Defenders Of The Faith

Judas Priest / Steel Panther
City National Civic, San Jose, California
November 16, 2014 

Although the Silicon Valley is the land of my birth, I'm always surprised what a ghost town downtown San Jose becomes after 6:00pm on a school night.  However, this was a nice mini-road trip down with 3 good buddies but it was weird to see a show in this building again.  I hadn't set foot inside the Civic since the 80's when the likes of April Wine, Dio, and Iron Maiden played there.  Anyway, if only all shows were this easy:

 Fonts

Steel Panther are awful... I get it.. They're supposed to be funny but I'm not laughing.  All I will say further is that I couldn't understand why they were on this tour...until my friend on the Priest crew informed me that 1 or 2 of the members were in Fight with Rob Halford.  Nepotism uber alles I guess.  Perhaps the worst thing about them being on the bill was the 3 or 4 jock types who came to the show dressed in "Hair Metal" costumes complete with wigs and spandex.  One of them didn't take kindly when I said "Halloween is over.." as they walked past us.  So lame... During Steel Panther's set I wandered into catering... where it was empty.. but it was interesting that probiotics are on the 2014 Priest backstage rider.

  
Delivering the goods?

I suppose Priest played as solid of a set and song mix as you should expect here in the 21st Century.  The current tour not only features the new album but also celebrates the Defenders Of The Faith album... but as they started my least favorite song of their entire catalog ('Turbo Lover') I went to get a beer and discovered that San Jose beer sales were already cut off... and it was barely halfway through their set!  WTF San Jose...  No beer.. No KK Downing at stage right.. but at least 'Beyond The Realms of Death' came a couple of songs later... and it was a really great version.  That song and 'Devil's Child' reminded me how much Priest meant to me in my Salad Days a million years ago in a suburban bedroom just down the freeway from this venue.

[Photo courtesy of Photo Ray]

I'm not going to nitpick about Priest and this was the 2nd time I've seen the current lineup.  Tonight was a good show and I enjoyed it.  Halford was more animated and sounded better onstage than he has on the past couple of tours.  I will also admit that Richie Faulkner is a really good guitarist and holds his part of Priest 2014 down admirably... but he's not KK.. and the fact that Priest still plays KK's signature song 'Victim Of Changes' with his replacement bothers me... but I said I'm not going to nitpick about Priest.  I had beers.  I had fun.  Priest played songs I like.

 Living After Midnight from stage right..

If you bought one of every Priest merch item you would have paid around $400 I think.  On the way back to the car, some pimply-face kids called us fags.  As mixed as my feelings are about seeing Priest 2014 I caught myself from being too jaded.  I reminded myself that I must pay respects and see my old heroes.  They will not be around forever, man... and they're still better than 95% of the newer crap Metal bands out there today.  O.K.. Old Man rant over.

"Feast your eyes on a whole lot of sin..."

Victim Of Changes

Judas Priest
Sleep Train Pavilion, Concord, CA
October 27, 2011


When it was announced earlier this year that K.K. Downing had left Judas Priest on the eve of their "Farewell" Tour I decided there was no way I wanted to see them again. K.K. and Glenn Tipton have been the most enduring axe duo in Metal; for me and most of you reading this we've never known a time when that guitar team was not blazing the planet. Now that team is no more. I decided there was no fucking way I was going to this show.

Then days before the show I was put on a guest list via work... What's a good Priest song to symbolize me being a hypocrite?

Unbelievably horrible traffic out to Concord as usual but zero drama at Will Call = A trade off. Calling a band Thin Lizzy without Phil Lynott is a complete abomination and I want no part of it; but we arrived late and completely missed their set anyway. I can't stand Black Label Society; evidently Zakk Wylde wore an Indian head dress onstage this time. I thought he was from New Jersey?? I'm so glad he's not "part" Chinese so he doesn't wear a coolie hat onstage. Thankfully my mates and I spent most of their set eating some dubious venue food and having a beer. Then I had some work related responsibilities to take care of so I ducked backstage, but it was all good. Just another day at the office...
I reemerged into the Real World from the magical world of Backstage mere minutes before Priest were due to take the stage. After being directed around a couple of times by ushers we found ourselves in 4th row seats, dead center. To be honest, the seats made up for K.K. not being in the building; this was my 7th time seeing Priest and I've never been that close to the stage. Sorry K.K... but I can be fickle and shallow like that. "I'm made of Metal.. My circuits gleam.."

The focus on this "Farewell" Tour is that Priest are playing at least one song off of every studio album. A VERY cool idea... if only they'd done this when K.K. was in the band! Anyway we were only in our seats for a couple of minutes, beers in hand, before the houselights went down... the intro tape started... the curtain covering the stage fell... and Priest were right in front of us as 'Rapid Fire' announced the start of the set. It was fucking awesome... until I glanced to the left side of the stage and saw Fake K.K... Buzz kill.. However, I quickly got into the mindset that I was going to have a good time instead of obsessing on K.K.'s absence... and thankfully Priest made it easy by going from 'Rapid Fire' into 'Metal Gods' into 'Heading Out To The Highway'. I sipped on my beer and sang along like the aging Metalhead that I am... and it was good.

Photo by Umlaut iPhone

The high point of the 21-song set for Umlaut was the one-two nostalgic punch of 'Starbreaker' (HOLY SHIT.. They played 'Starbreaker'!) that went into 'Victim Of Changes'. The latter is probably my favorite Priest song and watching the middle solo without K.K. playing it felt wrong even with lasers lighting up the stage... but I still sang along to it. For whatever reason, Slayer and Judas Priest are the only bands that cause me to sing along when I see them live. I have no idea why. Discuss amongst yourselves. However, watching dozens of dudes singing along with Halford to 'Turbo Lover' made me think of a 70's San Francisco bath house... not that there's anything wrong with that.

Because I like to nitpick, I was bummed that the Rocka Rolla track performed was 'Never Satisfied' which Halford had performed on his solo tour last year. However, I tried to stay focused on having fun instead of being a jaded old fart... and the return of 'Beyond The Realms Of Death' to the setlist had me singing along again.. "He'd found a place in his mind and slammed the door..." still gets me every time after all these years, man.

Although I hate to admit it, this was the most F-U-N show of the year! Probably due to the beers, but I made the mental leap and simply got caught up in the songs and tried to ignore Fake K.K. onstage as much as possible. Granted, Fake K.K. did a good job... but it just wasn't the same... but I had F-U-N despite myself. I genuinely felt like I was that 16-year old Judas Priest fan again. "Breaking the what?!"

Photo by Sensory Abuse iPhone

Although I should have, I didn't do a merch audit, but Priest did have the best merch IMO. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Going into the show I ignored any spoiler posts online about the setlist... but I ran into Gary Holt in the concourse before the show and he blew it for me when he rattled off some of the songs Priest were going to play (Exodus had just supported Priest in Poland in August..). Thanks, Gary.

Click HERE to see Photo Ray's shots from the night!

This Week In Metal Geek

Long story short, Umlaut was given this Metal artifact today:

It's the program from Judas Priest's 1980 British Steel Tour... 16-pages of standard tour program BUT the thing that sets it apart is the POP-UP centerfold of the band! When was the last time POP-UP was Metal!? Bring it back I say! Anyway, click HERE to download a PDF of this piece of Metal history. For the record, Umlaut is passing this Metal artifact on to Timo, who is the biggest Judas Priest fan I know... and who saw this Priest show in 1979:

(From the Timo Archives)

"Kiss of Judas... spider-like.."

A Magical Place

Judas Priest / Whitesnake
California Mid-State Fair, Paso Robles, CA
July 29, 2009

For the 2nd time this year, Umlaut ventured to a rural country fair to see a concert! With 170 miles (one way) between S.F. and Paso Robles, this show was the quintessential opportunity for a good 'ol fashioned Metal Road Trip... and since there was a work angle for me as well it was a no-brainer. Timo came through by borrowing his dad's SWEET armored personnel carrier to transport The Road Trip Crew (Timo, Photo Ray, Jerry, and Umlaut) to the White Trash belly of California. Every once in awhile you experience something that changes your life, and that's exactly what happened to all of us because of our visit to the California Mid-State Fair. It was magical, dude!

It's hard to put into words what a surreal experience arriving in Paso Robles was for The Road Trip Crew, with people who live near The Fairground's entrance charging $10 to park on their front lawns while their kids sold lemonade on the driveway. After parking the armored personnel carrier on someone's lawn, we approached the front gate and a grandmother offered to sell us discount fair tickets for $2 off the normal admission price ($6 instead of the normal $8... score!)... So, we bought scalped fair tickets from a Paso Robles grandmother and the tone was set for what would be an incredibly awesome evening in the belly of California!

Upon entering The Fairground the sights, the attractions, the aesthetic, and the people was almost overwhelming; it was like we'd landed on another planet! I felt like we'd taken a time machine back to the 1980's and I was in complete sensory overload for a good 45 minutes. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here's 2,000 words on the Mid-State Fair's earthy charms:

See The "5x World Champion" Giant Pig For $1!

Retro Low-Fi Concert Art!

I had a hard time focusing on things while walking around the fair's concourse because there was so much to take in... from the deep fried Snickers booth... to the barbeque grill / smoker that was literally as big as my Prius ("Big Bubba's Bad BBQ")... to the BB gun shooting gallery ("Hee Haw's Shootin' Guns")... to dozens of other things.. to the mindblowing people watching opportunities. Sensory... over.... load.

Best Quote: "If Led Zeppelin were still together they'd be playing here.." - One local to another as Zeppelin blasted from a beer concession.

Thanks to the Rock Godz we had brilliant 10th row seats and it's a bit of an understatement to say that the concert site was... uhh... interesting. The most bizarrely charming aspect was that the stage was set up in dirt field / outdoor rodeo arena. I imagined myself being at one of those Metal Festivals in Europe in the 80's that I'd read about as a kid when it would be raining and the crowd was knee deep in mud and piss and puke and Metal... but thankfully Paso Robles was comfortably warm on this Summer evening. However, adding to the site's... uhh... uniqueness was a cattle pen next to the bleachers that was less than 100 yards from the stage:

The stage as seen from next to the Cattle Pen (to the right)...

... the Cattle Pen.

Just prior to Whitesnake taking the stage, an MC introduced two young girls to the stage who... SANG THE NATIONAL ANTHEM?! WTF!?

(Vid by Umlaut)

I can safely say pretty much the last thing I expected to see on this day was 2 girls singing 'The Star Spangled Banner' in front of Whitesnake's backline... and, for the record, I think they should have also sang 'God Save The Queen' since both of the bands performing are British in origin; it was kind of a dis.. I'm just saying.

I'd never seen Whitesnake before... and I actually hated them during the Hair Metal 80's because I was all about Slayer, Metallica, etc.. but in recent years I must admit that if their hits come on the radio I generally don't turn them off. They hit the stage with familiar FM Radio tunes like 'Love Ain't No Stranger' and Coverdale sounded surprisingly good and his backing band (no vintage members are left..) were equally good from a solid FM Radio standpoint. I tried to count how many times Coverdale did his signature stage move (raise the mic stand upside down > mic at cock level > stroke the stand once > let the stand fall back down > sing)... but I lost count at around 6x. It's a good, solid bullshit stage move and it's probably gotten him more tail than we can even imagine. "Slide it in.. right to the top.. slide it in.. I ain't never gonna stop..."

The Signature Move in Paso Robles
(Pic by Photo Ray)

I have to admit that seeing Whitesnake at a country fair worked for me, but I'm sure the country fair beer buzz I had going influenced me... no doubt. Towards the end of the set Coverdale blew his voice out and he sounded terrible.. At that point he needed Tawny Kitaen on the hood of a Jaguar ASAP to distract the crowd. However, when they launched into 'Still Of The Night' I knew the MILFs of Paso Robles would be going home happy... waiting for the night to c-c-c-c-come.

Anyway, after the "fun" of Whitesnake it was time to get serious with Judas Priest; no more mic stand posing! According to the Umlaut Archives this was the 5th time I've seen Priest dating back to 1981. On this tour, Priest decided to jump on the bandwagon like so many other veteran bands these days and play their legendary British Steel album in its entirety! Now, while Unleashed In The East has alway been my favorite Priest album, even I had to admit seeing Priest play their classic 1980 material had my head spinning, especially since it meant they would not be playing crap like 'Turbo Lover'.

It was weird seeing Priest hit the stage with little fanfare as they blasted into 'Rapid Fire', but when they then slammed into 'Metal Gods' my Inner Teenage Metalhead awoke in all its Hulk-like glory.. METAL!! I was hoping Halford would acknowledge nearby Soledad State Prison with a dedication before 'Breaking The Law' that might have gone something like this:

"This one's for anyone who's dropped the soap at Soledad!!
It's called Breaking the what?!
Breaking the what!?
Breaking... The Law!!!"

But, alas, he didn't.

Long story short: British Steel... in its entirety... WOW. Halford sounded better than he has on recent tours and it still amazes me how great K.K. Downing and Glenn Tipton still look and play. They're still the ultimate Metal Guitar Duo, dude... and hearing 'Living After Midnight' never gets old for me... and having 'The Rage' in the setlist for the first time ever was pretty mindblowing.. but the highlight for me was 'Steeler'! "Kiss of Judas... spider like.."

After the British Steel portion of the set, Priest continued with a set that included the title song off their last album (Nostradamus) and greatest hits that included the likes of 'The Ripper' (!), 'Diamonds & Rust' (!!... performed electric the way it should be and not acoustic as they've done on recent tours... Thank Dog!), and 'Victim Of Changes'... Man, I still get chills down my spine watching K.K. go into his solo spot during 'Victim'; it's cool to still have that connection with my Inner Teenage Metalhead over stuff like that.. We've been best friends for so long.


THANKS to Old Metal Tim for the After Show passes, but instead of rubbing elbows with Rock Stars we got caught back up in the magical wonder that is the Mid-State Fair again. We followed the crowd back into The Fairground, which was open for another 90 minutes and the rides were all fully lit up in the night sky and the energy and fun in the air was thick enough to cut with a knife... and it was a Wednesday School Night! At that point The Road Trip Crew suddenly became hungry and we descended upon various food (and beer) kiosks for one last round of Mid-State Fair hospitality. So, while Old Metal Tim was witnessing Ron Jeremy chat with Glenn Tipton backstage (Ron Jeremy in Paso Robles!?), I was meeting *real* Paso Robles people like this guy:

(Pic by Umlaut)

Is that magnificent or what!? Metal! Fuck that celebrity shit! This guy was *real*, man... REAL!! To top it off, Timo and Photo Ray both won carnival coke mirrors from carnies by throwing darts at balloons. To quote Photo Ray: "What happens in Paso Robles stays in Paso Robles!" REAL!

Big City Hipsters will make fun of a place like Paso Robles and an event like the Mid-State Fair, but both completely rule. Big City Hipsters can go fuck off and die! The people in Paso Robles were without self-consciousness and wearing whatever they wanted, whether it was 15 years out of date or not, and everyone was having a good time... and having FUN is what life should be about. At one point I was walking on the concourse and a guy walking in the other direction leaned over as he passed me and said in a polite voice "Metaaaliica..." in response to my vintage 1994 Tour shirt. He was so polite about it... REAL!

The Road Trip Crew made a pact to make the trek to see at least one band in Paso Robles every Summer moving forward. I wish we'd known about the Mid-State Fair's charms sooner, goddammit! We also came to the conclusion that the area must also be where Free Range Strippers are raised; there must be something in the water.

Number of Iron Maiden shirts = 25 (at least!). I was so caught up in everything I looked at the merch but didn't do an audit, but it's nice to see that Priest has a merch company who does quality work. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Due to the 170 mile or so return trip, I didn't roll back into Casa de Umlaut until 3:12AM... but the previous 12+ hours was something I will never forget. I want to move to the Mid-State Fair and live there forever.. It's a magical place:

(Vid by Umlaut)

Click HERE for Umlaut's photo memories from Paso Robles..

Grinder

The exciting sequel to Don't Ask, Don't Tell!

There were so many clues about Rob Halford's sexuality back in The Day... but Umlaut was too young and naive to understand them... and I was too naive to understand the double entendre of an ad like this:


The teenage Umlaut circa 1980 would have said: "An album is 12 inches in diameter... and YES I can take it... 'cause I'm a METALHEAD!! Disco SUCKS!" "Grinder.. looking for meat... Grinder.. wants you to eat..."

Metal Masters

The Metal Masters Tour Featuring:
Judas Priest / Heaven And Hell / Motörhead / Testament
Shoreline Amphitheatre, Mt. View, CA
August 31, 2008

THE concert lineup of the year, and if you weren't there you're kinda, like, a poser. When I was a teenage Metalhead in the early-80's, this was the type of bill I could only read about happening in a muddy field somewhere in Europe.. A show like this:

Port Vale Football Stadium, England
August 1, 1981

Shows like this never happened in America then because the U.S. was not Metal. Trivia: Ironically, Ozzy replaced the Dio-fronted Black Sabbath at Port Vale.

Fast forward to the 21st Century: Shoreline was the final stop of the 16-date Metal Masters North American Tour.. After picking up my pass at Will Call, who should I run into but The Legend that is Steve Von Till of Neurosis!! Since he now lives out of the area, I hadn't seen Steve in years so it was really cool to chat with him and to catch up on the latest regarding standardized test scores for Grade Schools..

Backstage Lemmy strode around like the badass Lord of The Manor that he is, and it was funny watching people's reaction as he walked past them.. EVERYONE'S head turned to watch him. My favorite Lemmy moment was when he sat down next to someone holding a puppy and Lemmy pet the baby dog and gave it attention. LEMMY AND A PUPPY!!? I almost shit myself it was so cute..

Local boys Testament should be named the Comeback Heroes of 2008; their new album (the band's 1st with original Guitar God Alex Skolnick in 18 years!) hits on all cylinders and onstage they live up to the comeback as well. Also, Chuck Billy beat cancer! In other words, he defeated DEATH and he still looks and sounds great.. AND he's still the nicest guy in person.. There is NO ONE more Metal than him!

To top it off, as an end of the tour prank, Motörhead's Phil Campbell rode a horse onstage while wearing a blue wig, Micky Dee led the horse wearing a sombrero and blanket, and Lemmy dressed as a sheik followed behind with a broom. Where the hell did they get a horse!? I didn't see it backstage prior to their set. "Over The Wall!"

Motörhead goofs with Testament
(Pic by Umlaut)

The backstage area was jam packed with a veritable Who's Who of Old School Bay Area Metal scenesters and Umlaut Nation members.. I'm not even going to try and name check everyone because I know I'd leave someone out (sorry).. I'm not gonna lie: It was a great scene in a "The drink will flow and blood will spill and if the boys wanna fight you'd better let 'em.." way. Nice.. Also, I have to give myself bonus points for wearing a High On Fire Blessed Black Wings shirt and Matt Pike noticing it when I said "Hi" to him.

Motörhead blasted through the daylight with a set that included 'Over The Top'..."Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!!" Awesome.. Lemmy commanded the stage like the badass Lord of The Manor that he is... However, while 'Ace Of Spades' was the obvious crowd pleaser, it was disconcerting to me how many people didn't seem to recognize the set closing 'Overkill'.. Kids, PLEASE do your homework!

To top it off, as an end of the tour prank, Testament threw an inflatable pig and a sex doll on the backline and some girls invaded the stage to bump and grind up against Lemmy while he played. LEMMY!!

However, THE best part of Motörhead was seeing old Umlaut friend DeVito's art emblazoned on the band's stage backdrop, the bass drums, the tour laminate, the tour shirt, AND on posters around the venue! Dreams really do come true... Congratulations, brother!

Motörhead's Art and Artist
(Pic by Umlaut)

In between bands, I was on the backstage patio chatting with people when a child darted past us... I took another look at the "child" and realized it was Ronnie James Dio making his way to the band's dressing room. Ooops.. Well, Dio IS small in person. "Lookout!"

I was kind of in "work mode" as Heaven And Hell went onstage... I watched the first song of their set from the VIP area at the side of the stage, which might seem cool... but it's really not because it's behind the PA and the sound sucks. At that moment my "work" side would have stayed in the safe confines of the VIP area.. but my Inner Metalhead told me to watch the set from out in the crowd.. so I did.. and The Mob Ruled.

I've seen every Bay Area show that the Dio / Iommi / Geezer version of Black Sabbath has ever played dating back to their first tour in 1980... and I think this was my favorite one. Iommi's guitar tone has ruled my life since I was 15, and his playing was at another level on this night; it felt like I was hearing him play for the first time all over again.. Dude, his tone was astounding!

My Inner Music Geek kept tripping that Iommi played the same vintage and beaten up red Gibson SG for the entire set; I'm pretty sure he's been playing that same guitar for at least 30 years, but on recent tours has mainly played his shiny new custom SGs.. Seeing him wield his old axe again only added to my geekdom over his performance. Note to self: Write "Tony Iommi Is God" on Pee Chee folder during 1st period homeroom.

Tony's Ancient Weapon on the video screen
(Pic by Umlaut)

In fact, all of Heaven And Hell were at the top of their game; Dio's voice was flawless and he worked the stage in similar fashion, Geezer owned the bottom end as always since he practically invented it, and even Vinnie Appice got my seal of approval despite his drum solo (which I usually can't stand because of the 80's-style electronic tape loop thing..). At one point the guy behind me said "Unbelievable!!" to his friend, and I could not have agreed more; 'Die Young' was especially inspiring and kinda left me reeling, man.. "Behind a smile there's danger and a promise to be told: You'll never get old..."

To top it off, as an end of the tour prank, Motörhead handed out newspapers to the first several rows so when Dio & Co. hit the stage the first 3 rows of Section 103 appeared to be reading the news instead of watching the Metal. HaHa...

Judas Priest were great only because of K.K. Downing and Glenn Tipton... Man, Halford's voice is shot now.. There, I said it.. BUT he still knows how to work a crowd like no other Metal God. Kids, you will NOT learn how to play guitar like K.K. and Glenn by masturbating with Guitar Hero.. However, if you can score chicks by pressing those plastic buttons instead of caressing strings, more power to you.

K.K. in particular was working the stage above and beyond the call of duty; when he bent backwards while playing his white Flying-V at the end of each verse in 'Green Manalishi' I thought the skies would open up and rain molten metal down upon us... Also, Umlaut still loves the opening riffs of 'Devil's Child' as much as he did when he was 17.. "Feast your eyes on (Feast your eyes on!) a whole lotta sin..." Oh, and Priest dusted off 'Dissident Aggressor' (For the newbies: From their 1977 album Sin After Sin), which they have never played live before this tour! Wow.

This show would have been epic back in The Day and it was epic here in the 21st Century; the other old people know what I mean. It would have been incomprehensible seeing so many Metal legends sharing the stage in fucking Mountain View back in 1981. As I said at the top of this rant, back then shows like this only happened in muddy fields in Europe.

I didn't do a merch audit, and I probably won't until further notice. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Man, Timo and I attempted to meet up at a Denny's for our traditional post-concert grub, but here in the 21st Century that chain no longer exists in the vicinity of Shoreline Amphitheatre! The Denny's that used to be on El Camino near Tower Records Mt. View (R.I.P.) is now a Chink restaurant. WTF...

The Metal Masses during Judas Priest
(Pic by Umlaut)

Random Rock Star Moment: K.K. Downing

The LONG overdue sequel to OzzFest 2004 - Pittsburgh!!

Submitted by Umlaut friend Sonny:

ENCOUNTER WITH K.K.
Metal Masters Tour, Pittsburgh
August 2008

The Metal Masters Tour rolled through Pittsburgh last Saturday night. That’s what brought my brother and I to the Pittsburgh Airport Marriott before the show. I was heading down to the bar when three women got on the elevator. One was friendly.

“We’re housekeepers,” she said proudly. “How do you like it here so far?” This unfortunate girl was missing many teeth. But I pride myself on being a gentleman. This requires me to be courteous to all women, even those with bad dental problems. So I smiled and told her I liked the hotel, and that we were going to a concert tonight.

“What band?” she asked. Now I noticed the other two housekeepers. One had a strange distracted stare, as if listening to voices nobody else could hear. The third was pretty, with an Italian look and shiny dark hair cut in a pixie style that showed off her chiseled features.

I was silent for a moment, then replied: “Judas Priest.”

At those words, the pretty housekeeper became very excited. She started pointing at the other two women, but didn’t seem to have control of her gestures. She tried to tell me something, but her speech was garbled and unintelligible.

“The lead singer is staying on her floor,” said the friendly housekeeper. “But you can’t tell anyone.” Bullshit, I thought. She’s making it up. But later I learned first-hand that she told the truth.

Now the elevator stopped at their floor. “Concierge Level,” the sign said, but someone had stolen the “r.” The three housekeepers exited the elevator, the pretty one still trying to communicate, arms flailing. But I couldn’t understand a word.

Down in the lobby, I tried to tell my brother of this encounter. “I met these weird women. One of them was…” I began. But then I noticed the crowd in the bar. It was the same assortment of knuckleheads weirdos and boozed-up West Virginia hillbillies that comprised the crowd at Priest’s 2004 Pittsburgh show. Also present were numerous young men in tuxedos who seemed to be with a wedding party.

The concert itself was fine. Good performances all around, and no violence, unlike Ozzfest 2005 in Camden, New Jersey, where a teenage girl punched me in the stomach.

After the show, we found many bleary-eyed people hanging out in the Marriott lobby. One fellow in a particularly elaborate tuxedo noticed my t-shirt, and told the woman next to him: “He went to the Judas Priest concert.” I realized she was the bride. I’d seen her earlier in her wedding dress and veil, heading towards the ballroom.

“I wanted to see Priest, too,” said the groom, his bow tie askew. “But I hadda get married tonight so I couldn’t go.”

After breakfast the next morning, I waited in the lobby for a long time, trying to get an elevator. For some reason, two of them were stuck on the Concierge Level. But eventually an elevator door opened, out strode K.K. Downing, his blond hair thin and tangled.

K.K. onstage in Pittsburgh

I followed him, keeping a distance while I decided what to do. Downing was checking out of the hotel. I stood by while he had a long discussion with the desk clerk and a frazzled-looking man who must have been their road manager. Sooner or later, I thought, he has to turn around. That would be my chance for an encounter with a real, live member of Judas Priest.

Eventually he did turn around. When he saw me standing there silently, he paused with an apprehensive look.

“You’re K.K. Downing,” I said, feeling rather like a deranged stalker.

K.K.’s face lit up. “I am indeed,” he said in a thick Midlands accent. “Always and forever.” Making the sign of the horns with one hand, he gave me a warm smile and shook hands. A Judas Priest guitarist, giving me the horns! I couldn’t believe my good fortune.

K.K. was very pleasant and natural. He showed no desire to escape, so I ventured some small talk. I told him what a big fan I was, that I’d been to the show the night before and that I’d seen them in Pittsburgh the last time they came through. I lavishly praised the previous night’s performance. I also said we might go to another show if we could get to one in this part of the country. K.K. looked delighted.

“Well, I’m not sure where we are next,” he said. “Detroit, I think… maybe Oklahoma…” His voice trailed off.

This confirmed my long-held belief: touring rock musicians are only dimly aware of where they are and where they’re going.

K.K. revealed that he still lives in England; that they hoped to return to the U.S. for another tour; and that the two big buses with blacked-out windows in the parking lot were theirs.

“Is that Flying V guitar hard to play? Is it hard to hold on your leg?” I asked, trying to sound knowledgeable. I’d read this in Guitar Player magazine. KK looked pleased that I knew about his instrument.

“Naw, not really,” he said. “You just sit down, put the horn between your legs like this, and like, play.” K.K. sat on his suitcase and demonstrated, playing some air guitar for my benefit. I must be dreaming, I thought. This cannot be happening.

I sensed that the time had come to bring this conversation to a close. I told him how much I enjoyed meeting him.

“Nice to meet you, brother,” K.K. said, smiling and giving me a firm handshake.

I wandered off in a daze. But then it occurred to me that it was just a few minutes before check-out time. Two unmarked buses were waiting at the curb. If I stayed near the elevator, I might see the rest of the band.

I was not disappointed. Soon the elevator doors opened, and there stood Ian Hill.

One look told me that I would not be talking to Ian Hill. With his broad shoulders and baleful glare, he looked more like a retired bouncer than a bass guitarist. This was not a man to be trifled with.

Then I saw who stood behind him, scrolling through messages on a cell phone.

“Hey, you’re Rob Halford,” I said.

He didn’t look up.

“Yes, it’s me,” he said drily as he swept past, eyes locked on his phone. He didn’t break stride for an instant.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” I called lamely to Halford’s retreating back.

This frosty response instantly cured me of any further desire to hang out with English Heavy Metal legends. I wandered out to the parking lot, awash in a potent mixture of feelings not easily put into words. On the curb stood Scott Travis. He glanced at me and seemed about to say something. But the moment for speaking to British rock stars had passed. There was nothing left to do but stand there in silence as two huge tour buses slowly drove away, loaded with a band I’ve loved for 26 years, headed for Detroit.

Hell Bent For Leatha: The 6 Days of Rock

The 6 Days of Rock thundered across the Umlaut landscape from July 27th through August 1st. When The Rock Godz call Umlaut, their siren call of "Me rock you long time" must be heeded.. and it was good.

July 27th:
Jet / Sloan
The Fillmore, San Francisco

Me likey Jet’s greasy haired, unshaven, unkempt Rock. They also get Bonus Points for playing The Faces as their intro tape.. And a gold star on their foreheads for only charging $15 for t-shirts. I can’t remember the last time I saw merch being sold for “reasonable” prices at a Corporate Rock venue like the historic Fillmore.

Beer count = 1. Leatha Rating = Low… but Jet’s drummer did wear his leather jacket for the entire set. I’d hate to be near that thing on the tour bus. Average height of the crowd = 5’7” or so. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. The exodus of scenesters prior to the encores was unfortunate. Choke on your Abercrombie & Fitch-flavored Kool Aid!

July 29th:
The Vue
The Great American Music Hall, San Francisco



Before I go any further I must state that as of this week, The Vue are my favorite band. I’ve been seeing bands since 1978 and only a handful have been as locked into The Rock onstage. The Vue are locked. The first time I saw them I couldn't stop saying to myself "They are the real deal.." and I've said that after every one of their shows since. Rock Star Crushes aside.

Beer count = 2. Leatha Rating = Low. Average height of the crowd = 5'8" or so. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenage prostitutes called us fags. I can't remember the last time a band's merch person gave me free stuff for saying how much I liked the band.. but it happened on this night.

July 30th:
Judas Priest / Slayer
Sleep Train Amphitheatre, Marysville, CA



A surgically precise 265 mile (round trip) road trip to California's Central Valley. The venue was in the middle of bumfuck nowhere surrounded by farms, new soulless real estate developments, and road kill.

SLAYER: The Slayer fan "call and response" is a sociological phenomenon that has humored folks like me for years. It goes something like this: At a gig, one Slayer fan shouts (or screams) "SLAAAYAAAHH!!" to no one in particular. In response, Slayer fans in the vicinity (usually wasted) shout (or scream) "SLAAAYAAAHH!!" back at the original shouter. At this show we witnessed this (1) in the parking lot, (2) at the entrance gate, (3) in the Men's Room, and (4) in the seats. Hearing a Men's Room full of pissing dudes screaming "SLAAAYAAAHH!!" at each other must be what a Superbowl locker room feels like.

However, the joke was on the Slayer Call & Response dudes since while most of them milled around the concourse getting drunk and yelling at each other, SLAAAYAAAHH walked onstage way earlier than expected since the advertised opening act was cancelled. It was criminal for Slayer to play in front of a practically empty amphitheater.

One of the highlights of Slayer's set was a wannabe Suicide Girl a couple of rows in front of us. She sang along PERFECTLY to every song.. Her memorization of the lyrics was VERY impressive. The two dudes sitting in front of her (obviously there to see Priest) even turned around to see what the deal was since while she sang she also banged her head, jumped up and down, and gave the devil horn sign. She'll make someone a fine psychopatic spouse some day.

The pit action during 'Seasons In The Abyss' and 'Angel Of Death' was sublime. 'South Of Heaven' made me smile. Dude! They played 'Postmortem'! Meanwhile, the two little daughters of Slayer members watched the fun from the side of the stage (awwww). They looked bored.

Prior to the gig, I counted on soaking up some Central Valley White Supremacist fun and I wasn't disappointed. (Note to non-Californians: Despite Cali's liberal rep, we have a nice White Supremacist movement in our Central Valley, thank you very much). Twas sweet seeing white boys walking around sans shirts with "WHITE POWER" tattooed across their stomachs. Such irony that they follow Slayer when Tom Araya isn't close to being Aryan. Perhaps they think his name is Tom ARYAN. Goofball racist fucks.

"I dance with the dead in my dreams, listen to their hallowed screams.."

JUDAS PRIEST: From 1980-82 Judas Priest were my favorite band. Ironically, my friends and I were completely clueless about the homoerotic undertones in Priest's music. We innocently drove up to S.F. and bought our studded belts and wristbands at gay leather shops.. "That giant rubber fist is kinda weird... I wonder what it's.. NO WAY! That belt is JUST LIKE Halford's!!" Kidz these days with their safe and sterile Hot Topic shopping are wimps.

Unfortunately, Priest chose to play the godawful 'Turbo Lover' and a semi-acoustic version of 'Diamonds & Rust'. My guess is the latter is Halford's exclamation that he's out of the closet since he channeled Joan Baez quite heavily during the performance. Note to non-Metal readers: 'Diamonds & Rust' is a Joan Baez song that Priest covered and made their own. For old Metalheads it should have been our first clue that Halford was gay.. but alas we were clueless 'cause the Priest version ROCKED.

'Green Manalishi', 'Victim Of Changes', and 'Beyond The Realms Of Death' were total godhead. Me smile and bang head. Good.

Beer count = 1. Leatha Rating = THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF!! Priest are BACK! Average height of the crowd = 6' or so. For the first time in the 12 years of Umlaut, we were called fags BEFORE the show instead of on the way back to the car! Stunning. A pimply-faced teenaged waiter in a Sacramento brew pub did so by his facial reaction when Timo ordered a PINK lemonade instead of a beer. When he brought the check he also said "Do YOU TWO want anything else?" The implication that Timo and I were a couple was obvious. We said "No thanks" and told him we were on our way to see that openly homosexual Heavy Metal band Judas Priest.

"The air's electric, sparking power...loaded... loaded.."

August 1st (Early):
Hot Chick Stoner BBQ DVD Release Party
Featuring Old Grandad / Acid King / Totimoshi
Bottom of the Hill, San Francisco



On a serious note: Of all The 6 Days of Rock shows, this was the most special since a family emergency developed the night before (Get well soon Dixie! Love, Mom & Dad). Hanging out with so many old friends at this gig meant a lot (A huge shout out to "The Core".. You know who you are..).

Anyway, back to bizness: Eight bucks at the door got you 3 of S.F. / Oakland's finest (and heaviest) bands AND all you can eat BBQ. Hey! You got RAWK in my BBQ! And you got BBQ in my RAWK! This was the type of show that made me want to keep my hair long and (occasionally) greasy. Posers will pay the price. It was also the type of show that felt like you were standing behind a dump truck as it unloaded 2 tons of mud on top of you.. but in a good way.

Beer count = 2. Leatha Rating = Moderate. Average height of the crowd = 5'7" or so. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. In another life (and another band) I saw Acid King's drummer perform on that same stage wearing fish net stockings, which he showed off by standing on his drum stool.

August 1st (Late):
The Hives / Sahara Hotnights
The Fillmore, San Francisco

I think "The Hives" translates from Swedish into "The Swedes don't know how to pull off an ironic sense of humor the way the English can". In the hands of the Swedes irony comes off as annoying. But I suppose it's the best they can do considering IKEA is all their fault.

Beer count = ZERO. Leatha Rating = ZERO. It was simply shocking how NORMAL looking the crowd was.. Average height of the crowd = 5'6" or so. Umlaut aide Miatomic battled The Hives' Southeast Asian fan base.. Literally and figuratively. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I think "Sahara Hotnights" translates from Swedish into "The Donnas".

And on The 7th Day Umlaut rested.

With The 6 Days of Rock over, I can think of nothing more appropriate than to watch the best San Francisco movie (IMO):

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

"Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?" - Spock