Silly Rabbit... Slayer Is For Kidz

Umlaut friend Rich Laminate chimes in with another jaw-dropping classic tale from his Road Dog Days with Slayer. WARNING: Those who don't like those National Geographic Channel shows about the food chain probably shouldn't read this...

The snake met us in Columbia, SC in 1985, prior to the tour supporting Venom.

As I recall, the snake was 17 feet long and lived in various places along our trip, but somehow mostly with me. On our way to New York we had like 4 days off in New Jersey, so Kerry and I went to either a Home Depot or a Rickels store and bought a bunch of stuff to build it a cage. Of course, there was no where to keep Mr. Snake while we built the cage, so I kept it at my house in my room under a couch.

On Day 3 my father found out that there was a 17 foot snake in the house; I had little sisters who were like 7, 9 and 11 years old at the time. As you might imagine my father lost his fucking mind and threw me out of the house, but only after going to look for the snake with a gun. He was ballistic!!! Good thing he didn't look under the couch.

So Kerry and I went and stayed at a hotel until we met up with Venom for the start of the tour. All good, first gig was at Studio 54 in NYC and then it was on to Montreal. As we're driving towards the border, we realized there might be a problem with the snake freezing in the truck, not to mention the border crossing. So we stopped the truck, climbed in the back, took apart one of Tom's bass cabinets, lined the inside with blankets, and put Mr. Snake in his new home for the border crossing. It seemed good enough since that's were we also hid the tour t-shirts so border crossing taxes wouldn't have to be paid on them.. The Old Days!

We made it into Canada, got the snake out, and Kerry was keeping it in the bathroom of his hotel room, which he shared with Tom. A couple of days went by and Kerry realized he needed to feed the beast, so he and Tom headed off in search of food for a 17 foot snake. But what?

They couldn't find rats or anything like that, so the two brain surgeons found an Angora Rabbit, full grown, like 4 or 5 pounds. They brought the rabbit back to the hotel, in Toronto as I recall. They figured they would watch Mr. Snake eat the rabbit. I did not actually witness the next part of the story.

Tom and Kerry played with the rabbit and then they let Mr. Snake out for the party. Kerry walked towards Mr. Snake and dropped the rabbit on the ground but, before he could back up, Mr. Snake lunged towards Kerry and bit him just below his balls on his inner thigh! Apparently Kerry had the smell of rabbit on his leg and the snake was not so bright, so the snake bit Kerry while the rabbit went hopping around the hotel room. Big laughs from everyone but Kerry. They got the snake to let go of Kerry and put it in the bathroom with the rabbit for a more serene setting for dinner. Apparently, nobody wanted to watch anymore.

Kerry had this bite mark that was fucking huge, had to be 12 inches by 12 inches, it looked like someone hit him with a baseball bat. I laughed my nuts off. I suggested killing the snake, "Fuckin-A, that thing bites me, I'm fuckin' killin' it.."

Kerry would have none of that as he understood the snake's mind. However, every time I saw him in his underwear after that before the gigs I laughed like a retard. Tom didn't want anything more to do with the snake. It seemed like my father might have been right about it after all.

Anyway, every time we crossed the border we went through the same process with the bass cabinet. As we moved West it was getting colder and colder and the snake was getting cranky. We played Winnipeg one night but canceled a 2nd night because they were having a major snow storm. So we were on our way to The Kabuki in S.F.. Kerry said "I don't feel like driving all that way" and had his parents buy him a plane ticket to fly to San Francisco and we were stuck with the snake!

We crossed the border back into North Dakota where it was, like, seriously 20 below zero. We took the snake and brought him into the cab of the Ryder truck to stay warm. This did make him happier and he moved around the cab while Tom and I drove. HMMMMMM, interesting. An hour after crossing the border we got a flat tire. It took us all night to get the tire fixed and then we were off, nonstop, 17 hours to San Francisco.

By the time we made it to S.F., the snake was really digging the truck cab. When we got to The Kabuki I went to grab him and, of course, it was growling and hissing and did not want to be touched. Aw fuck. I had to go get Kerry to extricate the beast from my life, which he did and that was the last time we saw Mr. Snake. He lived another few years and died at Kerry's house where, of course, Kerry decided to freeze him and then skin him out sometime later. Interesting....

Oh, did I mention that when a rabbit goes in a snake, an extraordinarily large turd comes out a few days later in your hotel room!!!!!!!! Fun fun fun with Slayer. Kerry was like a mad scientist..

Okay, Umlaut can hear the complaints from the Politically Correct already.. Like I said, if you're not down with the National Geographic Channel then don't watch it! Also, I'm sure others are simply outraged because it's Slayer... Like, "acceptable" musicians such as Radiohead or Bruce Springsteen have NEVER fed their animals while on tour? Yeah, right...

SLAYER.

No Sleep 'Til Salinas

Flyer courtesy of Flyerannex. War story courtesy of Rich Laminate:

I was nearly killed by Tom Araya on the way to this show.

The band and crew were all riding in our box truck to the gig, including Rocky from Suicidal Tendencies in attendance, much beer, and a couch in the back of the truck.

While imbibing in many beverages, a wrestling match broke out between all of the passengers in the back of the truck, something like Jeff Hanneman and Rocky against everyone else. There were probably 8 or 9 of us fighting, when all of a sudden we felt the truck drive off the side of the road and through a drainage ditch before regaining control.

Apparently Tom Araya, who was driving, did not want to miss out on the wrestling match; who would? He simply did not allow for the fact that while he was fighting there was no one driving the truck, hence our journey into the ditch.

When we finally got the truck stopped, we exited to find numerous shrubs, bushes, and other debris projecting from our rental truck. Huh, well it seemed like a good time for a piss break and then it was back to drinking and driving.

Truly there is no substitute for being young, stupid, with the band, and over run with beer......AHHHHHHHHH 1986.. Good times (when Dave Mustaine was still relatively cool)

Better To Reign In Hell Than Serve In Heaven

Umlaut friend Rich Laminate chimes in with another classic tale from his Road Dog Days:

For some reason your story reminded me of when Slayer were playing The Ritz in New York in 1986-87. I was operating the light board and observed this peculiar looking fellow in the crowd.

I mentioned to my girlfriend that he looked strangely out of place, with his profoundly feathered long blonde hair (ala Heather Locklear), obnoxiously tight jeans, and general "unusual" demeanor. I opined that the fellow must be lost as clearly he was not a Slayer fan and looked more like a Stryper fan.

After the show, while consuming beverages, here comes that dude to ask if he can drop in the dressing room and meet the band. I suggested that he did not look like any of our friends and I asked who he was... He introduced himself as Robert or Michael Sweet from Stryper... to which I was staggered, especially when he told me he was a Slayer fan.

Perplexed, I agreed to ask the Slayer guys if they would like to meet him.. To which the guys replied with something along the lines of "Go fuck yourself..". Obviously this was not a shock, but you had to see the look on Mr. Sweet's face when he was denied access. Big laughs.

What's worse: Stryper being Slayer fans... or if Slayer were Stryper fans?? Discuss amongst yourselves. Bonus credit if you can decide which band is more likely to even know who John Milton is...

Da-Do-Do-Do-Da Raining Blood

Marvel at how a random conversation on the Information Superhighway goes from a snide remark about The Police reunion tour to Slayer and a Camaro... just... like... that!

Umlaut: The Police reunion tour = Stones prices... "Tickets will be scaled primarily at $225, $90 and $50."

Tour Manager Doug ("TMD"): And this surprises you?

Umlaut: No... but I am surprised people would pay those prices to see 'em.

TMD: That remains to be seen. I'm thinking they'll do pretty good as far as ticket sales go.

Umlaut: They're the Stones of the 80's Gen.... It'll be huge and boring ... In order to get access to the ticket pre-sale via The Police tour site you have to join their fan club for $100... 4 ticket limit. Nicely done.

TMD: It's all about sucking as much money out of your fans as possible.

Umlaut: Just like Venom.... only alot more money.

TMD: They were both 3 pieces. You never see them in the same place. Maybe...

Umlaut: Both have shite bass players....

TMD: I think maybe they are one and the same.

Umlaut: Both are from Newcastle! (Sting and Venom)

TMD: Hey, do me a favor. Send the link to that Slayer Grammy Umlaut posting to my buddy Rich. He's copied here. He was around way back when in the Slayer World. And he will probably get a kick out of this "The Police are Venom" thread.

Rich Laminate: Yes I must confess, I am aware of the parallels between The Police and Venom. I must also confess Cronos/Conrad is a longtime friend although I have not seen him in a number of years. I must also confess to working for Sting briefly in 1986 as well as Venom. Actually the more I think about it the more bizarre it all is. I am sure I would not pay the $225 to see The Police. I might pay to see the original Venom again. "Buried Alive" and "Bloodlust" were always epic.

Umlaut: I saw Sting in 1986 as I was getting out of the Metal Days... and I saw Venom in 1985 and 2006 and was sorely disappointed both times.

Rich Laminate: Where did you see Venom? I think we played the Kabuki Theater if I remember correctly, Venom, Slayer & Exodus; real Exodus with Baloff. I was with Venom and Slayer at the time, I think we also played a theater in Sacramento, perhaps the State Theater... Yeah Venom probably lacked cool due to the very gay guitar players, as I recall Mantas did not feel like touring. As for Sting he was a pretty cool guy, very nice but definitely insanely talented and on his own page, like an Einstein type dude. I had a conversation with Branford Marsalis who was playing with him at the time. The funny part was that Sting would actually play the horn the way he wanted Branford to play the instrument which is kind of bizarre as the guy is ridiculously talented and I am sure does not need Sting to school him. Funny nonetheless.

Umlaut: I saw the Venom / Slayer tour at The Kabuki.. and I spent alot of time around 'Loff and Exodus back then. Venom didn't impress because they were so sloppy... especially coming after Slayer. The legendary story from The Kabuki is Cronos threatening to drop the lighting rig on the crowd if people didn't stop spitting on him (HAHA).

Rich Laminate: Were you at Day On The Green when Metallica played, I remember Harold O. with an "I Am An AIDS Victim" logo courtesy of James and Kirk.. Fun times. Whatever happened to local personalities Andy Anderson and Toby, the two immortal crowd walkers? Are they still alive?

Umlaut: I was at that DOTG... Yeah, Harold's legendary moment of degradation. I haven't seen or talked to Andy in 10 years. I haven't seen Toby since 1985 but a friend of mine ran into him several years back at... The Renaissance Fair. I have a vivid memory of Toby walking on heads during Slayer at that Kabuki - Venom show.

Rich Laminate: Those guys were amazing. We (Slayer) did a show in Sacramento with Exodus and DRI; another momentous show and they were diving off the PA. Personally I was busy trying to remove the endless stream of revelers from the stage. Rumor was we had like 5 or 6 people with broken limbs. The crowd was so violent, you had to love it. Ah nostalgia, the 80's.. They "weren't no tuna fish and they ain't no trout"; words to live by.

Umlaut: I have another vivid memory of Andy diving off the speaker stacks at The Warfield during the Motorhead / Mercyful Fate / Exciter show in '84... The last Metal show at that venue for, like, 5 years due to the damage done to the place.. Epic.


Rich Laminate: Slayer started the Reign In Blood Tour in Seattle and the crowd at the Moore Theater ripped the stone facings from the walls and began throwing it, along with various pieces of seats and what not, at each other. By the time the show was over the gig looked like Beirut. Speaking of Mercyful Fate and Exciter, when I met the guys in Slayer in 1984, Tom and I went to see Mercyful Fate and Exciter in Baltimore, MD and ended up with myself beating up like 4 or 5 bouncers at this club after way too many Red Deaths. When the promoter found out who Tom was he made the guy who started the ruckus apologize, who coincidentally had a broken nose courtesy of me. We went back into the gig to rage some more and of course crashed the car on the way home to New Jersey. Fun times......

Umlaut: The first time I met Tom was pre-Slayer and he was visiting S.F. with a mutual friend.. He was wearing a tweed blazer and cranked Santana in his Camaro. Funny.

Rich Laminate: Dude, the car we crashed was the Camaro. It was the first tour bus. I had an opportunity to segue over to KJ's recollection of the infamous Cronos / Tom Araya encounter, which I was present for.

[Umlaut Note: For the newbies, this incident has been Metal Legend around the world for over 20 years..]

If my memory serves me, we did not have enough money for hotel rooms and I believe we were in Buffalo or upstate New York somewhere and out of the kindness of their hearts, Venom allowed us to stay in their tour bus. Obviously boys will be boys and a certain kinship was developing over much alcohol.

I remember Cronos either passing out in the front lounge or maybe taking a breather and somehow Tom's dick came out in the general direction of Cronos, which was met by a very significant head butt to the face. In a split second the room went from drunken fun to, holy shit, we may get thrown off the tour, not to mention we are about to have nowhere to sleep. Even more amazing was Tom's nearly unfazed response and his limited laughter at the whole thing. A special moment in Metal history. I am glad to have been there. We took "no money" to a whole new level.

Umlaut: To quote Baloff: "METAL!!!!!" It's amazing how the story of Tom "marking" Cronos traveled all the way to S.F. back then in those pre-Internet / pre-cell phone days. The stuff of legend!

Rich Laminate: As for the story I was telling you last night, it is even more involved. It starts like this: Tom and I venture 2 1/2 hours south to see Mercyful Fate and Exciter at the Coast to Coast Club in Baltimore, Maryland. I had arranged us some passes through Doc Bevins the promoter, a very good guy. The first thing that happens is Doc provides Tom and I with an open bar tab, which lead to many, many, many Red Deaths; I can't even remember what is in them but they will hurt you.

Anyway, Mercyful Fate is on and Tom and I are in the crowd and there is a blind guy (complete with cane) standing in front of me banging his head; a little unusual, but whatever. This guy turns around and claims I am pushing him, which I am not. The bouncers got involved, a fight started, I whacked a couple of them before they dog piled me; all the while Tom is still watching the show. So they drag me out with Tom in pursuit. Now he is drunk and hostile and the promoter comes outside to see what's going on and finds his 2 guests fighting his hooligans.

Cooler heads prevailed and he made the guy who obviously got the worst of the beating apologize for starting it. I could not believe it: broken nose and bleeding, this poor dude has to apologize. Cool, now back to the show and more drinking. Somewhere along the line I ask Tom if he can drive because I am completely retarded and he assures me he can. After the show we head to the infamous Camaro for our drive home.

Along the walk through the parking lot we find original Old Bridge Metal Militia member Bob Ojo sitting on a parking stop with no shoes on and a t-shirt. This is important because it is November 1984 (pre-global warming), like 25 degrees, snowing and ice on the ground.. Remember no shoes and a t-shirt and obviously intoxicated. When questioned what the hell he was doing there and how did he get there, he seemed oblivious. Anyway times a-wasting and we need to take our comrade in arms in and take him home with us. He piles into the Camaro and off we go.

After a few miles I again ask Tom if he is OK to drive and he reassures me he is good. I fall asleep and awake to the sound of grinding metal and sparks showering the car, to which I react by grabbing the wheel and steering the car off of the barrier wall on I-95 and over the curb. Tom wakes up, hits the brake, the car stops and we are like "What the fuck just happened". Of course, our comrade in the backseat never even woke up after hitting the barrier and the curb and skidding to a stop.

After about a 3 second discussion we decided perhaps we should just stay there and sleep (in the grass on the side of the interstate). We slept for a few hours and then restarted our trip.

Everything was fine, and we made it back to Jersey and nearly home. 5 miles from our destination, we are entering an onramp on the Garden State Parkway and at the top of the ramp the car spins loose and does 2 complete 360 degree spins on the ice. Normally this would not be significant except for the 5 state police cars behind us, who immediately pull us over and inspect the entire car. How we did not get a DUI remains to be seen. We sat on the guide rail for like an hour; poor Bob, still no shoes and a t-shirt.

Tom was issued a ticket for careless driving and so we finally made our way home... Ah 1984, a much less complicated time........... What a metal night, drinking, fighting, car crashes and the police. I am feeling a little bit nostalgic, even weepy. Those were the days my friend. Ironically, Tom is still one of the nicest people I am privileged to be friends with and 23 years later we are still here laughing about the same stupid bullshit.......

Old Metal has the best stories.. Kidz these days don't even know.

Thanks Rich!

"Blasting our way through the boundaries of Hell, no one can stop us tonight.."

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Several longtime readers commented to me privately that I should have called this post the sequel to last year's infamous Old Men Talking "conversation"; I agree.. My favorite thing about this space is how it can jar other peoples' memories... so I don't feel like I'm the only freak who finds this crap entertaining.

Old Metal Erik: I have been enjoying your blog and the resulting Earth Dog thread over my morning joe, and I gotta pipe in. I remember the Kabuki bill as Venom, Slayer, Possessed. Exodus did the tour but wanted to do their own hometown show for the Bonded By Blood release. I might be wrong, but we joked about the bill being Venom, Venom Jr. and Baby Venom.

As far as that Motorhead / Mercyful Fate /Exciter show: Awesome! And it marked the end of those seats at The Warfield. I did my share of destruction that night, flinging pieces of seats everywhere. It was truly chaotic.

Note for The Newbies: For almost 40 years The Warfield was a movie theater (Gone With The Wind had its West Coast premiere there in 1939). In the 70's the theater became a concert venue and the original main floor theater seating remained intact... until Motorhead and Mercyful Fate literally destroyed them in 1984. In the years following that mayhem the old theater seats were removed and The Warfield's main floor is now an open floor for General Admission standing.

Umlaut: [Posted on the Earth-Dog Forum] That Motorhead / Mercyful Fate / Exciter show at The Warfield was so epic... The theater style seats bolted to the floor.. Everyone rushing the stage when Fate came on.. I got knocked sideways out of the aisle and was laying across several chairs for a bit and I was afraid someone was going to land on top of me from above.. The debris from the busted chairs being thrown onstage during MH.. Then walking around down front after the show and seeing all of the wreckage.. the remains of the chairs still bolted to the floor but no more chairs... Epic!

The Warfield with its original main floor theater seating (1930's)

Old Metal Erik: Now, the irony. I spent the years 1988-1995 working at The Warfield and Fillmore, both on the stage crew for events, and on the maintenance staff when shows were slim. One of the main tasks for maintenance was repairing the damaged seats in the balcony - the exact same seats that used to be on the main floor. Talk about karma!

Nonetheless, I used to love working in the balcony, and finding all the lost concert goer loot. I found wristwatches, jewelry, money, and after Jerry Garcia shows there would be literally ounces of high grade pot to be had.

I was once reattaching a severed seat cushion, when a ticket stub fell out of the inner stuffing. It read "Loew's Warfield" and was dated 1932. I still have it in plastic somewhere. Crazy!

The Warfield as Movie Theater
Circa 1964 showing Boris Karloff's Black Sabbath (!)

These relics are courtesy of Chris J. (Thanks brutha!):

Count all of the umlauts!! However, wrong 1984 Motorhead band photo...

Revised ad with correct 1984 Motorhead photo

1986 Revisited

May 1986... The heavy hitters of 80's "Alternative" Rock certainly came through The Fillmore.. Especially on the 3rd, 10th, and 29th.

(From the Timo Archives)

A year earlier Umlaut was still into Metal. It's weird how a year can sometimes change everything. In 1986 I went back to college to give it "another go" (as The Brits say), and I soon fell in with a whole new group of Music Geeks.. and this is where my head was at: 80's Indie / College / Rockabilly / Alternative guitar stuff. I saw Bob Dylan and Neil Young for the first times that year too.

My most vivid memory from that year seems to be seeing Camper Van Beethoven at some weird, short-lived club next door to a movie theater in a San Jose strip mall. I don't remember the name of the place, but the space literally looked like someone's living room with the band set up on the floor in front of a fireplace.

I was sick and had taken NyQuil or some other cold remedy... Of course, I did the smart thing (since I had gone back to college) and got a pint of beer at the bar. When the show began my head was spinning like a hippie chick at a Dead show from the cold remedy and alcohol. I ended up sitting in the middle of the floor and watched peoples' feet as Camper played 'Sad Lovers Waltz'. Whenever I hear that song now it takes me right back to that floor and that moment.

I was WAY into Lone Justice in 1986 too (Lone Justice w/ Steve Earle = Fookin' gleat..). Good times.

Anyway, now all of Umlaut's Old Metal bruthas and sistahs know where I was after I disappeared from the S.F. Metal Scene.....

BUT here's something else you didn't know: In March 1985 I COMPLETELY betrayed Metal and saw Prince on the Purple Rain Tour! (cue stunned silence.....)

I could blame it on the girl who asked me to go, but no one forced me.. The things you will do for chicks when you're young... Prince played 6 sold out shows at the Cow Palace. In hindsight, I'm glad I saw that concert.. Tics were only $17.50 too. "Wear Purple" (I didn't).

Two weeks later I was seeing Metallica / Armored Saint again as if nothing had happened. And a week after that I was seeing Iron Maiden again as if nothing had happened!

I looked all of my Metal friends in the eyes (including Cliff Burton) and they suspected NOTHING. I was a fucking poser in their midst! HA!!! So now you know. Shocking, innit?!

"Two thousand zero zero party over, ooops out of time.."

"Fight fire with fire, we all shall die..."

"Two minutes to midnight, the hands that threaten doom..."

Postscript: If anyone taped the 2004 VH1 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony let me know. I need Prince performing 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' with Jeff Lynne, Tom Petty, and George Harrison's son Dhani. His guitar solo was fucking GREAT. I shit you not.


===
John and Umlaut have known each other over 20 years... Old Metal Bruthas... or so I always thought!!! Who knew that back in 1985, when John was a member of the Metallica road crew and Umlaut was a Metal "journalist" / geek, that we shared a poser secret involving Prince... FAWKIN' HILARIOUS!!

JOHN MARSHALL: I too must profess that at one time I had a (semi) secret admiration for Prince. I think he's a fantastic songwriter, a great performer and all around great musician. I've seen Purple Rain more than once. I don't remember when or how I got exposed to Prince, but there was a time when I didn't like him. We used to call him "Prance" just to make fun of him in a Heavy Metal sort of way. He had all those extravagant costumes, spiked high heels, and chicks dug him. Something changed, though, when I heard Purple Rain -- it's just a great album. I lost interest again after Purple Rain, but for a while I was WAY into it.

Anyway, in 1985 I was actually able to go to the First Avenue Club (where Purple Rain was filmed) in Minneapolis, when Metallica played there on the Ride The Lightning Tour. It was pretty cool, to walk through the club and recognize the balconies and the stage from the movie! (The dressing rooms were a different story-- these tiny little boxes were NOT the dressing rooms from the movie). It was a small, but significant "geek" moment for me......much like playing Hammersmith Odeon in London or Red Rocks in Denver.

Thought for the day: Remember when Prince was the weirdo and Michael Jackson was the genius?

UMLAUT: On the way back to the 21st Century, some pimply-faced Metalheads called John and I fags.

"This is what it sounds like when doves cry.."

"Die by my hand, I creep across the land..."

DRUNK TED: I'm sure you've heard all the stories about Prince being a prick in person though. Kevin Smith has a great one on his spoken word DVD.

At this Irish Pub I go to, there's this guy who does lights for bands. He was hired to go on tour with Prince. At the beginning of the tour, he was told under no uncertain terms that he was not to talk to Prince. At all. Well first day of work, he was walking down a small backstage corridor and Prince was coming the other way with his entourage. The lighting guy moved out of the way and said "Excuse me.". A few hours later, he was fired for "talking" to Prince!!!

Oh, may I be the thousandth person to call you a "fag". Ha ha!

JOHN MARSHALL: Yeah, I've heard about Prince's attitude problem. Being in the guitar amp business, I heard a story once that His Holiness had received a sweet, brand new purple leather (natch! to quote Umlaut) guitar amp.

After a short while, it came back thrashed all to Hell, with holes in the speaker grille that looked suspiciously like they had been made by a spiked high heel. I guess the amp had a problem with a tube (as tube amps sometimes do), and he let fly with the kung fu dance moves.

Needless to say, I don't think he uses that brand of guitar amps anymore.

Prince Who?

RICH LAMINATE: I remember Gary and Rick from Exodus telling me they had been to see Prince on the Purple Rain tour and said he was simply ridiculously talented. There must have been some purple stuff in the water in S.F..

I used to be pretty good friends with Price's security guy. We were telling funny tour stories one day when he advised me that Prince would not sleep in a hotel bed, so he had a truck that used to carry his bed / mattress and crew guys who would go to each hotel and set up Prince's sleeping goodies....

He also confirms Drunk Ted's story about talking to Prince. It does go even further: Prince did not like anyone looking at him. I, of course, asked the question about what one would do if stuck in an elevator with his Royal Majesty and the answer was very matter of fact. If you were in his employ, you would be obligated to turn and stare at the wall..... Whatever floats your boat....