Seasons In The Sun

It's been a weird year for Umlaut (both good and bad) and following the World Cup has been an excellent supplement to my life. F-U-N.

Italy v. France - Delores Park, San Francisco
(Pic by Umlaut)

"We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...."

The Beautiful Game... Sort Of

World Cup 2006

Scorpions vs. Poland

Redrum Card

Trench Foot

Europe vs. Europe

Good Beer vs. Good Wine

"Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me. I was the black sheep of the family.."


THANKS to Miatomic, Jayne, Missy, Mirna, Todd, Dema, Brad, Ginger, David, and Nesrin for adding to my F-U-N with their company and / or sharing. Also, THANKS to Skychick for tolerating my Futbol Fever.

Click HERE if you missed Miatomic's World Cup 2002 memories.

Here's to World Cup 2010... And it's only 2 years 'til Euro 2008 (Dude, Italy and France are in the same qualifying group!)... AND it's only around 40 days 'til The Premiership season starts.

FUTBOL!

Good Beer vs. Good Wine

The humbling sequel to World Cup 2006, Scorpions vs. Poland, Redrum Card, Trench Foot, and Europe vs. Europe.

Germany v. Italy - July 4th
This July 4th marked the United States of America's 230th Birthday. How did Umlaut celebrate such an important date in American History? DUH! By watching foreigners play a game that most Americans have no clue about, of course!

Umlaut met friends at the faux Irish pub The Phoenix in The Mission to watch the game. I was hoping for a German victory, which would make a Germany v. France World Cup Final one step closer to reality and allow me to pull out all the stops on my History Geek WW1 and WW2 references for this space. I was also expecting some decent food and a cold beer (or two).

I'd never been to The Phoenix before and I will sum the place up with 3 words: THE SERVICE SUCKED. I ordered food FOUR TIMES from 2 different people and my order never made it to the kitchen. I ordered a beer (ONE beer) SIX TIMES from 2 different people and my order never made it to the bar. It was astounding. For whatever reason, the place only had 1 bartender and 1 waitress working and the place was packed.

Going up to the bar for a drink was useless since the lone bartender was completely overwhelmed like the Marines on Wake Island. The barback was pressed into service taking orders and trying to serve customers, but he was like a clerk typist at Bastogne forced into combat due to extreme circumstances.

My beer FINALLY arrived during the 60th minute of the game and it felt like I was receiving a supply drop from a C-47 during Operation Market Garden. However, my food NEVER arrived, just like the reserve Panzer divisions never arrived to counterattack on D-Day. To paraphrase Winston Churchill: "Never have so few done so little for so many..."

As the game unfolded, I found myself supporting Germany more as a reaction to the drunk, loud, and obnoxious Australian guy sitting to our right who was cheering for Italy. I once read that during the fierce fighting on New Guinea, some desperate Japanese troops resorted to cannibalism when their food supplies ran out. Reportedly they said Australian troops tasted the best. I am NOT making that up. How do you say "chicken" in Japanese?

Alas, as you probably know, Germany lost the excellent match in heartbreaking fashion. To paraphrase the Scorpions: The Germans had a blackout, they really had a blackout.

That evening Miatomic hosted an eccellente impromptu BBQ to make up for our lack of sustenance at The Phoenix. As I drove home afterwards at around 9:30pm, the skies above certain S.F. neighborhoods were filled with the explosions and tracers from illegal fireworks, not unlike how the skies over London were filled with ack-ack fire during The Blitz.

When I arrived back at Casa de Umlaut, the local news was devoting WAY too much time to a local guy who competed in the annual July 4th Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, NY. Like the U.S. Soccer Team, the dude was supposed to bring glory to his homeland since the contest had been won by the same Japanese eater 5 years in a row.

Alas, the local guy lost to the perennial Japanese champ, but he did set a new American record by eating 52 hot dogs in 10 minutes... but he was still a loser. Americans like a winner not a wiener (cue that Bruce Springsteen song about being born here).

Man, this year the U.S. has been humiliated by foreigners in The World Cup and now the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Happy Birthday America.

In WW2, Italian fighter pilots were recognized by their Allied counterparts as brave opponents blessed with sound flying abilities, but hampered by aircraft that were both under-gunned and under-powered.

Ciao... but Allez la France!

Europe vs. Europe

The thought-provoking sequel to World Cup 2006, Scorpions vs. Poland, Redrum Card, and Trench Foot.

Since England (my team) was eliminated from World Cup 2006, I needed to put this week's semifinals into some kind of context. Of course, the only legitimate way to do this was to go through my record collection geographically:

France: Amelie soundtrack, Serge Gainsbourg, Edith Piaf, Django Reinhardt, Trust.




Germany: Accept, Die Haut, Einstürzende Neubauten, Ute Lemper, Rammstein, Scorpions, Señor Coconut, Kurt Weill.



Italy: Raw Power (Actually, I'm lying since I sold my Raw Power records years ago... but I didn't want to leave this space blank..)



Portugal: Sepultura (Yah, yah Sepultura are from Brazil, but Portugese IS the official language there.. so I think this is valid..).



Discuss amongst yourselves.

P.S. Allez les Bleus!

Trench Foot

The obvious sequel to World Cup 2006, Scorpions vs. Poland, , and Redrum Card!

England v. Portugal
England played the entire World Cup like it was fucking trench warfare in the Somme... Slow... Confused.. Ultimately pointless.

To quote All Quiet On The Western Front:

"We live in the trenches out there. We fight. We try not to be killed, but sometimes we are. That's all."

Redrum Card

The exciting sequel to Scorpions vs. Poland and World Cup 2006!

June 21st: Earlier this week, Umlaut was in NYC on business. While waiting for my homebound flight at JFK, I watched the Argentina vs. Netherlands match in the airport's sports bar. At least they had 19 plasma screens and Stella on tap.

An older couple were sitting at the end of the bar when a young guy sat next to them. The lad started talking to the couple about his recent travels in Europe, where he watched some of the World Cup games amidst the mania that's engulfed the rest of the world.

The kid was obviously a soccer fan and he did his best to explain the game to his elders... Even after the man said "I can barely tolerate hockey because there's no scoring..." Which, to me, only demonstrated America's general obsession with WINNING and not understanding the concept of something not involving a clear-cut, black & white WINNER and LOSER. Apply this to current events and discuss amongst yourselves.

Anyway, as the young guy continued in his attempt to educate the couple about the game, the man finally snapped and said "Soccer is the most popular sport in the world next to NASCAR."

It was the equivalent of the man bitch slapping this young wippersnapper and his Commie-like worldview. The soccer fan tried to be polite after that comment, but their conversation faded to silence at that point.

We're an American band... we come into your town.. we help you party down.

On another note: I was able to watch three World Cup games at 35,000 feet via DirectTV on my Jet Blue flights. Pretty fawkin' cool. Truth be told, the best part of my NYC trip was hanging out with non-work friends at a great pub in Tribeca (Souths on 273 Church St., NYC - Hi Micki & Simone - BRASIL!!). I was wearing a Black Rebel Motorcycle Club shirt and not long after we were seated the bartender put BRMC on the stereo. Nice. Good friends, good food, cold beer.

===
June 22nd: Miatomic and I spent the morning in the Kezar Pub to support the U.S. side as they went up against Ghana... The place was packed, and I couldn't help but hear a voice in my head say "Soccer is the most popular sport in the world next to NASCAR."

Kudos to the harried waitress who had to strong-arm her way through the crowd to take and deliver drink and food orders. Sitting next to us was a hardcore U.S. Fan, who I could imagine wearing a Darth Vader costume to Raider games. He was loud and outspoken but, to his credit, obviously a student of soccer.

Best Quote - U.S. Fan after being told that the ref, who had just charged the U.S. with a questionable yellow card, was German: "Maybe we should think about invading them!"

IMO Landon Donovon is to soccer what Winger was to Metal. He should be stripped of his U.S. Soccer uniform in disgrace and sentenced to 4 years of hard labor at a Walmart.

As the defeated home side filed out of the bar, U.S. Fan stood on his bar stool and sang 'God Bless America' while holding aloft his team scarf. No one else joined in his patriotism.. Dude, America needs a better fight song. Personally, I was already trying to decide whether to wear my Iron Maiden or my Motorhead shirt this weekend for the England v. Ecuador game.

Anyway, if you missed it the first time 'round, click HERE for the riveting prequel to all of this Beautiful Game madness.

Scorpions vs. Poland

The exciting sequel to World Cup 2006.

This story is 100% true. Umlaut and Miatomic were following the Germany vs. Poland game today and IM-ing each other during the ferociously furious final minutes.

90 minute:
umlaut: did we give up when the germans bombed pearl harbor?!
miatomic: no!
miatomic: c'mon germany!
miatomic: offisde!
miatomic: oops...offSIDE
miatomic: hit the bar!

91 minute:
umlaut: i'm gonna play the scorpions on my iTunes right now

91+ minute:
Goal by Oliver Neuville (GER).


umlaut: IT WORKED!!!
umlaut: ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!!!
miatomic: GOAL!
miatomic: !!!!!

GERMANY 1 - 0 POLAND

Pretty amazing... Deutschland, zhere's no Four-Four-Twwwo like zou!!

Of course, today's game took place in Dortmund, Germany.. Which Old Metalheads know was the site of a legendary Metal concert featuring the Scorpions back in 1983. Coincidence?? I think not.

Click HERE for past Umlaut fun with the Scorps.

For the record, Umlaut supports England and would love to see a Scorpions vs. Iron Maiden World Cup 2006 match.

World Cup 2006

World Cup 2006 kicks off this week in Germany!

For the record, Umlaut supports England.

"Off the pitch I was always an ordinary, mild-mannered bloke. But put me in a football shirt and it was tin hats and fixed bayonets. Death or glory."

Terry Butcher
England's 1990 Team Captain

Click HERE for a PDF of the soccer content from Umlaut #6 (Fall 1992). Actually, it's an M.D.C. Summer '92 European Tour diary, but the graphics are pretty 4-4-2.

Cue 'The Great Escape'.

The Beautiful Game... Sort Of.

United States vs. Japan
PacBell Park, San Francisco
February 10, 2006

Amazingly, this was the first time the U.S. National Soccer Team had played in San Francisco since February 1979 (a 4-1 loss to the SOVIET UNION!). I'm sure the tension in PacBell mirrored '79. The stadium was packed and felt like a powder keg of jingoistic animosity... Especially since I had to sit with a somewhat belligerent Filipino / Serbian contingent..... Despite Team U.S.A.'s 26-year absence from S.F., the crowd of over 37,000 seemed to favor the visiting side (Note: The people in blue are fans of Japan).

The Japanese starting lineup of Ghidorah, Rodan, Guiron, Hedorah (aka The Smog Monster), Megalon, Johnny Sokko (with his Flying Robot on the bench), Gamera, Ultraman, Gigan, Mothra, and Godzilla in goal was damn impressive.. However, I'm sure the recent death of Mr. Miyagi still weighs heavily on the team.

Japan seemed even more intimidating since the U.S. players were alot smaller in person than they look on television.

I half expected our boys to point at the opposing team in unison and scream all girly-like "Aiii!! GODZIRRA!" and run back to the locker room. BUT THEY DIDN'T! Usa, usa, usa (pronounced "yoo-sa" for you non-Engrish speakers)!

On another note, Umlaut thinks he knows why U.S. Soccer isn't more widely popular in this land.. It's because of the unbelievably LAME official team anthem!!

I'm afraid the song is NOT sung to the tune of Motley Crue's 'Girls, Girls, Girls'.. The "anthem" is the type of song a 5-year old AYSO player would merrily sing along to, but compared to England's anthem 'The Great Escape' it makes Americans look and sound like pussies. DAMMIT U.S. SOCCER!! At least adopt an All-American fight song like 'Clenched Fists, Black Eyes' by 7 Seconds:

"Clenched fists, black eyes.
We're aiming for a different goal,
Succeeding where the hippies failed.."

Stop with the cutesy pop crap and challenge the rest of the world to GET IN THE PIT!! Man, the Japanese Football Association (JFA) is way more Punk Rock than the U.S. Soccer Federation.

JFA Japan vs. JFA Skater

Speaking of music, it never ceases to amaze Umlaut how The Rock Godz look after their disciples. Out in the concourse during halftime, amidst the crowd of almost 40,000, I unexpectedly ran into Umlaut friend Ted and had a conversation about Boris. Lock 'N Loll!

After a bit of a slow start, the Americans took it to The Rising Sun and delivered a 3-2 victory. Usa, usa, usa (again, pronounced "yoo-sa" for you non-Engrish speakers)! The standout player for Team U.S.A. was Taylor Twellman who scored a goal and had 2 assists, but whose name probably has the same ring as the U.S. Team Anthem to international ears.

However, the U.S. may have won the battle, but Japan won the war. As the stadium emptied, a group of fanatical Japanese fans climbed atop the sacred Willie Mays statue in front of PacBell and gave America payback for raising the Stars & Stripes on Mount Surabachi back in '45.

"Goals, goals, goals.. for the U.S.A..."

Only 4 months until the 2006 World Cup! In the meantime, you should read Soccer In Sun And Shadow by Eduardo Galeano immediately.

For the record: Umlaut is a traitor and supports England.

===
ADDED 2/13/06:

Umlaut's Old Metal friend and former Matrix extra Brad sent the following from the Czech Republic:

Dear Umlaut,

I found your description of this exhibition soccer match to be quite one-sided. While you go to great lengths to mention all the scary monsters playing for Japan, you made little mention of which American heroes were playing. For example, did Steve Austin score with one of his trademark bionic free kicks? Did Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four or Spiderman get the start in goal for the U.S.? Did Rambo or Superman play? And last, but not least, did that spoiled, MLS pussy Landon Donovan make a token appearance? Best regards, and remember, if the President does it, that means it's not illegal.

Thanks for keeping me honest, my brutha. Wish I could be having pints with you in Prague on June 12th watching the U.S. vs. Czech World Cup match.

Umlaut must also apologize to Miatomic for biting her 7 Seconds reference in the above piece... We Asians can be like that: SNEAKY..... BUT we can also ROCK:

Takeshi of BORIS - The Loft, Tokyo - Feb. 4, 2006
(Pic by Lori Acid King)