Monday, February 06, 2006


Longtime readers of this space might remember Umlaut's 2004 Summer Olympic coverage. With the 2006 Winter Olympics ramping up this week, I couldn't help but have Brian Boitano on my mind.....

Figure Skater Brian Boitano and I both grew up in Sunnyvale, California (Birthplace of Atari). In fact, we went to the same high school (Peterson HS). In fact, although he was in the class ahead of me, we're the same age and our birthdays are only 4 days apart (Me: 10/18 and Boitano: 10/22).

Trivia: Umlaut was held back a year in Kindergarten because he moved from East Palo Alto to Sunnyvale halfway through the school year. That's right, Umlaut is originally from EAST PALY (1992 Murder Capital of the U.S.)... East P.A. Representin'!!

To be honest, I have no memory of Boitano in high school. He MUST have been hot shit on campus, because a high school figure skater is the next best thing to being a high school football player, dyaknowwhatimean? I'm sure tons of chicks wanted to meet him at the local Pizza Hut on El Camino and guys wanted to hang with him at the Wherehouse Records that was across the street. Hot S-H-I-T... for sure... like... totally.

Alas, my only memory of Boitano is the full page devoted to him in one of our yearbooks because he was a U.S. National Champion or something that year. Of course, Umlaut was NOT clued into what the Popular Kidz were up to AT ALL. My head was only filled with one thing at the time - METAL:

1982 Penpal Ad from Kerrang! magazine (From the Umlaut Archives)

Evidently, in 1982 Boitano was the first American to land a Triple Axel in competition. In 1982 I was the first person in Sunnyvale to hear the demo tape by a band called Metallica.

When Boitano enthralled the nation at the 1988 Winter Olympics, I was working at a local bookstore. After he struck Olympic Gold and was on the cover of Sports Illustrated his mom came in and bought every copy. She kind of bragged about her son, but that was her right. However, I wonder if she went around to EVERY local bookstore and did the same thing, which would have been rather pathetic. Are all of those magazines sitting up in the Boitano family attic now?

The ice skating rink where Boitano practiced as a kid became a Sunnyvale landmark and the street next to it was renamed "Brian Boitano Way". In subsequent years the rink closed and became a pizza parlor for a long time, which always seemed funny to me since the street name stayed the same. I think the street name has since been changed again and the pizza parlor replaced with some other business. I'll have to check the next time I'm back in good 'ol Sunnyvale.

Anyway, that's Umlaut's 2006 Winter Olympic moment, but I won't be watching them. Do you believe in miracles?!! To quote South Park:

What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now,
He'd make a plan
And he'd follow through,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics,
Skating for the gold,
He did two sow cows and a triple lutz,
While wearing a blind fold.

When Brian Boitano was in the alps,
Fighting grizzly bears,
He used his magical fire breath,
And saved the maidens fair.

So what would Brian Boitano do
If he were here today,
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two,
That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

I want this V-chip out of me,
It has stunted my vo-ca-bu-lar-y.

And I just want my Mom
To stop fighting everyone

For Wendy I'll be an activist, too,
Cuz that's what Brian Boitano would do.

And what would Brian Boitano do,
He'd call all the kids in town,
And tell them to unite for truth
That's what Brian Boitano would do.

When Brian Boitano travelled through time
To the year 3010,
He fought the evil robot king
And saved the human race again

And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids,
He beat up Kublia Khan

Cuz Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from an-y-body

So let's all get together,
And unite to stop our Mom's
And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too,
Cuz that's what Brian Boitano do.

And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too,
Cuz that's what Brian Boitano dooooooo,
That's what Brian Boitano do.