The Ecstasy Of Gold

The exciting sequel to Damage Inc..

Metallica
Salesforce 2015 Kickoff Party
Pier 48, San Francisco, California
February 9, 2015

Sometimes the Rock Godz work in mysterious ways... The week before tonight I found myself at a small social gathering with these things as the guests of honor:

Three in 5 years... Duck The Fodgers!  Yes... Metallica have their own clubhouse where they hang out with each other and put shit their fans throw at them onstage on the walls.  Oddly, there are no bras on display.  Lock 'N Loll?

Anyway,  I was minding my own business on the following Friday afternoon when I answered a phone call from Metallica's office asking if I would be "around" on Monday.  I thought about it and answered "Why.. Yes I will be "around" on Monday.." and was informed that the band were playing a "secret show" in San Francisco and that I was invited to attend.  Well, isn't that nice?  Lock 'N Loll.

Fast forward to the following Monday and it wasn't until around 5:00pm that I got the details about where and when to go for this "secret show".  Ironically, it ended up being at Pier 48 which is directly across McCovey Cove from my beloved AT&T Park.   When I arrived at the "secret" location it could not have been easier to gain entry.

Free parking?  Check.
My name on the guest list?  Check.
Only person wearing a Motörhead hoodie?  Check.

Once inside it was like entering the cover of the Load album except it was filled with table after table after table after table of free food and alcohol that seemed to go on forever. 

Umlaut goes into The Void

I won't dwell too much on the fact that tonight was a corporate gig with the band playing a private party for the employees of Salesforce to celebrate the end of their fiscal year.  If you can make it, take it.  We should all be so lucky to work for a company whose CEO is a Metallica fan who has enough disposable wealth to hire them to play his parties instead of Kanye West or Katy Perry. Anyway...

I had been told that the band would go on at 9:15pm but even after walking to the very end of the massive space I had no idea where they would be playing.  Very bizarre..  Then I stopped to chat with someone I know from the band's camp who also didn't know where the stage was..  Randomly, a passing food server overheard us talking and informed us that the hall was curtained off at the far end and it would be opened soon and that's where the stage was... She explained that it was set up that way so the "Metallica fans" would mingle instead of going straight to the stage to wait for the band. Ooookaay... I didn't see any obvious Metallica fans amongst the hundreds of suits and business casual folks around me... but whatever.  Armed with this new information, I headed back towards the far curtained off area and.. lo and behold.. it had indeed opened to reveal a modest stage at the far end.  Lock 'N Loll.

[Photo courtesy of Metallica.com]

I hadn't seen Metallica live in over 2 years and I will admit my jaded self got excited when I saw how intimate the show would be up close.  Despite the modest surroundings the stage allowed for "fans" to stand around it on 3 sides and then there were sections on either side with mics setup so it looked like a miniature stadium stage.  As I sipped my complimentary beer the band were late getting the party started... So I took out my iPhone and was posting something to my personal social media when a Salesforce employee next to me said something about not to hashtag "Salesforce" because this was a "secret" event.  My reply was "I don't work for Salesforce..." which caught Mr. Nosey off guard for a second until he then asked "How did you get in??" (I could see the wheels turning in his head about calling security...) but all I said was "I'm with the band..."   Was that a dick move on my part?  Maybe... because I wasn't really "with" the band.. but it shut him up.

Anyway, the house lights didn't go down until after 9:30pm when the CEO of Salesforce came out to address his minions and introduce the entertainment for the evening.  There was no 'Ecstasy Of Gold' intro tape and the hometown band casually launched straight into 'Hit The Lights' followed by 'Master Of Puppets'..

"Master..."

I quickly forgot about where I was and just focused on watching the band play because it was the closest I'd been to them onstage in a very long time.  I noticed that they all wore off-the-shelf shoes; Robert had on his signature pair of Vans.  It's the little things. During 'Sanitarium' this dude knelt down in front of me and we both had a flashback to The Stone, San Francisco - 1983:

2015

1983

The more things change, the more they stay the same... As the song ended that dude started to walk back towards the drum riser but turned and tossed this to me.. which I caught in midair (natch!):

Battle scarred by stage use...

It would be easy to dismiss this performance but, in the spirit of simply having fun and not being a negative creep, I realized it was just like watching the band rehearse.  There was no real pressure on them since they weren't playing for *their* crowd.  It was a casual audience at best.  There was free food and open bars everywhere.  It was probably the best free concert I've ever seen.  Also, it had been many, many years since the last time I was against a stage during a Metallica set and felt it vibrate from the volume.  It was cool.

A solid 14 song setlist... All killer and no filler.  There was no production and no intro tapes; it was a performance basically stripped down to the very bare essentials and that made it unique despite the corporate nature of the event.  Like I just said, it was like watching the band rehearse but they did break a sweat.  However, it was awkward when the Salesforce crowd chanted "Yeah!" instead of "Die!" during 'Creeping Death'.   I literally laughed out loud.. Yeah.. awkward.  For those who care the setlist was:

• Hit the Lights
• Master of Puppets
• Welcome Home (Sanitarium)
• Sad But True
• The Unforgiven
• Fuel
• Wherever I May Roam
• One
• For Whom the Bell Tolls
• Battery
• Nothing Else Matters
• Enter Sandman

 Encore:

• Creeping Death
• Seek & Destroy

Not bad for a free show on a Monday night, man.

Before the band came out I chatted with another Salesforce employee next to me who works at their office in Australia.  He was a legit Metallica fan and out of his mind with excitement and couldn't believe they were playing his company party.  A nice guy who also had a proper camera with him:

  [Photos courtesy of Nish Veer]

"We're scanning the scene at Salesforce tonight.. We're looking for YOU to start up a fight!" 

The party closed with the standard 'Seek And Destroy' and it was nice to see the song done without the beach ball drop that happens at "real" Metallica shows these days.  It's bizarre to me how 'Seek' has become the "party" song of a Metallica set when back in The Day it was a song that made me want to fuck shit up.  Weird...  Hope I die before I get old.

Anyway, as the song ended and The Four Horsemen took their bows, The Master Of Puppets turned around, caught my eye, and tossed one of his sweat-soaked wristbands to me... Uhhh...  I picked it up, looked to see if it even had the band's name on it (which it did not) and then I said out loud "This is fucking gross.." and tossed it onto the drum riser.  In hindsight I should have probably kept it to sell on Ebay, right?  Oh well.. Honesty is my only excuse. I mean, how would he feel if I tossed my dirty laundry at him in public?

Tonight's corporate gig was much better than the Salesforce gig 3 years ago, but that was because I had made the effort to be right up front against the stage and not 50 yards back standing with indifferent hors d'oeuvre swilling guests who would have been much happier if their CEO had hired Kanye West or Katy Perry to perform instead.  I had fun.  I ate and drank for free.  I was home in 20 minutes.

There was no Metallica merch for sale.  On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag.   After I got home this text exchange happened between Umlaut and the Master Of Puppets:

Awww.. Battery is found in me.

World Painted Blood

The other night Umlaut was having dinner with some old friends in The Mission District of San Francisco.  Near the end of the meal one of the friends mentioned how he thought there was a mural nearby that included some old school looking Metalheads.  Odd, right?!  Umlaut lived in The Mission in the early-90's but I had never heard of such a mural but it sounded awesome.

However, my friend couldn't remember exactly where it was and it had been at least 7 or more years since he'd last thought about it.  Since his memory said the mural was sort of on the way back to our cars we headed in that direction... and after walking down a side street we came across a crazy cool mural painted on the side of a building!

It had various scenes of Mission and San Francisco life and seemed to date from 1980's S.F. since there were details like Joe Montana in his full Niners glory depicted... and near the end of the mural were these two dudes:

Heaven & Hell

Show No Mercy

To quote Slayer:  "Trapped in purgatory... A lifeless object alive.."   Of course, The Interwebs was able to reveal the story of this awesome mural.  It was done in 1985 so it does date from the time of the original Old Metal Days of San Francisco!  Amazing!!

Click HERE for the story and location of this piece of San Francisco art history.

To quote Dio-era Black Sabbath:  "If it seems to be real.. It's illusion.."

Screaming In The Night

The exciting sequel to San Francisco!


Who: Krokus - Screaming In The Night (1983)
Where: Baker Beach, The Presidio

It's funny how the Krokus video from Umlaut's recent San Francisco post inspired alot of e-mails from readers of this space; I now stand corrected about the filming location, which I had always thought was The Marin Headlands. Also, I just knew that several members of The Umlaut Nation would bite on sharing their experiences at the filming with me (HA!).

Submitted by Dalia:

Screaming In The Night was filmed at Baker Beach. Trust me, I was there (was it me you were referring to cutting school to be an extra or one of your many other legion?). You can see me in the parade if you don't blink and freeze frame, I'm walking next to Randy Bachman.

Dalia (on the right) at the 1:01 minute mark!

I had forgotten Jane Dornacher was in it. R.I.P.

Given Dalia's insight I stand corrected: The 'Screaming In The Night' video WAS filmed in San Francisco! Krokus..... Dog bless 'em.. and right behind Dalia's account came Leah's memory of the day:

That's funny.. I did cut school with a bunch of friends and was an extra in that Krokus shoot at Baker Beach too! Brings back some memories to be sure. I recall wearing some weird ensemble of red and gold rags as a dress and they ratted our hair up, oh The Eighties....

... and then came another classic San Francisco Metal memory from Old Metal Erik:

OK, Mr. Umlaut Man. I, too, was there, and I feel compelled to share my memories. Yep, I remember the day well.

My friend Crystal had heard the announcement on KRQR that they would be filming at the Baker Beach bunkers, and they were inviting people to participate as extras. What?! A new Krokus video being filmed on the beach and spitting distance from our school campus??!! We had quite a little cluster of Metalheads at George Washington High, and had no problem recruiting a small posse to ditch class and go make a Metal video. Hell yeah!

We made our way to the bunkers, and waited for hours with a crowd of extras before being called into the "hair and make-up" trailer. They dressed us up like a bunch of weird futuristic peasants, gave us crappy box lunches and made us wait around some more.

Our big break comes about 4 minutes and 25 seconds into the video, when Marc Storace escapes his captors by climbing down a mysterious ladder into some strange diner. When he looks up at the TV in the corner, he sees himself performing in front of a crowd of weird futuristic peasants, and there we are, fist-banging away to one of the tamest "Metal" songs ever. Does it even qualify?

George Washington High down front at the 4:25 minute mark!

The only real excitement of the day was when one of our posse decided to steal a large case filled with camera lenses, belonging to the late great photographer Randy Bachman. I won't name the culprit, but it's safe to say that he is well known to many within The Umlaut Nation. Since Baker Beach is in The Presidio, which at the time was still an Army base, the Military Police were involved, and Randy got his lenses back.

Not the funnest day, but it definitely beat going to school! Plus, we all got Headhunter shirts, which I never wore; it's probably still in a box in my garage. Anyway, Krokus had already lost the plot at that point, and were obeying bad advice from lame American Record Execs. This video is evidence of that fact. I'm gonna go crank up Metal Rendezvous or Hardware, for old time's sake...

Trivia: The late photographer Randy Bachman also appeared in the Scorpions - 'No One Like You' video.

Click HERE and HERE to see Umlaut's Krokus memories... For a brief moment in time, that band from Switzerland actually meant something to me. Remember when Krokus toured with Motörhead in 1982? Me too..

'American Woman' 7" single - 1982
(From the Umlaut Archives)

San Francisco

I was bored and this post is the result... I'm sure there are other videos featuring *my* city, but these are the ones that popped into my head. Of course, the Krokus video technically wasn't filmed *in* S.F., but the location is just on the other side of The Golden Gate Bridge... AND I know there are at least a couple of people reading this space who cut school to be extras in the video (wink wink).

Note: I couldn't embed the Yeah Yeah Yeahs video, so click on the link below the screencap... Also, I only "discovered" The Hooters video a couple of weeks ago when I channel surfed onto VH1 Classic while it was on. There was a time when The Hooters could pack The Warfield? Who knew!?

Who: Scorpions - No One Like You (1982)
Where: Alcatraz

Who: The Hooters - Day By Day (1986)
Where: Fort Point, Land's End, The Warfield


Who: Frehley's Comet - Into The Night (1987)
Where: North Beach


Who: Exodus - The Toxic Waltz (1989)
Where: The Fillmore


Who: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Zero (2009)
Where: Chinatown, North Beach, The Warfield


Who: Krokus - Screaming In The Night (1983)
Where: The Marin Headlands

Poser

Longtime San Francisco Chronicle music hack Joel Selvin has written another error-riddled piece about Bay Area Music history:

The Chronicle's Bay Area musical history tour

• Ummm... Zeppelin made their final Bay Area appearance with Bonham in OAKLAND, not S.F.... and it wasn't his final show with the band. However, the Oakland show was Bonham's final show in America.
  
• The Metallica house was NOT at the location Selvin identifies. The actual Metallica Mansion was at 3132 Carlson Avenue in EL CERRITO (not Richmond). Selvin also noted this incorrect address in his 1996 book San Francisco: The Musical History Tour: A Guide to Over 200 of the Bay Area's Most Memorable Music Sites... which means alot of tourists have been visiting the wrong house all these years. Oh well!
  

Many Music Geeks of my generation have wanted to slap Selvin repeatedly over the years. Umlaut still has Selvin's patronizing and dismissive review of Metallica's 1985 San Francisco show in his scrapbook.

A note for the newbies: DO NOT believe everything you read by Mr. Selvin. Yes, he's been covering Bay Area Music since, like, 1906 or something.. but he is not the official Historian of Bay Area Music.

Slim's Turns 20

I was wondering about this recently: Slim's does celebrate its 20th Anniversary this year. Click HERE for Joel Selvin's tribute in the San Francisco Chronicle. However, since Selvin's coverage of music in the Bay Area has annoyed me since I was a teenager, I felt compelled to issue my own tribute to Slim's.

According to the Umlaut Archives, I attended my first show there a month after it opened on October 25, 1988 to see Maria McKee (Does anybody remember Lone Justice?? Anyone?). Over the past 20 years I've seen approximately 60 shows at the venue. While Selvin's highlights are entertaining, here are some of my Slim's highlights off the top of my head:

• February 19, 1990 - Richard Thompson.. I went because I'd heard his Small Town Romance album played over and over in the bookstore where I worked.
  
• March 18, 1990 - Warren Zevon.. I'm really glad I saw him live.
  
• February 21, 1992 - Dick Dale.. As Selvin said in his article, Dale's first performance ever outside of SoCal. He shredded, dude.
  
• November 24, 1992 - PJ Harvey.. On her first tour when she still played guitar fronting the power trio of herself, Steve Vaughn, and Robert Ellis.

• February 22, 1993 - Uncle Tupelo / Stimmies... A fun night for many reasons.
  
• August 2, 1994 - Melvins / Sleep / Acid King.. An epic bill!
  
• June 9-10, 1996 - Metallica.. The Millionaire Rock Stars' first local club shows in 11 years.. As Selvin noted in his article, Chris Isaak was in attendance and we followed him when exiting one of the shows; I wasn't impressed, but the chicks dig him.
  



• August 3, 2003 - The Libertines.. Sans Pete Doherty due to his visa problems, but still a fun show on their debut U.S. Tour.
  
• November 21, 2003 - The Darkness.. Few saw them, but they were a GREAT live band.. Seriously... and this show inspired me to travel to Cleveland to see them. Seriously.
  
• October 18, 2006 - Boris / Acid King.. My birthday celebrated with volume.. Aww.
  
• July 27, 2007 - Grinderman.. Nice Cave & Co. in a club!
  
• October 29, 2007 - Gojira.. They were 3rd on the bill and were simply the most amazing live Metal band I've seen in ages.. Seriously.. AND they're from FRANCE!
  

Those are the shows that pop into my head after one cup of coffee... although I also must add all four Redd Kross shows that I saw at Slim's from 1992-2007. Anyway, those are my Slim's memories pulled out of my ass on a Sunday morning. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Anyway, while Slim's is not the perfect venue by any stretch of the imagination, it is nice to have some semblance of music tradition in San Francisco here in the 21st Century... but it is weird that Slim's has become the de facto Metal venue in S.F., right? Discuss amongst yourselves.

The Streets Of San Francisco

The story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent... This picture was taken sometime in the 90's at a Motörhead show in San Francisco:

(Photo courtesy of Mike Meals)

The SFPD officer in the picture was working security at the show... but in his youth, that SFPD officer was a member of the San Francisco Metal Scene. Back in The Day, he was nicknamed "James Maiden" because his favorite band was... Iron Maiden.

Umlaut has a vivid memory of the teenage Officer Maiden dropping a tab of acid for Iron Maiden at the Oakland Coliseum Arena on September 4, 1982; Maiden were the middle band at a show headlined by the Scorpions (on the Blackout Tour) and opening act Girlschool.

The last time Umlaut saw Officer Maiden was in the late-80's on the campus of SFSU. Over the years I heard about his career in the SFPD and also that he had eventually moved up the ranks to become a detective in his hometown... Just like Harry Callahan!

If anyone knows where Officer Maiden is these days please let Umlaut know... Go ahead, make my day. Otherwise I'm sure he's protecting innocent citizens somewhere... and I'd like to think he's wearing a bullet belt while doing it.


To quote Iron Maiden: "Murders in the Rue Morgue, someone call the gendarmes..."

Big Wayne remembers Officer Maiden: He would always greet us by saying "Boys, boys, boys!" One of my fondest memories was when he was schooling all of us that GBH was complete bullshit and the one true music was Discharge and that we were ignorant posers for thinking otherwise. I would love the drunken band debates in the parking lots surrounding Ruthie's Inn.

Old Metal Erik remembers Officer Maiden: OK...I have some clarification for you... The other people pictured are Old Metal J.D., Old Metal Hajek, and Old Metal Myself.

That Motörhead show was at The Haze Theater (16th Street / Harrison) circa-1993 and Officer Maiden was not working security at the show but was actually on duty with his black and white double parked in front of the venue with its yellow lights-a-flashin'. Abuse of power? Discuss amongst yourself.

I was DJing the show that night and I vividly remember someone offering Lemmy a "bump" from a small bag of powder. Lemmy promptly accepted and poured the entire contents straight down his gullet, followed immediately by a huge swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels. The man is legendary for a reason!

I digress... Officer Maiden's career is highly ironic, as I remember ditching a keg and running from the cops with him, on acid, through Lincoln Park in S.F.'s Richmond District. At the time he was wearing his original uniform of an Iron Maiden t-shirt and camouflage vest, hence his other nickname: "Flage".

Amazing where life has taken some of the old S.F. Metal Alumni, isn't it??!!?? Bang on, brother!

Old Metal Hiro remembers Officer Maiden:


Mike Meals remembers Officer Maiden: Officer Maiden was on duty watching Motörhead when that photo was taken, and my first glimpse of him was while the rest of us were smoking a big fatty and I remember saying "Holy shit! There's a cop standing right next to us!", to which someone said "Relax... That's not a cop. That's The Flage!". Great night.

Police Story

Back in September, Umlaut friend Miatomic's car was stolen... but that was only the beginning of her odyssey!

"WTF" doesn't do her experience justice.

Click HERE to read the coverage given to the incident in the San Francisco Chronicle!!

Click HERE to read Miatomic's own account of the absurd events!

Police Story #2: Umlaut friend Guitar God Doug P. submitted this...

So my friend Ken has a tenant downstairs who had their car stolen, also a Honda, in front of their house. SFPD never found it or the thieves, so they got a new Passat.

Months later, all the while receiving parking tickets, SFPD contacts them saying that the car has been found. Up the street from their flat (!). They go up to see the car, and it is intact, and has a full tank of gas! The registration had just expired, so they brought it back home (!). Wild shit all this..

Back in The Day I was always harrassed by cops; I could never get away with this kind of crap!

Welcome To The Rock

Since some of you might be traveling to San Francisco during this Summer tourist season, Umlaut thought it would be helpful to offer a guide to one of The City's most famous landmarks: Alcatraz (aka The Rock).

I've always found that visual aids are a great way to educate people on a subject they might not be familiar with. With this in mind, I can't think of a better visual aid for Alcatraz than the 1982 video by those German Lock 'N Loll goofballs the Scorpions for the song "No One Like You":

A black limo pulls up to a pier on San Francisco Bay. A boat is waiting for it. Alcatraz is in the distance.

WELCOME TO THE ROCK!

Scorpions singer Klaus Meine is doing hard time on The Rock and thinks about his girl Note: Klaus' cell is on the upper tier of what is known as "Broadway" in the main cell block of Alcatraz.

DOH! His girl is in the limo and she's coming to visit him!

Unexpectedly, THE MAN comes and interrupts Klaus' tranquility and he's dragged out of his cell!

He's marched past his concerned bandmates, who offer their support. What is going on?!

Meanwhile, his girl makes her way across SHARK INFESTED San Francisco Bay! Note: In reality, there are no sharks in S.F. Bay.

Holy shit! Klaus is a Dead Man Walking!

WOW! What drama! His girl arrives as he's being led to the gas chamber! Note: Their reunion takes place in the Alcatraz Mess Hall..

But, alas, their reunion is short-lived..

As Klaus is led away again, two guards examine a mysterious guitar that's on the floor. SYMBOLISM! Discuss amongst yourselves. Note: The short guard is the late Bay Area photographer Randy Bachman, who was killed by a drunk driver in front of a 1987 Ramones concert in S.F..

Suddenly, another prisoner is led into view. He breaks free, grabs the guitar, and smashes it! SYMBOLISM! Discuss amongst yourselves.

Note: The prisoner is Scorpions guitarist Rudolf Schenker dressed as "The Blackout" guy from the band's album cover. The cover art is a self-portrait by German artist Gottfried Helnwein [click for link].

During the excitement, Klaus has been placed in the electric chair and the State of California's Executioner (dressed in the traditional uniform of her trade) is about to do her duty. Note: The "Execution Room" is really a booth in Alcatraz's kitchen.

Suddenly, The Executioner reaches up and removes her mask. HOLY SHIT! It's Klaus' girlfriend! SYMBOLISM! Discuss amongst yourselves.

WAIT A MINUTE. Klaus wakes up from a dream! He opens the shades and sees Alcatraz in the distance.

Fade to black.....


Umlaut hopes this guide to historic Alcatraz was useful. For more information visit the National Park Service's Alcatraz web site [click for link]. When you do visit Alcatraz, be sure and take the audio tour!

Scorpions on Alcatraz - 1982

Scorpions @ Oakland Stadium - July 1982
(Photo by Umlaut)

"We'll kick your ass to Heaven, with Rock 'N Roll tonight.."