First And Last

Dethklok / Mastodon / Converge / High On Fire
San Jose State Event Center, San Jose, CA
November 21, 2009

Earlier in the week, Umlaut found himself riding in a limousine through Hollywood on my way to a business meeting... when I spotted this billboard on Sunset Boulevard:

Since I was seeing the Dethklok / Mastodon tour again 3 days later I thought it was *funny*... Sometimes when you're riding in the back of a limo through Hollywood mundane things seem interesting I guess... but I just noticed that the speed limit sign is upside down... *Funny*. Anyway... I can't remember off hand the last time I saw the first show of a tour and the final show of the same tour. Over a month ago, Umlaut was in Portland and caught opening night of this package tour... and now 50 days later I arrived at the San Jose State gymnasium (for a mind boggling 3rd time this year..) to witness the final night of this trek.

Photo Ray and I arrived early so we could catch High On Fire... but at Will Call those dreaded 4 words stopped us in our tracks: "NOT ON THE LIST!". Goddamnfucksonofabitchfuck! Evidently there was a fuck up with the guest lists and almost nobody had anything waiting for them, press and band guests alike. So for the next hour or so I stood around in the chilly San Jose night with press friends and various photographers waiting for something to happen. Unfortunately at that point I went into Lock 'N Loll survival mode and basically abandoned my friends in order to sort out my situation (SORRY Photo Ray, Hard Rock Chick, and Photo Alan...). Thankfully, Mastodon / High On Fire's manager is a stand up guy and, although he was at home in L.A. and it was a Saturday night, he responded to my text message and put me directly in touch with his tour manager backstage... who got my tickets and passes sorted (THANKS Nick and Dave!).

Since I didn't need the extra ticket, I handed it to a random kid who was walking past me with him Mom.. My Metal good deed for the day. However, even this good deed couldn't make up for completely missing High On Fire's set. Goddamnfucksonofabitchfuck!

Once inside, Umlaut encountered the same scenario as in Portland: A VIP pass that was basically useless. I don't mean to look a gift horse in the mouth (or maybe I do...), but it was annoying that a VIP pass tonight only allowed access to a backstage foyer area next to doors that led outside, but not into any of the adjoining areas or hallways. For comparison, a VIP pass at the recent Slipknot show in the same venue allowed me to mooch food in Catering and watch the Rock Stars up close in their natural habitat. The pass tonight also granted access to a taped off VIP area in the stands at stage left, which was gratuitous at best since "civilians" kept jumping the tape and after awhile security stopped policing the section seriously. I know I'm being a spoiled bitch about this, but generally "VIP" means something more at big Lock 'N Loll shows. It really does... but the Will Call drama had set the tone for my night and I was getting annoyed by alot of things by then. ANYWAY... sorry to be a whiny bitch.. but I'm better now.

I'm not that familiar with Converge, but they reminded me of Gallows in some respects... I was most impressed by the fact that a good portion of the nearly sold out crowd booed them in between songs. I haven't heard a crowd boo a support act in a LONG time and this made me like the band even more. Fuck this mainstream suburban crowd! During their set, I wandered backstage with Wexford Girl and The Bassist and we happened to be standing in the backstage foyer area as Converge came offstage. As the singer passed me I tapped his arm and said "GOOD SET" (which I genuinely meant..) and he actually GRUNTED at me in response! WTF.. The Bassist and I looked at each other and started cracking up. Oh, Rock Stars.. During the break in between bands a beer vendor bonded with a customer over how "AWESOME" High On Fire had been, which featured the beer vendor air guitaring.

Prior to this show I was hesitant about seeing Mastodon again because I was afraid I was burned out on them; this would be the 4th time Umlaut has seen them on this tour, where they have been playing the entire Crack The Skye album. It's one of my favorite albums of the year, but did I really need to see it played in its entirety for the 4th time in 7 months? However, as their set time neared I found myself standing behind Mastodon for the 2nd time in 3 months as they prepared to go onstage. This is what it looked like back in August:

Golden Gate Park, S.F.

As I mentioned / bitched about earlier, the Will Call drama put me in kind of a foul mood and I found myself not being into watching Mastodon at all after awhile. As they started to play 'The Czar' (Track 4 on Crack The Skye...) Wexford Girl and I scampered upstairs to the merch table to check out the product and to get another beer. At the merch table we were shocked to find out that Dethklok had basically sold out of merch already except for a few Small size shirts. Impressive! Never underestimate the power of a band backed by corporate cable television marketing. So... as much as I genuinely love Mastodon... I spent most of their set chatting with people, drinking a beer, and geeking out over a poster for a show I saw at the Event Center a thousand years ago.

1993: One of my favorite shows ever..

Sorry Mastodon... I've been following you a long time dating back to your club days, dudes... and I'll still support you... but my head just wasn't *there* for you tonight. During the break between bands I saw a guy who I had seen earlier who was sporting a black eye and a Slayer shirt. METAL!

I tried to go into the show with an open mind about Dethklok, especially since I had a bad attitude about them in Portland... Also, the new season of Metalocalypse has been fucking genius and LAUGH OUT LOUD hilarious so I wanted to like Dethklok tonight. I really did.. However, my opinion wasn't swayed. Yes, the musicianship is good... but come on. This is a Metal band geared for kids and casual Metal fans... There, I said it... and I LOVE the t.v. show.. but those are cartoon characters.. and the acid test for me is if you take away the animation and t.v. show context would the music stand on its own. IMO: Nope. However, it was impressive watching 7,000 cable television viewers going bonkers.

San Jose screams for its cream..

Anyway, it was a jagged night that my head wasn't really into 100% but it was still fun.. and that's all that matters, right? Photo Ray and I bailed after Dethklok played 'Murmaider' (a song about mermaid murder...) in order to grab food and beer at Gordon Biersch.... which was funny because it was the exact same moment that I bailed out of the Portland show. I have to admit, the lobster tacos and pint of Pilsner at Gordon Biersch were THE most brutally excellent things of the evening for me... During the meal I traded text messages with a friend in NYC about a Slaughter video... WTF. Up all night.. sleep all day.

Most band shirts in the crowd = SLAYER. If you bought one of every Mastodon merch item you would have paid around $200. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I just read what I've typed here and, man, am I really that spoiled and jaded!? Wow..... I'm looking at the man in the mirror... This morning I woke up to a news report that Michael Jackson's trademark glove sold for over $350,000.. WTF.

Make It Real Not Fantasy

Dethklok / Mastodon
Roseland, Portland, Oregon
October 2, 2009

Around 17 hours after returning from Umlaut's 800 Miles To Hell And Back trek, I found myself boarding another plane... this one bound for Drug Store Cowboy Town. My mission to the Northwest is confidential in nature, but ironically it coincided with some substantial METAL activity. The Rock Godz work in mysterious ways. Unfortunately, due to a dinner engagement, I arrived at the venue too late to see High On Fire... which was a bummer.. but it was cool to be able to attend the first night of this much anticipated tour.

Mastodon: This was the 3rd time I've seen Mastodon on their Crack The Skye Tour and they once again performed that album in its entirety. As at their show back in April, the set was augmented by an impressive video presentation on a huge LED screen behind the stage. I can only imagine how the band stays motivated playing their entire new album every night, but it was a great performance to kick off the tour. However, it was interesting how the band's performance kicked up a notch when they played older material following the new album.. It was almost like playing the old songs was the payoff for the band after what might be "the grind" of playing the same set at every show for the past 6-7 months... but that's what great bands do.. they suck it up and do their best... and Mastodon are a great band.

Anyway...

Umlaut has never been issued a VIP pass that gave him access to absolutely nothing, not even a bullshit roped off bar area. When I first attempted to use the VIP pass, the pimply-faced security guard denied me with some standard security mumbo jumbo... and since I'm not a dick I didn't push it. However, since I was bored during the set up time between Mastodon and Dethklok I tried again, but this time I asked to speak to the pimply-faced security guard's supervisor. It turns out the kid was right: He and his boss consulted the xeroxed pass definition list and, indeed, it basically said that a VIP pass granted no access to anywhere. Wow... sorry, dude.. my bad... but WTF... why even issue a pass if it will grant the user absolutely nothing? Many trees died to print those passes. Discuss amongst yourselves. Lock 'N Loll.

Anyway....

Dethklok: Now, Umlaut loves the show Metalocalypse... but this "concert" struck me as what I imagine Star Wars In Concert might be like... I just couldn't get past how inauthentic Dethklok in concert felt to my Old Metal Soul. Of course, I don't doubt that the creators of the show and the musicians involved are Metal fans... and the show's humor and sensibilities definitely ring true to this Metal fan... but I can't buy into the human version of the cartoon band... mainly because I'm from the generation that had t.v. bands like The Banana Splits, Josie & The Pussycats, and The Partridge Family who were basically the same type of "band" as Dethklok. Granted, Dethklok are far more brutal (and funny) than these predecessors, but it's the same type of product, only one that was created here in the 21st Century.


The "real" band performed in the glare of the huge LED screen that projected video featuring the "cartoon" band and it was too much like watching television for me.. The sold out crowd of kidz ate it up, but I walked out of the venue after around 45 minutes after they performed 'The Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle'.. which is the quintessential Dethklok song IMO.

Not to go off on too much of a rant, but I'll still watch the show... buy the DVDs... but supporting Dethklok as a band? My Old Metal Soul won't allow me to go that far... I will support Dethklok in the same way I supported The Partridge Family as a band when I was a kid. Yes, the musicianship of "the band" is decent (with credibility added by Gene Hoglan on drums).. but when there are up-and-coming real world, real deal Metal bands like Landmine Marathon bleeding for Metal in the trenches without the hype and Marketing of a major television network behind them, I have to say that my time is best spent slicing my palm and blood bonding with the real bands.

Mastodon were selling the tour shirt from the first leg of their U.S. Tour back in April for $10 less than the new tour shirt. On the way back to the hotel, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. As I was typing this that old Scorpions song popped into my head: "Make it real, not fantasy.." Prepare for ultimate flavor.

The Worthless VIP Pass
(color removed to make it harder for sneaky fucks to counterfeit)

Coming Soon: Umlaut's No Sleep 'Til Vegas Tour Report..

Day Of Days 2008

Despite it's somewhat rambling nature, this post shall serve, in its own way, as Umlaut's annual remembrance of The Day Of Days.

Umlaut's record collection contains a variety of different music, but his heart and soul will always be Metal... and it's things like the following that reinforce my metallic leanings.

Decibel is my favorite Metal publication because of its intelligent writing, its insightful choice of subjects for articles (such as the definitive story about the recording of Sleep's Jerusalem album), its sense of humor, and also because the staff knows that Metal fans tend to be intellectual and introspective beings who have more about them than simply loud Satanic music. Case in point is this article from the July 2008 issue:


The article is about the new collection of Bill Mauldin's legendary WWII comics Willie & Joe. I won't bother to educate the newbies about who Bill Mauldin was (Wiki him!)... but needless to say every WW2 Geek like Umlaut knows who I'm talking about. I bet Steve Harris has already ordered his copy.

"Your task will not be an easy one. Your enemy is well trained, well equipped and battle hardened. He will fight savagely."

Ironically, on The Day Before The Day Of Days, Umlaut received the copy of MOH: Airborne that he'd ordered.


Which way is Sainte-Mère-Église? Those who fail to learn from History are doomed to listen to crap music.. Speaking of which, the night before The Day Of Days it was:

Dethklok
The Fillmore, San Francisco
June 5, 2008

This show was brutally sold out in advance.. Not bad for a virtual band! Dethklok are WAY more brutal than that other virtual band Gorillaz... WAY.

Timo picked me up at 8:50PM.. However, on Fillmore St., a block from the venue, we encountered an SFPD roadblock... So we drove around to Geary and when we turned the corner we encountered several SFPD cars, a fire truck, AND a PG&E truck parked in front of The Fillmore... as well as dozens of people, all dressed in black, milling around out front. Not a good sign.

After scoring a parking space we walked up to The Fillmore's entrance and were told the show was cancelled due to "power outtage issues". WTF.. I called Takoyaki to tell her the show was cancelled and she was, like, "WTF" too.... WTF!

It was also hella windy, dude. .. HELLA WINDY!! On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Timo drove me back home and I walked back into the house at 9:46PM. At 10:29PM the local news reported that an electrical fire had broken out in The Fillmore during the opening band's set and the sold out venue had been evacuated!! Wow... Umlaut and Timo missed being caught up in the action by mere minutes.. Cue scary memories of The Great White Fire dancing through my head.

Virtual WW2 combat... Virtual Metal band... Hmmm.. It's a good thing the red wine I'm drinking as I type this isn't virtual... and I'm happy Timo and I missed The Fillmore Fire drama... 'cause no one likes to shove women and children out of the way in order to save their own skin... unless it's necessary of course.

Postscript: Dethklok posted a message on their website regarding The Fillmore early on the morning of The Day Of Days:

Friday, June 06, 2008

SF Show at the FILLMORE CANCELLED BECAUSE OF FIRE

Last night June 5th a small electrical fire stopped the DETHKLOK show from happening- everyone was evacuated safely and most importantly NO ONE WAS hurt.

The band was ready and excited to play especially because the Fillmore is an amazing and legendary kick ass venue. Ultimately the cops/fire department deemed the situation unsafe to perform and cancelled the show- not the band, not the venue but the cops. The band was incredibly disappointed to find they couldn't play. But again most importantly NOBODY GOT HURT.

The people in suits are trying to find out what to do- hopefully there will be a rescheduled show. do please check with THE FILLMORE'S website as they will be posting news as it comes to them.

Thanks to all the fans who remained incredibly cool, collected, and understanding during a possibly dangerous situation.

Sincerely,
Charles Offdensen