48 Hours Of Mayhem

Mayhem Tour
Sleep Train Amphitheatre, Marysville, CA
July 10, 2009

A Metal Road Trip with Umlaut's music journalist friends Photo Ray and Hard Rock Chick (HRC)!! SPECIAL! Sometimes arriving early at a big festival seems like a good idea until you actually do it... especially when you have to travel over 100 miles to bumfuck Marysville and its scorched Earth Summer heat. I think the weather forecast for the day was "blow torch with a chance of lava.." I was too fried from spending all day under the hot Marysville White Trash Summer Sun to do a "proper" review of this day, so I'm simply going to do a Harper's Index style list:

• Times I heard a band say "pit" or "circle pit" to the audience = 7
• Swastika tattoos = 3
• Unicorn tattoos = 1

The Black Dahlia Murder: They used the Ewok 'Yub Nub Song' from Return Of The Jedi as their intro tape. NOT Metal...

Behemoth: I was half expecting the Poles to melt under the intense heat of the afternoon, but their Black Metal makeup didn't run and they blasted through a great set. However, I have to admit it was almost more entertaining seeing them backstage afterwards sans makeup... and I know HRC will agree with me.

Bullet For My Valentine: My 4th time seeing the Welsh Rock Stars and I still like them despite the fact they tend to remind me of my past professional history. No, Bullet are not Emo despite their name... and '4 Words (To Choke Upon)' is still a good song. Does that make me a Poser? Oh well...

Cannibal Corpse: This was the best set of the day for pure uncut Metal brutality; the pit action was intense and magnified by the heat like ants under a magnifying glass. At one point it was obvious someone was down in The Pit, but it took forever for the medical staff to arrive with a stretcher and fight their way to the injured. It was the only time during the day that the intensity of the crowd matched the intensity of the music.. cue 'Fucked With A Knife'.

Killswitch Engage: I watched their set on the t.v. monitors in the VIP bar... unlike the last time I saw them, at least the guitarist didn't brag about being a pedophile in between songs.. but I can't imagine they were much better in person versus the t.v. monitors. Plus, they somehow think it's cool to wear those novelty t-shirts with a tuxedo printed on the front onstage.. NOT Metal.

Slayer: The masters opened with 'God Hates Us All' > 'War Ensemble'... AND they're playing 'Ghosts Of War' on this tour! Despite the GA floor, this was probably the tamest Slayer crowd I've ever seen; about 1/2 of the people around me were sitting down! WTF... but the band's solid 60 minute set was awesome as usual.. There were no Marshall cabinets arranged into upside down crosses onstage this time, but they made up for it with FIRE:

Slayer!! Fire!
(Vid by Umlaut)

I've been following Slayer since Day One... and I still love them long time. Awww...

(Sidebar: Umlaut needs to upgrade his point & shoot camera to one with (1) a better microphone that can handle high volume levels and (2) one that is good with low light situations sans flash. If anyone has brand / model suggestions please e-mail me!)

Marilyn Manson: I completely missed his set because Paschke invited me to visit the Angel Of Death's tour bus with him, where that band's new album was played for us. Yes, it's FUCKING GREAT!!!

For the second time within a week this concert was also punctuated by a weird encounter with an "ex" from my professional life... which was a bit awkward.. but it was a good thing I had business cards with me. Fook 'em.

Holy shite, the drive back from bumfuck Marysville is brutal... Cheers to Photo Ray for driving; I owe you one! I didn't even bother doing a merch audit. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. As I pulled off the freeway towards Casa de Umlaut my normal route was blocked by some heavy police activity around the local gas station... Friday Night Crimes!

Mayhem Tour
Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mountain View, CA
July 11, 2009



Since I wanted to coordinate my arrival with some colleagues, I was able to hang out and chill at Casa de Umlaut for most of the afternoon. Although the previous day had been good, this was a different Mayhem experience than bumfuck Marysville.. It was a more relaxed day for me, mainly because some underlying professional drama that had distracted me in bumfuck Marysville was basically resolved in Mountain View. Longtime readers know that I live to see concerts, but I can't remember the last time I was in such a good mood at a show. Anyway, here's the long and the short of the day from my perspective:

Behemoth: I arrived too late to see their set, but as I entered the backstage common area the Poles were eating sans makeup. I was taken aback that these beings, who appear to be inhuman Metal Gods onstage, eat common food like mere mortals and even use common human eating utensils. Shocking...

Job For A Cowboy: They're not necessarily bad, but I've never been able to get past their name...

Trivium: I've never liked this band, even when they were helping to pay my mortgage... and I thought it was funny that the bassist is all short-haired and GQ now when he used to try so hard to be Metal.

Bullet For My Valentine: While attempting to get to the side of the stage to watch Bullet's set we had to deal with a clueless venue security person who didn't understand the meaning of "All Access". However, Bullet's set paled in comparison to their bassist's chick stalking moves later that night...

Cannibal Corpse: My Harper's Index of things thrown during CC's insane 40 minute set:

• Beers, Bottles, and/or Drinks: 16
  
• Cell Phones: 1
• Garbage Cans: 3
  
• Hats: 10
  
• Jackets: 2
  
• Lit Packs of Firecrackers: 2
• Shirts: 3
  
• Shoes: 10

(Pic by Umlaut)

Dude, the crowd was out of control!! It was the only time during the day that the intensity of the crowd matched the intensity of the music.. cue 'Fucked With A Knife'.

Killswitch Engage: I watched their set on the t.v. monitors in the Angel Of Death's dressing room... but I can't imagine they were much better in person versus the t.v. monitors. Plus, they somehow think it's cool to wear those novelty t-shirts with a tuxedo printed on the front onstage.. NOT Metal.

Note: At this point I must give a HUGE THANKS to HRC for upgrading me to the 3rd row!

Slayer: They say a picture is worth 1,000 words... well here is one thousand words about Slayer from this night..

Kerry King amid fire and smoke onstage from the 3rd row
(Pic by Umlaut)

I can't remember the last time I watched Slayer from this close with the volume from the PA moving my clothes.. According to the Umlaut Archives this was at least my 17th time seeing Slayer dating back to 1984... and I'm pretty sure I said "Amazing!" out loud after almost every song.. with the set closing sprint of 'Angel Of Death' > 'South Of Heaven' > 'Raining Blood' being one of the highlights of my year. In addition to my senses being assaulted from the stage, my head was spinning (in a good way) about the professional drama that had basically been resolved during the day. I actually got kind of emotional as I thought about that drama and the juxtaposition of it with fucking Slayer being onstage right in front of me again. Yes, I'm the type of sensitive guy who can get emotional about Slayer. Does that make me a pussy? If so, then let me be guilty..

Marilyn Manson: I hadn't seen Manson live in 12 years and was not planning to watch his entire set, but since I found myself in the 3rd row I got caught up in the moment. I suppose Manson is trying to create theater onstage, and since I was in such a good mood I went with it. Some of the shtick was silly of course, like having a roadie give him a bottle of water, take only ONE sip every time, and then either throw it down or give / toss it to someone in the front row; I regret not counting how many times he did that. Kudos to any of the Manson Kidz in the front row who got one of the water bottles;they now have some Manson DNA for their collection and / or Ebay.

Manson amid confetti and smoke from the 3rd row
(Pic by Umlaut)

There were also a couple of "wardrobe people" onstage who would alternately bring Manson different stage clothes or props and / or an oxygen tank so he could take a hit. Silly.. but in the end I was surprised that I actually enjoyed his set, although I only knew 2 songs.

For the third time within a week this concert was also punctuated by a weird encounter with an "ex" from my professional life... which was a bit awkward.. but it was a good thing I had business cards with me. Fook 'em.

Then it was time to go home and sleep! I didn't do a merch audit again. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. As I started the drive back to Casa de Umlaut, my iPod on shuffle played 'South Of Heaven'. So... fucking... perfect.. Dude, the lyrics perfectly reflect events that are going on in Umlaut's World right now. To quote the mighty Slayer:

"An unforeseen future nestled somewhere in time..
Unsuspecting victims, no warnings, no signs..
Judgement Day, the second coming arrives..."

Amen.

Death To False Metal

Trivium / The Sword
Slim's, San Francisco
October 27, 2006

This was a completely weird night. Bad vibes were in the air as soon as we left my house. Things didn't feel right... The night just felt wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was unusually warm too, even at 9:30PM.

Timo and I have been to over a hundred shows together. Our gig experiences are legendary for being surgically precise since we've been to all the local venues dozens and dozens of times and we have a Music Geek routine for each place. However, on this night, the Rock Godz had a lesson for us.. Perhaps we had become like Icarus and thought ourselves equal to the Rock Godz and we foolishly flew too close to The Sun (cue that Iron Maiden song).

As we neared the entrance to Slim's a band was playing; there were supposed to be 2 support acts before The Sword and judging from the time (just before 10:00PM) the second act should have been finishing up... However, as we got to Will Call I knew immediately that it was The Sword playing. FUCK. Then I saw the sign on the Will Call window announcing one of the two opening bands (Protest The Hero.. whoever they are..) would not be playing that night. FUCK. The Sword had gone on early. FUCK.

Timo and I quickly got inside and The Sword were pummeling the crowd with 'Iron Swan'; they sounded really good. Then the song ended, they said their thanks, and JD announced "Trivium are up next".. FUCK. That's right, Timo and I missed their entire set.. I can't remember the last time that's happened. FUCK. The Sword also played a cover of the Pentagram song 'Forever My Queen' in their set, and I missed it. FUCK.

I wasn't so much pissed as I was in utter disbelief that we'd missed The Sword. To console myself I bought the cool silk screened poster The Sword were selling for a mere 5 bucks. I loved how their merch was so indie: shirts were a mere $10-$15.

The Sword are still one of my favorite bands, but I'm obviously losing my edge... The band has been through town 3x this year and I only managed to see them 1x + 1 song. Hope I die before I get old.

After The Sword the club became noticeably less crowded as people left before the headliners. Timo and I should have taken that cue and exited as well, but we didn't.. and we paid a spiritual price.

Trivium's cheesy 'n dramatic intro tape (complete with smoke machine and arena rock lighting) was almost as long as the amount of time we saw The Sword. As the intro production played out I actually shouted "Excalibur!" (The movie, not the sword... pun intended).

Sidebar: The next day T-XIII sent me an e-mail about the show and he commented how Trivium made him think of Excalibur too, but the Vegas casino (not the movie or the sword). Hi-larious! Old Metal minds think alike.

Trivium have been touted as "the next Metallica" and they hit the stage in passable Metal fashion... and they did sound better then my first encounter with them over the Summer... but they soon lost me (again).

Metal is supposed to sound hard and tough; Trivium are not hard and tough. As I watched Trivium's "metal-by-the numbers-show me-the horns" act again, I was completely dumbfounded by how safe and clean their sound is... and I'm not exaggerating (ask Timo) that their guitar tech had a harder guitar sound during his pre-set tuneup then his band had when they hit the stage. WTF?

To be perfectly blunt, Trivium offends my Old Metal Soul... They're nicely sanitized and appeal to the "I-want-to-be-Metal-but Slayer-and Slayer fans-scare-me" people.. You will not get your ass kicked at a Trivium show (either literally or figuratively)... and that's why Trivium is False Metal IMO... That being said The Kidz buying their merch loved 'em and I suppose that's all that matters, but we bailed after 4 songs.

Iron Maiden shirts = 3. If you bought one of every Sword merch item you would have paid $67. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I wish we'd seen The Sword, but the Rock Godz obviously had a bigger plan for Timo and I on this night and our journey had not yet run its course.

Back at the car we agreed we needed food. While driving down Market Street the vibe was still just wrong in the city... Probably due to the warm weather, the homeless zombies were everywhere and they shared the night with weaving drunk kids and adults in pre-Halloween costumes. My sense of unease didn't abate and rather than hitting one of our usual post-gig late night eateries in The Mission / Castro area, Timo and I inexplicably found ourselves at the Denny's in Japantown.

After parking the car we walked past the site of a murder that had happened only a couple of days earlier in Japantown Plaza. I'd heard about it on the news and seeing the site fit with the dark vibe of the night.

I'm pretty sure I hadn't been to the Japantown Denny's since the Clinton Administration, but at least I was able to order the Umlaut Special (2 egg breakfast and a beer). Note: The Umlaut Special at the Denny's in Vacaville was much better.

Back at the car we attempted to cleanse what was left of the night by putting Slayer on the stereo ('South Of Heaven') to invoke the Healing Power of Metal. A block after turning on the stereo we came to a stoplight and noticed smoke / steam rising into the midnight sky and saw that 2 cars and a taxicab where crushed together in the intersection. The accident had just happened and people were running towards the scene to help the victims. As we got closer we could see why.

CARNAGE.

One of the cars had obviously ran a red light and hit the cab broadside at a high rate of speed.. The cab had then been slammed into the other car by the impact. There were people in the back seat of the cab but no movement from them or the cab driver. The offending car's front end was completely obliterated and there was no movement from its driver either. It looked very, very bad. Blood on shattered glass. Death was in this intersection. We kept going.

Thankfully Timo and I made it home safe and sound. Something was definitely "off" on the 27th night of October in the year 2006 on the streets of San Francisco. Christians will say it's because Halloween was only days away and San Francisco is full of sinners, which is bullshit of course 'cause Satan, like, totally rules.

To me it was just "one of those" nights where shit happened and you can't explain why... sorta like Trivium. What was that? How would I sum up the night in 8 words? Hmm, okay, here ya go:

• Wear your seat belt.
  
• Death to False Metal.

SLAYER.

===
Now, Umlaut doesn't have a personal vendetta against Trivium, but you gotta admit the following is hilarious (THANKS TOM).

From Midwest Metal Tom:

I was with Machine Head on the Sounds of the Underground Tour. They had to share a dressing room with Trivium and they were fucking lame. They're not Rock. PERIOD.

The bass player has that Motörhead backpatch going now (on his onstage denim vest), right? Well on the Sounds of the Underground Tour, he was sporting a Destruction backpatch.

Phil Demmel (ex Vio-Lence, current Machine Head) called him out on it... Phil told him to name one Destruction song. Of course the kid couldn't...a day later the Motörhead patch had replaced Destruction.

Umlaut says: Posers will pay the price!

Swords & Tequila

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y: While running errands, I stopped at the usually lame Tower Records in San Mateo and was ambushed by their clearance bin. I scored a copy of Riot's 1981 classic Fire Down Under on CD for a mere $5 as well as a copy of ZZ Top's reissued Fandango CD for a criminally cheap $7. "Let that boy boogie woogie!"



Later, on this very special episode of Umlaut, Timo and I headed down to lovely Mountain View to spend the afternoon with The Kidz and see what they're into these days.

Sounds Of The Underground
Shoreline Amphitheater Parking Lot - Mt. View, CA
July 29, 2006

For the record these were the bands on the bill: As I Lay Dying, In Flames, Machine Head, Trivium, Cannibal Corpse, Gwar, The Black Dahlia Murder, and a couple of other acts whose names also sound like cheesy Horror movies or Sci-Fi characters. I've owned and then sold CDs by several bands on the bill at various times over the years.

Since I'm not overtly Metal anymore, I appreciated it when "fag" bands like The Cure and The Darkness were played over the PA in between sets. Surprisingly, there was no crowd revolt over such pussy music being played at such a "hardcore" event. So either The Kidz had a sense of irony or they were too lazy to react. With that in mind, the energy level of this show was about the same intensity as a 2-for-1 T-Shirt sale at HotTopic. Perhaps it was because Slayer's Unholy Alliance Tour had just stormed through town the week before and OzzFest a couple of weeks before that; maybe a Metal threshold had been reached. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Man, The Kidz these days don't know.... 66.6 miles barefoot uphill in the snow for Metal... etc. etc. When I started typing this (under the influence of morning coffee) I was going to rant, rant, rant. However, everyone hates an old man ranting about the younger generation... so I won't.

However, I will say that I found it WEIRD that Trivium's bass player dresses like we did in 1984: White high tops, pegged jeans, bullet belt, and denim jacket with all the "right" band patches sewn on it; he's dangerously close to wearing a costume onstage IMO. If anything, Trivium have obviously watched the Cliff 'Em All video on their tour bus and took notes.

The best part of the afternoon was seeing all of the kidz who had obviously been down front during Gwar since their skin, hair, and clothes were discolored from the liquids Gwar sprayed into the crowd. Having your skin stained by your favorite band is better than any merch item.

Cute Quote of The Day: A girl (her face smeared with "fake" blood) to her friend: "Have you ever seen so much blood?? This is what I look like after having violent sex with a donkey." CUTE!!

THANKS to Holy Diver for arranging the +1 into his 21st Century Metal World. Umlaut prefers his Old Man 20th Century Metal, but keep it real out there, for The Kidz!

Iron Maiden shirts seen = 8. I have no idea how much you would have paid if you bought one of every merch item. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. When I told people at work on Friday that I was going to this show I was met with blank stares and silence (cue crickets chirping). For those of you who know where I work, the irony is obvious.

Moving forward: Because Summer is traditionally a popular time for launching invasions against thine enemies, here are Umlaut's Top 6 20th Century Metal songs for charging into battle this season:

• Glory Hunter - Armored Saint
• Kill The King - Rainbow
  
• Power And The Glory - Saxon
  
• Swords & Tequila - Riot
  
• The Trooper - Iron Maiden
• War Ensemble - Slayer
  

Can you feel The Power? Can you feel The Glory?? Smite thine enemies and have a GREAT Summer! K.I.T., 'kay?!

S-U-N-D-A-Y: Just to show that Umlaut doesn't live and breath METAL 24-7 (what?!)..

The Dresden Dolls
Amoeba Records, San Francisco
July 30, 2006

On the spur of the moment, Big Wayne and I made our way to Amoeba for The Dresden Doll's in-store appearance. After all these years, it's funny that Big Wayne and I still get into the same bands without being aware of our mutual fandom until later; it all began with Metallica back in 1982. The Dutch and Chinese have a long standing alliance.

It's been a little over a year since I last saw The Dresden Dolls and, judging from Amoeba's crowded aisles, they've obviously built a large fanbase since then. What? Oh, whatever.. Okay, if you need *some* kind of Metal content to hold your attention, chew on this: Since I last saw them, The Dresden Dolls signed to Roadrunner Records. Roadrunner released Mercyful Fate's first two albums back in 1983 and '84. So there you go.

I like The Dresden Dolls' kitschy Goth Cabaret thing... and with all sincerity, the most Metal thing I saw all weekend was them performing their version of Sabbath's 'War Pigs'; I love it because it's so NOT Metal. For the newbies, if you've never heard it:



OH LORD, YEAH. Big Wayne noted that Brian played a Minor Threat song as he warmed up on his guitar (For the newbies: He switches off between drums and guitar onstage). I appreciated that Amanda was wearing a Who shirt.

Afterwards, we cruised over to La Corneta (For the newbies: Mission @ 23rd) for some slaytanic burritos. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. During the drive across beautiful San Francisco, Mercyful Fate's 'Melissa' came on over Wayne's Sirius radio. No matter where you go, Metal is there.

Amen.