Saturday, November 13, 2004

You Gotta Have Faith

In these dark times, any reassurance that your faith is righteous is welcome. So it was for Umlaut at the local taqueria a couple of days ago:

Praise be.

El Diablo es mi amigo.

Nov. 16, 2004: 8:00pm... I'm just about to sit down on the couch with a glass of red wine to chill after another productive day at work. 8:00pm... and someone starts pounding on the front door and ringing the doorbell. What the FUCK?! The dogs are barking. The door is being pounded on.. This had better be good.

I switch on the porch light and open the peep hole door. Within 2 seconds I notice 4 things: (1) Two young white boys, (2) crewcuts, (3) dark conservative jackets and ties with white shirts, (4) name badges on lapels.


The next 3 seconds went like this: God's White Knights were able to blurt out "Sir.." but I cut them off with "NOT INTERESTED" and slam the peep hole door shut and turn off the porch light.. I hear one of God's White Knights say "Do you know anyone..." before I banish them from my evening. The dogs continue to bark at the front window until The Missionaries are out of range.

What the FUCK is it with Christians?!! How arrogant. Coming to someone's house unsolicited with their self-righteous "I must save you" / "Bearing witness for The Lord" bullshit. Fuck YOU. As much as I would like to I would never be so insolent as to go to one of their houses and ask if they'd be willing to accept Satan as their own personal savior. "C'mon!", I would say, "Satan's music is WAY better! GUITAHH!!" However, I have MUCH better things to do than worry about how someone else is living their life.

After this brief encounter I was again reassured that MY path is indeed righteous.. In hindsight I probably should have debated God's White Knights, but they were intruding on MY life so why should I stoop to their level and play their game?


Get off my property.

Nov. 17, 2004: The God Squad seems to be targeting my neighborhood this week. Operation Annoy Thy Neighbor. Perhaps taking a cue from the military operations in Iraq, they are going house-to-house during the night AND day attempting to root out Godless insurgents. Another God Squad assault team came to the door this morning, but they were quickly repelled. However, not before one of them started her sales pitch with the line "Conditions on The Earth..." (*slam*)

Of course, putting up a "No Solicitation" sign could be a solution... But that would be acknowledging the God Squad and I also dislike how cheesy those signs look on a front door. Plus, legally this is evidently an already much debated subject.

Umlaut's crack research staff found this online:

"Although Jehovah's Witnesses do not consider themselves to be "solicitors" because they make no charge for their literature or their teaching, leaders of the church testified at trial that they would honor "No Solicitation" signs in the Village. They also explained at trial that they did not apply for a permit because they derive their authority to preach from Scripture. "For us to seek a permit from a municipality to preach we feel would almost be an insult to God....."

However, then there was this:

"Seventh Day Adventists missionaries proselytizing door-to-door are not solicitors under the definition of the peddling and soliciting law and are not required to be licensed."

A call to City Hall elicited a response that pissed me off even more. When asked about any local city ordinance pertaining to door-to-door solicitors, the woman at City Hall said that she "didn't know".. She was also obviously not sympathetic and chimed in that The Missionaries had "A right to express their beliefs..."


This was a representative of the local government saying this! Yes, of course, they have a right to express their beliefs.. But NOT on MY property without MY permission! God's Tool comes in all shapes and sizes.

I'm thinking that instead of a No Solicitation sign I'd be happier with a 12 gauge loaded with rock salt as a God Repellent. Seven Hail Marys and a hail of rock salt up your ass.


Nov. 18, 2004: From Popbitch (Thanks to Mary K. for the heads up):

>> Shopping with Black Sabbath <<

Tony Iommi goes silver bible-bashing.

Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath was in a shop in Birmingham's jewellery quarter. After buying Ozzy a crucifix for Christmas he asked for advice on a present for a new baby. Iommi's wife suggested, "What about one of these silver fronted bibles?" "I can't buy that", replied Tony, "I'm in fucking Black Sabbath."

Satan laughing spreads his wings, oh Lord yeah...