Laptop Etiquette

Nile / Immolation / Krisiun
Slim's, San Francisco
January 30, 2010



This show marked the conclusion of Umlaut's 3 Nights Of Metal, with White Wizzard and Saint Vitus having occupied my previous 2 nights before this finale. Prior to the show Photo Ray and I stopped for food at the new location of Rosamunde Sausage Grill in The Mission. While the food lived up to the original Lower Haight location, there were an unusual number of Oriental hipsters in the place on this Saturday night (Note to the Federation of Oriental People (FOP): I didn't get the memo..). As we were walking up to Slim's we passed a sa-weet Immortal Toyota pickup.


Hopefully its Black Metal customization has protected it from the recent Toyota recall... HAIL.

This was the 3rd time in less than a year that Krisiun has come through San Franfuckincisco. The band last visited town 4 months ago so I was curious to see how they were holding up, since they've seemingly been on the road forever on this album cycle. Unfortunately, I have to say that the volume restriction that Slim's operates under really fucked up Krisiun's set for me. C'mon! A band like Krisiun onstage should have volume that makes your clothes move... Instead the volume level was typical of Slim's in recent times: A normal conversation was entirely possible no matter how hard the Brazilians raged onstage. However, despite the volume issue, Krisiun was the band Umlaut was there to see and the brothers delivered another strong set despite being 3rd on the bill. During Krisiun's set, Nile's merch guy played Solitaire on his laptop.. WTF?!

As Immolation set up, we recognized the waitress from Rosamunde Sausage Grill in The Mission as she entered the room. She had obviously come straight from work.. Nicely done, young lady.

For those keeping score, Immolation were the 2nd band from New York to come through S.F. with a name ending in "-tion" this month. I have to admit I've never been an Immolation fan, but the thing that came to mind while the crowd went off during their set is that there is a point where a dude's hair is TOO long and it crosses the line from being METAL to being HIPPIE... and Ross Dolan you've crossed that line, dude. When you can tuck your hair into your pants it's time to break out the patchouli; take 6 inches off and it'll be METAL again... sorry.. just being honest. On the other hand, Dolan's Noo Yawk accent totally made me want something from Nathan's. During Immolation's set, Nile's merch guy played Bejeweled on his laptop.. WTF?!

Nile are the type of band whose CD comes with a 24-page booklet with a ton of text and lyrics that I want to read... but come on, dudes.. it's impossible to read text that fucking small! Nile brings the blast beats with the best of them, but is it possible to O.D. on blast beats? Yes... yes it is possible. I gotta say that, eventhough this will lose me cred with the kidz, I didn't see why it was necessary for Karl Sanders to play a double neck guitar since all of Nile's songs sound the same live. There... I said it.

In case you hadn't noticed already, I was pretty underwhelmed by this entire evening. Slim's is rapidly becoming my least favorite local venue due to their ridiculous volume restriction (especially when the DNA Lounge next door can operate without such neutering of sound) and it's really affecting how much I enjoy bands there. I'm starting to second guess about even bothering to go to shows at Slim's, which is a bummer since I've been seeing bands there since the venue opened in 1988 (According to the Umlaut Archives tonight was approximately my 66th visit to the space).

As for the bands: I'm a Krisiun fan, but given this was their 3rd time through town on this tour I could only think about how I wished Alex would break character in between songs and talk to the crowd in his "normal" voice instead of his Krisiun Cookie Monster Metal voice. Also, although I do like the latest Nile album, both Immolation and Nile date from that time in Metal (the early-90's) when I wasn't *into* Metal, at least by the definition of that time. A quick review of the Umlaut Archives shows that back then I was heavily into bands like Neurosis, Melvins, Sleep... who weren't labeled "Metal" then, but they are considered "Metal" now... so does that mean in retrospect I really was Metal back then in a revisionist sort of way?? Confusing... Ironic... Discuss amongst yourselves.

Beer count for the night = 4. I didn't really pay that much attention to the merch because I was more caught up in what game Nile's merch guy was playing on his laptop. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags... and so ended Umlaut's 3 Days Of Metal... but it's still Saint Vitus, man... Saint Fucking Vitus... Still the show of the year so far.

Routine Metal

Obituary / Goatwhore / Krisiun
Slim's, San Francisco
September 10, 2009



Prior to the show Timo and I made a pre-Metal Show stop at The Irish Bank, which was unusually crowded with suits and tourists for a weeknight due to the day's heatwave weather. It was a routine visit to Umlaut's favorite fish 'n chips establishment... so let's move on.

Krisiun obliterated Slim's back in March and it was cool to see more people waiting to see them this time around. Man, Krisiun are total Road Dogs and have been on tour around the world from Brazil to Russia practically non-stop since the release of their latest album Southern Storm last Summer... and it looks like they won't be stopping until Christmas Day when they play a show in their Brazilian homeland. The fact they've been on the road for over a year was evident in how tight the 3 brothers are onstage... but it was cool how humble they are when addressing the crowd before brutal versions of songs like 'Slaying Steel'. Everything I said about Krisiun in this space back in March still rang true... When you see these 3 brothers from Brazil onstage the sense that the band is their only option in life is palpable.. and that survival instinct translates into everything they do. Krisiun are the real fucking deal, man.


In between bands I tried to do an audit of the dude-to-chick ratio and I couldn't count more than 11 chicks before the houselights went down... which, if my math is correct, made the dude-to-chick ratio about 18-1. You gotta like them odds, right ladies?

Goatwhore hit the stage with 2 older songs and I had that feeling of deja vu when the band had underwhelmed me several times in the past. However, from the 3rd song on their set consisted of songs from their excellent latest album (Carving Out The Eyes Of God) and the difference between the old and new songs was obvious. When they launched into new songs such as 'Apocalyptic Havoc' it showed that the band's improved songwriting and execution as musicians (especially Sammy on guitar) has taken them to a whole other level over the past couple of years. At one point Ben told the crowd that it was O.K. to download their new album, but to at least buy some merch to help support the band. A sympathetic fan standing next to me responded with "I only download porn!" Metal.

Goatwhore had an impressive range of merch for sale... and my Inner Metalhead was very tempted to support the band... but I asked myself "Will I really wear a shirt that says "Goatwhore" that often?"... and unfortunately my Inner Old Fart said "Uhhh, no... no you won't.."... so no merch purchases for Umlaut.. although I probably could have worn the shirt that said "Stay Sick, Stay Fuck, Hail Satan" while doing yardwork. Regrets. Hope I die before I get old.


After Goatwhore's blistering set I could have bailed and returned to Casa de Umlaut, since I was only there to see the middle bands. Next up were Florida Death Metal legends Obituary, and I'm man enough to admit I've never been into them. However, I got caught up in the crowd's excitement over the headliner and liked their sludgy and humid guitar tone which came across as very Southern to my ears. Also, Obituary probably had the silliest (in a good way) Metal stage backdrop that I'll see this year. It featured the cover art from their latest album:


Dragon? Check. Dude in armor swinging a big ass sword? Check. Dragon blood splatters? Check. Bats? Check. I was into their set for the first 4 songs or so... and then it all started sounding the same... so Photo Ray, Timo, and I had one more beverage before calling it a night.

Kids who gave me props for my General Surgery shirt = 1. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. This was a very routine night for Umlaut.. everything was surgically precise and I had the Prius docked back at Casa de Umlaut by around 11:30PM... but Metal's not just a job, it's an adventure.. even the routine nights.

Schnitzel

Destruction / Krisiun
Slim's, San Francisco
March 23, 2009

Achtung! What should we do before seeing a legendary German Thrash Metal band like Destruction to celebrate a birthday (Birthday Boy = Umlaut's brutha Dave...)?? Why, have a pre-show dinner at a place called Schnitzelhaus of course! Which was the plan..... except Schnitzelhaus decided to close on Mondays and not announce it on their web site (Dummkopf!). However, a backup German restaurant popped into our heads and the Umlaut crew ended up at Walzwerk instead. It was funny that we had a "backup" German restaurant: METAL! After our triumphant Teutonic meal, we few... we happy few.. made our way to Slim's.

Of course, given the METAL nature of the show, the Umlaut Nation was out in force.. so a shout out to Birthday Boy Dave, Lori, Timo, Johnny, Rich, Ray, Alan, Taija, Tom, and Gary... and Jenn was in the house but I failed to see her. DOH.

To be honest, I was mainly there to see the Brazilian Metal Gods Krisiun, who I've never seen before despite the fact they've been pounding Metal for almost 20 years now (I know, I'm a poser!). Question for people my age: Remember the first time you saw Metallica, Slayer, or Sepultura back in The Day and they had that hungry look in their eyes that said "Day jobs are NOT an option for us!".. THAT'S what you see in Krisiun's eyes onstage... and the fact that the band is made up of 3 brothers makes their "us against the world" vibe all the more legitimate.

Another question for people my age: Remember the first time you heard or saw Randy Rhoads play back in The Day? THAT'S how I felt watching Moyses play; I can't remember the last time I watched a guitarist's fingers literally blur across his strings as he stabbed an audience with notes. Unbelievable.. It made me angry that so many people were at home on this Monday night pushing plastic buttons on a fake guitar instead of standing next to me supporting a legitimate Guitar Hero like Moyses and his brothers.


Destruction has been around forever and they sounded alright, but after Krisiun's Brazilian juggernaut I simply could not get into the old Germans. I spent most of their set chatting with Old Metal Tom, who I've known for over 25 years (!); we even talked through the drum solo... I know... drum solo?! What year is this again? Sorry, but I like my CHEESE on some nice crackers with a glass of red wine and not onstage these days. However, I was paying attention when the Germans dedicated a song to Baloff, which acted as a nice segue into me introducing Birthday Boy Dave to Gary Holt, who I've known for over 25 years (!). Yes, there were quite a few old Metalheads in the house.

The Guitarist > The Birthday Boy

It was a bummer that Slim's was only half full for these two veteran bands. When you see seasoned bands like Destruction and Krisiun you realize just how crappy most of the newer Metal bands are these days. Note to new bands: If you're in a Metal band you should have long hair. No haircuts! Long hair is what separates METAL from the Punks and Jocks.. There, I said it.

If you bought one of every Krisiun merch item you would have paid around $120. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I just want to state publicly that I hope the rumors about Slim's closing are not true, but the fact that the club has to adhere to a volume restriction is not a good sign.

Click HERE to see Taija Lynn's Krisiun photos from the show.