Baby's Brain Old Man's Heart

It was a busy night in San Franfuckingcisco, with Fu Manchu at the Bottom Of The Hill and Weezer (who reside in Umlaut's "I could give 2 shits about" file) playing a secret free show at The Regency. Anyway, the serious Rockers had already stomped over to:

Alice Cooper / Jetboy
The Warfield, San Francisco
October 21, 2009

This was Alice's 1st Bay Area headlining appearance in 7 years; his last time in the area was 2 years ago supporting Heaven And Hell in Concord. Going into the night, I was kind of annoyed and shocked by the number of people whose only reaction was "How old is he??" when I told them I was seeing Alice Cooper. As Timo says, he's ROCK LEGEND Alice Cooper and he should be on everyone's DON'T MISS List. It's not often you can see one of the original Rock Godz, especially one who still has his integrity and talent intact... and you must take advantage of that.

Jetboy were the perfect opener for this show, given their long-running history as a San Francisco band dating back to the 80's. Their solid brand of retro Punk / Glam went over well and, given it was a hometown show, a good percentage of the crowd knew the songs... especially the drunk guy behind us... who shouted slurry approvals at the band before being ejected by security after their set. After the drunk guy was escorted out, a curtain was raised in front of the stage... thus preparing us for the night of Rock Theater (say with an English accent) that was soon to begin:


Nobody knows how to start a show better than Alice Cooper... After the houselights dimmed and the intro tape played, the curtain dropped to reveal Alice and his band on a circus-like stage and they immediately launched into 'School's Out' > 'Department Of Youth' > 'I'm Eighteen'.. WOW. Age doesn't make a difference when it comes to Alice... His shows aren't acts of physical stamina like Iggy Pop, but instead are about theatrical charisma. When you watch Alice you realize what a fucking poser Marilyn Manson and most of the other "shock rockers" are compared to him; he's as much an old school stage actor as he is a Lock 'N Loll front man onstage... and no matter how many times Umlaut sees him it never gets boring... Nobody pulls off this type of Rock showmanship like Alice Cooper and appropriately he's surrounded himself with musicians who complement him perfectly, especially guitarists Damon Johnson and Keri Kelli who both play with that cocky 1970's Arena Rock attitude that's essential to Alice's songs.

This was Rock Theater (say with an English accent) at its best with this show billed and structured as the Theater Of Death. Right off the bat, Alice "murdered" one of his roadies by impaling him on a mic stand, like, 2 or 3 songs into the set! That roadie should call HR and file a complaint... I love how un-PC Alice's performances are.. such as when he sang 'Welcome To My Nightmare' and chased down a zombie bride towards the end of the song... and then sang 'Cold Ethyl' to her corpse. He also "abused" a nurse and then sang 'Only Women Bleed' as she lay at his feet after he had stripped off her uniform and donned her wig and nurse's hat. However, despite the debauchery, there were consequences for Alice, just like in any good morality play. As in proper theater, everything that happened onstage was an act that led into another act and eventually after each "crime" Alice was punished... Punishment was administered by lethal injection:

(Pic by South Bay Bret)

Punishment was administered by guillotine:

(Pic by South Bay Bret)

Punishment also came in the form of being impaled on spikes in a makeshift iron maiden... and punishment was administered by hanging, with the aforementioned abused nurse kicking the bucket out from under Alice's feet:

(Pic by South Bay Bret)

In Alice's world there is darkness and evil, but there's also justice and revenge for his victims. The performance was bookended by the liberating 'School's Out', which both opened the show and also served as the encore. Too high brow? Maybe... Kick ass Lock 'N Loll? COMPLETELY.

The aspect of Alice Cooper that also sets him apart from other "shock rockers" is he has amazing songs! Man, so many great songs... and I dare you to name another Classic Rock song that is as fun to sing along to as 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'.. If I had to choose, 'Ballad Of Dwight Fry' was my favorite of the set (which Alice still sings while bound in a straight jacket), but it's been one of my fave songs since, like, forever so it's kind of a no brainer anyway. Also, what other person Alice's age is singing songs about necrophilia?! I'm just saying...

Flashback: 'Cold Ethyl' educated me about necrophilia when I was around 14-years old.. My best friend at the time (John Lutkenhouse) and I would go into his older brother's room after school (his brother was off serving in the Navy) and we'd listen to his brother's Alice Cooper albums (and also his KISS albums, especially Alive!) over and over. A defining time in Umlaut's worldview... and no one has written a better line than "I've got a baby's brain and a old man's heart"... because I'm perpetually 18... and I like it.

Motörhead shirts = 4 or 5 (including mine). Grown men wearing Alice-style eye makeup: I lost count at 5 or 6. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. This was easily one of the gigs of the year for me... and after 90 minutes and 27 songs I set the Prius on course for:

Fu Manchu
Bottom Of The Hill, San Francisco
October 21, 2009

Straight from Alice Cooper I jetted across town and walked into the Bottom Of The Hill about 3 or 4 songs into Fu Manchu's set. According to the Umlaut Archives I've seen the band close to 20 times over the past 13 years (!) and whenever I see them it feels like I'm slipping on an old pair of Vans... a comfortable pair of no-nonsense shoes that then to proceed to kick me in the head.. in a good way of course.

After getting a beer I got up to the front and spent the next hour thinking about things as Fu Manchu entertained. It's always interesting pulling a doubleheader gig night, since the vibe of the shows are usually different. While Alice Cooper had the atmosphere of an event, the feeling at the Bottom Of The Hill was one of deja vu for me; been here, done this before... which wasn't a bad thing of course... but at least at The Warfield I didn't have drunk hipster kidz bumping into me and almost spilling my beer.

I was shocked when I remembered that it had been a year and a half since the last time I saw a show at B.O.T.H... which is weird since it used to be THE venue for SO MANY Umlaut shows dating back to 1994. Time flies, man... time flies. Remember when Marilyn Manson played there on his first tour? Or when the Melvins played 2 nights there with Adam of Tool as a guest band member? Me too.

Anyway, I was hearing Fu Manchu's new songs for the first time since their new CD just came out this week... and I have to admit I wasn't really feeling them... but old songs like 'Evil Eye' and 'Mongoose' still remain solid to me... but 'Superbird' was easily my favorite of the set.. "SOLID!" At this point, Fu Manchu are the grizzled veterans who continue to slog it out in the Rock Trenches despite obstacles thrown up in their path, such as a revolving door of record labels and the fickle nature of Music fans... It's cool to see that they're sticking to their guns... and, for the record, I had absolutely no problem with 'Mongoose' being used in a Toyota commercial last year.


Once the set ended I figuratively slipped that old pair of Vans off and I was back here in the 21st Century. Motörhead shirts = 2 (including mine). On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Let the record show that this was Umlaut's 4th doubleheader gig night of the year; they're not that hard to pull off if you know what you're doing... and all in all this had been a damn good one.

3 Days of The Geek

Last week I attended 3 events that represented the Holy Trinity of what Umlaut is about: Rock Geek > History Geek > Geek. Coincidentally, the 3rd event fell on the 3rd day of the month, which was also the day that the first full lunar eclipse in 3 years was occurring.... 3-3-3... and if you multiply that by 2.... Oh Lord, yeah!

Fu Manchu / Valient Thorr
Slim's, S.F.
February 28, 2007

I realized halfway into their set that I've been seeing Fu Manchu live for over a decade. The mongoose flies on by, man... The Fu still delivers onstage and I dare anyone not to boogie when they slam into 'King Of The Road'.

Backing up for a sec: Valient Thorr's brand of Rock N' Roll was fine for awhile; I kept thinking about Raging Slab during their set. However, their sorta homeless guy singer got all hippie and jumped into the crowd and told everyone to sit on the floor around him as a display of solidarity.... I understood it to be a display of solidarity against The War and for Rock N' Roll... Uhh, ookaay. I kept standing.. Fuck that Hippie Shit.

Now back to Fu: The band went through a rough patch since their last tour, so it's very cool they're back in the saddle again with a new record label, a great new album, and a world tour. The Rock Godz smile.

Something I've noticed at the last couple of Fu shows is there have been a few dudes (2-3 at a time) who sing along to every song.. However, most of the time they're not singing at the stage, but at each other. Must be some male bonding thing that I haven't been privy too... sorta like playing grab ass in the locker room shower or something; it's not gay, only latently homoerotic. "So put the keys in my hand.. IN MY HAND.."

A Rock band will not save the world, but it can effectively take your mind off the world for 75 minutes or so. For the record, the new songs stood up to the live test and my fave Fu song was played ('Squash That Fly'). For the geeks: The final song of the night was the Fu classic 'Superbird'... which was, like, SOLID.

I forgot to do a merch tally... my bad. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. By my count, this was my 42nd visit to Slim's since 1988 (the year it opened).

Useless Trivia in My Head: For several years, Fu Manchu's tour manager was the infamous Richard Cole.

48 hours later it was:

Ken Burns’ THE WAR, Part One
Letterman Digital Arts Center, S.F.
March 2, 2007

Miatomic and Umlaut have a long history of shared geek moments, but this one might have been the most profound: (1) Ken Burns was screening the first 2 hours of his new documentary on World War 2 and (2) The event was held in the theater at the new Lucasfilm facility, which for both of us was like visiting the new house of an ex-luvah, although that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

The idea of Ken Burns doing for WW2 what he did for Jazz and Beisbol sent my geek meter into the red. Now, before you accuse me of being a War Monger or some other simplistic PC archetype, I will cut you off at the knees and knee you in the face by stating that I am a History Geek. History fascinates me and I was interested in WW2 long before I was a Music Geek. That period in history is a particularly sobering example of how fucked up humans can be to one another... plus some really cool airplanes and tanks were developed to carry out that carnage. Dude, how cool was the Spitfire?! Damn straight.

For the newbies: World War 2 geeks are as self-absorbed and opinionated as the worst Star Wars geeks ("That general shoulda done this".... "That airplane was better than that airplane"... "Their anti-tank weaponry was superior to our's", etc. etc..). Judging from the screening we saw, Burns has brilliantly neutered the geek factor from his WW2 project by not having "experts" pontificating onscreen about the war's strategy, politics, economics, etc.. Brilliant!

His film focuses on the stories of regular people (soldiers and civilians) and their personal experiences in combat and on the homefront. Listening to an old man in the twilight of his life tell his experiences during the horrors of the Bataan Death March as a 17-year old prisoner of war is fucking mind numbing. He's lived with the memories of those horrors for more than 60 years. What were you doing at 17-years old?? Listening to Fugazi with a straight edge "x" on your hand thinking you were changing the world? Fuck that Hippie Shit.

The Q&A session with Burns will rank as one of the intellectual highlights of my year. I've been watching the man's documentaries for years and he came across as articulate, passionate, and humble as I imagined he would be. I also enjoyed how he cut off the questions of the WW2 fanboys when they started to get too self-absorbed.. It was almost like they were testing Burns on his knowledge of "their" subject... "Mr. Burns.. I consider myself a student of World War 2... How would you rank the importance of the ENIGMA Machine to the Allied cause..." blah blah blah.. I'd pay to see an Indian knife fight featuring WW2 Geeks vs. Star Wars Geeks.

I'm counting the days until PBS airs the complete 7-part series in September (the DVD release will follow in December). No matter what your politics, watching these stories of sacrifice and horror during the most violent time of modern history will affect you.

Useless Trivia in My Head: GI's said the muzzle report of the German MG42 machine gun sounded like a sheet being ripped in half.

24 hours later it was:

Wondercon
Moscone Convention Center, S.F.
March 3, 2007

My brain hurt after only 25 minutes... There was way too much nerd energy and not enough shielding on my hull to prevent me from getting contaminated; I had blood draining deja vu of Comicon. In my youth, seeing overweight guys dressed as Boba Fett might have made me laugh in fanboy camaraderie; now it gives me the urge to practice random violence against costumed fanboys.

The obligatory Star Wars "celebrities" were present to reap the cash rewards from nerd wallets. This Con featured Ray Park, Peter Mayhew, and Daniel Logan... and if you can name their SW characters I think I might have to slap you about the neck and face. WAKE UP!

Also, why the fuck can't someone do some cool Cthulhu merchandise??! All of the Cthulhu stuff at these conventions are cutesy and cartoonish; it's so fucking annoying! Cthulhu is TERRIFYING, not CUDDLY! If I see one more Cthulhu plush doll I'm gonna go Yog-Sothoth on someone. Really.

There wasn't nearly enough Battlestar Galactica content at this Con. However, if you're a Lost fan, Umlaut friend David came up with the idea of forming B.A.L.L.S. (Bay Area Lost Lovers Society). I would start watching that lame show again just to join the club.

Geek Moment: While walking down Aisle 700 I noticed a man standing at a booth looking at vintage comics... He was wearing rumpled black jeans, a rumpled black button down shirt, scuffed up shoes, and a rumpled black hat... "16 shells from a thirty-ought six will whittle you into kindling..."

It was fucking Tom Waits!

I made a u-turn to make sure it was him. It was... but I couldn't pull the trigger and go up to him. I had a geek freeze and didn't know what to do for a second so I did the next best thing to bothering one of my musical heroes: I called Ted and told him that Waits was in Dah House.

A vintage Star Trek Hair Salon Playset (Sulu optional)

Some other favorite moments:

• Seeing the guy who played the "crippled" Captain Pike in the STOS (Star Trek: Original Series) episode "The Menagerie". A sign at his booth proudly introduced him as "Sean Kinney - Crippled Captain Pike".
  

• Checking out some cool World War 2 tank models and overhearing the dealer say how he gets shit from some people for doing "historically inaccurate" dioramas featuring Nazi soldiers as zombies.

• I also came across this author at one of the booths:
  

WTF!?? Skychick NEVER told me she was a "New York Times Bestselling" author! It's like I don't even know her.... WTF..

It was a fun afternoon but, man, I am so not into alot of this nerd stuff anymore. I can be around it for awhile, but then all of the inert fanboy energy starts to drain my soul. I've always said "Hope I die before I get old.." but maybe I am when it comes to pop culture detritus.

Useless Trivia in My Head: The next day I was at the pet store and a guy was wearing a Star Wars logo ringer tee and had the Mandalorian insignia tattooed on his forearm. It frightens me that I can still easily recognize that kind of minutiae, even while buying dog food.

Help.

Amigos de Rock

Fu Manchu / Early Man / Acid King - Slim's, S.F. - Nov. 10, 2005

It was a very rough week for Casa de Umlaut but, as usual, when such times hit Umlaut can depend on The Rock Godz to look after him. With Skychick safely at home once again, Umlaut was able to venture out and this gathering was a much needed reality check. Life is indeed good and the Amigos de Rock are a huge part of it. So, just a quick shout out to Lori, Joey, Johnny, Timo, Dave, Robin, Rafa, Kirk, and Al 'cause it was good seeing y'all.

Two thirds of Acid King are like family to Umlaut and a month in Europe had done wonders for them...All them fancy hotels and fine eatin' I guess. Fuck me, but the set-closing version of War Of The Mind was like an epiphany of volume.

Dear Early Man: Kids, if you're gonna be an Old Metal band you MUST do your fucking homework!! That rhythm section is NOT Old Metal. That's all I will say.

It's trippy that I've been seeing Fu Manchu gigs for 9 years. I say it every time, but they still lay it down like few other bands these days. I'm still a sucker for their fuzzy volume groove machine.

Geek Moment: I was thinking to myself "It would be cool if Fu played Squash That Fly".. and goddam if they didn't launch into it seconds later (Note: Umlaut, like, totally loves that song because its filled with references to the movie Valley Girl... one of Umlaut's favorite movies. That Techno Rock you listen to is gutless..).

The next best thing was Fu playing Superbird during the encore for a guy in the front row who was celebrating his birthday. "Solid!"

Beer count = 2. If you bought one of every Fu Manchu merch item you would have spent $187. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I can't believe Timo finally ditched the truck for a car.

Coming Up: Dema's Birthday Bash with Mudhoney (!) and Umlaut returns to London.

Gettin' Jiggy With It

Most of you probably aren't aware of the controversy surrounding this year's OzzFest (which kicks off this week). At first I thought it was one of those Internet jokes, but it turns out that Jada Pinkett Smith (aka wife of Will "The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air" Smith) and her "Metal" band Wicked Wisdom really are opening the OzzFest's 2nd Stage.

In early reports, Pinkett Smith said that her husband might join her band on the OzzFest stage and that "He's really become a real metalhead lately. He wanted to get in the pit. Now he's all excited and wants to be down with it."



"Wants to be down with it"?? Me thinks The Matrix went to Jada's head. We can only hope that Nu Metal versions of "Gettin' Jiggy With It" or "Parents Just Don't Understand" aren't in the works.

Reportedly, Wicked Wisdom's limited live experience includes a stint opening for Britney Spears' 2004 European Tour (Err.. note to self.. this is NOT the way to gain Metal Cred..). Sharon Osbourne responded to the Metal community's criticism by saying in an interview "I totally respect that the band wants to pay their dues playing the second stage on Ozzfest."

Sharon's definition of "paying their dues" sure is different than my vision of that term. A "friend of a friend" is on the OzzFest crew and reports that Wicked Wisdom are bringing their own chef, 3 tour buses, and 10 security guards. All for a 20 minute set at 9:30am in the morning.

As Tour Manager Doug put it "At least she can rest assured that 11 people will be watching her show."

I always thought "paying your dues" involved 5-6 people crammed into an unreliable van for 6,000 miles, meals at 7-11, head lice, having your equipment stolen while parked overnight at a Motel 6, and playing shithole dives in bumfuck nowhere. At least that's what Get In The Van told us... but of course Rollins is a mainstream media personality now so maybe he made it all up.

On that note:

Corrosion Of Conformity / Fu Manchu / Alabama Thunderpussy - Slim's, S.F. - July 10, 2005

I've lost count of how many times I've seen Fu Manchu.. but it's well into double digits. Still my favorite RAWK band and I was happy to say I was only there to see them. It seems like Umlaut and Lori Acid King are the only ones who fly the Fu Flag these days. I have no idea what the rest of you are doing now. It's like I don't even know you anymore! Fu still lays it down like few other bands so it's your loss, man. They also play songs that are shouted out from the crowd and I challenge you to name another band who still does that.

Watching some of the shaved head angry boys in the crowd I could tell they didn't like Fu 'cause you can't really beat up or date rape someone to their music.. However I did notice one shaved head angry boy start to nod his head to Fu after about 3 songs... Now all he's gotta do is grow his hair out and he'll be on the road to recovery.



We left before C.O.C... If you've seen C.O.C. at least once since 1996 that's about all you need IMO. Plus, I wasn't in the mood to get in touch with my inner shaved head angry boy. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. A surgically precise night: Walked into Slim's at around 9:15pm.. Walked back into the house at around 11:00pm. Ate a bowl of cereal, went to bed.

"King of the road says you move too slow..."