Department Of Youth

Peace In Rest Dick Wagner...

In Umlaut's salad days of the late-70's when I was in 7th Grade I would stop at my friend John Lutkenhouse's house after school.  Besides being World War II nerds we'd also listen to his older brother's albums; his brother was off serving in the military so we had free reign over his stereo and albums.  The 2 albums we listened to the most by far were KISS Alive! and Alice Cooper - Welcome to My Nightmare.  It's safe to say that without those 2 albums I would not be who I am today; I would be a completely different person.

"Department of Youth" (Cooper, Wagner, Ezrin)  

Of course, Mr. Wagner also played guitar on KISS - Destroyer which was another touchstone album of my youth... and also on the Lou Reed album Rock 'N Roll Animal which was an important album to me in my later years.

Peace In Rest, Dick Wagner.. Peace In Rest.

"We talk about this whole stupid world and still come out laughing.."

Don't Go Away Mad

Mötley Crüe / Alice Cooper
Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mountain View, California
July 23, 2014

Tonight was the first time I would be in the same geographic location as Motley Crue since this show 32 (!) years ago:

I hated Motley Crue in 1982; hairspray posers. I'm sure Nikki Sixx would be amused if I told him I was one of the Bay Area Metal gang in the front row in Concord on Halloween '82 who flipped him off during their entire set. I'm sure he remembers that, right?! Sixx finally flipped us off which only made us dislike Crue more. We got so enthusiastic in our dislike of Crue that at one point a security guard or roadie came over and told us if we didn't stop he'd have us thrown out. True story.

One thing led to another on this warm Summer day and I found myself at this show under the guise of being a "professional" type guy sort of...  After some pre-show Will Call drama was sorted out I had the required pass to wander around the venue like a free range chicken.

Best random conversation overheard backstage: 

Pregnant Woman: "He (her husband) took me to see King Buzzo... It was AWFUL!!" 
Husband: "It was awesome!" 
Pregnant Woman: "It was AWFUL..."

Also, this happened:

SLAAAYEER!

I will cut right to the chase:  Alice Cooper completely blew Motley off the stage despite his abbreviated time onstage.  Before Alice came out I was shocked by how empty the reserved seats were in the amphitheatre... WTF?!  Where were all the Sick Things!?   Thankfully, when Alice and band hit the stage the seats quickly filled and Alice had the entire crowd in the palm of his hand beautifully, from the VIPs down front all the way back to the lawn.  It seemed like many in the crowd had not seen Alice before BUT they knew all of the songs which was a rare organic music thing, man.

It was magical and unrelenting with hit after hit after hit coming off the stage:  'Hello Hooray' into ' No More Mr. Nice Guy' into ' Under My Wheels' into ' I'm Eighteen' into 'Billion Dollar Babies'.. DAMN.. and that wasn't even half way through the set.  Combine those iconic songs with Alice's standard stage props (the Frankenstein machine.. the guillotine!) and it was easy to forget who the headliner was tonight.  All of the pyro that Motley had later that night could not compare to Alice having his pet boa constrictor wrapped around him during 'Welcome To My Nightmare'.   Sometimes the old, low-tech ways of doing things are the most effective and bad ass.

 [Photo courtesy of Cable Car]

Trivia: The Nurse in Alice's show is his wife.  As Alice introduced his band I loved how he said "... and starring tonight as Alice Cooper.. ME!"  

Right before Motley came on there was a very excited commotion in the crowd in the rows ahead of us... and low and behold it was douchbag celebrity chef Guy Fieri making his way to his seat.  He obviously shares the same fanbase as Motley Crue because the men and MILFs were losing their shit at the sight of him.  Now I'm kind of hungry... Anyway..

It was pretty funny that the only times I've seen Motley Crue were on their first tour and their "final" tour;  I'm almost positive I didn't miss anything in the years in between.  As their set started I quickly became fascinated by how *off* the stage production seemed.  There were odd pyro cues that didn't seem to be synced to the songs.  The background vocals by the band and the "background singers" were a bit too "perfect" (if you know what I mean..) which only made Vince Neil's voice sound more ragged. 

The staging looked half thought through with no theme to make it, you know, a stage show.  I'm not saying all of this as a Crue hater... I'm saying it as someone who took a step back and tried to see the show objectively since the vast majority of the 14,999 people around me were losing their shit over the same things I was seeing and hearing.  Motley Crue shout AT The Devil and not WITH The Devil and I guess that's been my issue with them since 1982.   Anyway, I made an early exit as the encore started to beat the crowd... and that meant the Prius was out of the parking lot and on the freeway heading back to Casa de Umlaut in less than 10 minutes.  Too fast for love.. or something like that.

Number of people who commented on my Slayer shirt with a "WTF??" tone:  2.  It's nice to know the Slayer / Motley Crue crossover still has not happened here in the 21st Century.  If you bought one of every Alice Cooper and Motley Crue merch item you would have paid around $400 and $1,100 respectively.   On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag.  I'm sure somewhere Baloff was unfriending me because I had seen Motley Crue again.

"Don't go away mad... Just go away." 

I'm Eighteen

Alice Cooper / Kill Devil Hill
The Warfield, San Francisco
November 27, 2012

I've never seen Alice Cooper twice in one year before; earlier this Summer I had seen him play an abbreviated set supporting Iron Maiden in Boston.  When I arrived at The Warfield I chatted with a friend on the road crew, completed a work-related mission, and got some good gossip.  Then as Alice himself walked past me backstage on his way to his dressing room he said to his assistant "Okay put me back in my cage now.." It should go without saying that made my day.  Birth - School - Work - Rock... If only all shows were this easy:

Watching Kill Devil Hill was weird since the vast majority of the crowd didn't seem to know or even care that the bass player from Pantera and the drummer from Dio-era Black Sabbath were onstage.  It might have had something to do with the fact that they were awful... but I could be wrong.  Anyway... Alice started off his set in his usual strong manner with the vintage 'Hello! Hooray!' as pyro cascaded down upon the stage.  It's very rare for a Warfield show to feature any kind of pyro so the evening was off and running in very Lock 'N Loll style.

 [Photo courtesy of Photo Ray]

However, after the pyro intro, the stage show on this tour did not include nearly as many stage props as past Alice shows, which was interesting.  It was the first time I've seen Alice where he was not "killed" onstage; there was no guillotine or hangman's noose.  The closest thing was when he was "transformed" into the monster during 'Feed My Frankenstein'. This performance was more focused on the songs instead of the theatrics and Alice proved (once again) that he is one of the most influential and consummate Rock Stars ever.   If you don't understand how much Rob Zombie, Marilyn Manson, King Diamond, and Ghost have copped something from Alice Cooper then you shouldn't be reading this space.  Really.

The setlist was typically tight and hit all the marks that fans want including songs that I will never get tired of hearing:  'No More Mister Nice Guy'.. 'Billion Dollar Babies'.. and now I even don't mind later hits like 'Hey Stoopid' when 20 years ago I would have tuned them out.  It's Classic Rock in the best way possible. The theme of this tour is Raise The Dead and in keeping with that Alice and the band unearthed cover songs by some of his dead heroes and friends such as The Doors ('Break On Through'), The Beatles ('Revolution'), The Who ('My Generation'), and Hendrix ('Foxy Lady').  I'm not a huge fan of bands playing so many cover songs, but it worked tonight.  The latter was perfect to showcase the band's current guitarist Orianthi who completely shreds and brings a whole lot of blond estrogen energy to the current Alice show.  

The highpoint of the night was one of my all-time favorite songs 'Ballad Of Dwight Fry'; I became obsessed with it in the early-90's when the Melvins made it a cornerstone of so many of their shows.  As the set ran its course I was reminded that the beauty of any Alice show is how he can deliver a 1-2-3-4 punch of iconic songs that few others can match.  On this night he brought the house down in San Francisco by closing with 'I'm Eighteen' then 'Under My Wheels' then 'Poison' and then encoring with 'School's Out' complete with the usual confetti and balloons (Yayy!!).  I'm always struck by how youthful Alice still comes across performing 'I'm Eighteen' as he channels his own inner teenager after singing the song for 41 (!) years.  Watching him perform the song always makes me feel young again even when I think I'm the most jaded motherfucker.  Like Alice, I'm still 18 and I like it.

Number of authentic vintage 1973 Alice tour shirts = 1.  If you bought one of every Alice merch item you would have paid around $500.  I have to say that Alice's merch looked badass and his merch company has it dialed.  On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag.  Another thing I love about seeing an Alice Cooper concert is that most of the crowd is older than me for once.  

"I've got a baby's brain and an old man's heart..."

Wherever I May Roam

My brain has been completely fried for almost 2 weeks now and it's showing no signs of clearing. At this point I'm just going to have to power through this post and get it out of the way. The final days of June that I'm going to attempt to rant about were some of the most action packed 3 days of my life; brain overload. Anyway... Here we go..

Orion Fest
Bader Field, Atlantic City, New Jersey
June 23-24, 2012

Back in early February Metallica announced their eclectic Orion Fest featuring a bill that was decidedly not Metal. At first I was about to dismiss the festival, especially since it was in Atlantic City. However, sometimes the Metal Godz work in very mysterious ways. Long story short, I soon got word from Umlaut's kindred spirit band Landmine Marathon that they had been personally selected by Mr. James Hetfield to play Orion Fest. Did you hear that sound? It's the sound of Umlaut's past and present smashing together in an amazing full circle moment. I can't completely articulate the magnitude of how special this moment was for me: One of my all-time favorite bands connecting with a band who have become my good friends over the past several years. Amazing... but that wasn't the end of it. Long story short (again), I was then contacted by the Metallica camp and asked if I would participate in a Q&A session with the band's fan club members about Murder In The Front Row at Orion. What the fuck... Metallica validating our book so publicly was not something we ever expected to happen! Wow.

Fast forward to June 22nd and I found myself on a flight from San Francisco to Philadelphia... Then I found myself in a car taking me from Philadelphia to Atlantic City. Then I found myself in Atlantic City. Atlantic City is a shithole, but I was wearing a Motörhead shirt and I was fist bumped, shouted out, and a bartender gave me the thumbs up because of it. I also found myself in a bizarre rain forest themed restaurant and then we met a guy named Jesse in a Trump Plaza bar who ended up being inappropriately annoying. Then the bar's DJ played 'Jessie's Girl'. I think Bruce Springsteen should be punched for romanticizing New Jersey.

Orion Day One:

The day started off with breakfast at the hotel and then it was a blur of sun and volume for the next 12 hours or whatever. After a minor hiccup with Will Call drama ("Not on the list..") I made it inside, met up with friends, and saw the tail end of Baroness on the main stage (Orion Stage) before wandering around the huge festival grounds to get my bearings. At this point The Sword were playing on one of the side stages (Fuel Stage) to a big crowd and they were a good soundtrack to my reconnaissance of the grounds. Then we made our way to the Frantic Stage in time to see Roky Erickson take the stage and it set the tone for the rest of the weekend. I really embraced the eclectic billing of the festival and it was cool to see a lot of people posting up to see Roky and the version of 'Creature With The Atom Brain' was one of my favorite performances of the weekend. After Roky we wandered back to the Orion Stage and into the vaunted Snake Pit at the very front (special pass needed... natch..) to watch some of Lucero. The band's Southern Fried sound was perfect for the heat and humidity of New Jersey and I liked them alot... but they also made me want a beer so that became my next mission. Then this happened:

Sandwiched between Metallica management and their legendary soundman Mick who has been with them since 1984. Mick was also joined by Cliff Burton's father. Crazy, man.

The Q&A session with Metallica Fan Club members was... pretty fucking cool. I was taken aback by how genuine the fans from South America, Japan, and Europe were; they reminded me of how I was back in The Day. The Bay Area takes Metallica for granted and you can't understand how massively popular the band is until you travel thousands of miles away from the Golden Gate Bridge. Seeing dozens of Metallica shirts on the streets and then meeting people who had traveled to... uhhh... Atlantic City from places like Argentina and Japan to see the band was crazy. I wouldn't travel to a similar shithole city in Argentina to see a band. Just saying. Anyway, I was caught off guard about how much interest there is about the original Bay Area Metal Scene and how much people from faraway lands know about it. Anyway, that was my 15 minutes of fame at Orion. Now back to the music..

Hearing Suicidal Tendencies on the Damage Inc. stage dueling with Modest Mouse on the Orion Stage as their set times overlapped was surreal. My brain didn't know what to do so I chose to return to the VIP area for a beer and some food. I know: Poser. To be honest at this point of the first day I was kind of burned out from the heat and the first day's excitement. So much so that I chose to have another beer instead of wandering out to watch Artic Monkeys... and then we made our way back to the vaunted Snake Pit to post up and wait for the headliner's set which was to feature them playing the Ride The Lightning album in its entirety for the first time. The return of the Snake Pit was pretty cool.

Photo courtesy of Metallica.com

Watching Metallica from the Snake Pit was not unlike watching the Blue Angels perform. I’d catch something out of the corner of my eye and it would be, like, Kirk running past. I have a vivid memory of driving to Tower Records in Mountain View in the Summer of 1984 to buy Ride The Lightning on import when it came out. It's a sacred album to Umlaut and it's still weird to see my name in the liner notes. I saw 4 shows on the Ride Tour so it was special to be in New Jersey to witness this performance... and it included another full circle moment as quite a few of my co-author Harald's photos from Murder In The Front Row were used in the intro film that was played before the band launched into 'The Call Of Ktulu' (YES, Metallica asked permission to use the photos).


Pretty fucking cool, right? Yes, the headliner played their iconic 2nd album in reverse order, which was a brilliant move as the pacing completely worked! Seeing Metallica perform 'Trapped Under Ice' was something I can finally cross off my bucket list... but I felt VERY dubious about being there to witness the first ever performance of 'Escape'; it's been my least favorite Metallica song since 1984. However, it seems that the younger generation of fans have no such baggage about the song and I have to admit it was cool to see James, Kirk, and Lars cracking up while they played it. Also, ironically 3/4 of me was caught in one of Metallica's official photos of The Snake Pit from the night... Good thing I was wearing a white t-shirt (on the left):

Photo courtesy of Metallica.com

I will also admit that I still get chills during the intro to 'Fade To Black' and it just might be my favorite live song that Metallica plays. The version performed in New Jersey was stunning.

As the dust settled and the crowd exited into the balmy New Jersey night, we returned to the sedate backstage area, chatted with a couple of friends, and had another comp Budweiser. I also met one of the filmmakers responsible for Lemmy: The Movie, which was pretty great (Hey Wes!)... Then realized I was starving. Fast forward to 1:30am and I found myself in an establishment called the Chelsea Pub & Inn with a cheeseburger and Heineken in front of me while drunk patrons fed the jukebox and played Motörhead, Scorpions, Metallica, and Pantera. Atlantic City is not without its charms.

Wes Orshoski (Lemmy: The Movie)

Then less than 12 hours later it was...
Orion Day Two:

The second day was less hectic and more enjoyable since there were more bands playing who I wanted to see. After another decent breakfast at the hotel the 12 hour or so blur of sun and volume started all over again. Here's a quick rundown:

• Liturgy. I texted a friend during their set and they told me Liturgy recently lost 1/2 of their lineup including the drummer.. which explained why "the band" only consisted of 2 guys and a drum machine. Liturgy are a polarizing "band" with people either liking them or hating them. I have to say I fall in the latter category; Liturgy seems to take the piss out of Death Metal by presenting it with a safe Hipster aesthetic that ignores the legitimate mythos and traditions of the Death Metal genre. Fuck that.

• A Place To Bury Strangers. I lasted about 5 minutes into Liturgy before I wandered back out into the sun and over to the Fuel Stage to watch APTBS. I was glad to see the band's great fuzzy volume again, but it didn't have the same impact in the daylight as it does in a dark club. Still, Oliver Ackermann's guitar strangulation was a perfect way to be woken up on this balmy Sunday.

Next came the two bands who meant the most to me and who's inclusion at Orion Fest had me the most jazzed. Ghost is my favorite band at this time in my life for a myriad of reasons. I was curious about seeing them in full daylight, but the band has been playing this time slot all Summer in Europe and they stepped things up by changing their stage gear to white. This color move was fucking brilliant and made them stand out magnificently onstage. The highlight of the set was Papa Emeritus taking a "Pope Walk" around the entire Snake Pit stage during 'Death Knell'.

Papa Don't Preach

The Swedes played a 60 minute set that was identical to the headline set they played on their debut U.S. Tour back in February. However, due to an ironic bit of scheduling I had to bail away from Ghost a couple of songs before they finished so I could make it back to the Damage Inc. Stage for the set that I wanted to watch the most in Atlantic City.

To be honest, this bit is a little more difficult to write. As I said earlier, Landmine Marathon are good friends and it was emotional for me to walk up on the stage as they prepared to play the biggest show in their 7 year history. I've seen them in empty clubs in front of less than 20 people... I know how hard they've worked and toured... Their last U.S. Tour was 37 shows in 38 days.. They've played alot of shitty shows in shitty towns... but here they were playing Orion Fest at the personal invitation of Metallica. Amazing. All of the awkward emotions that the band and I have felt for each other over the past several years were finally acknowledged as they erupted into a explosion of Metal Mayhem on the stage in New Jersey. My favorite kidz from the desert absolutely killed it in front of their largest crowd to date. It was one of those rare, special moments when I witnessed a band go to the next level with their confidence and, judging from the reaction, the crowd watching them understood this too.

Landmine has taken my sight

At one point in between songs, Ryan (guitar) stepped over to me as I stood at stage left and shouted "WE'RE PLAYING WITH METALLICA!!" with the biggest smile on his face. That said it all... and it caught me off guard when Grace (vox) dedicated to band's set to me. Awww! After the set my head was buzzing from the emotions and the Metal. A very special 45 minutes... and it will probably end up being my favorite set of 2012.

One element of Orion Fest that was intriguing was how each member of Metallica curated something based on something near and dear to them outside of the band. Lars hosted a tent that screened some of his favorite recent films. Trujillo showcased skateboarding with a Vans sponsored area. Hetfield hosted a custom car show featuring vehicles from his collection. Kirk's showcase featured his vintage Horror movie collection and also served as the official launch event for his upcoming book Too Much Horror Business. It was pretty cool... and these personal Metallica showcases were WAY more interesting than if they had been the members of Pearl Jam, right?

After Landmine's set we found ourselves being ushered in the back door of Kirk's Crypt so we didn't have to stand in the ridiculous line out front (Thanks Paschke!). We were placed in a makeshift VIP area and listened to an interesting Q&A with Kirk and the guys responsible for the restoration and acquisition of his Horror artifacts. I had no idea about the restoration efforts that went into some of the one of a kind movie posters and lobby cards. It was very interesting and informative, but we then took advantage and wandered around the Crypt to look at the displays while the rest of the crowd listened to the Q&A. The collection was fun and impressive, but ultimately I felt like I was missing out on things... so it was back outside into the heat and humidity of lovely Atlantic City.

The Geeks shall inherit The Earth

Unfortunately, I missed Torche while spending time in Kirk's Crypt... but did watch some of Volbeat on the Fuel Stage (a solid live band who attracted a massive side stage crowd) and also some of the great Charred Walls of the Damned back on the Frantic Stage. I meant to watch some of Country superstar Eric Church for the hell of it... but one thing led to another and I ended up backstage chatting with my friend Papa Emeritus of Ghost. I know I sound like an asshole, but it's the truth. Among other things Papa and I had a conversation about how 'Escape' is the most important song to him personally on Ride The Lightning. Discuss amongst yourselves.

For tonight's headline set, Metallica performed The Black Album in its entirety which reminded me that I saw 3 shows on The Black Album Tour. However, 'Shortest Straw' was my favorite song of the set. While it's not the band's most mainstream song, seemingly the entire crowd of 50,000+ was singing every word of it. It was pretty fucking cool. When it came time for The Black Album (performed in reverse order) I felt my interest level waning halfway through and it was off to take advantage of the uncrowded concession area to refuel. Is there anything more satisfying than exchanging a drink ticket for a ice cold beer on a hot evening? Nope.

After the headline set we found ourselves in the backstage area reserved for the side stage bands where much free alcohol was being distributed and annoyingly loud, bad dance music was being played by a run-of-the-mill DJ type. Although there were plenty of friends to keep me occupied the bad music was too much and I made my exit back into the balmy New Jersey night... Thus ending my Orion Fest experience on a somewhat quiet note.

Behind the Metal Stage

Much to my pleasant surprise, Orion Fest was a completely awesome experience. I didn't see all of the bands who I wanted to catch, but I saw the ones that meant the most to me. For the most part it was well run and organized and the eclectic nature of the bill made it even more enjoyable because it meant it wasn't the usual Metal crowd. The vibe of the weekend was (not to sound all Hippie Shit) communal and mellow. I didn't see any fights. I didn't see any stumbling, passed out in their own vomit drunks.... and I think that was a good thing for once. The one thing that did kinda sorta bug me about the weekend was I couldn't believe that Metallica did not play 'Orion' at Orion Fest. Weird... However, this minor oversight was forgotten the next morning: I traded messages with the guy who wrote 'Master Of Puppets' and told him how my friends Landmine Marathon had been so excited to play the festival and they absolutely killed it in front of their biggest audience. His response was pretty amazing and I hope he doesn't mind me quoting it here:

"That's why we did this thing. Exposure. Bands mature and grow when they get big crowds to play to."

Say what you will about Metallica, but that statement is pretty fucking cool. Deep down they do remember what it was like being that unknown band playing shitty tours in shitty towns... and now look at them.

THANKS to the members of the Umlaut Nation who kept me company over the weekend (Audrey, Cable Car, Canada Dave, Dylan, Grace, Matt, Raul, Ryan, Tony). Good times.

Then 48 hours later it was...

Iron Maiden / Alice Cooper
Comcast Center, Mansfield, Massachusetts
June 26, 2012

Sometimes the Metal Godz work in mysterious ways, man. After the weekend of sun, humidity, and volume in New Jersey I found myself on a short 50 minute flight to Boston. However, not before the flight was delayed around 2 hours because of a crazy ass thunderstorm. Thankfully the real life ride the lightning arrived late so it didn't ruin the weekend.. Long story short, if only all shows were this easy:


The ice cold $9 beer was worth every penny after the drive to the venue. While in the Men's Room pre-show a woman came to the entrance and shouted "MAHRK!! GET BAHCK OUT HEARA!" in a thick Boston accent... Then all the dudes started chanting "MAHRK! MAHRK!" in their Boston accents. New England is hilarious.

Since Alice Cooper isn't on the Maiden dates out West, I was glad to be able to see the tour with him on the bill. Alice pretty much had his full stage show (robots, guillotine, etc..) and played a brief 10-song set that included the hits you'd want to hear in such a short time ('Billion Dollar Babies'...'I'm Eighteen'.. 'School's Out'..). His latest band is good and got the job done. Alice is always the classic showman onstage. Thankyougoodnight!

As they have since the beginning, Maiden proceeded dimming the houselights by playing 'Doctor Doctor' by UFO. I love tradition! As sacred as Maiden are to me, you have to sometimes take their setlists with a grain of salt because they tend to play what they want and not what fans expect. Thankfully, on this 2012 Tour Maiden have stocked the set with more old goodies than on the previous trek 2 years ago. I can't remember the last time they played 'The Prisoner' live and the fantastic mid-set 1-2-3-4 punch of 'The Trooper' into 'The Number of the Beast' into 'Phantom of the Opera' (!) into 'Run To The Hills' was... awesome.

Phantom of the Opera from the soundboard

As with my Metallica experience at Orion Fest, I was glad to finally see Maiden outside of California. The East Coast crowd sang loud and the entire venue from the back to the front was going off the entire night. After closing the main set with the standard 'Iron Maiden' my favorite English band came back onstage and after all these years I still lose my shit when they play 'Aces High'. At this point I made a strategic decision and bailed early to beat the traffic out of the antiquated amphitheater's parking lot. I was cool with my decision since I intend to see at least 2 or 3 more shows on the Maiden England Tour. Fly to live... Do or die.

The next day time was killed before the flight home in North Boston where I had a fantastic lobster roll and ice cold beers at Goody Glover's while sitting outside in the balmy East Coast Summer.. When it was all said and done, Umlaut traveled over 6,300 miles on this Musical Odyssey. On the way back to San Francisco, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Good times... However, I hate to say it but after 8 years my brain feels like it's totally hit a writer's block wall with this space right now. Let's see if I can snap out of it...

"Rover... Wanderer.. Nomad.. Vagabond.. Call me what you will."

Baby's Brain Old Man's Heart

It was a busy night in San Franfuckingcisco, with Fu Manchu at the Bottom Of The Hill and Weezer (who reside in Umlaut's "I could give 2 shits about" file) playing a secret free show at The Regency. Anyway, the serious Rockers had already stomped over to:

Alice Cooper / Jetboy
The Warfield, San Francisco
October 21, 2009

This was Alice's 1st Bay Area headlining appearance in 7 years; his last time in the area was 2 years ago supporting Heaven And Hell in Concord. Going into the night, I was kind of annoyed and shocked by the number of people whose only reaction was "How old is he??" when I told them I was seeing Alice Cooper. As Timo says, he's ROCK LEGEND Alice Cooper and he should be on everyone's DON'T MISS List. It's not often you can see one of the original Rock Godz, especially one who still has his integrity and talent intact... and you must take advantage of that.

Jetboy were the perfect opener for this show, given their long-running history as a San Francisco band dating back to the 80's. Their solid brand of retro Punk / Glam went over well and, given it was a hometown show, a good percentage of the crowd knew the songs... especially the drunk guy behind us... who shouted slurry approvals at the band before being ejected by security after their set. After the drunk guy was escorted out, a curtain was raised in front of the stage... thus preparing us for the night of Rock Theater (say with an English accent) that was soon to begin:


Nobody knows how to start a show better than Alice Cooper... After the houselights dimmed and the intro tape played, the curtain dropped to reveal Alice and his band on a circus-like stage and they immediately launched into 'School's Out' > 'Department Of Youth' > 'I'm Eighteen'.. WOW. Age doesn't make a difference when it comes to Alice... His shows aren't acts of physical stamina like Iggy Pop, but instead are about theatrical charisma. When you watch Alice you realize what a fucking poser Marilyn Manson and most of the other "shock rockers" are compared to him; he's as much an old school stage actor as he is a Lock 'N Loll front man onstage... and no matter how many times Umlaut sees him it never gets boring... Nobody pulls off this type of Rock showmanship like Alice Cooper and appropriately he's surrounded himself with musicians who complement him perfectly, especially guitarists Damon Johnson and Keri Kelli who both play with that cocky 1970's Arena Rock attitude that's essential to Alice's songs.

This was Rock Theater (say with an English accent) at its best with this show billed and structured as the Theater Of Death. Right off the bat, Alice "murdered" one of his roadies by impaling him on a mic stand, like, 2 or 3 songs into the set! That roadie should call HR and file a complaint... I love how un-PC Alice's performances are.. such as when he sang 'Welcome To My Nightmare' and chased down a zombie bride towards the end of the song... and then sang 'Cold Ethyl' to her corpse. He also "abused" a nurse and then sang 'Only Women Bleed' as she lay at his feet after he had stripped off her uniform and donned her wig and nurse's hat. However, despite the debauchery, there were consequences for Alice, just like in any good morality play. As in proper theater, everything that happened onstage was an act that led into another act and eventually after each "crime" Alice was punished... Punishment was administered by lethal injection:

(Pic by South Bay Bret)

Punishment was administered by guillotine:

(Pic by South Bay Bret)

Punishment also came in the form of being impaled on spikes in a makeshift iron maiden... and punishment was administered by hanging, with the aforementioned abused nurse kicking the bucket out from under Alice's feet:

(Pic by South Bay Bret)

In Alice's world there is darkness and evil, but there's also justice and revenge for his victims. The performance was bookended by the liberating 'School's Out', which both opened the show and also served as the encore. Too high brow? Maybe... Kick ass Lock 'N Loll? COMPLETELY.

The aspect of Alice Cooper that also sets him apart from other "shock rockers" is he has amazing songs! Man, so many great songs... and I dare you to name another Classic Rock song that is as fun to sing along to as 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'.. If I had to choose, 'Ballad Of Dwight Fry' was my favorite of the set (which Alice still sings while bound in a straight jacket), but it's been one of my fave songs since, like, forever so it's kind of a no brainer anyway. Also, what other person Alice's age is singing songs about necrophilia?! I'm just saying...

Flashback: 'Cold Ethyl' educated me about necrophilia when I was around 14-years old.. My best friend at the time (John Lutkenhouse) and I would go into his older brother's room after school (his brother was off serving in the Navy) and we'd listen to his brother's Alice Cooper albums (and also his KISS albums, especially Alive!) over and over. A defining time in Umlaut's worldview... and no one has written a better line than "I've got a baby's brain and a old man's heart"... because I'm perpetually 18... and I like it.

Motörhead shirts = 4 or 5 (including mine). Grown men wearing Alice-style eye makeup: I lost count at 5 or 6. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. This was easily one of the gigs of the year for me... and after 90 minutes and 27 songs I set the Prius on course for:

Fu Manchu
Bottom Of The Hill, San Francisco
October 21, 2009

Straight from Alice Cooper I jetted across town and walked into the Bottom Of The Hill about 3 or 4 songs into Fu Manchu's set. According to the Umlaut Archives I've seen the band close to 20 times over the past 13 years (!) and whenever I see them it feels like I'm slipping on an old pair of Vans... a comfortable pair of no-nonsense shoes that then to proceed to kick me in the head.. in a good way of course.

After getting a beer I got up to the front and spent the next hour thinking about things as Fu Manchu entertained. It's always interesting pulling a doubleheader gig night, since the vibe of the shows are usually different. While Alice Cooper had the atmosphere of an event, the feeling at the Bottom Of The Hill was one of deja vu for me; been here, done this before... which wasn't a bad thing of course... but at least at The Warfield I didn't have drunk hipster kidz bumping into me and almost spilling my beer.

I was shocked when I remembered that it had been a year and a half since the last time I saw a show at B.O.T.H... which is weird since it used to be THE venue for SO MANY Umlaut shows dating back to 1994. Time flies, man... time flies. Remember when Marilyn Manson played there on his first tour? Or when the Melvins played 2 nights there with Adam of Tool as a guest band member? Me too.

Anyway, I was hearing Fu Manchu's new songs for the first time since their new CD just came out this week... and I have to admit I wasn't really feeling them... but old songs like 'Evil Eye' and 'Mongoose' still remain solid to me... but 'Superbird' was easily my favorite of the set.. "SOLID!" At this point, Fu Manchu are the grizzled veterans who continue to slog it out in the Rock Trenches despite obstacles thrown up in their path, such as a revolving door of record labels and the fickle nature of Music fans... It's cool to see that they're sticking to their guns... and, for the record, I had absolutely no problem with 'Mongoose' being used in a Toyota commercial last year.


Once the set ended I figuratively slipped that old pair of Vans off and I was back here in the 21st Century. Motörhead shirts = 2 (including mine). On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Let the record show that this was Umlaut's 4th doubleheader gig night of the year; they're not that hard to pull off if you know what you're doing... and all in all this had been a damn good one.

Six Days

The exciting sequel to the Obligatory Election 2004 Post!

Normally Umlaut tries to avoid being political in this space... Normally.

Alice Cooper - 1972

Back in 1992 my old roommate, some friends, and I walked down Valencia Street in The Mission after Clinton defeated Bush Sr... Our destination was The Elbo Room where we had vowed to each drink a shot of Southern Comfort in honor of the new President... and we did.

Yes, yes... Umlaut is aware that Alice Cooper is a Republican, but that doesn't mean he's not a Rock God... Let this be the first step towards healing this nation, 'kay?

Besides, if you don't own a copy of Alice Cooper's ALL-AMERICAN album Billion Dollar Babies can you honestly be called an American?? Nope.

"I'm your Yankee Doodle Dandy in a gold Rolls Royce... I wanna be elected!"

To Be Real

Heaven And Hell / Alice Cooper / Queensryche
Sleep Train Pavilion, Concord, CA
September 30, 2007

A couple of months back I saw Rodrigo y Gabriela and I hated the show. Not because of the performers (who are amazing musicians), but because of the crowd! My hatred was triggered by a group of drunk Marina types standing in front of us, who did the "Caucasian Dance" all night (dancing only with the shoulders and not moving the hips) and who talked loudly to one another during practically every song. Since the show was sold out and packed there was no where else to move; it was ANNOYING as FUCK... They were casual music fans whose attitude towards the music and performers was casual. Casual music fans annoy me.

Even after all these years, I still love attending Metal shows because the crowds are not casual about their music. That attitude makes Metal shows, like... REAL, man. REAL! That Techno music you listen to is gutless!

Anyway, long story short, while I listen to a lot of different music (like Rodrigo y Gabriela yuppie music), my heart is still molten Metal. As a result of my DNA code, I drove to Concord for the first time in 4 years for this gig. On this trek I was accompanied by Umlaut friends Teri and Raygun in The Shuttle.. and we met up with Timo at the venue exactly as planned. Surgical precision.

After exiting off the freeway in Concord, I temporarily docked The Shuttle and thought I'd be Star Trek and use The Shuttle's GPS system to find the nearest Chili's (Hey, for a chain restaurant Chili's is alright; we just needed pre-gig food and not a “dining experience”...). After struggling with the coordinates for some minutes, the course was set and I launched The Shuttle onto its new course... only to feel like a total lame ass when we saw a Chili's literally only a block away (the address I'd entered in the GPS was for another location). Nicely done, technology.. Nicely done.

Our random pre-show conversation included Teri revealing how she once went on a date with Vinnie Appice in 1983 (!) and Raygun's reference to paraquat, which is a word and a reference I haven't heard in probably, like, 20 years.. If you didn't grow up in the 70's you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.. and in another nice touch of nostalgia THE CAVEMAN was at the show! He’s been at Bay Area concerts since the 70’s… but what the hell does he do for a living?? Not that it matters, ‘cause The Caveman’s front row seat showed he obviously has the Lock ‘N Loll hookup. Nicely done, Caveman.. Nicely done. I also ran into a gaggle of Old Metalheads... Sorry, dudes I can't remember everyone who was there to give namechecks.. but you know who you are, bruthas.

Queensryche: There was a guy around my age several rows in front of us who held aloft a vintage Operation Mindcrime (1988) shirt during the entire set like a lovestruck teenybopper at a New Kids On The Block show. There but for the grace of Dog go I.

You couldn't help but notice the saxophone propped onstage... even as the band played its hits like 'Jet City Woman', that saxophone sat onstage like The Grim Reaper waiting to kill the set... and then it did.

Queensryche have been around for how many albums?? They have quite a few radio hits... and instead they opted to play a cover of Pink Floyd's 'Welcome To The Machine' with Geoff Tate "playing" the saxophone!? Egads... Dude, didn't Rush cover that song already?? Plus, it's a Pink Floyd song that's on FM Rock radio, like, every 10 minutes.. You might as well cover 'Stairway To Heaven' if you're trying to show just how irrelevant your band has become.. But thank Dog they didn't play 'Silent Lucidity'.... and 'Eyes Of A Stranger' is still a good song... but they shoulda busted out 'Queen Of The Reich'.

Alice Cooper: Alice pretty much stole the show IMO.. In Junior High my best friend (John Lutkinhouse) and I would go over to his house after school and listen to his older brother's albums.. Our two favorites were KISS - Alive! and Alice Cooper - Welcome To My Nightmare. Fast forward 30 years (I'M OLD!) and Alice came roaring onstage with a great swaggering young gun band led by drummer Eric Singer (KISS).. They opened with 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' > 'Under My Wheels' > 'Eighteen'. WOW. Alice and Iggy Pop are the Immortals of Rock: They both defy time.. There MUST be something in the water in Michigan, right? As Timo says "ROCK LEGEND Alice Cooper.." I couldn’t help but smile as Alice twirled his cane in his trademark manner.

The decidedly un-PC theatrical performances of 'Only Women Bleed' > 'Dead Babies' included Alice beating a woman (portrayed by his real-life daughter) and then impaling her baby on a wooden stake and holding it aloft… which led to my favorite song of the set: 'Ballad Of Dwight Fry' with Alice singing in a straight jacket and which climaxed with a gallows being wheeled onstage and Alice being hung for his crimes during 'I Love The Dead'... and then defying his onstage death by returning to close the set with 'School's Out'.. WOW. The encore that included 'Billion Dollar Babies' and 'Elected' was perfect. "I'm your top prime cut of meat, I'm your choice, I wanna be elected!"

Heaven And Hell: Man, the band’s mix sucked as they stormed onstage with ‘The Mob Rules’; Geezer’s bass smothered Tony’s guitar like a rough palm over your mouth... but it improved after a song or two. Dio was working the stage like nobody’s business and I couldn’t help but smile as he twirled the mic stand in his trademark manner.

Things were fantastic until REAL life intervened... and Raygun passed out during 'Falling Off The Edge Of The World'... I'm not kidding.. Irony! No, he wasn’t wasted.. and, thankfully, 15 minutes later he was fine and it was like nothing had happened… but we took the opportunity to bail out a bit early to beat the parking lot crush since I didn’t feel right about staying to the end given the real world scare. Glad you’re okay, Raygun!

If you bought one of every Heaven And Hell merch item you would have paid around $685. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I would bet money that there were more people in The House from Heaven And Hell's merch company than there were from Alice Cooper's. Keepin' it real, man... Keepin' it real.

Oh, then there's this bit of REAL:

Socializing feral kittens at Casa de Umlaut - Oct. 5, 2007