Recently, Umlaut and Skychick rented a bitchin' cabin in the woods at Yosemite National Park; one of the activities on our agenda was to go horseback riding. The ride was serene and beautiful and the weather was perfect... Even the horses shitting and pissing during the ride was serene and beautiful; it's NATURE, dude!However, at one point during the trek as our group rode up the side of a tree-lined hillside with a beautiful rushing river to our left, an inappropriately LOUD conversation broke out between the two riders directly behind me:
GIRL #1: OHMIGOD!! ISN'T IT, LIKE, SO BEAUTIFUL HERE?!
GIRL #2: OHMIGOD! IT IS!!
What followed was a couple of minutes of annoying conversation between Girl #1 and #2 and everyone within earshot learned trivia about each of them (where they were from, where they live, where each of them got married, etc. etc.)... BUT THEN this exchange happened:
GIRL #1: OHMIGOD! SO, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU DO??
GIRL #2: I'M AN ATTORNEY FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY.
[Cue several seconds of awkward silence... If this was the manga version of this story there would be a thought bubble over my head that reads "WHAT THE FUCK??"]
GIRL #1: OH... WOW...
[Cue several more seconds of awkward silence...]
GIRL #1: SO.. WHAT DOES YOUR HUSBAND DO??
GIRL #2: HE'S AN INVESTIGATOR FOR THE DRUG ENFORCEMENT ADMINISTRATION.
[Cue several seconds of awkward silence... If this was the manga version of this story there would be a thought bubble over my head that reads "THE D.E.A.!?"]
GIRL #2: WHAT DO YOU DO?
GIRL #1: OH... LIKE, I'M A HAIRDRESSER...
GIRL #2: THAT'S GREAT..
GIRL #1: YEAH... I LOVE IT..
After that the conversation abruptly ended and the only sound was the serene clip-clopping of our steeds and the beautiful rushing river to our left... BUT I felt safer knowing that someone on the front line of the War On Terror was in the saddle behind me.
On another note: One of Yosemite's "fancy" restaurants charged us a ridiculous amount of money for an unbelievably average meal; the meal's mediocrity per dollar was stunning. The next night, Umlaut cooked an amazing dinner at the cabin in the woods with ingredients purchased at the store down the road from the cabin in the woods. Skychick will corroborate: THIS Chink Can Cook.Umlaut's Definitive Yosemite Playlist (complete albums only, natch...):
- Billy Bragg & Wilco - Mermaid Avenue
- Johnny Cash - Love, God, Murder
- Led Zeppelin - Houses Of The Holy
- Robert Plant & Alison Krauss - Raising Sand
- Django Reinhardt - The Classic Early Recordings
- Rolling Stones - Exile On Main Street
- T. Rex - Electric Warrior
- Uncle Tupelo - Anodyne
- Uncle Tupelo - March 16-20, 1992
- Uncle Tupelo - No Depression
Ironically, Umlaut can't escape his work even while communing with nature: Guns 'N Roses shirts = 1 and Red Hot Chili Peppers shirts = 1... No matter where you go, there you are. Also: Mosquito bites = 4. Number of times I locked us out of the cabin in the woods = 2 (no comment...).
Best Interaction With A Foreign Tourist: As we approached Bridalveil Fall, Skychick asked a guy walking towards us a question about the path up to the waterfall, since he'd obviously just come from there.. The guy stared at us blankly and then said "I'M FRENCH" and continued on his way... Of course, we assumed he meant that he didn't speak English.. but whatever the case, I've decided to say "I'M FRENCH" whenever I'm asked a question that I can't answer... and I suggest all members of the Umlaut Nation do the same.
Hey, remember when Kirk, Spock and McCoy were enjoying shore leave on Earth at Yosemite when suddenly their vacation was interrupted by an emergency call to duty by Starfleet Command?? Me too.
James T. Kirk on El Capitan, Yosemite, CA"I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight, on a bed of California Stars.."
