Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Random Rock Star Moment #13: JANET JACKSON

From the Umlaut Archives:

The exciting sequel to Random Rock Star Moment #13: Michael Jackson!

Brunei Darussalem, Island of Borneo
April 25, 1998

Funny, how life is. One minute you're comfortable, the next minute you aren't. On one continent they are starving, living in huts, barely enough rice for the babies, and in the next continent they all drive luxury cars and make monuments from gold for no one in particular. There are no shortage of luxury cars in this little jungle village.

It is hot outside. Remember those old M*A*S*H episodes where Hunnicut and Lorretta Switt are just sweating bullets while operating on people? How they sit around the mess tent looking damp? Well, that's what its like here. Jungle. Asia. Hot. Humid. Monkeys, bugs, Muslims, luxury cars, air conditioning. A&W and McDonald's. All existing together in some kind of weird juxtaposition.

I flew over here in a private charter 747. It is owned by that guy. The one that's on the money. I asked for a coke when I got on the plane. It arrived in Baccarat crystal! Forgettaboutit! Next came the platinum embossed china and the sterling silver place settings. Ok. So then I went to the bathroom, opened the door to the little compartment that a plane bathroom is and OILA! MARBLE! A damn marble bathroom on the plane.....HELLO? Is anybody paying attention?

Can you believe that members of this crew actually complained about the flight? They did.

So, I get here and it smells like Katmandu. The pollution that is. The smoke haze is so thick here that in the morning you can't see 10 feet in front of you. The jungles of Indonesia are on fire, mother earth is a little pissed off around here. I stay in my room.

I haven't eaten a meal in 3 days. Aside from Mickey D's, there is no food worth eating here. Today in catering they had fluorescent pink meat bits and fish head soup. Where is the Royal pain in the ass? I want to complain about the food! With all his damn money and he can't buy a French chef?

We are working from the Palace theatre. It has an entrance for the people and then an entrance for the Royals. I don't have to tell you which one has more gold and crystal. I have never seen so much gold and crystal in one place in my life. They have absolutely no taste, however. You have got full walls made of Italian marble, with framed bits of expensive tiger wood and hanging on that you have two of the most hideous pictures of FRUIT. Fruit? It's like the Royals couldn't decide which one of them was gonna decorate so they all pitched in. Well, I like marble, and I like wood, and I like pastel colors....

All of the Royal buildings I've seen so far look like any Grand Hyatt I've ever stayed at. No different than the Four Seasons Bali. Bet they got better food too!

So, during the day I go sniffing around checking out all the labels on everything, Baccarat crystal, fine French china, gold inlaid everything. I found the kitchen where they are preparing the birthday cakes for the reason we are here. My gawd, it looks like the Costco bakery gone amok! Like I said, they have absolutely no taste. Huge monstrosities with that gross colored spray paint frosting, one with a Versace symbol, one of the Eiffel tower, the Taj Mahal, dolphins, jungle book, a freaking cake for every thing the girl likes I'm sure. There is a entire staff back there cooking like the Keebler Elves.

Then, there's the production office. I work at a marble and leather desk. The bathrooms are entirely marble, with 10 foot frosted glass doors. The best part is every 20 minutes 6 little Malaysian women rush the place, making new coffee and replacing the cookies. It is hysterical. They got servants for every damn thing you can think of.

They also got palaces for everything too! There is an entire house (palace) for cats, one for children, one for the girl's clothes, one just in case they need one, one just in case they don't use that one, blah blah blah. Freaking guest palaces everywhere!

Working in a place where there are Royals is exhausting. You can't do anything without permission. Or is that because it is a Sultanate? I haven't figured it out. We played softball on the Royal Polo Field, we have a Royal van to drive, a crew guy got a Royal root canal, and then there is the Royal amusement park. A park the size of Magic Mountain with no one in it and absolutely FREE. Can you imaging the money it costs to run an amusement park all night every night and have no one help pay the costs? This guy is outta control. I did get to live my fantasy of never standing in line and riding the roller coaster twice without getting off in between! I got sick.

I can go on about this weird place. But I won't. Basically, there is alot of one thing and not enough of another around here. The waste of resources is mind boggling.

There is an arrow in my hotel room that points to Mecca. I think I'm gonna go pee in that corner now. Then I'm gonna go out in front of the hotel and talk to the Chinese hookers. Yep, they got it all.

You see the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.


According to various Janet Jackson fan sites:

The Velvet Rope Tour ran from April 1998 through January 1999, with the first show on April 16, 1998 in Rotterdam, Holland and the final show in Honolulu, Hawaii on January 31, 1999.