It Will Be Loud

Black Cobra
Amoeba Records, San Francisco
February 5, 2010

Twenty minutes prior to Black Cobra taking the stage at Amoeba there was nobody standing in the area of the stage... Just a couple of random dudes looking at the Oldies CDs.. but they soon moved on. Umlaut was the total lone dork standing right at the front waiting for the set to begin as Rafa and Jason did their obligatory "What's in My Bag" video interview "backstage" for the Amoeba website. Thankfully, within the next several minutes members of the Umlaut Nation arrived to join me... so a shout out to Lori, Richard, Mark, Lynn, and Hard Rock Chick. Just prior to Black Cobra's arrival onstage, a PA announcement was made that told customers an in-store performance was about to begin and that "it will be loud" and earplugs were available at The Information Desk... and with that The Volume Beast was unleashed!

This was Black Cobra's first performance since completing their marathon 3 month Japan / Australia / U.S. Tour at the end of last year. They were allotted 35-40 minutes to ruin the shopping experience of Amoeba's non-Metal customers... and it was a task they dove into with uninhibited lust and for a second, as the firestorm started, I realized I had forgotten what a force of nature the band is onstage... because a volume fury like this is something that almost transcends human comprehension. Black Cobra offers clarity through volume for those who believe.. or to quote the band's own words: "Break the barrier... nothing is unreal... mind's eye carrier... sacred light revealed."

Pic by Umlaut

Clarity through volume, man... Clarity through fucking volume.

It was really cool watching Rafa and Jason from 4 feet away without being shoved from behind or landed on from above by the usual concert crowd. That being said, it was also cool to see a sizable crowd had gathered in the aisles to watch the show... There were some older Punk / Metal scenesters and at least one such couple with a baby in tow.. and I'm sure they were all thankful to be able to hit a show before dinnertime. Hope we die before we get old. The only reality check was the Crusty Dude with the Mayhem logo painted on the back of his leather who stood next to us and whose aroma of unwashed body, hair, and black denim was, like, *real*... a bit too real actually.. but he was obviously a Black Cobra fan so it was all good.

One thing about watching Black Cobra in this intimate setting was I could really focus on their subtle dynamics and also really watch Jason's human form become one with his Les Paul and effects board and Rafa's human form merge with his drum kit and his hands and arms becoming a constant blur as they broke the sound barrier. Very few musicians become *one* with their instruments onstage the way Black Cobra does; most musicians simply "play" their instruments. It's fascinating and incomprehensible at the same time. When I watch Black Cobra perform I can't believe there is so much energy and creativity wasted by humans on soulless, bullshit disposable music (cue Nickelback or The Black Eye Peas). Black Cobra are pure energy that can be traced directly back to that moment when humans first realized that if you stuck your hand into an open flame it would hurt.. and the smell of burning human flesh was both repulsive and somehow strangely appetizing... What? Oh, like you've NEVER had that thought! Whatever...

Anyway, after their set Jason and Rafa served as game show hosts when they selected the winner of a sa-weet Southern Lord prize package:

Pic by Umlaut

The winner was some dude from Berkeley... Umlaut's post performance conversation with Jason included the following exchange:

Umlaut: You were totally channeling Nugent up there, man...
Jason: The Nuge? Yeah... Gotta keep it interesting, right?

We stopped next door at Murio's (cue drunken scary, blurry Jäger-fueled blurry scary drunken memories from many years past) for a $3 Happy Hour German beer.. but the drunk stranger in an overcoat who hovered over the girls in our group was a total buzzkill. After saying my goodbyes, I stopped in The Mission at Truly Mediterranean for some takeout... and I saw an ex-girlfriend from almost, like, 19 YEARS ago! Holy shit, let's do time warp again... Needless to say, I made a quick retreat back to Casa de Umlaut and the 21st Century.

Anyway, kudos to Amoeba for not making Black Cobra compromise on their volume and for also letting the band sell their merch after the performance. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Cheers to my brothers in Black Cobra, Jason and Rafa... and Umlaut is stating here publicly that, dudes, we have to seriously hang out again before you're back out on The Road in the very near future. First round is on me.

Surrounded By Idiots

After a late morning appointment in The Haight today, Umlaut found himself at Amoeba Records. While wandering the aisles I overheard:

Girl: "Like, I don't even buy CDs anymore... I download everything."

Then, while I was rifling through the used 7" bin, I had the following encounter:

Guy: "What are these?"
Me: (after a moment of WTF silence..) "7-inch singles... 45's..."
Guy: "Really? I didn't think they still made these.."

If I had acted on impulse in response to this guy it would have been justifiable homicide, right?

On a good note, Umlaut scored himself some Krisiun (Southern Storm CD) and a nice import Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers 2CD comp (Roadrunner, Roadrunner: The Berserkley Collection). Excellent.

I also saw the pictured 7" in the used bin for a mere $1.99. Umlaut's copy at home is autographed and would probably fetch at least $3.99 now! If you hurry over to Amoeba it's probably still there!

The Undead Anzio Riot Grrrls

WARNING: This piece can best be described as "rambling".

I can't remember the last time I read a horror novel, but over the holiday break I read World War Z by Max Brooks. It's great mind candy: An oral history of The Zombie War... Remember that? When humans were forced to the brink of extinction by the undead? Me 'neither... but it's a fun, well-written account of that time in human history. Of course, the zombie outbreak started in China.. You can't trust Chinks.. ever.

Anyway, the part that sealed my fandom of World War Z is during an "interview" with an American soldier about the tactics used late in the war to draw the zombies out into the open so humans could avoid close combat with the undead; besides the smell of living flesh, Zombies are drawn to sound... So the various armies around the globe used loud sounds to attract the undead into open areas where they could be easily mowed down by firearms. The British Army used bagpipes, the Chinese used bugles, the South Africans used old Zulu war chants... and what sound did American troops use to draw zombies to their killing zones??

Dude, they blasted 'The Trooper' by Iron Maiden over loud speakers!! Fucking brilliant, right?!

The American soldier says in his "interview" that he realized the song was chosen to psych the human troops up as much as to draw the undead out of hiding. He says:

"Right about the time Dickinson was belting "As you plunge into a certain death" I was pumped, SIR (Standard Infantry Rifle) charged and ready, eyes fixed on this glowing, closing horde. I was, like, "C'mon, Zack (slang for Zombies), let's fuckin' do this!"

You know, given the magnitude of The Zombie War and the lasting effect it had on humanity, I would expect there would be way more books and documentaries about it. I suppose the subject is still too painful for most humans to face, but I'm sure The History Channel will lead us towards the healing power of remembrance and nostalgia merchandising. If only I could remember where I was during the conflict.

Anyway...

Hey! Nobody told me Rick Atkinson's new book came out back in October! WTF... I've been waiting almost 5 years for the 2nd volume of his Liberation Trilogy to be published!

The Day Of Battle: The War in Sicily and Italy, 1943-1944 had Umlaut staging a nighttime stealth mission via the Prius to the nearest bookstore that was not unlike the predawn glider missions of D-Day.. Also, not unlike a Bangalore torpedo sliding under a barbed wire barrier on Omaha Beach, I slid under the cover price thanks to the store's 20% off sale price on the book.

Yes, there are a million books written about WW2... but Atkinson's writing sets him apart from most of the other WW2 Geeks. The 1st volume of his trilogy (An Army At Dawn: The War in North Africa, 1942-1943) won the Pulitzer Prize for History in 2003 and it was sort of a revelation when I read it. While most books of this nature are as dry as El Alamein, Atkinson's background (a Master's Degree in English Literature and editor at The Washington Post) gives him a command of the English language that allows him to make his subjects, like, come to life. Dude, he's like a Field Marshall of the written word. When it comes right down to it, Umlaut is mainly an ETO Geek at heart.

(That sound you hear is the yawning of readers as they click away from this space...)

For those of you still reading this space, these are the WW2 books that have influenced my inner WW2 Geek the most:

• A Bridge Too Far (1966)- Cornelius Ryan.
  
• Citizen Soldiers (1997) - Stephen A. Ambrose.
• Flags Of Our Fathers (2000) - James Bradley.
• God Is My Co-Pilot (1943) - Robert L. Scott.
  
• The Good War (1984) - Studs Terkel.
• Guadalcanal Diary (1943) - Richard Tregaskis.
• History Of World War II: Armed Services Memorial Edition (1945) - Edited by Frances Miller with A Board of Historical and Military Authorities.
• The Longest Day (1959) - Cornelius Ryan.
• The Mighty Eighth (1970) - Roger A. Freeman.
• The Ragged, Rugged Warriors (1966) - Martin Caiden.

To clarify, these books "influenced" me the most and aren't necessarily "the best" WW2 books; the majority of these I read when I was a kid... However, of all these books, the History Of World War II: Armed Services Memorial Edition is easily the single most influential title on the list.

Evidently, a copy of the book was given to every person who was in the U.S. Armed Forces between 1941-45; my dad's copy is still in perfect condition even after 62 years. He was presented with his copy (along with a World War 2 Victory Medal) due to his stint in the U.S. Navy from 1945-47. As a kid, the History Of World War II: Armed Services Memorial Edition was like the family bible to me; I was in awe of the 966-page tome and I read through its pages endlessly during my formative years.

As I was typing this piece, I couldn't remember the exact title of the book so I called my dad to get the correct title and publication details. After giving me the info I needed, my dad said I should just take the book home with me the next time I visit... DOH! It was not unlike my dad giving me his ENIGMA Machine!

Oh yeah... The other day I was at Amoeba Records to use a gift certificate that I'd gotten for Christmas. When I handed the Indie Rock Chick cashier my selections (The Essential Glenn Miller and Dead Moon- Echoes of the Past) they elicited a confused look from her.

As Indie Rock Chick filled out a credit slip for my gift certificate balance she signed her name with the K Records logo (How 1991 of her, right?) and before bagging my selections she held them up and commented "These are so.... different..."

At that point I almost played the grumpy old WW2 Geek and said "Riot Grrrl, it's no different than the 82nd Airborne's FUBAR during the invasion of Sicily and the FUBAR that was Operation Market Garden"... but instead I simply replied with a smile. I suppose I probably should have commented on the K Records logo to prove *my* Indie cred ("Hey! Kurt Cobain had that tattoo!") but I didn't.. 'cause, like, I just don't give a shit about it anymore. If Cobain had been in WW2 Patton would have slapped him anyway.

Speaking of K Records: Back in May I mentioned in this space that my cousin was running for mayor of Olympia, WA. Well, guess what? In November he won the election with 70% of the vote: Click HERE for his official bio. Ironic... Hilarious.. Weird! So, don't fuck with me Riot Grrrls 'cause Umlaut's kin is The Mayor 'til 2011.. and The Mayor is also a drummer. Kill Rock Stars... all of them.. cue some Sleater-Kinney.

Epilogue: Zombies > World War II > Riot Grrrls.. Rambling, wasn't it?

Swords & Tequila

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y: While running errands, I stopped at the usually lame Tower Records in San Mateo and was ambushed by their clearance bin. I scored a copy of Riot's 1981 classic Fire Down Under on CD for a mere $5 as well as a copy of ZZ Top's reissued Fandango CD for a criminally cheap $7. "Let that boy boogie woogie!"



Later, on this very special episode of Umlaut, Timo and I headed down to lovely Mountain View to spend the afternoon with The Kidz and see what they're into these days.

Sounds Of The Underground
Shoreline Amphitheater Parking Lot - Mt. View, CA
July 29, 2006

For the record these were the bands on the bill: As I Lay Dying, In Flames, Machine Head, Trivium, Cannibal Corpse, Gwar, The Black Dahlia Murder, and a couple of other acts whose names also sound like cheesy Horror movies or Sci-Fi characters. I've owned and then sold CDs by several bands on the bill at various times over the years.

Since I'm not overtly Metal anymore, I appreciated it when "fag" bands like The Cure and The Darkness were played over the PA in between sets. Surprisingly, there was no crowd revolt over such pussy music being played at such a "hardcore" event. So either The Kidz had a sense of irony or they were too lazy to react. With that in mind, the energy level of this show was about the same intensity as a 2-for-1 T-Shirt sale at HotTopic. Perhaps it was because Slayer's Unholy Alliance Tour had just stormed through town the week before and OzzFest a couple of weeks before that; maybe a Metal threshold had been reached. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Man, The Kidz these days don't know.... 66.6 miles barefoot uphill in the snow for Metal... etc. etc. When I started typing this (under the influence of morning coffee) I was going to rant, rant, rant. However, everyone hates an old man ranting about the younger generation... so I won't.

However, I will say that I found it WEIRD that Trivium's bass player dresses like we did in 1984: White high tops, pegged jeans, bullet belt, and denim jacket with all the "right" band patches sewn on it; he's dangerously close to wearing a costume onstage IMO. If anything, Trivium have obviously watched the Cliff 'Em All video on their tour bus and took notes.

The best part of the afternoon was seeing all of the kidz who had obviously been down front during Gwar since their skin, hair, and clothes were discolored from the liquids Gwar sprayed into the crowd. Having your skin stained by your favorite band is better than any merch item.

Cute Quote of The Day: A girl (her face smeared with "fake" blood) to her friend: "Have you ever seen so much blood?? This is what I look like after having violent sex with a donkey." CUTE!!

THANKS to Holy Diver for arranging the +1 into his 21st Century Metal World. Umlaut prefers his Old Man 20th Century Metal, but keep it real out there, for The Kidz!

Iron Maiden shirts seen = 8. I have no idea how much you would have paid if you bought one of every merch item. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. When I told people at work on Friday that I was going to this show I was met with blank stares and silence (cue crickets chirping). For those of you who know where I work, the irony is obvious.

Moving forward: Because Summer is traditionally a popular time for launching invasions against thine enemies, here are Umlaut's Top 6 20th Century Metal songs for charging into battle this season:

• Glory Hunter - Armored Saint
• Kill The King - Rainbow
  
• Power And The Glory - Saxon
  
• Swords & Tequila - Riot
  
• The Trooper - Iron Maiden
• War Ensemble - Slayer
  

Can you feel The Power? Can you feel The Glory?? Smite thine enemies and have a GREAT Summer! K.I.T., 'kay?!

S-U-N-D-A-Y: Just to show that Umlaut doesn't live and breath METAL 24-7 (what?!)..

The Dresden Dolls
Amoeba Records, San Francisco
July 30, 2006

On the spur of the moment, Big Wayne and I made our way to Amoeba for The Dresden Doll's in-store appearance. After all these years, it's funny that Big Wayne and I still get into the same bands without being aware of our mutual fandom until later; it all began with Metallica back in 1982. The Dutch and Chinese have a long standing alliance.

It's been a little over a year since I last saw The Dresden Dolls and, judging from Amoeba's crowded aisles, they've obviously built a large fanbase since then. What? Oh, whatever.. Okay, if you need *some* kind of Metal content to hold your attention, chew on this: Since I last saw them, The Dresden Dolls signed to Roadrunner Records. Roadrunner released Mercyful Fate's first two albums back in 1983 and '84. So there you go.

I like The Dresden Dolls' kitschy Goth Cabaret thing... and with all sincerity, the most Metal thing I saw all weekend was them performing their version of Sabbath's 'War Pigs'; I love it because it's so NOT Metal. For the newbies, if you've never heard it:



OH LORD, YEAH. Big Wayne noted that Brian played a Minor Threat song as he warmed up on his guitar (For the newbies: He switches off between drums and guitar onstage). I appreciated that Amanda was wearing a Who shirt.

Afterwards, we cruised over to La Corneta (For the newbies: Mission @ 23rd) for some slaytanic burritos. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. During the drive across beautiful San Francisco, Mercyful Fate's 'Melissa' came on over Wayne's Sirius radio. No matter where you go, Metal is there.

Amen.

Standards Are Slipping

So yesterday Umlaut had a Music Geek afternoon with Timo and Rock Star John.. Fish 'N Chips at The Irish Bank and then the monthly trip to Amoeba Records on Haight.

As we were paying, Walk Among Us by the Misfits came blasting over the store's stereo... The song '20 Eyes'.. Nice.

However, Young Hipster Chick Cashier taking my money got a funny look on her face and asked Young Hipster Dude Cashier next to her "What are we listening to??" with a tone of disgust in her voice.

Young Hipster Dude Cashier answered "The Misfits.."

Young Hipster Chick Cashier chewed on that for a second and said "Is this a "guy" band??"

I almost asked to speak to the store's manager at that point.

WTF!? An indie record store clerk with that pathetic level of Music knowledge?! Timo and I left the store in disgust. Thankfully, Rock Star John didn't witness this incident or there coulda been some serious Old School trouble.

"20 eyes in my head.. They're all the same, they're all the same.."

The Mekons

The Mekons
Amoeba Records, San Francisco
March 24, 2004

The Mekons are a band I'll always associate with my days living in downtown San Jose in the late-80's. Living in a house with 3 other dudes. Two of them were in a band together and had a studio set up in the basement. The other roommate worked in a record store. I was the token Asian. Twas a house of music geeks. For one reason or another I haven't seen the Mekons live in over 10 years (Hi Jayne!). What am I? Stupid?!

The in-store was like seeing them in a pub. Low key. Low-fi. It was nice being in a crowd who all looked to be around my age. 40-ish aging indie rockers. Greying hair. Some with kids in tow. I heard one guy say "I'm glad they're doing an in-store so I don't have to go to a club.." There were no drunk scenester kids. No one talking during songs. The aisles were packed with people who were there for THE MUSIC. Plus, Robin Williams was there too... or so I heard a clerk tell someone afterwards. Shazbot! Na Nu Na Nu!

They played my favorite Mekons song ('Hey! Susan') and closed with a nice version of 'Last Dance'. 40 minutes. Free. As they finished up and the crowd applauded I realized I really loved being alive at that moment. I felt like getting on my cell phone and calling everyone I know to say "Why the f*ck weren't you here?!" I was in such a good mood that I drove across town to The Mission and got dinner at my favorite falafel place.

The only bummer was when I got back to the car and realized I didn't have any Mekons on my iPod for the drive home. Life in the 21st Century is full of such unexpected hardships.

On the way back to the car some pimply faced teenagers called me a fag. Before the show I popped into a pub and had a pint of Guinness... which I chased with an expresso a little while later.

Lock 'N Loll.