Umlaut's Mercury Program

This one's for the NASA / Space Geeks: The exciting sequel to Hey Baby, It's the 4th of July and Twenty Years Ago Today: January 28th!

As I've mentioned in my previous Space Geek posts, I was paid by NASA from 1990-92; it was my first "real" job after years of working in bookstores. In hindsight, it was a big adjustment for me to be thrust into the Corporate Work World like that... and the fact that my cherry was popped as an employee of the U.S. Government made it even more jarring.

As a reaction to my culture shock, I started writing a newsletter called This Week At NASA that I gave to my civilian friends; I typed and xeroxed copies on the U.S. Government's time and equipment and used stolen NASA letterhead. A traitor? I considered myself a patriot!

This Week At NASA was my first attempt at putting a 'zine into orbit; after several issues I expanded the newsletter into the first issue of the original xeroxed Umlaut 'zine... I also stopped using U.S. Government copying equipment and upgraded to Kinko's; the rest is history. Houston, Tranquility Base here, The Eagle has landed.

What follows are the surviving issues of This Week At NASA... There were a few others but unfortunately they've been lost over the years... I know, bummer. I'd like to think they're floating around "out there" like Voyager 1; perhaps mankind will find them again someday.

Reading these silly newsletters again made me remember what a wacky and fun workplace the National Aeronautics and Space Administration could be despite the clusterfuck tendencies of the place. To quote Capt. James Tiberius Kirk of the United Federation of Planets: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... Message Spock?"

Sometime in 1991:




May 1991:




Feb. 1992 (originally printed in Umlaut #1):



For the Music Geeks: The admin in the library was married to a roadie for Chicago and would often wear a Chicago crew jacket to work. I know... I made fun of it all the time 'cause, like, Chicago SUCKS. If I remember correctly she eventually broke up with the Road Dog and hooked up with the library's IT guy (cue '25 or 6 to 4').

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Addendum:

I had forgotten about one of my other duties at NASA: Besides being a "Receivals Technician" in the Acquisitions Dept., I was also the Editor in Chief of the Technical Information Division (TID) newsletter, TIDbits.

Geddit?! TID! Bits!!

It was that kind of analytical wit that got me the gig... but to be honest, I don't have any entertaining memories from this publishing experience. The other members of the newsletter's staff were from other TID departments and the majority of them didn't have a sense of humor and took the project way too seriously. However, I was allowed to get away with some very mild Umlaut-style humor at times:



Shite, that baby is in high school now!

Eventually, NASA became an unbearably anal environment to work and I moved on. However, seeing this stuff again made me realize that working there was the inspiration for me to get the old xeroxed Umlaut 'zine going; I needed a creative outlet against the crushing boredom of the job... So I suppose NASA should get credit for the old 'zine and, by extension, this blog. To quote Spock: "Fascinating."

On another note: Unfortunately, I never kept in touch with Jim, my actor co-worker at NASA. His acting resume on IMDB is impressive:

• "Breaker High" .... Burrito Vendor (1 episode, 1998) - Max-He-Can Hat Dance (1998) TV Episode .... Burrito Vendor
• Raising Cain (1992) .... Night clerk
• Stryker's War (1985)
  
• Ms. 45 (1981) .... Extra
• The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat (1974) (voice)
• "Perry Mason" .... Policeman #2 (1 episode, 1966) - The Case of the Misguided Model (1966) TV Episode .... Policeman #2
• "The Twilight Zone" .... Air Force Staff Sgt. (1 episode, 1959) - Where Is Everybody? (1959) TV Episode .... Air Force Staff Sgt.
• "Suspicion" (2 episodes, 1958) - A Touch of Evil (1958) TV Episode and The Last Town Car (1958) TV Episode
• "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" (1 episode, 1958) - The Motive (1958) TV Episode
  

Yep, Jim appeared in an episode of the "Twilight Zone"! He also contributed quite a bit to the first issues of the original xeroxed Umlaut. If anyone knows where Jim is these days, lemme know. To quote Tom Hanks as Jim Lovell: "Gentlemen, it's been a privilege flying with you.."

Twenty Years Ago Today: January 28th

Today marks the 20th Anniversary of the Challenger Disaster.


Besides being a Music Geek and a History Geek, Umlaut is also a Space Geek. Back in 1986, Umlaut was giving college "another go" (as the Brits say). Ironically, I was enrolled in an Astronomy class on January 28, 1986. After hearing about the explosion at home I spent the morning watching the news broadcasts on t.v. with the class. I was very caught up in the event.

Five years later, Umlaut was working at NASA.

I shit you not.

One of my Music Geek roommates and I both worked in the NASA / Ames Research Library at Moffett Field in Mt. View, California. For those who care, I was in the Acquisitions Dept. and in charge of ordering books for the library and its satellite location at Edwards Air Force Base. My bookstore experience actually proved valuable in The Real World. Who woulda thunk?!

I'd like to say that Christa McAuliffe inspired me to pursue a career with NASA.... but, in reality, I had dropped out of college again and I got the gig because my roommate already worked there and he recommended me. My interview was almost a formality. It was one of the easiest jobs I've ever gotten.

By 1991, shuttle missions were happening regularly again. Whenever a launch or landing took place during business hours, a t.v. was set up in the library's lobby and patched into the live NASA feed. It was pretty cool. Also, mission decals (featuring the mission's logo) would be given out to every employee:

(From the Umlaut Archives)

By my count there were at least 14 shuttle missions in the 1 1/2 years I worked at NASA. Trivia: As a prequel to the original Umlaut fanzine, I wrote a couple of newsletters telling anecdotes about my NASA experiences. I'd print these on stolen NASA letterhead and distribute them to civilian friends. I'll eventually post the newsletters in this space (pun intended). In the meantime, click HERE to read about one of Umlaut's NASA Adventures.

One of the NASA managers associated with the library had an autographed photo of Christa McAuliffe in his office. I always privately geeked out over it every time I saw it.

Yeah, it was kinda cool to say I worked "at NASA", and I think my parents started to see that I wasn't a fuck up after all (I just did things my own way). But working for the U.S. Government SUCKED. Having to deal with micromanaging supervisors... Having to interact with asshole military personnel (at the time Moffett Field was still a Navy base). Also, because Moffett Field was a U.S. Government site, even lowly library civilians were required to obtain a U.S. Government security clearance. So, I had to endure an FBI background check (including a drug test)... But that's a story for another time. Now, now... you'll just have to be patient.

In hindsight, my NASA Days were a trippy prequel to another adventure Umlaut would have in a galaxy far, far away some years later.

Ground Control to Major Tom.

Hey Baby, It's The 4th of July

Wow, another July 4th is here already?! CRAZY. In this time of heightened patriotic fervor, I can't help but think back to the first Gulf War since it was the war to end all wars in Iraq.. Believe it or not, back in 1990-92 Umlaut was an employee of the U.S. Government. I was stationed (err, employed) at the NASA / AMES Research Center. My work there was classified... but since you're all friends I can tell YOU that I worked in the library. Now, remember that telling anyone else this information would be a breach of national security.. and I'd have to kill you, 'kay?

In 1990-91 this great nation was embroiled in the First Gulf War and since NASA / Ames was part of Moffett Field (which at the time was still an active military base) the site was treated just like any other sensitive government facility in wartime. Security was as tight as a (insert your favorite naughty analogy here). Security passes and I.D. badges were worn at all times. Marines armed with M-16's stood guard at the main entrance gate and scrutinized everyone entering the base. Wartime brings out the best and brightest paranoia, dontcha know.

One morning I realized that I had left my NASA I.D. badge at home... Fawk me. The procedure if you didn't have your I.D. was to stop at the Pass Office and obtain a temporary day pass. It was a pain in the ass AND I would then be late for work. To put it simply, working for The Government (aka The Man) is like working for THE most anal, micro-managing boss you can imagine... Being late for work was like spitting on Old Glory. However, I suppose this country was made great by that kind of management style, right?

Anyway, I had to make a snap decision... Detour to the Pass Office or risk having my Ford Fiesta riddled with bullets. I chose the latter. In a moment of inspiration I grabbed the nearest thing within reach: a cassette of Guns 'N Roses' Appetite For Destruction.. I quickly took out the insert card and as I passed the Marine guard I held it up. Without batting an eye he waved me through... and I made it to work on time.

"You're in The Jungle babee... You're gonna die."

We won that war, so no harm done, right?

As you can imagine there was plenty of wacky hijinx when "us" civilians from NASA encountered the jarhead military folks from Moffett Field. You haven't felt like an American until you've been talked down to in an incredibly condescending way by a man wearing the uniform of the U.S. Military. I'm sure my long Grunge-era hair made me look like a faggot in their eyes... or maybe my long faggot Asian Grunge hair reminded them of that Asian prostitute back on Okinawa.. Me love you long time, Joe!

"Her long hair reminds me of a warm safe place, where as a child I'd hide.."