The guy behind Umlaut became a Born Again Christian.

Such innocent and fun times! Meanwhile, back in the grown up 21st Century... "Drizzle, drazzle, druzzle, drone. Time for this one to come home."

Mike Sammon R.I.P. (1966- 2006)

Word came across the grapevine today that Mike Sammon had passed away. Mike was a member of Umlaut's South Bay Old Metal gang in the early-80's. Click HERE for the notice in the San Jose Mercury News.

I honestly had not seen or talked to Mike since around 1985.. However, I always remembered him as being part of my circle of Metal Bruthas back in those Salad Days. Life was so simple and innocent: METAL and, uh, MORE METAL. Mike was a quiet rager when I knew him and we saw dozens of shows together in shithole clubs and arenas. I seem to remember he had a paper route delivering the S.F. Chronicle so we'd get an advance look at upcoming gigs in each Sunday's Datebook since he'd get them a couple of days early.

A vivid memory I have is driving up to Ruthie's Inn, Berkeley in Umlaut's old VW Fastback (aka The Metal Mobile) for a Metal show (probably Exodus). We blasted tunes on Mike's new boombox. I parked in the lot behind the club and, for whatever stupid reason, didn't put the boombox in the trunk (?!). This despite the fact that Ruthie's was in a sketchy area.. but we were young and stupid Metalheads. Instead we "hid" it under the floor mat along with Umlaut's leather jacket. After the show we discovered that my car had been broken into and the boombox and jacket were gone. Lesson learned.

In subsequent years I heard about his struggles via the grapevine, but I never saw Mike again after I moved on from the S.F. Metal Scene. It all seems like it was a million years ago now... Good times. That's all I can say, really.

Rest In Peace, brutha. METAL.

Mike in The Pit at Ruthie's Inn, Berkeley - circa 1984 (Pic by Umlaut)

Submitted by John Scharpen:

The last contact I had with him was probably about six years ago. I think his parents put him into some sort of program at some point, due to his drug habit. I know they took away all or most of his records and tapes, because when he tracked me down he handed me a bunch of blank TDK D-90s so I could start taping him all of my NWOBHM (New Wave Of British Heavy Metal). He didn't want anything more current than about 1983 or so. I'm not sure exactly what he'd been through in the intervening years since we all went to shows together, but he was living in a dreary little halfway house in Sunnyvale with a roommate (an ex-cop, I think). I went there once and it was pretty depressing. He talked in a loud monotone, as if the subtleties of speech had somehow been lost to him. Not sure why.

I actually tried to avoid him, not returning his calls when he left messages, because all he ever wanted was to hand me piles of blank tapes. It was kind of awkward being around him, since he never went into any detail about what I perceived to be his mental illness. Maybe I should have tried harder. As it is, when I moved I didn't tell him. He called my mom's house sometime in the last year, but she didn't give him my new number, and I didn't call him.

We did have fun in high school though, sometimes going to more than one show in a day. I remember seeing Accept in San Jose and then skipping headliners Saxon and going up to see Megadeth in San Francisco. I remember countless shows at Ruthie's Inn and The Stone and other random venues around the Bay Area. And then we all went and grew up. Some of us successfully. Some of us not. I can't say that I'll miss him, but I'm really sorry to hear that he died.

Oh, and for some reason I remember that when the rugby team he was playing for came back from New Zealand he nearly waxed poetic about the beauty of the countryside he saw there. Nearly. Metalheads are afraid of poetry.

I also remember that he had a pretty good tape collection. He was one of the first to start ordering demo tapes from bands across the U.S. and Europe. I think we shared an order the first time we got stuff from The Record Exchange in Walnut Creek - Accept's Restless and Wild. A classic.

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Added 1/23/06 by Rich Hellhound:

Mike Sammon first showed up, I believe, at a HELLHOUND rehearsal in 1983, along with Scharpen, Vanderkuil and Elliot Riviera, all of whom I also met for the first time that night. The event was captured for all time by Umlaut and his trusted camera, the most notable pic being of what would become known as "The Broom Brothers" (essentially, everyone air guitaring with assorted brooms and mops during one of our songs). This group eventually earned a more respectable moniker, The South Bay Maniacs, though this title was only officially used at HELLHOUND shows. Mike was indeed quiet, and so my early memories are of him with The Maniacs, just sort of one of the bunch. I do remember him getting into pot later on (probably around '85), and getting my brother stoned at shows.

My most vivid memory involving Sammon concerns a night in '83 or '84 when he, Scharpen, Vanderkuil and I were all piled in my Dad's 1977 Toyota Corolla, making our rounds of record stores and such (when not playing Metal, much of my spare time involved the search for, and procurement of, said Metal, in it's various recorded forms).

We had just left Tower Records in Mountain View (years before Scharpen would work there), and I decided to head up into the hills for a little adventure. I had seen Twilight Zone - The Movie shortly before this, and decided to re-enact the scene in which Dan Ackroyd is driving a hitchhiker down a dark, deserted highway, wherein he asks the now-famous question, "Want to see something really scary?" He then proceeds to turn the headlights off for short periods of time, effectively scaring the hell out of his passenger.

In retrospect, a winding mountain road was probably not the best location for my version of this scenario, but, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. Long story short, I drove over a soft shoulder during one of the moments while my headlights were off, and skidded into the side of the mountain. The car came to rest between the mountain and one of those steel support cables for a telephone pole, and there was a long silence as everyone recovered from the jolt.

The first thing I remembered hearing was Mike saying, "Rich, you asshole," very quietly in typical Sammon fashion. I then proceeded to concoct a believable story concerning a car that came at us head-on around the blind corner (it really was a blind corner, luckily), and I made everyone memorize it.

When the cops showed up, they interviewed us separately, and everyone got the story right. One of the cops even said, "Yeah, this sort of thing happens all the time up here." It was perfect. I of course told my parents the same bullshit, and the insurance company paid the claim, though they dropped my Dad afterwards. Literally ten years later I told my parents the truth about what happened, and they were still pissed.

Culprit

Submitted by Old Metal Erik:

This be damn funny, Mr. Umlaut Man!!! I, too was at that show. Do you remember the bass player Scott puking on the amps mid-song? Classic!

From the Culprit band web site:

THE FOLLOWING IS THE REVIEW OF THE US METAL II RELEASE PARTY IN SAN FRANCISCO'S METAL MANIA MAGAZINE

CINEMA / CULPRIT / WILD DOGS
August 20, 1982
The Stone, San Francisco

Click HERE for the review.

===
THANKS ERIK.

"One of the hottest U.S. Metal bands unleashed their unbridled fury onto the unsuspecting Stone, CULPRIT from Seattle absolutely exploded onto the stage as they roared into Guilty As Charged. Talk about complete Metallic Mayhem!"

Egads, did I really write that?? You never know when Umlaut's Smith Corona Galaxis Deluxe past will rise zombie-like again.

Umlaut hasn't thought about the band Culprit in, like, forever... I do not remember their bassist puking on his amps. As a result of that review, Culprit's Guilty As Charged was the first album I was ever thanked on.

Another result of the review was that Rock / Metal record industry "legend" Mike Varney of Shrapnel Records was pissed at me for dissing his band Cinema in the review... BUT he later admitted that I was right. HA! How Almost Famous is that?

Culprit were a Seattle band and they visited S.F. several times in 1982-83. They were nice guys and once supported a local S.F. band called Metallica (who?).


Culprit supporting Metallica for 5 bucks (From the Umlaut Archives)

I think the last time I saw them was at Ruthie's Inn in Berkeley. I was embarrassed to be watching them since only chicks were down front during their set. Northwest Metal Dudes must have seemed exotic to the Bay Area Metal Chicks at that point.

After that show I lost track of Culprit since bands like Metallica, Exodus, Slayer, Mercyful Fate, and Venom were all the rage in the underground S.F. Metal Scene. Culprit simply weren't heavy enough.

According to their web site, the band is playing gigs with the original members and they were inducted into Seattle's EMP (Experience Music Project) Museum. Hmm. Anyway, like I said, I haven't thought about Culprit in YEARS so this was a very funny diversion as 2005 winds down.

Culprit's Guilty As Charged album was the first album Umlaut was ever thanked on.. Here are some others:

• Kill 'Em All - Metallica
• Ride The Lightning - Metallica
• Haunting The Chapel EP - Slayer
• Bonded By Blood - Exodus
  
• Court In The Act - Satan
• Enemy Of The Sun - Neurosis
  

There are a couple of others but I can't remember them right now. Trivia: Two of these albums have sold well over 10 million copies worldwide. Can you guess which ones? Hint: It's not Culprit or Satan.


A Fistful of Metal: Culprit @ The Old Waldorf, S.F. - Feb. 7, 1983 (Pic by Umlaut)

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ADDENDUM ADDED 12/12

A comment from Rich Hellhound:

"Misty water-colored memories. I fully expect an update on the band BITCH in the near future."

To quote Khan from Star Trek II: "He tasks me!"


Bitch - The Old Waldorf, S.F. - June 28, 1982 (Pic by Umlaut)

If I remember correctly, Bitch's debut album was Metal Blade Records' first full-length release by a band. Metal Blade's Brian Slagel raved about Bitch to me so I caught their debut S.F. show at The Old Waldorf in June 1982 (supporting Axe).

As you can see from the pic, the reason for Bitch's popularity with certain Metal dudes was obvious. However, Umlaut saw the band for what they were. They sucked.

Three months later Bitch returned to S.F. to headline a Metal Blade Records Showcase at The Stone. September 18, 1982: A day that will live in infamy. Second on the bill was another band from L.A. called Metallica. It was their first show outside of SoCal (where they were still based) and their introduction to San Francisco's Metalheads. The rest, as they say, is history.

Click HERE for a PDF of the review Umlaut wrote for Northwest Metal #2 (Fall 1982). It's an example of the Almost Famous-like writing of Umlaut before he could buy alcohol legally.

After the show, Umlaut and his friends hung out with Metallica and went back to their hotel on Broadway to party. As our gang loudly left the club, I remember seeing the members of Bitch walking quietly in the same direction on the other side of the street. They were alone with no fans bonding with them. They sucked.


Bud Tall, Hetfield, Mustaine, Ulrich after the 9/18/82 show (Pic by Umlaut)

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ADDENDUM ADDED 12/13

Submitted by Rich Hellhound:

Too funny. A memory from that show -- you and I were standing in front of the stage before BITCH came on. I was watching the roadies set everything up, and this guy starts hanging ropes and chains from the drum kit. I knew absolutely nothing about BITCH at this point, so I turned to you and asked why they were doing that. You gave me a funny look and said, "I don't know". Soon after came that terrible moment all concert-goers dread -- the band walks onto stage and somehow manages to suck before they even start playing. Then they do start playing, and it gets worse. Betsy Bitch's faux S&M antics were silly at best, and completely failed to excite this (well, then) hormonal 18 year old male. So lame.

Trivia: Metallica obliquely paid tribute to The Old Waldorf in the song Battery (the club was located on Battery St.).

Megadeth: Smith Corona Days Revisited

LESTER BANGS: "What do you type on?"
WILLIAM: "Smith Corona Galaxis Deluxe."
- From Almost Famous

In 1983, Umlaut was one of the writers / editors / publishers of a Metal zine called Whiplash, whose operations were based out of my bedroom at my parents' house. Whiplash published the very first article on Dave Mustaine's post Metallica band Megadeth (then called "Megadeath") anywhere. At the same time, I "coordinated" the Megadeth Fan Club out of my bedroom at my parents' house. My parents had no appreciation for the Heavy Metal Empire that I supervised from under their roof. I can still hear my mom ask "Why do you get so much mail?"

Click HERE for a PDF of the Megadeth article from Whiplash #1 (Fall 1983). It's an example of the Almost Famous-like writing of Umlaut before he could buy alcohol legally.

Trivia: Almost Famous is Umlaut's favorite movie because he identifies with the main character so much.

K.J. and Umlaut have been friends since before the dawn of Christianity and he's opened up his archives for this space. Old Metal Geeks and those who have seen Some Kind Of Monster might find his latest Metal artifact interesting. The rest of you can click that mouse and surf on outta here. Bye bye.

Note: I had never seen this letter before and was amused by the props Mustaine gave me for the Whiplash article.

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The exciting sequel to Cliff Notes!

Submitted by K.J. -

It’s amazing what a person can come across while cleaning out the garage. This letter arrived in my mailbox during the spring of 1983. The West Coast Heavy Metal community- myself included – was still reeling from news that celebrated six-string rager Dave Mustaine had been booted from Metallica. After Kirk Hammett abruptly quit Exodus and flew to New York as Dave’s replacement, Mustaine plotted a comeback.

He apparently brandished a manual Smith Corona typewriter to painstakingly hunt-and-peck through the following pages, in an effort to explain to me the embryonic formation of Megadeth. Scribed before the dawn of Microsoft Word, Mustaine spared no expense on white-out, which was smeared liberally across each page to correct the plentiful punctuation challenges riddling his note. Observe Dave’s liberal use of commas, as well.

Hardcores from The Day should note his reference to Umlaut’s founder, who also befriended the outspoken guitar god during this pivotal career transition.

*****

Dear K.J.,

Well, this is the first, and, only chance you have to hear the real story behind the kicking out part of the Metallica story. I don’t know exactly the time those guys decided to get rid of me, but, they couldn’t of picked a better time. It’s real funny how they could lie to me, all that time from Indiana to New York, and, that was a long time! I guess that the fact that I kicked some guys ass in some alley in S.F., had some kind of unforgettable point of interest, because after that happened, they never gave me any kind of trouble, and, the respect that I had, as far as being able to take care of myself, was not questioned. The new band is a lot heavier than Metallica, because, as you know, I wrote the four of the best songs that we had, The Mechanics, Jump in the Fire, Metal Militia, and, the Phantom Lord, and, those were the songs that got the most recognition out of all the songs that we played. But, then I guess you know all that. Well, as far as the new band goes, it’s real heavy, as heavy as you’ll find that’s for sure. I really hope that you like what you hear, as it’s going to be the new, “Megadeth”/’Naipon’ demo tape will be out in the near future, and you can count on being one of the first one’s to hear it. I sincerely think that the stuff hat I’ve put together, is going to go over real good, because it’s so fucking heavy! I was really let down, by myself, because I thought that there was going to be some mail that said that, some people were inquiring, as to the disappearing act that I pulled in the East Coast. I wish that those guys could have had the balls to tell me that I was fucking up, and, not wait till the last minute…

As far as the story that Brian wrote… there couldn’t have been a better beginning to a band’s intro tape than what he wrote, and, the only fucked thing about it, is that were not using that name any more. The new band name is Megadeth, and, the people that are in the band, are myself, on lead guitar, David Ellefson on bass, Gregg Handevidt on rhythm guitar, Lor Kain on vocal and, Richard Girod, on drumming detail. The songs are, “No Time;” “Eye for Eye”, “Speak No Evil,” “When Hell Freezes Over,” “The Gambler,” “Head Lock,” “You Know Where to Go,” and, “Chose Your Master.” The band consists of a four piece rhythm section that deals out nothing but, the heavy, heavy stuff. Me, and, all the boys, all fill the parts where theres supposed to be singing, with total guitars, and, bass, and, the vocals, well, if we keep the guy that we have right not then we will really have to keep our eyes on this guy, per, he consumes quite a large amount of drugs. Though the fact that he sounds like Satan himself, and, that he can really scream, but, how much screaming can someone take?

So that’s the fact why we’re still looking for vocals. But, the main section of the band, is here, and, not only did I learn how to use eight fingers, on the neck, but I also, learned how to us my thumbs!

And, the possibility of using anything else that I have. Well, the music is just as, if not heavier than the stuff that I was doing in Metallica, since the fact that the heavy shit was mine. It kind of shows you where the direction of this act is headed. Well that’s it for this time, and, keep the people that want the heaviest, in mind for the mailing list of Megadeth, I was thinking of you heading the fan club section for me, because I’ve already got the merch end of it, and, the mailing taken care of, so, if you could possibly, next tine that you send out somekind of fanzine put some thing in for old Dave, since I could sure use the help these first few times, and, then when I get something out in the listenable scene then you can call me a jerk if it doesn’t strike you as real metal. Well that’s all for this time, tell anyone concerned that David Mustain has not been silenced, and, the vengence can be smelt.

Dave Mustaine
Megadeth

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EPILOGUE:


Megadeth - Ruthies Inn, Berkeley, CA - 1984 (Pic by Umlaut)... Soundcheck before the band's 2nd show ever.. Note KERRY KING of SLAYER on guitar (a temporary member of the band in the very beginning).


Megadeth - 1992 Capitol Records Promo Pic.. Over 15 million albums sold worldwide.

If for some reason you want to know more, check out the VH1 Behind The Music: Megadeth episode (available on DVD). It also features some of Umlaut's old photos from back in The Day.

===
Although both Umlaut and Drunk Ted were Old Metal in the early-80's (me in NorCal, he in SoCal), we would not become friends until The Grunge Age when he wrote for the legendary Flipside. Although Whiplash had a major distributor (Dutch East India in NYC) I have heard very few stories from people who actually bought it outside of the S.F. Bay Area.

Submitted by Drunk Ted:

Great Whiplash retrospective! Man, that brought back memories! I remember the day I picked up that magazine. I picked it up for the Raven & Venom (among others) interviews and got turned on to Metallica & Megadeth. (I think that's how I got turned onto Metallica... maybe not. It's definitely the first Metallica interview I've ever read. Unless Metal Forces beat you to one. Don't think so though.) I still remember ordering the live Trouble cassette through the ad you had in there. Took it to school and some girl ripped on me for listening to "Devil worshiping music". HA HA!

The ad that branded Ted a Satanist...