39 Lashes

Acid King / Black Cobra
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
September 27, 2013

Sadly, today marked the 27th Anniversary of the passing of Cliff Burton.   I'm not going to dwell on it here... and will only say that, yes, I did listen to 'Orion' on vinyl.  Anyway, there was a time 3 years ago when Thee Parkside was the hub of underground Metal shows in S.F..  Portal played here for dog's sake!  Sadly, Metal at this venue has become less common and according to the Umlaut Archives I had not been here in 19 months.

Hometown Acid King shows have also become special events since they have become few and far between; it's still hard to fathom that the band has been spanking eardrums for 20 years now!   Having them share tonight with fellow hometown heroes and friends Black Cobra made tonight even better.  As expected, the night was not only a gathering of volume lovers, but the sold out show was also a nice reunion of old Umlaut friends.  SPECIAL!

Apologies to Buffalo Tooth but I didn't see any of their opening set.  I've been slacking and this was my first Black Cobra show in over a year.  Sorry, guys!  Right around 11:00pm Jason and Rafa blasted off in the hot and humid room with the vintage classic 'Omniscient' and for the next 45 minutes or so all was right in the volume world.  From there they went into 'Five Daggers' and then into what I consider their signature song 'Chronosphere'.  The heat and humidity in the packed room only made the volume that much more suffocating... in a good way of course.  The kidz in the room went crazy and the 11-song set slammed shut with a frenzied version of 'Obliteration'.  Sweat was well spent during Black Cobra's set and the room temporarily emptied as people returned to the patio for air and hydration.

[Photo courtesy of Sensory Abuse]

I was horrified when I realized it had been over 2 YEARS since the last time I saw Acid King!  I had been out of town for last year's hometown show (with Yob no less).  Horrifying. Thankfully I was at the show tonight, which was only Acid King's 5th hometown show in almost 7 years I think.  Crazy.  Fans in Europe should count themselves lucky since that is where Acid King annually spends most of their tour days now... and with good reason of course.

[Photo courtesy of Sensory Abuse]

Tonight's set was an abbreviated 10-song version of Acid King's recent European performance that set things off with a monstrous version of the geographically important 'Busse Woods' that rode into the classic '2 Wheel Nation'.  It's almost a spiritual thing for me being in the same room as Acid King puts that carpet of tone and volume down over a room's face.  As during Black Cobra's set, the heat and humidity from the packed room only made the volume that much more suffocating... in a good way of course.  The highlight of the entire night came near the end of the set as Jason and Rafa of Black Cobra joined Acid King onstage for a dominating version of '39 Lashes'.  Kind of epic, dude.  Then Lori, Joey, and Mark eased the night to a close with their standard 'Sunshine And Sorrow'.

Acid Black King Cobra
[Photo courtesy of Sensory Abuse]

Did I find out tonight that the some kidz still do cocaine at Metal shows?  Yes.  I was so distracted talking to friends that I forgot to do a mech audit.  My bad.  On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag.  According to the Umlaut Archives tonight marked the 30th time I've been in the same venue as Acid King dating back to their first ever show (!) and also the 16th time I've been in the same venue as Black Cobra.  Kind of crazy... and hopefully Thee Parkside recycles because this is what the front row looked like after Acid King left the stage:

Jello Pudding

Jello Biafra & the Guantanamo School of Medicine / Black Cobra / Pins Of Light
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
March 18, 2012

It was a cold night in San Francisco. It had also been 23 days since I last walked into a building to see a band play live. To be honest I don't feel like I missed anything; it was a good break. I don't go to Thee Parkside very often these days, but it was the perfect venue to visit after watching the season finale of The Walking Dead before I left Casa de Umlaut. Soon after entering Thee Parkside I was reminded that it just might be my favorite local venue, especially since there were a good number of familiar faces in attendance.

Pins Of Light were GREAT! I had heard good things about Pins and their debut album comes out on Alternative Tentacles this week (!). I’m happy to report I have a new favorite local band. Pins are not one of those bands who simply hop onstage and play. When Pins took the stage their energy detonated like a Punk neutron bomb. Unfortunately, I don't know the band members names; I guess it is Punk Rock to only list your first names online and not say who is who in the band... Anyway, Pins is anchored by a solid drummer (who I was told is a recent new member) and their bassist vocalist who holds the shit down. This pillar of volume is framed by two excellent guitarists, one of whom bounced around the stage like the second coming of Rick Nielsen. A great live band with songs to back it up and you also knew it was a good set when the bassist vocalist was standing in a puddle of spilled beer for the last couple of songs. If anybody who knows Pins is reading this please shoot me a message and tell me who is who in the band. Thanks... and the Pins Of Light record release show is on the 30th of this month in S.F. over at The Hemlock. Awesome.

Black Cobra were just back from playing at South By Southwest 2012 and this was the last show before their upcoming European and U.S. Tours with Corrosion Of Conformity in April and June. In between that they'll be with Fu Manchu in Australia and New Zealand in May. In recent years Black Cobra have become classic Road Dogs and all of their hard work is really paying off; tonight was the best Black Cobra hometown set that I’ve seen yet.

If you're lucky, there comes a time when you’ve followed a band long enough that they move to another level with their talent. When that happens it's an epipany of the highest order... and that happened to me tonight with Black Cobra. I’ve seen most of the band’s San Francisco shows since their first one in 2006... and tonight I’m proud to say my boys Jason and Rafa moved to that next level in my head. The epiphany hit me as the monolithic groove of the song 'Chronomega' enveloped Thee Parkside. I looked around and the entire room seemed to be either banging their heads or participating in the pit action at the front. It was magical because I remember a time not too long ago when an audience would stand still with their arms crossed while Black Cobra played. It helps that Jason has fully embraced his inner Nugent and become the front man he was meant to be and that Rafa has developed into an unholy hybrid of Buddy Rich and Philthy Animal Taylor on drums. At one point I literally said "Holy fuck..." after a song because the performance was so brutalicious; Photo Ray can confirm this.

As the dust settled we walked out to the patio and I saw a tall guy with glasses coming towards me and I said out loud "Brian Posehn?".... and BRIAN POSEHN said "Hey, how's it going!", shook my hand, and kept walking inside. What the fuck was Brian Posehn doing at Thee Parkside?? Ohhh, I guess he had a comedy gig across town. It was cool that he ducked out to see a local show while in town, right?

Posehn

Anyway, after that very brief celebrity encounter, for some reason I was hungry and I ordered food from Thee Parkside's great kitchen on the patio. As I sat down at a bench with friends to quickly eat, Jello breezed past us wearing a goofy Victorian-era style long coat thing and left the building via the patio entrance. I predicted he was just going around to the front of the club to make his entrance for his set... and then not a minute later the music started inside. Jello is funny... and with that being said I watched 3 songs, Jello and the band sounded good, but I was tired and had to be up early for the Monday work day. I ducked out into the night, back to Casa de Umlaut, and was in bed by around midnight. I'm sure Jello and his band did a couple of Dead Kennedy's songs.. but that's alright.

If you bought one of every Black Cobra merch item you would have paid around $106. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. I know I've taken Jello for granted more times than I've appreciated him. Trivia: Evidently the basic ingredients of Jell-O are:

• gelatin
• water
• sugar
• artificial flavors
• artificial coloring

The End Of The Road

Warbringer / Lazarus A.D. / Landmine Marathon
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
November 7, 2011

It's not often that I've witnessed the first show of a tour and the last show of a tour... but that's what happened with the America Torn Asunder Tour featuring this packaged bill. A little over a month ago I attended the tour's first date down in Hollywood. The bands were all fresh faced, their merch bins full, and their equipment prepped and ready for over a month on the road. Now 38 days later the tour steamed into San Francisco for the 37th and final show of the trek. Damn, 37 shows in 38 days. I expected the bands to look pretty crispy when I saw them again… and they were… and some of their equipment was no longer alive.. but their merch bins were almost empty… which is a good thing.

Thee Parkside is a special venue for Umlaut when it comes to my kindred spirit band Landmine Marathon because it's where I was first exposed to their blow torch ways onstage. Fast forward over 2 years and 12 shows later and it was cool to see Landmine within these familiar confines again. Tonight would be my lucky 13th time seeing the band. Landmine were welcomed back to San Francisco with the traditional box of Mission burritos that touring bands have coveted since time immemorial.

As Ryan Landmine and I went to the Prius that was parked on a dark side street to retrieve the foil wrapped jewels it felt like I was making a drug delivery to the band. For those who care, Landmine's burrito setlist was:

• 1 bean rice and cheese
• 1 chicken burrito with lettuce pico sour cream, etc
• 1 bean rice cheese lettuce tomato/pico
• 3 bean rice pico guacamole no cheese
• Hot sauce on the side

METAL.. Don't worry, the box was made from free range cardboard.

Truth be told, this was more of a hang out session than a gig… I was only there to see Landmine and the night took an unexpectedly old school social turn when I discovered that Rafa Black Cobra and Gary Holt and his entourage were in the house. Gary was literally just off the plane back from Austin where he had sat in with Slayer again at the final show of their World Painted Blood Tour. Much old school conversation ensued and I decided that Gary needs a History Channel show called You Weren't There where he will debunk all the myths about The Old Metal Days.

"Thrash started on the East Coast?! Bullshit.. You weren't there!!"

Landmine Marathon killed it. Tonight was the 13th time I've seen Landmine and they were firing on all cylinders from the opening notes of 'Three Snake Leaves'. The first night of the tour 38 days earlier had been somewhat shaky, but tonight the grueling 912 hours that had passed since that first show detonated for this last show. It was one of the most focused sets I’ve seen Landmine play... No bullshit... 7 songs… 40 minutes.. blow torch volume… decent crowd action.. Thank you, g’night! While I missed hearing some of the old set list standards, the 3 news songs were confidently brutal and felt broken in from the month of working them out on the road. I've said it before: Great band... great people... and Gary Holt even liked them. So there you go...

(Photo courtesy of Photo Ray)

Sorry, I don’t like Lazarus A.D... so the outdoor patio of Thee Parkside was a welcome refuge as they entertained the crowd inside. I don’t mind Warbringer; they seem like good dudes and they’re definitely Road Dogs when it comes to touring. I had heard they added a cover of Motӧrhead’s ‘We Are The Road Crew’ to their set since the opening night of the tour. When they started into that classic I went in to watch some of their set from that point. Again, Warbringer are a good band but it's just that I've seen it before... in 1983. Honesty is my only excuse.

If you bought one of every Landmine Marathon merch item you would have spent around $95. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. The burrito drop was handled the old fashioned way: Via the barter system.. will delivery burritos for t-shirts and vinyl.


Click HERE to see Photo Ray's shots from the night!

Early Show

Orchid
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
October 9, 2011

This show was attached to the annual Indie Mart street fair that took place on the closed-off street next to Thee Parkside. The mart featured a typical S.F. mix of artsy fartsy craft vendors to kill time looking at… but the best part of the event was the Chairman Bao food truck was in attendance so I could snack on their godlike steamed tofu bun. Arriving early also meant watching a band called Nectarine Pie who had obviously studied 60's British Invasion bands... which isn't a bad thing... but I was there to see something heavier… so I got a beer at the bar and wandered off to find my friends outside on the patio.

Evidently Orchid were stuck in cluster fuck traffic and late getting to the venue (it was an unusually busy Sunday afternoon in S.F. with the Blue Angels, a Columbus Day parade, AND the Niners being in town). As a result the band only played about half their scheduled time. Despite the brief performance I was surprised that I had an epiphany about Orchid: I was finally enlightened on how the band is hot wired into a vintage Santana vibe, which is not as obvious to the casual listener as their Sabbath vibe.

Since Orchid are older dudes they pull off the vintage angle a lot more convincingly than most of the young bands attempting the same thing these days. I mean, when Orchid step onstage wearing vintage clothes it doesn't look like they’re in costume; they look and sound like the real deal. Carter and Keith lay down a heavy groove on drums and bass that most bands attempting to do the “vintage” sound in the 21st Century fail to grasp… and Mark and Theo lead the bell bottom charge with the former wielding epic TONE on his SG and the latter having a voice that’s both other worldly and powerful. Orchid in a live setting creates an aura in any room they’re playing and don’t simply fill it with volume.

(Photo courtesy of Sensory Abuse)

The truncated set opened with the new song 'Saviours Of The Blind' and for the next 35 minutes the band transported the room to another place. Following the opening song the band followed with another new one 'Nomad'... and then eased through 4 songs from their current releases.. with the highlight being 'Eyes Behind The Wall' before they closed things out with 'Eastern Woman'. It was a clean and mellow set… made all the more so by having the young kids of the band members and friends standing at the rail. I trust the youngsters were all wearing ear protection… because I believe that children are the future… teach them well and let them show the way.

I didn't do a merch audit... but Orchid did not have any girl's tees in size Small. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. All in all it was a super mellow Sunday afternoon in San Francisco. I was glad I got see Orchid again before they leave on a European Tour next week that includes shows in Poland, Holland, Belgium, and Germany. Prost!

Click HERE to see more of Sensory Abuse's shots from the show!

Friday Night Fright

Impaled / Funerot
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
August 6, 2010


I was in no rush to get to Thee Parkside, so I casually rolled out of Casa de Umlaut at 10:00pm too meet up with Photo Ray and Sensory Abuse. A good size crowd greeted me and I arrived just as the 3rd band was finishing. After chit-chatting on the patio for a bit I went inside to watch Funerot's set.

Unfortunately, just like the Scorpions, Funerot are on their farewell tour after 7-8 years of raging. Their set was basic in an old MDC / 80's Thrash Metal sort of way; lots of energy and technically the band were more impressive than I was expecting. Unfortunately, this was my first and last time seeing the band, so I guess that makes me a poser. Good luck, guys.

Ross Sewage is sort of the mad scientist of the S.F. Bay Area Metal Scene; he has his talons in many projects. Whether it's holding down the bottom end of Ludicra's thunder, to being one of the ring masters of Ghoul's horror theater (which also includes Impaled's guitarist Sean McGrath), to the aural autopsy of Impaled. Each band is unique but all of them share a level of professionalism that always impresses me.

Impaled deliver their G.O.R.E. in the same spirit as Carcass and General Surgery use medical and horror themes to great Metal effect. When it's done right, Umlaut loves bands who create a mythos around themselves and Impaled are that kind of band. This band could easily translate into a gory graphic novel and the storyline would write itself via the band's lyrics. Hmmm... If only I was a comic artist.

Impaled are a seamless live act and they prepared the usually ratty Parkside stage with one of the most elaborate (by DIY standards of course) stage shows I've seen there. If I have a complaint about this venue, it's that the stage lighting consists of only ON and OFF. I mean, how much would it cost to install a DIMMER SWITCH for the stage lights to adjust the ambiance!? I could install a DIMMER SWITCH for them! Anyway, Impaled used the static lighting to their advantage by supplementing the fixed stage lights with a pair of red siren lights flanking the stage. Brilliant! Added to that was a smoke machine, a few strategically placed skulls, and an impressive band logo back drop and, presto, instant Metal ambiance. Thus the scene was set for the bloody machine that is Impaled to engulf my life for the next 45 minutes.

Photo courtesy of Photo Ray

It's easy to get caught up in The Cult of Impaled... From their uniforms, to the fist pumping, to the triggered sound bites, to the scripted but fun song intros; the band's sense of how to draw a crowd into their Metal Moment elevated the night above the usual $10 gig. In the past, Impaled's shows have featured open flames and Ross' fire breathing skills but, alas, that stunt was not part of tonight's show. Then of course there is Impaled's music, which features one of the best virtuoso Bay Area Metal guitar duos this side of Testament; just watching guitarist Jason Kocol warm up before their set was like watching a guitar clinic. The complex guitar fretwork are the band's scalpel to carve their way into the hearts and ears of an audience and some nice crowd action took over the floor during the set. I especially liked the night's version of 'Up The Dose' dedicated to the underage members of the audience (and there were a surprising number of kidz out late on a Friday night) and to their future drug experimentation.

As the last song faded into the ether along with the residuals from the smoke machine, the band methodically left the stage to walk out to Thee Parkside's patio even as the crowd started chanting "One more song!! One more song!" ... but that was it. Bummer. So I said my goodbyes, walked right across the street to the Prius and was home in 10 minutes. A surgically fun and easy night.

"G.O.R.E. is a force that gives us meaning... G.O.R.E. is a force that leaves you screaming."

I didn't do a merch audit, but the Mexican version of the band's The Last Gasp CD (with bonus track and gold foil detailing on the booklet) was only $10. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. A quick, fun night. The End.

Click HERE to see Sensory Abuse's photos and HERE for Photo Ray's shots from the night.

Men At Work

Portal / Sanguis Imperem / Dispirit
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
May 15, 2010

As soon as this show was announced everybody knew it was going to be one of those sold out beyond packed shows on 17th Street... and it was. San Franfuckincisco was going to be only the 2nd city in the U.S. that Portal would play on their debut U.S. Tour. Yes, the band from Australia with the singer who wears a clock on his head like a helmet onstage. Metal as Theater!

Morbosidad had dropped off the bill so Dispirit were able to play a longer set. Dispirit's appearance tonight caused almost as much of a buzz in the local Metal Scene as the headliner. The lineup features John Gossard of the legendary S.F. Black Metal band Weakling (a band that also featured Saros drummer Sam Foster) and their live appearances have been practically non-existent to date. Dispirit delivered a Doom laden 50 minutes, played in complete darkness aside from some candles placed at the front of the stage, that included an astounding 20 minute closing song. Their set featured Umlaut standing practically on top of the band's smoke machine that was set up at stage left.

During the set I realized that I haven't inhaled that much smoke machine exhaust since probably 1983 at The Stone. It was a solid set by another excellent local Metal band; the Bay Area Metal Scene is so strong with so many good local bands right now it's frightening.

Before I go any further I want to say that I hate The Internet sometimes. As Sanguis Imperem played several of us received text messages that Ronnie James Dio had died... but he was not dead! Wendy Dio posted this on RJD's official Twitter not long afterwards:

"Don't believe the rumors, Ronnie is still hanging in there!!!" Hugs, Wendy Dio

Fuck The Internet for spreading false news! It put a real buzz kill on the show... but unfortunately Ronnie James Dio did pass away hours later... but the premature annoucement was so disrespectful. However, with that dark cloud of reality hanging in the air, seeing Portal's darker than black vision of Metal was appropriate tonight.

Out on the patio in between bands Umlaut had lively conversations with some of his favorite local musicians on topics such as the 33 1/3 series of books and, of course, the magic and power of Dio. It's rare that I can have a conversation with different people who are all just as in awe of someone as much as Umlaut, but that's the level of reverence that Dio earned. Thee Parkside was a veritable Who's Who of The Bay Area Metal Scene and autograph seekers could have had 1/5 of Neurosis, Black Cobra, 3/5 of Ludicra, and members of Vastum, Hammers Of Misfortune, Stormcrow, and Saros sign their denim vests.

Prior to Portal, Dave filled me in on the mythos of Portal... and I'm now completely fascinated by this band. Taken at face value most people think of them as "that band with the singer who wears a clock on his head"... but evidently their music, lyrics, costumes, and philosophy are deeply rooted in the writings of H.P. Lovecraft and Horror in general. I need to talk to Dave more about Portal and their mythos... Okay, Dave? Beers on me.

Thee Parkside is one of my favorite venues because its layout, featuring an outdoor bar area, makes shows feel like they're part of The Scene. It really reminds me of back in The Day when I'm there on a crowded night like this. However, my one complaint about Thee Parkside is that the stage lighting consists of only ON and OFF. I mean, how much would it cost to install a fucking DIMMER SWITCH for the stage lights to adjust the ambiance!? I mean, fuck, I could install a DIMMER SWITCH for them! Of course, Portal chose OFF for their stage lighting.

Portal have been around for 16 years but this was their first visit to San Franfuckincisco. The Australians took the stage in complete darkness, but The Curator wasn't wearing his trademark clock headgear... Instead he was dressed in his Black Pope outfit and I was kind of bummed... until the band's wall of DARK VOLUME practically knocked me over for the next hour.

It was a surreal set since the only time the band became visible was when camera flashes went off.. Otherwise it was an all out assault on the senses. Blackness upon black upon darkness and volume... but it was compelling. It was the type of blackness upon black upon darkness that most people will never experience... and I liked that. For an hour I was immersed in a blackness that made me forget about The Real World outside the crowded sweaty confines of Thee Parkside. I could almost call it a cleansing experience... Also, I had to marvel at how Portal managed to perform in complete darkness while they all wore black hoods over their heads and faces in the hot sweaty club... Talk about being men at work (pun alert!) and evidently the band's debut show in America the night before in L.A. had been at a club in Compton...

Oh, one funny episode was when 3 young and drunk Hispanic Metalheads noticed Whenwedie's Baron Rojo and Tank patches... and for a minute I thought they were going to jump him and cut the patches off of him... but instead they threw their arms around Whenwedie in a show of alcohol fueled Metal Amigo bonding... I think.

All in all it was a fun night... but I didn't do a merch audit. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Portal laid waste to San Franfuckincisco and, to quote that other Australian band, can't you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover...


Click HERE to see Photo Ray's scary pics from the show... and click HERE to see Whenwedie's spooky shots of the show from another angle.

Talking 'Bout My Generation

Orchid
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
April 11, 2010

It was a Sunday night and the amount of rain falling on San Franfuckincisco was Biblical... but I still floated the Prius to Thee Parkside, which is oddly starting to become one of my favorite local venues these days.


I wasn't expecting much from tonight and only wanted to see Orchid, who were first on the bill and due to go on at 8:30pm (Sorry Slough Feg and Bible Of The Devil who were also on the bill..). I was expecting to be back inside the warm and dry confines of Casa de Umlaut early. However, not long after arriving I found myself with a beer in hand chatting to Mark of Orchid, Photo Ray, Scott, and Leah (who Umlaut has known since the Reagan Administration!) and the vibe of the evening became special. Another pleasant surprise was how nicely Thee Parkside filled up early for Orchid's set. It was storming outside, but inside the club it felt cozy. The Scene.

Indeed, Orchid's sound is unashamedly Sabbath but I've realized what sets Orchid apart from most of the other local bands is their veteran musicianship and sense of style (for lack of a better term). Like Umlaut, Orchid grew up and were influenced by a time when real Rock Stars roamed The Earth and when you discovered music by listening to an AM radio late at night in your bedroom. Mark channels every 70's guitar god, Theo channels every 70's front man, Carter channels every 70's Rock drummer, Nickel channels every 70's Rock bassist... and Orchid as a band channels every 70's Arena Rock band. Bad company 'til the day they die.

(Pic courtesy of Photo Ray)

Perhaps fueled by all the family and friends who were in the house, Orchid seemed to be playing on a special level tonight. They were in a groove from the first song and it was something that Orchid veteran Photo Ray noted as well. At one point, as Mark held a note that teetered on going over the edge into feedback he looked over at the rest of the band, Theo stomped his foot, and Carter and Nickel kicked in with their bottom end stomp... and Mark's Hand of Doom blasted off into a solo that reached back into time. Dude, where's the bong?? The set closing 'No One Makes A Sound' was really, really epic.


Umlaut is an Old Fart and Orchid, along with those other local retro heroes Saviours and Drunk Horse, are the bridge between *my* world and the rest of the local Metal Scene. The 70's Rock shit is in my blood because it's what changed my life in my pre-teen years listening to an AM radio late at night in my bedroom in ancient times. Humble Pie is as much a part of my DNA as Celtic Frost, man. Talking 'bout my ge-ge-generation.

Vid by Umlaut

Originally I was going to bail right after Orchid's set but, with the rain falling heavily on the tin roof of Thee Parkside's outside patio, it felt better to get another beer and wait the storm out. So, for the second time in a week, I found myself having an epic hang session on the club's patio shooting the shit with kindred Music Geek spirits. Very cool. Anytime when The Faces AND The Sisters Of Mercy come up in the same conversation it's special to me, man.

Again, apologies to Slough Feg and Bible Of The Devil for blowing them off, but the hang time was too precious. However, at one point when Bible Of The Devil were onstage I noted how they sounded like Thin Lizzy. When I ducked inside to check them out for a minute they launched into a decent cover of Lizzy's 'Hollywood'. Nicely done, guys. Talking 'bout my ge-ge-generation.

If you bought one of every Orchid merch item you would have paid $40 (I think). On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Rain, rain, rain... and as I'm typing this it's 10:45pm and the sump pump in the crawl space underneath Casa de Umlaut is making a funny noise... am I gonna have to go down there? Uh... yeah I do. Hope I die before I get old... 'til the day I die.

Two Nights

Light This City / The Funeral Pyre / Early Graves
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
April 8, 2010


I had met The Funeral Pyre at SXSW last month and it's always cool to reconnect with people who you meet while on tour... You meet some really amazing people on The Road. It was a nice touch that the Will Call guy knew who I was and already looking for my name on the list before I even said anything. Thanks, dude! The Scene.

During Early Graves set I thought to myself "I went to a Metal show... and I'm watching a Punk show." They're not really my thing... you silly Metalcore kidz... but the girlz in the crowd were sporting some very stylish handbags and purses. The Funeral Pyre wanted the stage lights to be dimmed, but that's not how Thee Parkside rolls and it was either lights on or lights off; they chose the latter. They opened with 3 new substance abuse-fueled songs that worked well in the darkness. Judging by her reaction, the girl standing next to me with the denim vest and Mayhem back patch agreed. However, she was NOT sporting a very stylish handbag or purse.

I didn't watch any of Light This City. Sorry kidz... I heard this was your final tour. Bummer. After The Pyre's set Photo Ray and I spent the next, like, 2 hours hanging out with John Funeral Pyre shooting the shit over beerz and geeking out about the songwriting of Morrissey. An epic hang session, my brothers! On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Back at Casa de Umlaut I had a bowl of cereal.

Fear Factory / Amon Amarth
The Regency, San Francisco
April 9, 2010

The scheduling of this show was total bullshit, man. The show STARTED at 7:00pm... and since one of the opening bands didn't make it all the sets were pushed up as well. As a result, Amon Amarth (the only band I cared about..) were due to go on at 8:00pm, so all I had time to do after getting home from work was feed the animals and jump back into the Prius to battle rush hour traffic. Odin give me strength.

I'm happy to report that The Regency still has the most ridiculously thorough ass patting security check in The Bay Area outside of The Hall Of Justice or County Jail; luckily I hid all of my concert contraband up my ass. At Will Call my +1 was in place but my planned date couldn't make it due to the early set times. I asked the kid behind me in line if he had a ticket and he gave me a "WTF" look and said "No.." so I told the Will Call guy that the kid was my +1. The kid looked shocked and the Will Call guy had a look that said "That's the coolest thing I've seen all day.." Dudes, THAT'S what METAL is all about; Umlaut was just paying The Metal forward.

It's been 2 years since the Vikings last landed their long boats on the shores of San Franfuckincisco. This was only the 2nd show on the band's U.S. Tour and for the first couple of shows bassist Ted Lundström was at home in Valhalla due to the birth of a new member to his clan. As he has in the past, Steve Drennan was on the 4-string for the Swedes... However, Steve is English and considering how the Vikings treated Britain back in The Day I'm sure The Queen isn't happy about that.


I totally dig Amon Amarth's brand of Viking Metal since it's firmly grounded in Old European Metal, with actual guitar solos grounded in solid harmonies... and NO KEYBOARDS! HAIL. At one point a friend said Amon Amarth were sounding repetitive... Dude! That's the point! Repetitive Viking Metal = Viking rowing. It's music for pushing your long boats forward and for storming onto Christian shores to rape and pillage and pillage and rape. The music is also for synchronized hair swinging. The highlight of the set for Umlaut was 'Death In Fire'... "FIRE!!".. Odin be praised... but the kidz really went off during 'Guardians Of Asgaard". Trivia: When Umlaut was 18 I worked as a clerk at a liquor store chain called Asgard; one of the managers would score us booze AND we'd get an employee discount. HAIL.

Sidebar Rant: Seriously, Dethklok are basically an Amon Amarth cover band. I hope Brendon Small is paying Amon Amarth some kind of licensing fee for copping their sound for his animated entertainment empire.

It warmed my heart when Johann Hegg commented how it was nice to be playing in "The Home of American Metal"; a nice reality check about how the rest of the world views the San Franfuckincisco Bay Area. However, to the kid who was waving a NORWEGIAN flag early in the set: Uhhh... Amon Amarth are SWEDISH, dude... I know their flags look the same, but they are two different countries... really... they are... Public Schools Rule!

For the newbies: NORWAY on the left.. SWEDEN on the right. Tonight was a one-off show with Fear Factory headlining. I've never been a Fear Factory fan, but this was the last time I saw them:

The debut version of OzzFest in 1996 when it only played in Phoenix and San Bernardino. Unfortunately, my favorite memories of that day don't include Fear Factory. Trivia: I was on tour with Neurosis and San Bernardino was Sepultura's final U.S. show with the original lineup; Umlaut watched them from onstage and it was amazing. Biohazard were also on the bill and a porn movie was shot on their tour bus; I have a pic "somewhere" of Ron Jeremy walking past Neurosis' bus. Also, Sharon Osbourne gave Scott Kelly of Neurosis an armful of free OzzFest shirts (Sharon was courting Neurosis to sign with her record label at the time).

Fear Factory... Yes, the legend Gene Hoglan of Dethklok was on drums, but after a couple of songs my brain was telling me FOOD would be better for me than blast beats... and I kept having flashbacks to this day at work a couple of years ago:


Out on the sidewalk I almost ran into Johan Hegg... I shook his hand and he gave me a big Viking smile and said "Thanks!"... He had obviously gone back to the band's bus to change since he was wearing a nice button down shirt instead of the sweaty sleeveless black tee he'd had onstage. Viking GQ!

Kudos to the drunk kid who stumbled up to us in between bands and announced that it was his 23rd birthday and who slurred how happy he was that we were all there to celebrate with him... and that he couldn't find his friends. Kid, the ONLY friend you need is METAL. Remember that... always.

The merch line for Amon Amarth was insane after their set. Note to their merch company: I wish I had an Amon Amarth horn to drink my beer out of... If you bought one of every Amon Amarth merch item you would have paid $295. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Odin would have approved of the post-Viking Metal food session at Rosamunde in The Mission. HAIL.

School Night

Cannabis Corpse / Stormcrow / Vöetsek / Wasteoid / Sorrower
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
February 28, 2010



This was one of those shows I could easily have blown off given that it was a Sunday night and a battle with early commute traffic loomed for me the next morning. However, I sucked it up and ventured outside of the safe confines of Casa de Umlaut... and of course I'm glad I didn't puss out.

I made sure to get to Thee Parkside early for once to catch Sorrower since they're hometown mates of Umlaut friends Landmine Marathon and I had met Tim (bass) last year in Phoenix. Sorrower brought a little bit of Arizona to S.F. and played a tight set that ran all of 15 minutes... HOLY SHIT, they sure came a long way to spend so little time onstage. Respect... As they played a guy in a turquoise t-shirt started a mosh pit with himself in an awkward solo thrash session. Under different circumstances it could have been taken for a ritualistic reptilian mating dance... maybe.

The evening's next slot was filled by Wasteoid from Nebraska whose lineup is a dude on drums and another dude on bass and vocals. Their use of sampled dialogue as song intros gave them a crusty 1992 Neurosis vibe... but when Mr. Bass / Vox dedicated a song to his own asshole a generation gap opened up between myself and Wasteoid... call me old fashioned. As a result, I found the Freddie Krueger-style sweater that someone in front of me was wearing more interesting than what was onstage. Sorry, just being honest.

In between bands a classic "only in San Franfuckincisco" Metal Scene conversation erupted involving Umlaut... a member of Ludicra... a local photographer... a local music journalist... and a local Rock poster mogul. Classic.

Vöetsek are a veteran Bay Area band who took the stage with a cocky swagger and dove straight into a great set highlighted by Amy Lawless on the mic. The room was nicely filled and the band was rewarded with some very nice pit action for their Thrashy Hardcore volume. Vöetsek completely won me over when Amy dedicated a song to how completely sexy Lemmy is, which included "his balls and all". I'm almost positive it was the first time I've ever heard Lemmy's nads given props. The band's set closed with their inspired cover of Billie Holiday's 'Strange Fruit' and I flashed on the image of Lady Day running the pit for a second. Hot.

The last time I was in the same room as Stormcrow was when they supported Coffins last May. The band is classic East Bay Crusty all the way and it was kind of comforting smelling the crusty dreadlocks down front... just like back in The Day. Anyway, yeah.. Stormcrow fucking DELIVERED the fucking DOOM and at times it was like they were looking past the audience into a void and they were playing their music to appease that void... and at one point I was so blown away I tapped Photo Ray on the arm and said "Holy Fuck..." Focused... Brutal.. On another note, Stormcrow sported more Bolt Thrower merch onstage than any band I've ever seen. East Bay Crusties still rule, O.K... See them on tour in the States in May and June.

Sorry, dudes... I bailed before Cannibis Corpse even finished setting up their gear. I don't smoke dope no 'mo anyway.

A Stormcrow CD AND t-shirt cost $20 total... What a bargain! On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. As I turned onto my street, a RACCOON walked in front of my car. Is that a sign of something? If so, let me know...

Back To The Future

Swashbuckle / White Wizzard
January 28, 2010
Thee Parkside, San Francisco

The current "New Wave Of Traditional Metal" movement (aka NWOTHM) kind of freaks me out; are these kidz taking the piss out of Old Metal (aka MY Generation of Metal) or are they legitmate believers?? They mirror the same cheesy lyrics and good musicianship of the original New Wave Of British Heavy Metal (NWOBHM) bands, and even copy the same low-fi sounding mixes of the old recordings. However, it's weird for me to hear bands trying to recreate the low-fi Metal sound of the bands from my youth because that sound was a result of the old bands not being able to afford anything better. I've gone back and forth with the genre, but out of all the NWOTHM bands White Wizzard has won me over. As one friend said, they are more NWOBHM than alot of the original NWOBHM bands were..


Trivia: The art on White Wizzard's latest t-shirt was done by legendary artist Derek Riggs (For the newbies: Riggs did ALL of Iron Maiden's iconic artwork back in The Day). Also, the cover art for their upcoming new album Over The Top was done by the guy who does the art for Guitar Hero; I like how the band understands how to brand itself with strong art.

Art by Derek Riggs

When I arrived at Thee Parkside a line was wrapped around the corner and I met up with Montana Chris, who happened to be in town for work. Unfortunately, there was Will Call drama when my name wasn't on the White Wizzard guest list like it was supposed to be... but shit happens and we made it inside eventhough we had to listen to the set opener 'Over The Top' from outside...

I was very curious to see how this younger crowd would respond to White Wizzard's vintage style of Metal (aka harmonies... actual singing)... but I had nothing to worry about as the packed room felt like being in a time machine back to The Old Metal Days of the early-80's; the kidz *got it*... I was impressed how the band displayed the musicianship onstage that I was expecting, with the retro twin axe attack of Chad and Erik ringing like something being channeled from the past. It's true that most of White Wizzard's songs are variations of the "Iron Maiden gallop" (bass and drums pounding in unison like charging horses) but I don't have a problem with it. Good songs are good songs.. and as their set closed with 'White Wizzard' I could feel that the buzz about the band had been planted in San Francisco.

After the band's set we chatted with Jon (bass) at the merch table and I said that I, like, totally dig the new Over The Top CD... and he got a funny look on his face and said "You've heard it??"... DOH! Then I realized that the new disc hasn't been released yet (a February release date) and their label (Earache) had sent me an advance copy. Awkward... Dude! I didn't illegally download it!

I was not intending to stay for Swashbuckle's entire set, nor was I even expecting to remotely like them. I'd seen pictures of them and thought "WTF?! A Metal band from New Jersey who dress like fucking Pirates and who sing songs about being Pirates?? Fucking LAME..."... but, you know what, the schtick totally works live!


Onstage their sense of humor reminded me of BlöödHag in how the schtick and jokes are razor sharp and on target but they don't overdo it... and the crowd action in the packed room fed off the band's brand of old style Thrash Metal impressively; the Pirates obviously have a decent fanbase. The kidz in the crowd gave me a reality check during Swashbuckle's set and reminded me how FUN it could be seeing a band. The set's highlight featured two of the band's guests jumping onstage wearing parrot and shark costumes as they led the crowd in the song's chorus of "Yo Ho Ho!" and Admiral Nobeard (vox / bass), in keeping with the band's nautical theme, directed the crowd to form a "Wave of Death" (HaHa!) which they did despite the small space. I know, it sounds lame, but it totally worked. Pirate Metal... who woulda thunk? I'll gladly see Swashbuckle again if only to laugh... not at them.. but with them.

Also on the bill tonight was Tyr and Korpiklaani. Something I didn't mention earlier was the number of kidz in the house who were wearing chainmail, leather armor, and generally looking like they were at a D&D dress up party... I assumed they were there to see these two bands.. one who plays Viking Metal and the other Folk Metal. Okay, I'll admit Pirate Metal wasn't so bad... and I probably should have watched Tyr because I do like quite a bit of the Viking Metal stuff.. but my Old Metal soul simply can't abide Folk Metal... so after spending most of Tyr's set chatting with friends on the patio, and being introduced to Chad of White Wizzard, I made a early exit and rolled back into Casa de Umlaut at a decent hour.

Umlaut > Chad White Wizzard > Montana Chris

I meant to do a merch audit but ended up forgetting about it. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Metal is SO serious sometimes... and Umlaut does prefer his Metal SERIOUS and DARK.. but this show reminded me that, when I was a kid, Metal was also FUN... and it's cool to have fun even if you're an Old Fart Metalhead.. isn't it?

What's Next To The Moon

Secrets Of The Moon / Divine Heresy
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
October 30, 2009

Going into the show I didn't know much about Secrets Of The Moon other than (1) they are from Germany (2) they are on their first tour of the States and (3) Umlaut friend Midwest Metal Tom gave their recent Chicago show a positive review.

Secrets Of The Moon

This was a packaged bill with Moonspell and Divine Heresy... neither of whom I wanted to see... I was only there to see Secrets Of The Moon. Sorry, just being honest. Anyway, Halloween was in the air... but you'll never guess what color everyone was wearing in the club.... Nope! It was BLACK.. I know, right?

Unfortunately, they flip flopped the running order of the lineup tonight and Divine Heresy went on first; it was unfortunate because we had to suffer through their set. I don't want to waste too much time on this: The guitarist from Fear Factory is in the band. They were awful. Divine Heresy are the kind of Jock Metal band that ruined Metal for so long. A glance at the pit said it all: Mostly bald white boyz shoving one another; it wasn't even a proper pit... They were just shoving each other. Awful... but there were enough knuckle draggers in the house to make the band's set a success, and it bummed me out that crap had triumphed.

In hindsight it was probably a good thing that Divine Heresy played before Secrets Of The Moon (SOTM), because it gave the night perspective. It's always a little more interesting seeing a Metal band from Europe, if only because they've traveled all that way to play. You can generally tell if a band is from Continental Europe because they're wearing engineer boots. Check it out sometime.

I'll just cut to the chase: SOTM owned San Franfuckingcisco on this night.... COMPLETELY. Watching them reminded me of the first time I heard Celtic Frost... at least that's what popped into my head. You could tell this was a seasoned band and they made the absolute most of their time onstage... No bullshitting... No "It's so nice to be here on our first visit to America" banter... They didn't even really *look* at the audience... It was like they were looking past the audience into a void and they were playing their music to appease that void... I'm serious, man. SOTM performed on another, higher level than most bands that I've seen recently.


Although I was entranced by the entire band's performance, the rhythm section of LSK (that's her "name"...) and Thelemnar (that's his "name"...) was tight, I was particularly caught up in the black TONE that Ar (that's his "name"...) created on rhythm guitar as he wielded a 7-string Schecter axe. Evidently Ar is only a member of the touring band; interesting. At one point in their set, frontman sG (that's his "name"...) addressed the audience and said "We are Secrets Of The Moon and we are from The Old World.." He said that in such a matter-of-fact, confident, and bold way that I felt like I was only an infant in the presence of this band who had traveled from a country whose history extends back to Roman Times... and I wanted to join them to stare into that void they were trying to appease... and I did.. and I will.

After SOTM we headed back out into the black San Francisco night before Moonspell's set. I'm not a fan... just being honest. After SOTM there was no reason to watch another band on this night anyway.

If you bought one of every Secrets Of The Moon merch item you would have paid $40... and I did. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. According to the Umlaut Archives this was my 74th gig of 2009 and it's pretty fucking cool that at this point in the year I saw a band who blew me away.... COMPLETELY.

Tuesday's Gone

Book Of Black Earth / Landmine Marathon
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
August 11, 2009

In the waning hours of a Tuesday, I left Casa de Umlaut intending only to see one band... This was Umlaut's 4th show in 5 days in 3 cities and 3 states and I'm not quite caught up on the sleep yet.

Umlaut was introduced to Landmine Marathon via Cosmo Lee's excellent Invisible Oranges blog. After reading about them I got the band's Rusted Eyes Awake CD and pretty much listened to it alot, usually at night... usually while I was on the computer working.

Several months back when Landmine were planning this tour, they posted a message online asking for help in booking some West Coast dates. I assumed they were already aware of Whore For Satan, but I forwarded them the contact info anyway... and, lo and behold, that small gesture resulted in this show. In e-mails with the band I learned they had previously only played over in The East Bay at a house party and at Gilman, so this would be their first show in San Franfuckincisco. So there you go.

My apologies to the first 2 bands on the bill, but I planned my evening to be surgically precise and missed their sets. Doors at 8:00PM > Show at 9:00PM > Landmine 3rd band on > Me leave house at 10:05PM > Me walk into club at 10:20PM > Landmine hit the stage at around 10:35PM. That's pretty fucking surgical, right? Upon arriving at Thee Parkside I fell into formation with Hard Rock Chick and Photo Ray and it was go time, mofos.

In the months preceding this show, I became entangled with Landmine's music because of their combination of subtle molten death melodies and overt mayhem as presented on the Rusted Eyes Awake CD. When they hopped onstage at Thee Parkside and prepared to play my expections were like the calm before the storm... and when they hit the first note of the set opener 'Red Days' it was like a switch was flicked and all Hell broke loose.

I've said it in this space before, but my favorite bands are the ones who seize the moment and make it their own regardless of the size of the audience or venue; Landmine Marathon are one of those bands. Musically they are a sledgehammer of volume held together by subtle melody and dynamics. This musical sledgehammer is combined with vocalist Grace Perry, who fronts the band like a charismatic Velociraptor onstage; she leaps, slashes, and tears into her duties with a genuine fury.

Landmine's 35 minute set was an aural evisceration with 'Skin From Skull' being my favorite song of the night.. However, the set closing 'Bile Towers' that saw Grace leaping over the modest stage barrier into the crowd was the obvious highlight. Landmine were all fury and no filler, man. Fantastic.

To make things even more medieval, evidently Grace was performing with a suspected broken nose from the Long Beach show 5 days earlier. Wow... METAL!

I was intending to only stay for a couple of Book Of Black Earth songs, but the Seattle band won me over with their dark presentation. I found myself being drawn from leaning against the bar to leaning against guitarist TJ Cowgill's backline; I subconsciously had to get closer to what BOBE was doing. Good music, be it Death Metal or otherwise, has that effect on you sometimes...

In hindsight, it was not unlike stepping closer to someone swinging a shovel at my face... at least that's the analogy that just popped into my head this morning sans coffee. I tried to buy a CD from Book Of Black Earth after their set, but no one was manning their merch table... Dudes!

As I was turning to leave someone tapped my arm: It was Matt (bassist) of Landmine who said he recognized me from cyberspace. Doh! We chatted for a bit and I got the download on what the near future holds for the band (new album out early next year, etc.). Thanks for taking the time, Matt!

I've really been slacking on the merch audits of late, but Landmine CDs were $10 with a free sticker. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. All in all it was a damn good Tuesday night.

Suck It Up

Black Cobra
Thee Parkside, San Francisco
July 30, 2009

At 9:57PM this was the dilemma I found myself in:

1. One of my favorite bands was playing (Black Cobra).
2. A couple of my friends were playing (Black Cobra).
3. A band had put me on their guest list (Black Cobra).

So, despite being wiped out from the previous day's epic Metal Road Trip and adventure at The Magical Place, I sucked it up and rolled the Prius out of Casa de Umlaut at around 10:30PM... but not before making some coffee. Dude, I was TIRED... but I sucked it up and made my way to The Rock Show because that's what a FAN and a FRIEND does to support a band.. Seriously. Carpe diem, mofos!

Photo Ray had left the carnival coke mirrors that he'd won at the California Mid-State Fair the night before in my car, and by morning had decided he had no place for them. We all have to make hard decisions in life sometimes, man.. Unfortunately, I'm not in a good place right now to adopt a pair of carnival coke mirrors, so upon arriving at Thee Parkside I left the mirrors on the sidewalk across the street from the club and hoped some kindly (probably homeless) soul would take them and provide a good home for them. Bye bye carnival coke mirrors! Godspeed you magnificent bastards... godspeed..


ANYWAY... I made my way inside the crowded club and was immediately glad I'd decided to venture out. Within minutes I'd met up with Rafa, Jason, Justin, Dave, Billy as well as other local Music / Metal types who are considered friends of this space. The party on the patio out back was in full swing as Giant Squid were onstage, but I spent most of the time talking bizness with Justin at the merch table... Then, as Black Cobra were setting up, a bear wearing a Black Cobra shirt got the crowd primed by dancing with bar patrons as the house DJ played some Funk.

(Pic by Umlaut)

It was pretty funny... but at approximately 12:25AM it was time for The Volume to begin as Rafa and Jason commenced their set. You know, there are only a few bands over the years who have inspired me to use the term "force of nature" when attempting to describe their live performances; Black Cobra are one of those bands. It's the only analogy that fits for me... and perhaps I'm just lazy, but I use that description every time I "write" about them.. but it just fits what they create so perfectly. While watching them I always subconsciously want to grab onto the nearest thing that's bolted to the floor to prevent from being swept away on a wave of violent, brutal volume.

(Pic by Umlaut)

Thankfully I got up front in time to get a spot against the wall at stage left, which made standing up in my exhausted state that much easier... and I have to note that Black Cobra's up front fanbase seemed to be divided just about 50/50 between dudes and chicks, which I found interesting; their power speaks to everyone. The dynamic duo played an insanely tight 45 minute set that pretty much leveled the neighborhood and my head.. I then said a few quick goodbyes to folks (call me, dudes!) and it was back to The Prius for the quick drive back to Casa de Umlaut and SLEEP.

Epilogue: The carnival coke mirrors were gone from where I'd left them. I hope they are happy in their new home as I type this. Tap, tap, tap.... tap... snort.

Black Cobra's new album for the mighty Southern Lord Records (titled Chronomega) is slated for a worldwide release on September 29th. Rafa and Jason will celebrate the release with a 17-date tour in September / October of Japan and Australia, including a show in Tokyo with Coffins (!) and several shows in Australia with Nick Oliveri. You go, boyz! In the meantime, the band's 2006 Bestial CD was just given a deluxe reissue in Japan by Red Cobalt with new cover art by Alan Forbes as well as other premium extras. It sounds like a beautiful release... now if only someone can get me a copy (hint, hint..).

I didn't do a merch audit since I was basically hanging out with friends.. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. According to the Umlaut Archives this was my 44th gig so far this year... Hope I die before I get old.