One Year Gone

Get Your Rocks Off Bicentennial Celebration
City Park Stadium, New Orleans - June 27, 1976
(From the Skychick Archives)

The Big Easy is Skychick's hometown. It's a place that will always be very near and dear to Umlaut:

• The Big Easy
• Katrina & the Waves
• Billion Dollar Babies
• Umlaut Returns To The Big Easy

It's hard to believe it's only been a year since The Big Easy's Year Zero. All the best to our friends and their loved ones in New Orleans (A shout out to Alida, Cindy, and Peter!). I remember the good times... and Umlaut will be back!

KISS / The Melvins
Louisiana Superdome, New Orleans - July 9, 1996
(From the Umlaut Archives)

• KISS in The Big Easy

Oh, and fuck the politicians, bureaucrats, and anyone else who is still perpetuating hardship down there.

Live Like An Angel (Yawn Like A Devil)

Venom / High On Fire / Goatwhore
The Fillmore, San Francisco
August 27, 2006

A friend recently told me that she reads this space regularly, but usually not the "Metal stuff"… which means she actually doesn’t read this space very often (HA HA).

This was Venom's first visit to San Francisco in (DOH!) 21 YEARS (Hope I die before I get old!). Truth be told this was 1/3 of Venom since only Cronos remains from the original lineup. However, it was appropriate that this show was literally around the corner from where the 1985 show took place (For the S.F. Newbies: The Kabuki movie theater used to be a concert venue).. I even parked in the same parking garage that I did 21 years ago, but that was as far as the nostalgia went for me on this night.

(From the Umlaut Archives)

Of course, the irony about Venom is how The Kidz today consider them to be "legends", but the Old School knows what a big sham they were back in The Day. Yeah, yeah Umlaut ran out and bought Welcome To Hell and Black Metal when they first came out. Hell (pun intended) I even had the Venom Black Metal logo sewn on the back of my denim jacket circa 1985... and Hell (pun), Umlaut's Metal ‘zine from back in The Day is even pictured in the booklet of the recent Venom box set. However, all of that changed after I saw them live on their debut U.S. Tour. Click HERE to read about that debacle. So yeah, yeah Venom blah legendary blah blah.

Umlaut was expecting to have a routine night at home in front of the t.v., so THANKS to Todd for inviting me to be his All Access date for the gig. Also THANKS to Dema and Skychick for not being threatened by our strictly platonic male relationship.

During Goatwhore's set Todd and I sipped our drink tickets in the balcony like old men and tried to count the number of girls down on the main floor.. The count ended at 10 out of around 400 punters, which is probably a higher Chicks-To-Dudes ratio than in 1985.

Goatwhore is one hilarious (in a bad way) band name. They played a new song the singer introduced as 'Haunted Curse' and my inner English Lit Major thought "Isn't that the same thing??" It's sorta like calling a song 'Steel Metal'. Discuss amongst yourselves.

To keep myself amused, I sent text messages to Tour Manager Doug (TMD) and he responded all the way from Europe. I felt like CNN when I sent TMD a bulletin that Cronos had just brushed past me backstage. Technology Rules! Cronos was in full stage costume and his bald spot almost blinded me.

High On Fire were pretty darn molten; I’'ve seen ‘em too many times to remember, but I thought this set was really incendiary... and they didn’t even play ’'10,000 Years’'. I'm sure it was because they were jacked to be playing The Fillmore for the first time. Nicely done, lads. Horns, etc. etc.

Venom's opening salvo of ‘Black Metal’ > ‘Welcome To Hell’ > ‘Bloodlust’ > ‘In Nomine Satanas’ was entertaining, but I laughed out loud when Cronos said “"San Francisco! We FINALLY made it back!!"” Indeed, after 21 years Venom had finally made it back to S.F... but sadly a good bit of Cronos' hair hadn’'t.

Cronos (aka Conrad) still plays bass like a high school Lemmy wannabe, but it was hilarious watching him in between songs ("You are Venom's legions!", "This band will NEVER stop!!" etc. etc. etc.). The old songs all sounded a step slower than the original versions (I call that the "Lars Ulrich Syndrome") and his supporting cast didn't help things.

Guitarist Mykvs (aka Mike) introduced a song and he had, like, a TOTAL SoCal accent!! WTF?! NOT very Newcastle at all! I laughed out loud when Cronos shouted "MYKVS!" instead of "MANTAS!" at the start of 'Bloodlust'. Mykvs is Fake Mantas in the same way KISS have Fake Ace now; he looks and dresses like Mantas circa-1985 onstage down to the silly boots with chains. Oh, here's a direct quote from his page on the official Venom web site:

"PEAVEY: The Peavey 6505 is my amplifier of choice for the heaviest tones and reliability needed for the power of Venom."

Backstage I watched drummer Antton (who I believe is also Cronos' brother, the "out of the same womb" type..) warmup by sitting on a drum stool while holding his sticks in one hand and checking his cell phone messages with the other. Here's a direct quote from his page on the official Venom web site:

"HANSENFUTZ: I use these practice pedals to warm up before a show. They are light, strong and compact, and no hassle."

I had a total sense of deja vu as the houselights went down and the amped crowd began chanting "Venom! Venom!".... but just like in 1985, as the show progressed, the crowd's energy level got more and more tepid as the truth about how incredibly average Venom are onstage revealed itself. I was right there with them.

Venom played a new song called ‘Antichrist’ and I thought to myself "“Wait one darn minute... ‘'Antichrist’'??! SLAYER already did that!!"” Then I remembered that Slayer’'s song is ‘'THE Antichrist’'… Ahh, semantics. During the bloated epic that still is ‘'The 7 Gates Of Hell'’ I saw a kid down at the front yawn; I was right there with him.

It got to the point where The Pit was literally an open space on the floor with a lone sweaty XXL White Boy (and not even a jock... but a fat dork) walking around in a circle by himself shoving anyone who was near him... and no one challenged him. Finally, sweaty XXL White Boy just stopped walking. I was right there with him.

Now, I realize The Kidz in the crowd paid 30 bucks to be there and I skated in gratis via The List, but after an hour I'd had enough and I walked out during '‘Countess Bathory'’ and headed home. After 21 years it was reassuring that Venom still sucks and the legend of how much they sucked still rings true. On another note, I did begin the evening by entering The Fillmore via the backstage door, which I'’d never done before. Lock ‘'N Loll!

What time was dinner served?

Iron Maiden shirts seen = 1 (ONLY ONE!!). If you bought one of every Venom merch item you would have paid an astonishingly low $27!! Venom had only ONE t-shirt for sale and word backstage was they only had them in size Large, which was bad news for the numerous sweaty XXL White Boys in the house. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. All I gotta say in closing is "SLAYER!!".... just like I did in '85.

===
ADDENDUM

Sent by Old Metal Steven:

Before the VENOM show in '85 me, Brad and Quintana (Andy Anderson and other assorted punters were there too) went and saw the REALLY cool show that evening; Raw Power at the Mabuhay Gardens! Arguably the greatest 80's era Euro hardcore band.

We arrived to the Venom show late and feeling very punk-rock obnoxious. we proceeded to chant "We saw Raw Power, We saw Raw Power!..." throughout Venom's set along with other silly taunts. I remember other people actually spitting at them and Cronos threatening to bring the lighting rig down on everyone's head!

We just laughed even more...the back of my head appears in a photo of Raw Power (from same gig) on the back of their debut album Screams From the Gutter. Immortality!!

Raw Power still rocks, Venom still sucks (after 1983 anyway).

Dead Letter Office

Mr. Postman is an idiot.

This letter was delivered to Casa de Umlaut last week:

It was delivered to the wrong PERSON, the wrong ADDRESS, the wrong ZIP CODE, and the wrong CITY. For the newbies: Santa Barbara is roughly 300 MILES south of Casa de Umlaut. The only thing the letter has in common with Casa de Umlaut is the address number (130) and the state (California).

The next morning Umlaut left the letter for Mr. Postman with a post-it attached saying it had been delivered to the wrong address. I even highlighted the city name with a highlighter for easy confirmation of the mistake.

Two days later Mr. Postman delivered the same letter to Casa de Umlaut.

It was delivered to the wrong PERSON, the wrong ADDRESS, the wrong ZIP CODE, and the wrong CITY. For the newbies: Santa Barbara is roughly 300 MILES south of Casa de Umlaut. The only thing the letter has in common with Casa de Umlaut is the address number (130) and the state (California).

Skychick ran out the front door and caught Mr. Postman, handed him the letter and TOLD HIM and SHOWED HIM that it had been delivered to the wrong address again... for the second time. She told him in perfect English and absolutely no slang or local colloquialisms were used by her to convey this message to Mr. Postman.

Yesterday, Umlaut arrived home from work and guess what was in the mailbox?

The same fucking letter.

It was delivered to the wrong PERSON, the wrong ADDRESS, the wrong ZIP CODE, and the wrong CITY. For the newbies: Santa Barbara is roughly 300 MILES south of Casa de Umlaut. The only thing the letter has in common with Casa de Umlaut is the address number (130) and the state (California).

Once again, Umlaut has attached a note to this letter informing Mr. Postman that this letter was incorrectly delivered to Casa de Umlaut again... for the THIRD time.

Stay tuned. If this letter is delivered to Casa de Umlaut AGAIN I am prepared to take this as far as I have to in order to expose what a disgrace Mr. Postman is to both his profession and to his country! This country is at war for dog's sake! The Romulans are cunning and ruthless and will take advantage of these types of mistakes!

===
ADDENDUM

Umlaut readers sound off about their love and respect for the USPS!

Micki (New York City): Mrs. Postman (who completely destroys one out of every seven Netflix DVDs without fail) delivered last week a letter here - WRONG NUMBER (two out of four right), WRONG STREET (two blocks down) and WRONG NAME (What name? Burt Reynolds, I kid you not!).

Jim (San Francisco): We get other people's mail all the time. Usually they're other people on our street or a couple blocks away with the same street number, but we've had letters that bear no resemblance to our name or address whatsoever (except maybe the zip). It always makes me wonder who the fuck is getting OUR mail. I get sick up and fed about once a year and call and bitch to the postal service. They come out and put a little sticker on our mailbox to remind the carrier to check the address closely when delivering mail, and things get better for maybe a month. But generally there's no change.

Drunk Ted (San Diego): I'm filing a complaint with my post office today regarding my mailman. He's cramming packages into my box where there's no room (I can't even get them out of my box). Yesterday, I got the new Pat Todd & The Rank Outsiders CD (2 copies). Cases were smashed in half because of this! It was like this guy was trying to force a square peg into a round hole. Miraculously the disks were ok, but this was completely uncalled for.

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Lonn Friend

The exciting sequel to Marshall Stack!

I mentioned "in another space" that I was reading Lonn Friend's book Life On Planet Rock. This resulted in another excellent Lock 'N Loll war story from Umlaut's old friend John Marshall Stack.

My Lonn Friend story:

When we were recording Metal Church's "The Human Factor", Metallica was literally a mile up the road in Burbank recording the Black album. It was cool because we got to hang with them, shoot pool, etc. One day Kirk and I went to Lonn Friend's office in L.A. to see him. When we got into his office Lonn was deep in phone conversation with Axl Rose, and I was looking for a place to sit down. The only chair available had 3 or 4 gold record plaques in it-- not the small ones, but the full size ones. I think they were in the chair because his walls were already covered top to bottom with other gold, silver and platinum records. Anyway, there was enough space to sit on the front edge of the chair, (so long as I didn't lean back too far), so I did.

As we were sitting there, Axl starts playing Lonn some of the new Gn'R music over the phone (I think the song may have been "November Rain"). Without telling Axl, he puts it on speakerphone so we can hear it. As I'm getting comfortable, I lean back slightly in the chair.... until I hear a loud CRACK! from behind me. I quickly look up and realize that neither Kirk nor Lonn have heard the sound, so I calmly lean forward again. For the next few minutes, I'm sweating bullets...... how bad is the damage? As we finally get up to leave, I take a quick look at the plaque I had leaned on, and didn't see any cracks....WHEW! I snuck away, afraid of what might have happened to the plaques underneath.

Once we got out of the office, I told Kirk, and he just about laughed himself to death.

My Lonn Friend story.

===
Last week Umlaut noticed these pics of John with Metallica (from the 1992 U.S. Stadium Tour with Guns 'N Poses) on photographer Ross Halfin's web site:

Enter night, exit light... Click HERE for more Marshall Stack war stories.

RYFHO!

Drunk Ted (DT) and Umlaut have known each other since The Grunge Days. Simply stated, we are twin sons of different mothers. Our Music Geek ways and experiences are so similar it's downright eerie. From Old Metal, to Grunge, to Rock we're twinsies.

Recently DT burned me copies of Vols. 2-4 of comp CD's that he made called Rock Your Fucking Head Off... DT's background on them is quintessential Music Geek:

"Rock Your Fucking Head Off is what I call my DJ gigs. I got it off an autograph Axl Rose did for a friend back in '87. It took Axl about 5 minutes to write it because he was so messed up. The comps are all my absolute favorite songs at whatever time I'm making them."

When Umlaut hung out with DT recently he played Vol. 4 of Rock Your Fucking Head Off in the car most of the time and I lost count of how many times I asked "Who is this??"

To say that the CD was "cool" is an understatement.

Dude, Vols. 2-4 of RYFHO clocks in at 78 songs and 3.7 hours of ROCK. The discs are all Umlaut has been listening to this week on iTunes / iPod in the car, at work, and at home. My favorite songs (so far) are 'C'mon C'mon C'mon' by Paul Westerberg and 'Down On Me' by the Hoodoo Gurus, but the entire collection has been rocking Umlaut's world.

For the record here's the track listing of RYFHO Vols. 2-4:

1. 1974 - Thee STP
2. Animal Instinct - Preacher's Kids
3. Are You Ready - Lazy Cowgirls
4. Baby Kisses - Doom Kounty Electric Chair
5. Babylon - Frankenstein 3000
6. Back Against The Wall - Lord High Fixers
7. Backstage - The Donnas
8. Better Off Alone - Midnight Thunder Express
9. Big Rig - The Donnas
10. Black Betty - Throttlerod
11. C'mon C'mon C'mon - Paul Westerberg
12. Can't Keep My Mind Off You - The Nomads
13. Chrome Helmet - Big Chief
14. Cold Ethyl - The Bulemics
15. Come A Day - Demons
16. Come And Get It - Locomotions
17. Communication Breakdown - Disengage
18. Dancefloor - Devil Rock Four
19. Disconnected - Kelly Osbourne
20. Do Anything You Want To Do - Eddie And The Hot Rods
21. DOA - Foo Fighters
22. Down On It - The Spitfires
23. Down On Me - Hoodoo Gurus
24. Drinks - American Heartbreak
25. Earn The Crown - Backyard Babes
26. Earthy - The Hydromatics
27. Frontside - Buck Cherry
28. Full Moon Crazy - Mustang
29. Genius - Peepshows
30. Get The Picture - Asteroid B612
31. Growing On Me - The Darkness
32. Have You Seen That Cat - Mother Superior
33. Headsprings - White Stripes
34. Heartbreaker - Two Point Eight
35. Hey Baby! - Deadbeats
36. Hit It On The Head - The Wildhearts
37. I'm A Believer - Rachel Bolan
38. I'm Flipped Out Over You - The Victims
39. I Am A Tree - Guided By Voices
40. I Live For Speed - Star Spangles
41. Intergalactic Sinners - Mustang
42. Iron Maiden - Iron Maiden
43. Keep Rock Clean - Rock 'N Roll Stormtroopers
44. Lit Up - Buck Cherry
45. Little Piece Of Action - The Makers
46. Loaded - Backstreet Girls
47. Money - Mustang
48. Money Or Your Life - The Dragons
49. Monster Kiss - Deadbeats
50. Move Over - Mensen
51. Neat Neat Neat - Adam West
52. Next To You - Anthrax
53. No Goddamn Phones - Gluecifer
54. No Stars Tonight - Fabulous Disaster
55. On The Outside - Marked Men
56. Psycho Desco - The Weaklings
57. Pucker Up - The Ends
58. Real Thick Head - Candy Snatchers
59. Rock Your Ass - Supersuckers
60. Roll With The Punches - Deadbeats
61. Sake Bomb - The D4
62. She Gets Away - Crash Kelly
63. Skip Steps 1 & 3 - Superchunk
64. Sniffin' Glue - Exploding Hearts
65. So Long Goodbye - Asteroid B612
66. Someone That Won't Let Me Go - The Wildhearts
67. Takin' A Ride - Candy Snatchers
68. Teenage Hypochondriac - The Heartaches
69. The Devil's Own - Hellride
70. The Night Billy Wanted To Fly - Streetwalkin' Cheetahs
71. They Will Destroy Us All (Without Mercy) - The Bronx
72. Tight - Black Halos
73. Top Alcohol (live) - The Nomads
74. Valentine Frankenstein - The Hydromatics
75. Wasn't Born To Work - The Nomads
76. Waste Of Flesh - The Makers
77. What We Do - Bump 'n Uglies
78. Worm Song - The Yobs

If you're on the Umlaut mailing list (and if you're not, you'll have to figure out how to join that Slaytanic group...) send me your mailing address and I'll burn you a CD of RYFHO Vols. 2-4 on an MP3 CD and snail mail it to you gratis.

On another note: On this date (August 16th) in 1977 Elvis Aaron Presley passed away AND KISS played the Cow Palace in San Francisco. Paul Stanley dedicated 'Rock And Roll All Nite' to The King. The Summer Of '77 was all about KISS and Star Wars for Umlaut.

Today (August 16th) is also my Mommy and Daddy's 54th Wedding Anniversary. Although they would be horrified to read the crap I post here, I love 'em ALOT... and I know they love me too (AWWW).

I must also give a shout out to my Auntie Barbara, who passed away this week. She and my late Uncle Bob lived in Quincy, Plumas County, California. I have wonderful memories of spending Summers at their house in The Sierras as a kid.

R.I.P. Auntie Barbara.

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Gene Simmons

The following is the transcript from an online conversation between Umlaut and Tour Manager Doug (TMD).

TMD sent the following Internet anecdote to UMLAUT: Subject: Elephant's Memory - Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk a round one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

UMLAUT: It's funny 'cause the elephant kills him.

TMD: That's why I sent it to you.

UMLAUT: It's funny when animals kill people.

TMD: Ted Nugent agrees.

UMLAUT: Now THAT would be FUNNY. Especially if it was an albino buffalo.

[At this point the conversation turned to Gene Simmons...]

TMD: I threw him out of a dressing room once. Didn't know who it was, obviously. His back was to me.

My band was on stage in about a half hour, I walked into the dressing room and in my usual soft demure fashion said "Everybody who isn't in the band needs to get out, they're on soon and need to get ready."

He had his back to me talking to the guitar player. He instantly said something about how he better go, shook hands with the guitar player and the 2 other band guys, wished them good luck and left. I never saw his face, as I was dealing with the 2 nobodies in the room who didn't acknowledge my request with any movement at all.

When everybody was out the guitar player said "Man, you just threw Gene Simmons out of his own dressing room". The show was at the old Ritz in NYC, smaller than the Warfield if I remember correctly, and once we were done playing we needed to vacate our dressing room for KISS to use. I think my reply was something to the effect of "Somebody had to do it".

A similar thing happened with Michael Stipe in Atlanta once. Same result. I like it when big time Rock Stars appreciate the hardworking crew guys.

UMLAUT: THAT'S a great story... What band were you with?

TMD:The band was called Dirty Looks. Their Cool From The Wire album is actually pretty good in an AC/DC clone sort of way. The date was Aug 12th or 13th, 1988. We opened both nights. It was probably the first one.

UMLAUT: Random Rock Star Moment #13: Gene Simmons coming up. Were you supporting KISS?

TMD: Just for those 2 shows. Somebody else was supposed to, LA Guns or somebody, but their drummer broke his leg or something.

We had done a festival in New Hampshire on July 4th with KISS, Balaam & the Angel, Dirty Looks, Mantas, TH Wreckage. The biggest cheer that Dirty Looks got was when Gene walked across the far back of the stage during their set.

Legend has it that TMD and Umlaut met at a Krokus show circa 1982. TMD roams The Earth enabling Rock Stars to be Rock Stars. Umlaut lives vicariously through TMD's Lock 'N Loll lifestyle and wants to write his memoirs.

Click HERE for more trivia on TMD.

Click HERE for more trivia on Umlaut.

KISS trading cards courtesy of the Umlaut Archives.

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Kerry King

Submitted by Old Metal Sheila & Dave:

I'd say about 4 months ago, Dave and our daughter Candace were at Target here in Riverside (California); they were picking up school stuff for her.

Dave was walking down the bedding aisle and he looked at this guy, and said "No way." My daughter was like "What?"

He told her "I'm pretty sure that's Kerry King." She was like "Who?" She is not our Metal Kid; she's off in her own little music world LOL.

Anyway, Dave told her it was the guitar player from Slayer... She was like "Don't you know them (Slayer)?" He said "Well, I haven't seen them in a long time. I'm sure he doesn't remember me." So they continued to shop; David was not 100% sure, but he kept looking back, saying "It has to be..."

My daughter decided to go over to the guy after she was done shopping, and she asked him "Are you Kerry King?" He said "YEAH".

She said "Oh that's cool." Then she proceeded to ask him if he remembered David Marrs.. She said "He used to hang out with you back in the early days."

He just kind of blew her off and said "Oh, I don't remember a lot of people I used to hang with back then." She was like "Oh well, thanks anyway..."

He either didn't want to be bothered, or he truly didn't remember David... I think had David gone up to him he might have remembered, but it was a funny moment.

Kerry King at Target in Riverside... looking at bedding and comforters.

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Umlaut says "I thought Slayer slept on a bed of nails and lava??!"

Marrs Landing

As I've said a million times, you never know when the Rock Godz will send blessings your way. Case in point: Umlaut hasn't seen or spoken to Dave & Sheila Marrs in almost 15 years. They're Old Metal friends from the very, very earliest days. Trivia: Dave was a member of Metallica's first road crew dating back to before James and Lars relocated to San Francisco from L.A..

From the inner sleeve of the Ride The Lightning album.
Dave is circled.

Imagine Umlaut's shock when he received an e-mail from Marrs (pun intended) this weekend.. 15 years gone, man. Amazing.

Kids, let this be a lesson: If you want to find dirt on your parents' past, Google their name! Evidently that's what happened in the Marrs household, and the search yielded THIS item on Papa Marrs.

Is there life on Marrs? Indeed.

Random Rock Star Moment #13: David Johansen

A couple of weeks ago, Umlaut spent some quality hangout time with old friend Drunk Ted down in lovely San Diego. This weekend, as they have MANY times in the past, the Rock Godz again rewarded Drunk Ted for his blind obedience to them:

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Talk about being in the right place at the right time! Last night me & Amy went out to Chevy's for Happy Hour. Had a couple margaritas. Then went to Borders Books and killed a couple hours there. We wanted to "sober up" so we could have a martini at this other place nearby. So we go down there, and it's PACKED! No way we're getting in. Normally at this place, there is no one there! Then again, it was only about 8pm and we normally show up there around 11pm.

So where are we going to go? I mentioned the DoubleTree Hotel, my favorite local hangout. I went there last week, but Amy didn't go, so we decided to go this week so Amy can say "Hi" to my favorite bartender and we can get a martini.

So we show up. The bar is dead. One or two people in it. Cool! The whole bar to ourselves. Our normal bartender isn't there, so we just start talking to this new one. She asks us if we're going to the Street Scene which was happening yesterday and today just 2 miles away at Qualcomm Stadium. We're like "No, the only band we want to see are the New York Dolls and they're playing tomorrow, but we're not going to pay $75 to be stuck in a crowd just to see one band".

A couple of drinks later, the bar is completely empty. Everyone's at the Street Scene. I hear this scruffy, haggard voice next to me ask the bartender if he can get a couple cups of coffee. I'm thinking to myself, "Man, this guy is hardcore." Who was this who just wondered off the street?

As I turn to get a look at the guy, Amy wacks me in the arm, and I notice right as I turned my head... it's DAVID FUCKING JOHANSEN!!! Holy shit! Holy shit!

So we start talking, saying "Yeah, we saw you guys at the House Of Blues a few months ago and had a great time." He asked us if we got the new album yet and I said, "Yeah, got two (one for me & one for Amy) copies from Tower.com because they were autographed!". He asked us if we heard it ("Not yet. Just came in the mail, actually") and if we were going to the show tomorrow ("Nah, don't want to pay the $75 just for one band". David goes "Is that how much it is? Man!"), and if we heard any of the new album on the radio. Amy said the only radio show she listens to is Steve Jones' show.

David goes "You can get that down here?" She said, "No, I get it on the internet." I said "I don't listen to normal radio. I got Sirius, so when I listen to music it's 'Little Steven's Underground' channel". David says "I got a show on there! I'm on the air right now, actually" We joked around about "How is that possible?!?!"

We bought David his coffees (he was hanging out outside, in the dark, by the pool with his girl) and he asked us our names and shook our hands saying "I'll be seeing you around later."

Man, this was such a fucking big thrill! The only thing that even comes close is meeting Gene Simmons at the Comic-Con about 4 years ago. Just wish I had my camera. And that I wasn't so tongue-tied. It was quite the unexpected shock!

We both were kind of fixated on his jean jacket and the Hershey's chocolate bar that was sticking out of the pocket. Neither the bartender nor the waitress knew who he was (though they claimed to be rockers). So we had to explain to them that if it wasn't for the New York Dolls, there would be no KISS, Motley Crue, or Guns & Roses (the bartender's favorite band!). On the way back to the car, some pimplyfaced teenagers called us fags.

Drunk Ted
San Diego, California

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Click HERE to relive Umlaut's Rocktober 2004 that included the New York Dolls.

"TRASH! DON'T PICK IT UP!!"

Teenage Riot '92 Style

I'd forgotten about this... From Issue #2 of the 'zine Sonic Youth did for their fan club back in 1992:

Kool Thing... I don't wanna... I don't think so...

For better or worse, here's the "review" I wrote about the 1992 Sonic Youth show in Issue #6 of the old xeroxed Umlaut (Note: Umlaut used to drinky a bit too much of the Red Hook in '92):

Sonic Youth / Pavement
Warfield Theater, S.F.
September 24, 1992

Hmmm. Things are blurry 'cause I'm writing this a couple of weeks after the show. On the way back to the car, some hazy and indistinct pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I seem to remember riding to the show in the back of a pickup truck.

Slow News Day

A friend with the best of intentions included me on one of those e-mail Q&A things. I should have answered it seriously and I'm not a very good friend for being such a smartass (sorry Marin) but, unfortunately, it's my way since I'm a shifty Oriental.

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Things you may not have known about me.....

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Dry cleaner
2. Waiter
3. Cook
4. Algebra tutor

B) Four movies I would watch over and over again (and do):

1. My Dinner With Andre (for the drunken suicidal pick axe assault scene to retake the citadel)
2. Das Boot (for the finale where Heinrich finally ties his own boot laces while being depth charged)
3. Out Of Africa (for the wacky car / giraffe chase sequence)
4. I Spit On Your Grave (best documentary ever)

C) Four places I have lived:

1. For our Lord, Jesus Christ.
2. In my own heart
3. In squalor
4. Happily ever after.

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:

1. ESPN2 Lumberjack competition finals
2. ESPN2 Fly Fishing competition finals
3. ESPN2 Bowling competition finals
4. Travel Channel World Poker Tour

E) Four places I have been:

1. All the way
2. To Hell and back
3. The Promised Land
4. The darkness of my own heart.

F) Websites I visit daily:

1. Dungeons & Dragons forum
2. NRA.org

G) Four of my favorite foods:

1. People
2. Pets
3. Haggis
4. Veggie burgers

H) Four places I would like to be right now:

1. Someplace where the voices can't find me
2. My fantasy world of mirth and laughter
3. The Produce Section
4. "The Box"

I) Four friends I think will respond to this (no pressure):

1. My personal savior, Jesus Christ
2. Almighty God
3. The voice in my head
4. Elvis

J) Four hangouts I frequent in and about my 'hood:

1. Under the bleachers
2. The crawlspace
3. In the bushes
4. Costco

K) Four notable concerts/shows I've been to:

1. Our Lord Jesus Christ's Sermon on The Mount (front row!)
2. Pope John Paul II's comeback tour featuring Meatloaf
3. Homeless guy on plastic bucket
4. The Sirens (Pisinoe, Aglaope, and Thelxiepi) - I saw them with Odysseus back in The Day.

===
On another note: Why are Orientals so pathetic?? Click HERE and nod in agreement. You're NOT cool.. Stick to Math, kids.

That being said, THIS Oriental says the new Slayer album, the first with the original lineup in 16 years, is FOOKIN' GLEAT!! It's exactly what I wanted (nay, needed!) to hear. The song 'Cult' is THE feel-good song of the Summer!

"I'VE MADE MY CHOICE!!! 666!!!"

The Old School never lets me down... which makes me want to share one of my all-time favorite pictures (taken from Slayer's Soundtrack To The Apocalypse box set):

Slayer, Exodus, & Road Crew - 1984
(Spot the youthful Tour Manager Doug - D-E-V-O).

Me love Slayer long time.

Factsheet 5

WHOA.. Here's a blast from the past: Factsheet Five is being resurrected! Click HERE to visit their site. Hopefully FS5 can find relevance in this age of blogs and RSS feeds; too bad they relocated from San Francisco to Virginia.

Man, talk about Memory Lane... FS5 gave Umlaut several great plugs back in the Cut 'N Paste / Glue Stick / Xerox Days. GOOD TIMES.

From Factsheet Five #54 (circa 1994)

D'ya know what I just did?? I put on a MELVINS CD for the first time in, like, forever. If I had to pick one band that defines those Cut 'N Paste Days for me it would be the Melvins. Listen to the song 'Zodiac' and that's what the Cut 'N Paste / Glue Stick / Xeroxed Umlaut would have sounded like... If it had been a song or something.

See if you can spot Umlaut's dear friends Jayne and Cammie in the Melvins' 1993 video for the song 'Lizzy' (Hint: Hammer and Chainsaw):



Good Times.

This post is dedicated to all my friends and acquaintances who read the old xeroxed Umlaut 'zine and who now read this silly blog. THANKS y'all... I'm glad we're all still here.

To quote the Jefferson Airplane: "What a long strange trip it's been.."... or was it Wavy Gravy who said that...? Hippie shit.

On the way back to the car......