The Big Easy

A huge shout out to Skychick's hometown...

80% flooded [click for link]. Take care, y'all. Hope to hear from our friends soon.

Click HERE to read about Umlaut's New Orleans Lock 'N Loll Adventure.

Several years ago, Umlaut made this N'awlins comp CD:

• Born On The Bayou - Creedence Clearwater Revival
• In The Night - Professor Longhair
• Les Flammes D'Enfer - Beausoleil
• Dixie Drug Store - Grant Lee Buffalo
• Jambalaya - Hank Williams
• Iko Iko - Dr. John
• House Of The Risin' Sun - Bob Dylan
• Do You Know What It Means To Miss New Orleans? - Louis Armstrong
• Walk Through The Streets Of The City - Magnificent Seventh's Brass Band
• Mardi Gras In New Orleans - Professor Longhair
• Le Jig Francais - Beausoleil
• Louisiana Blues - Muddy Waters
• Baton Rouge - Chuck Prophet
• Pere et garcon zydeco - John Delafose
• Tipitina - Professor Longhair
• I Wish I Was In New Orleans - Tom Waits
• When The Saints Go Marching In - Louis Armstrong

I'll be listenin' to it today and dreamin' 'bout eatin' a fully dressed shrimp Po-Boy while drinkin' an ice cold Dixie Beer (or two) in the shady humidity of The Quarter..

Where It All Began

As when Eve gave Adam the Forbidden Fruit (aka The knowledge of good and evil..), Umlaut remembers when he was given the cursed Forbidden Fruit of Music Geekdom..

I recall the moment I was given "The Apple" as if it were just yesterday: In the late 70's local FM Rock radio station KSJO (R.I.P.) had a late night show where they played new records that weren't on their playlist.

One night I was listening to the show on a piece of shit clock radio in my bedroom. They played a new Cheap Trick [click for link] album that was only available in Japan.. The album was called At Budokan.. Up to that point my entire record collection consisted of the Star Wars soundtrack, Boston's 1st album, and KISS Alive II.

For some reason, although I was way into KISS, my young Music Geek mind gravitated towards Cheap Trick more strongly... In hindsight, it might have been because they were the first band that I discovered on my own. A friend and his older brother hadn't told me about them (as had been the case with KISS).

Soon afterwards I went down to Tower Records, headed for the import (vinyl!) section, and spent way too much money on the Japanese import of At Budokan.

(Trivia: At Budokan was initially only released in Japan but import copies received so much airplay in the States that Epic released it here.. which of course made Cheap Trick superstars..)

I played that copy to DEATH... and I still have it today. I'm appalled when I look at it. The cover and booklet are trashed. The gatefold cover is split along the bottom seam. The inner sleeve is ripped. Of course, back in those formative years I hadn't been educated in how to care for albums (vinyl!) and what 4mil plastic sleeves were. However, despite the wear and damage to the packaging, the record itself is still clean and free of any visible scratches. I must have instinctively known something about record (vinyl!) care even in those Music Geek salad days..

Umlaut's battered copy of At Budokan (Japanese import!)

At Budokan was the first import record I ever bought. Cheap Trick was the 1st concert I ever attended (supporting Blue Öyster Cult - 1978). "Surrender" was the first song I became genuinely obsessed with. Cheap Trick were also the 3rd concert I ever attended (Dream Police Tour). In 8th Grade I signed classmates' yearbooks with the same Rick Nielson caricature that he signed his autograph with. My first girlfriend in 8th Grade was also a Cheap Trick fanatic. The first bootleg I ever got was a Cheap Trick show (L.A. Forum - New Year's Eve 1979).. I visited the public library and searched their microfilm collection for magazine articles on the band. I wore a Cheap Trick shirt to my first job interview (at Carl's Jr. - Sunnyvale Town Center Mall.. They hired me..). During my Freshman year of high school I wore my Cheap Trick - Dream Police Tour shirt to school and some Senior Class jocks made fun of it..

The Geeks Shall Inherit The Earth.

In 1980 I saw a concert at Oakland Stadium with a bill of Journey / Black Sabbath / Cheap Trick / Molly Hatchet. I felt torn because I was there for both Sabbath and Cheap Trick.. but the huge biker guys standing near me down front HATED Cheap Trick and kept flipping them off.

By the next time I saw Cheap Trick I had outgrown them. I had moved on to METAL and I was more interested in seeing the opening band (The Michael Schenker Group - Armed & Ready Tour!). It was the last time I saw the band for almost 17 years.

In 1997 a friend was on a guest list and took me as his +1 to see Cheap Trick play a club in Palo Alto, CA. It was like seeing that 8th Grade girlfriend again. It was fun to see them, but I didn't feel the same connection I had when I was 14. However, Bun E. Carlos still ruled.. except he didn't use his baseball bat-sized drumsticks at the end of "Clock Strikes Ten" like he did back in The Day.

It's been many years since that night I listened to At Budokan on that piece of shit clock radio. However, like a dormant parasite, the early influence of Cheap Trick on my music aesthetic hatched as I grew older. This is glaringly obvious when I admit that my two favorite albums of the past year are the melodic stylings of Green Day and Oasis.

Despite this being Umlaut's Summer of Iron Maiden, I'm more Pop than Metal now.. Twisted and evil.

Earlier this year Velvet Revolver released a cover of "Surrender" as a B-side. I didn't like it. Rick Nielsen trumps Slash every time.

"Rollin' numbers, Rock & Rollin', got my KISS records out..."

Rick Nielsen guitar pick circa 1978 (From the Umlaut Archives)

===
ADDENDUM:

Umlaut and John Marshall have known each other at least 22 years. Old Metallica fans will remember John as a member of their original road crew (stage manager / guitar tech) and fill-in guitarist in 1986 and 1992 when Hetfield couldn't play guitar due to injuries. Metal fans will know him as guitarist for Metal Church from 1987-93.

John submitted this excellent Cheap Trick - Random Rock Star Moment:

"When Metal Church were opening for Metallica in '91 or so, we played at a place called The World, outside of Chicago. It's an enormous "shed", an outdoor amphitheatre similar to Shoreline."

"After we played, Rick Nielsen brought his son (who was about 17 at the time) backstage to meet us. Apparently his son was a big Metal fan, and loved Metal Church as well as Metallica. They were both really cool."

Maiden Summer

Well, it looks like this has turned into the Summer of Iron Maiden for Umlaut. Maiden Brazil.. Maiden OzzFest... Maiden vs. Sharon Osbourne.. Who woulda thunk?

For lack of anything else to rant about, Umlaut's Liberal Agenda will continue to run with Maiden for now.

Back in 1983, Maiden endeared themselves to S.F. Bay Area Metalheads when Steve Harris wore a Record Vault shirt in a widely-circulated band photo:

The Record Vault (aka The Vault) was THE epicenter for the underground Bay Area Metal Scene in the 80's. The Vault was located at 2 different locations during its time, both of them on Polk St. in San Francisco.

The Vault was the type of place where you could get the latest Venom single and get laughed at if you asked for the latest Twisted Sister record (because, despite what VH1 says, Twisted Sister were NEVER Metal..).

An ad for Mercyful Fate's in-store at The Vault - 1985

An appropriate postscript to Maiden Summer is the new Iron Maiden Collector's Edition of Metal Hammer [click for link]! Unfortunately, it's only available at WH Smith stores in England.. A 154-page, perfect bound publication with a classy glossy cover. Tons of photos, new interviews with all of the band, and articles written by such Old School British Metal journalists as Geoff Barton. A Maiden Geeks wet dream and the type of music publication that only the English know how to do right.

Even after all these years, Umlaut still learned something new in these pages. Maiden's connection with West Ham United is legendary... but who knew that Dave Murray is actually a Tottenham supporter and Adrian Smith supports Fulham!?

"Iron Maiden's gonna get you... No matter how far.."

THANKS to Skychick for running this back from London for Umlaut.

===
ADDENDUM: Submitted by Lauraloha

When I was just a young Antioch Metal chick, complete with frosted mullet and Firebird Formula 405, I would drive to San Francisco looking for fags to yell at and wonder why everyone was dressed like Rob Halford. Man, this city sure has a lot of Judas Priest fans! We would make the holy grail to Polk Street and wander the aisles of The Record Vault touching all the import records in plastic sleeves wondering what kind of place Europe was and where these bands came from. It was all a galaxy away from Antioch.

So one day while we were out being homophobic teenagers on the hunt, James Hetfield and Cliff Burton walked into The Record Vault while we were in there. This was waaaaay back in the day when no one really knew who Metallica was outside of Ruthie's and The Stone. I was so excited I ran up to him and yelled "You're James Hetfield!" He answered quite frankly and a bit seriously, "No I'm Not." Not knowing what to say and bit thrown off by the growl, I slunk away. Then the store clerk, James and Cliff all had a big laugh at my expense. I still remember that laugh today. It was my formative years and probably one of the incidents that led to my 10 years of drug abuse and heroin addiction.

That's what I get for yelling at fags and listening to Metal when everyone was still waking up from ELO and Donna Summer.

Fast forward almost 20 years later and, alas, it is I who had the last laugh. (another story.....)

And, hey UMLAUT, don't forget the East Bay version of The Vault.....Record Exchange, downtown Walnut Creek. When there was no more Record Vault, we all gathered at the Record Exchange for even more Metal. That's where I started selling speed. (yet another story.....)

===
P.S. from Umlaut:

Umlaut spent many afternoons in The Record Exchange... Although I didn't score drugs there, I did play the owner an advance cassette of the 1st Slayer album before it was released.

Misty, watercolored memories... of the way we were.

Dinosaur Jr.

Dinosaur Jr. / Modey Lemon
The Fillmore, San Francisco
Aug. 18, 2005

Dinosaur stage @ The Fillmore (Courtesy of the FreakScene Forum)

The Gang Of Four tour back in May was cool, but when this tour was announced I thought I heard the girly screams of Music Geeks erupting from sea to shining sea. This was THE Music Geek event of the year IMO: The original lineup of Dinosaur Jr. [click for link] doing the 'ol reunion thing after 15 years...

FUCK the current bullshit Motley Crue "Reunion" Tour (which is actually their 2nd "Reunion Tour").. J., Lou, and Murph proved they could implode a band with the best of 'em.. BUT now they're back together and, appropriately, tonight's show was sold out in advance (ka-ching!).

Umlaut had been looking forward to this week for months.. Two of his all-time favorite bands (Iron Maiden and Dinosaur Jr.) playing within 5 days of each other. Fucking EPIC. I was as giddy as a little school girl.

Back in February, Umlaut saw Paul Westerberg and it dredged up alot of memories (mostly good) from my days living in a Music Geek bachelor pad in downtown San Jose in the 80's. After my "Metal Days" I really got into the whole 80's Underground / College Radio Rock thing... Good times.

Dinosaur Jr. are the quintessential Umlaut band.. A band that says in their official bio that they were spawned from a "wildly messed-up mix of influences (from Venom to New Order to Neil Young)".. Just like Umlaut.

Last weekend Umlaut was in the middle of an Iron Maiden crowd and a voice in my head told me "These are your people..." In hindsight, that thought was misleading.. A Maiden crowd reminds me of who I was in my teens, which is not a bad thing. However, tonight I was in the middle of a Dinosaur Jr. crowd and a voice in my head told me "This is who you are.." As Dylan once sang "We always did feel the same, we just saw it from a different point of view..."

My inner Teenage Metalhead just called me a Poser for quoting Dylan.

I ran into Captain Fireball & Co. and had a conversation about, of all things, how completely godhead Iron Maiden and Tony Iommi had been at OzzFest. I TOLD YOU it was THE Music Geek event of the year! Later Timo, The Sheriff, and I all made comments about J.'s vintage Marshalls onstage.

The Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

Watching J. attack his guitar and wrestle decibel magic from it is still a sight and sound to behold... Yeah, the Guitar God sash still fits him.. and Lou and Murph were locked and loaded as well. By the time they encored with the obligatory double shot of "Just Like Heaven" > "Freak Scene" I literally thought I was going to explode. Literally.

If you had bought one of everyone Dino Jr. merch item you would have paid $85. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Now, if Spacemen 3 [click for link] ever returned from the dead I might start believing in that thing called Easter.

"Just don't let me fuck up, will you... 'Cause when I need a friend it's still you.."

===
Compare and Contrast:

The Rolling Stones' 2005 stage @ Fenway Park, Boston (Courtesy of Pollstar):

I guess you need something this ridiculous to distract people from the fact they paid up to $500 EACH for their Field Level reserved seats..

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Iron Maiden

The exciting sequel to Maiden Brazil and Maiden OzzFest!

Iron Maiden onstage at OzzFest - Aug. 2005

MAIDEN GOLF
Submitted by Lauraloha

Lauraloha attended every one of those Maiden shows that Umlaut so proudly told us about. That is, all the way up until Shoreline Ampitheatre in 2000. That's when she had the strange opportunity to work the show as a Backstage Runner, where she drove a 15 passenger van full of aging golfers. You may ask yourself, "What do golfers have to do with it?" Well, those aging golfers are otherwise known as IRON MAIDEN. They fly in on their own Cessna piloted by none other than Bruce Dickenson. The Cessna takes them from golf course to stage and back to next golf course near the next stage. It was all a bit much for Lauraloha. She decided then and there that golf and metal don't mix. One should never work for a band they actually like because you might find out things you wish you didn't know.

During this fabulous day in the van, Lauraloha's brand new Maui boyfriend came along for the ride. Being a Maui boy and not very schooled in the backstage scene and having no idea who Iron Maiden was (nor did he care), he decided he would talk to the band as we drove them to the private plane on the private tarmac. A big no no. First rule of service, never talk to the band unless they ask you something directly. Maui boy didn't understand that he was in a coveted position, in a van with Iron Maiden listening to private after show chatter (which had to do exclusively with golf).

Maui boy never came out on another job. Lauraloha never went to another Maiden show. She does not watch golf. Dave Murray lives 1/2 a mile away on Wailea Golf Course where he lives a life of obscurity among the golfers.

Metal. Golf. You decide.

===
From Golfclevelandohio.com: Nicko McBrain and Dave Murray playing golf at Tanglewood Country Club in Cleveland on Aug. 5, 2003 (Note the Maiden golf bag!).


"Chasing the Redskins back to their holes, fighting them at their own game..."

===
ADDENDUM ADDED 8/20:

Kerrang! [click for link] in the U.K. recently published a short but entertaining interview with Maiden's singer Bruce Dickenson [click for link]. Among other things, Bruce said:

"Retired heroin addicts love golf. Every one I know — from THIN LIZZY's Scott Gorham to Dave Mustaine — credits golf as being the thing that saved their lives. I'm from the Oscar Wilde fraternity that believes that golf is a good walk spoiled. I've had an implant to stop me taking it up, just as ex-smokers use nicotine patches."

I challenge you to name another Rock Star who hates golf but who quotes Oscar Wilde... and who also hosts his own weekly BBC Radio show [click for link].

Click HERE for the complete interview.

Maiden OzzFest

The exciting sequel to Maiden Brazil.

When I was a teenage Metalhead in the early-80's, Iron Maiden reinforced the idea in my head that intelligent and literate people could also be METAL. They wrote songs inspired by subjects such as World History, Literature, ancient myths, movies, The Occult, Biblical prophecies, and certain cerebral British t.v. shows... Pretty much everything I was into as a teenage geek who preferred books to Donkey Kong. And I wasn't the only one... [click for link]

The Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

Plus, Maiden were (and are) great musicians and an astounding live band.

To quote Maiden: "I left alone, my mind was blank. I needed time to think to get the memories from my mind..."

Oakland Stadium, Oakland, CA - July 18, 1982

The Number Of The Beast Tour - Pt. 1.. Maiden's debut Bay Area show in front of 45,000 and OPENING for Foreigner (!?.. the headliners..), Loverboy (!?), and Scorpions. We had been waiting at least a year to see Maiden since stumbling across Killers in the Tower Records import (VINYL!) section. Unfortunately, the 1981 Killers Tour (the band's first U.S. trip) didn't make it to the S.F. Bay Area. Needless to say, I was as excited as only a 17-year old can be for a concert.. We were down front as Maiden stormed onstage and left after the Scorps played... However, Rich Hellhound's car had been towed and his dad had to come bail our asses out. He was NOT pleased despite the fact that Rich and I had finally seen Maiden.

Oakland Coliseum Arena, Oakland, CA - Sept. 4, 1982

The Number Of The Beast Tour - Pt. 2.. Maiden were middle of the bill between Scorpions and Girlschool. We waited in line all day and the kids who eventually formed the band Death Angel waited next to us. During Maiden I ran into a guy known as "John Maiden" (His favorite band being...). He stuck his tongue out to show me the tab of acid he had just taken. John went on to become a cop with the SFPD.

Cow Palace, S.F. - July 2, 1983

Piece Of Mind Tour.. Saxon and Fastway supported. At this time I had dozens of Metal penpals in Europe and the U.S.. One of them was a groupie Metal chick in St. Louis and she told me about her "encounter" with Bruce Dickenson when Maiden were in town on this tour. Furry. In hindsight, her choice of Rock Stars was suspect since there was another time she told me about her "encounter" with Ian Hill of Judas Priest [click for link]. Eww.

Cow Palace, S.F. - March 21, 1985

Powerslave Tour.. Twisted Sister opened at the height of their "We're Not Gonna Take It" MTV hype. Big Wayne and I wandered around the Cow Palace during their set because, despite what VH1 says today, Twisted Sister were NEVER Metal!

After the show we ran into James Hetfield who was with a guy named Ron Lafitte. Metallica had finished the Ride The Lightning U.S. Tour a week or so before. Some kids came up to James and asked for his autograph and we teased him about it afterwards. I think we asked him to sign our asses. Who knew that James really would become a Rock Star!? Pretty funny, innit?!

At the time Lafitte was Metallica's merch guy. He went on to become a big time music exec and managed Megadeth to multi-platinum success and also headed A&R for Capitol Records. Around 10 years later, Lafitte was being pitched a band by one of his people.. but he wasn't interested. He finally looked at the band's CD and saw my name listed in the "Thank You" part of the liner notes. He then gave them a listen because he recognized my name from the Old Metal Days. A true story. Kinda funny, innit?! Trivia: The band was Neurosis.

Epilogue: In the late-90's, Lafitte "discovered" Indie Rock darlings Spoon and signed them to Capitol.. However, as the story goes, he abandoned the band soon after their debut album for that label came out. In retaliation, Spoon recorded the songs "The Agony of Lafitte" and "Lafitte Don't Fail Me Now". Kinda funny, innit?!

Shoreline Amphitheater, Mt. View, CA - Sept. 16, 2000

Useless minutiae: (1) This was Maiden's first Bay Area show in 8 years, (2) After 6 years, Bruce Dickinson and Adrian Smith had rejoined Maiden, (3) After 15 years, I went to a Maiden concert. I was fully expecting it to be one of those sad nostalgic retro shows with an aging Maiden stumbling onstage. How wrong I was. Maiden stormed onstage and it was like no time had passed! I was as giddy as a little school girl and wasn't annoyed in the least when the 2 very drunk guys in front of me started going nuts during "Hallowed Be Thy Name".

Concord Pavilion, Concord, CA - Aug. 29, 2003

Maiden opened with "Number Of The Beast" complete with a huge lighted "666" flashing behind the stage. A teenager sitting behind us was dressed exactly like a circa-1982 Metalhead, complete with denim vest covered with Metal band patches and longish feathered hair. It was like he'd stepped out of a time machine. In the crowded Men's Room a guy took a piss in a garbage can and another guy waiting in line commented loudly "Dude in a Pantera shirt fucking pissing in the garbage can..." After the show, Big Wayne and I walked back to the car with the biggest smiles on our faces.

Okay... All of this brings y'all up to date with Umlaut and Iron Maiden.. which brings us to OzzFest.

I had only been to one OzzFest before.. I jetted down to San Bernardino for the very first one in 1996 (when it was limited to only 2 shows in Phoenix and San Bernardino)... Umlaut's old friends Neurosis opened the Main Stage.. Biohazard filmed a porn movie on their tour bus. Meanwhile, we hung out in the fancy Neurosis bus and drank Guinness from bottles, which was a LONG way from Gilman St.. Sharon Osbourne gave Neurosis a stack of free OzzFest shirts. Twas the first time I'd seen Slayer in years, but Sepultura ruled the day!! The Roots (Bloody Roots!) Tour and their final U.S. show with Max in the band. I saw Glenn Danzig backstage and he was shorter than me. We left just as Ozzy was going on.

OzzFest, Shoreline Amphitheater - Aug. 13, 2005

The good seats for this show were selling for up to $257 EACH on Ebay. Prior to the show, Timo and I had to combat some weird ticket energy, but we conquered it (TEAMWORK!). Also, for the first time in at least 20 years, Umlaut was at a concert with Rich and Steve Hellhound. The South Bay Maniacs rode again (some of us at least...)! I'd like to say that we raged like it was 1984 again, but we didn't.

On the way in, the biker chick security guard called me "Sweetie". Shoreline is one of those corporate amphitheaters that allows people to bring their own water bottle inside BUT they confiscate the cap at the gate (I assume to prevent the full bottle from being used as a projectile...). I was told years ago by some old Deadheads to "hide" an extra cap in my pocket in order to reseal the bottle and avoid buying the same bottle of H2O inside for $4. Works every time. Remember when concert security was more concerned about preventing M-80's from getting into shows instead of water bottle caps? Me too.

Meanwhile, guys selling bootleg OzzFest shirts had somehow smuggled in their wares and were selling them in the middle of the 2nd Stage crowd (Bootleg shirts = $10 vs. Official shirts = $35). Corporate Rock Rules!

Mastodon stomped the 2nd Stage.. and Brann's polka dot drum kit with Randy Rhoades on the bass drum was the geekiest thing I saw all day. For the Music Geeks: High On Fire stood stage right during the set and "Blood And Thunder" was dedicated to them. Awww.

Mastodon Stomping The 2nd Stage (Pic by Umlaut)

Unfortunately, we arrived too late to see Arch Enemy [click for link] since they went on at the very Un-Metal hour of 9:45am.. and I was still at home getting my morning coffee going at that point. I know: POSER.

"Best" Bad Tattoo: Jesus Christ superimposed over a swastika (nice concept but badly executed).

Best NOT Metal Moment: Three guys (one wearing a Slipknot shirt) playing hacky sack [click for link] during Killswitch Engage's 2nd Stage set.

Best Quote: Timo (during Killswitch Engage's 2nd Stage set) - "It's not a good sign when people are playing hacky sack during your set."

I like Rob Zombie's aesthetic but his set bored me after around 4 songs... but chicks dig him. Aside from "Dragula", the most entertaining part of his set was when they jammed on the James Gang's "Funk #49" and Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" leading into songs.. But I did like how he and his band came onstage wearing matching Ninja masks.. and I do dig John 5's [click for link] guitar playing.

After the 2nd Stage finished we wandered around the concourse (aka The Mall) filled with vendors that you only used to see at Dead shows. One booth had a 2-For-1 sale on bongs. Steve Hellhound went to Purgatory for food but emerged unscathed. A kid dressed as a pirate (ARRGH MATEY!) attempted to conquer the Rock Climbing Wall (Metal??) and failed miserably.

The Main Stage started up and I must say that Black Label Society (BLS) and Mudvayne were two of the worst bands I've ever seen. Zakk Wylde of BLS reminded me of one of those guys in Guitar Center who wanks on a guitar thinking he's Randy Rhoades.. but I suppose BLS fills that much needed "Band Who Dresses Like A Biker Gang" aesthetic that is so lacking in music today. Mudvayne were.... oh just forget it.

Iron Maiden fucking stormed the place!! After the crap bands, Maiden crushed OzzFest as if they were Henry V at the Battle of Agincourt [click for link] (GEEK!).

The guitar tech at stage left was having WAY too much fun while he worked. In between tuning and switching out axes, he played air guitar and sang along to every song. Obviously a happy employee!

Just before Maiden stormed the Main Stage.. 12th Row, dude!
(BLURRY Pic by Umlaut)

The band > crowd energy level was smoking and it was especially cool to see the entire place go nuts during "Run To The Hills". Skychick will be shocked to learn that Umlaut sang along to every song.

As much as Umlaut listens to all kinds of music now, Maiden are a reality check to remind me that Old Metal will ALWAYS run in my veins. Whenever I'm at an event like this a voice in my head says "These are your people..." That Techno shit you listen to is gutless. Up The Irons!

In high school, while other kids listened to Zeppelin and The Beatles, I listened to Black Sabbath and dismissed those bands (I eventually "discovered" them in my 20's..). I was WAY into the Ronnie James Dio-era Sabbath tours (1980-82 and 1992) and even the Ian Gillan / Born Again Tour (1983 - GREAT!). I also had the misfortune of seeing the horrible 1995 Forbidden Tour.. Which was basically guitarist Tony Iommi solo, but it did feature the late Cozy Powell (R.I.P.) on drums.

Although the reformed Sabbath has been around (off and on) for the past 8 years, I'd only seen them on the debut reunion in 1997.. and I had felt that was enough.

I must admit that I was not excited about seeing Sabbath because of the recent reviews about Ozzy's failing health and dodgy performances. Plus, it's still weird to me that he's so mainstream now.

However, as Sabbath came onstage with "N.I.B." I was completely surprised. My head started banging involuntarily and I found myself singing all of the words (Skychick will be shocked to hear this..).

From where we were in the 12th row, Ozzy looked and sounded good.. Also, I can't believe that I'd taken Tony Iommi for granted in recent years. He sounded AMAZING. Riffs to make Christians squirm. I was also surprised how solid Bill Ward was since he was always the weak link before Ozzy's MTV celebrity and health issues... and of course Geezer is still the heavy foundation to it all, dog bless him.

As good as Sabbath were initially, Ozzy started to lose me as the set progressed.. First, Ozzy mooned the audience with his blindingly white ass... Then Ozzy stuck his head in a bucket of water.. Then, at 10:15pm, Ozzy threw buckets of water on the front row. The Dark Prince of Metal who I grew up with is now the Court Jester of Shenanigans.

My mind started to wander and I found myself more interested in figuring out how a guy in the row in front of us could still be throwing up after having spent the past 3 hours hurling chunks. I suppose it could be sublime seeing a guy wearing a Motörhead "Everything Louder Than Everything Else" shirt sitting in a puddle of his own vomit.. Then again maybe it was just gross. Thank Dog our seats weren't near that guy! He was like a Monty Python skit.

In stark contrast to Maiden's air guitar-playing crew guy, Sabbath's crew at stage left looked COMPLETELY bored. Their expressions would probably be the same if they were working a checkout line at WalMart. I guess that's why they call it "work".

I'll never grow tired of hearing "War Pigs" but, truth be told, how many more times do I really need to hear "Iron Man" and "Paranoid" again? Overplayed and overdone. Plus, Sabbath committed what I consider a cardinal sin for any Rock band: They played medleys of their songs.. They teased by launching into songs like "Symptom Of The Universe" and "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" but, alas, they were only intros into other songs (i.e. "Sabbath Bloody Sabbath" > "Paranoid").

Timo and I bailed during "Paranoid".. As we walked back to the car, 2 tour buses with police motorcycle escort zoomed down the street past us. Ozzy has left the building!

Beer count = 2. Green Day shirts seen = 1. If you had bought one of every Maiden merch item you would have paid around $173. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. THE best shirt of the day was some kid who had taken a plain white t-shirt and wrote the names of his favorite bands on it with a permanent marker... and on the back he had written "Lars Ulrich Sucks".

The End.

The World According To The Nuge

The following was posted by Ted Nugent on his official online forum under "Activism" [click for link]:

NUGE Administrator
posted 08-10-2005 09:04 PM

I pray to God that America & the world learns the truth about the brutal souless demonic savagery of the panfaced bowlcut squinty eyed scumJap punks that tortured, murderd, starved, stabbed, raped & brutalized innocent civilians & our American heroes on Battan, in the Phillipines, China, Manchuria & everywhere the little prix savaged people wherever they marched. We must never forget or forgive so that we keep our eyes on the little bastards so we never are vulnerable again. Dont trust em. Study their virtual evil on various A&E, Discovery, History channels & beyond. Their evil is beyond comprehension. Anyone who succumbs & accepts emporers cannot hav a soul. Japs can go to hell. Im profiling.

Uh oh... The Nuge is on to us Asians!

(For fun, count all of the spelling and punctuation errors The Nuge made eventhough he was using his native United States of American language..)

Of course, NOTHING else has happened in the world since the 1930's and 40's. It's funny 'cause The Nuge has squintier eyes than Asians when it comes to World History. He funny... He make me wraugh.

YOU DIE, JOE!

Of course, Umlaut has owned Double Live Gonzo on vinyl and seen The Nuge several times over the years (including once with Humble Pie supporting). However, this Asian Rocker sold all of his Nuge stuff and stopped supporting him years ago.

At least Umlaut is Chinese... Since The Nuge seems to mainly hate "Japs" I'm sure he'd let this "Chink" do his laundry or math homework.

My evil is beyond comprehension.

===
ADDENDUM ADDED 8/11:

Hmmm... As of this morning The Nuge's "Japs Will Be Japs" forum posting has been pulled from his site. So, he'll shoot an arrow into a picture of Saddam Hussein onstage, but when it comes to excercising and defending his First Amendment [click for link] right as an American to be an douchebag he backs down. What a pussy.

Wango Tango.

Thor

Thor [click for link] was a blonde and muscled "Metal singer" in the early-80's who would get lots of coverage in Kerrang! magazine. Obviously, he was trying to capitalize on the popularity of Metal AND He-Man.


"HEY! You got He-Man in my Metal! And you got Metal in my He-Man!" [click for larger image]

He was a fixture in Kerrang! the way Dee Snider was back then.. (Note: Umlaut would like to state that, despite what VH1 says, Twisted Sister were NEVER Metal..)

Amazingly, Thor is STILL around. According to his web site:

"A new album, THOR Against The World has already been recorded, and should be unleashed very soon. This is Metal the way Metal SHOULD be - tapping into and channeling the very heart & soul of the genre! It's extremely catchy and addictive, with a timeless quality that will make it just as fresh decades from now as it will be on its release."

Ummm... I like cottage cheese... What? Oh, sorry... My brain shut off for a second there.

Umlaut would probably still enjoy seeing a Thor vs. Manowar Battle of the Bands if he had nothing better to do.

Thanks to Tour Manager Doug for the Thor update, I guess.

Welcome To The Rock

Since some of you might be traveling to San Francisco during this Summer tourist season, Umlaut thought it would be helpful to offer a guide to one of The City's most famous landmarks: Alcatraz (aka The Rock).

I've always found that visual aids are a great way to educate people on a subject they might not be familiar with. With this in mind, I can't think of a better visual aid for Alcatraz than the 1982 video by those German Lock 'N Loll goofballs the Scorpions for the song "No One Like You":

A black limo pulls up to a pier on San Francisco Bay. A boat is waiting for it. Alcatraz is in the distance.

WELCOME TO THE ROCK!

Scorpions singer Klaus Meine is doing hard time on The Rock and thinks about his girl Note: Klaus' cell is on the upper tier of what is known as "Broadway" in the main cell block of Alcatraz.

DOH! His girl is in the limo and she's coming to visit him!

Unexpectedly, THE MAN comes and interrupts Klaus' tranquility and he's dragged out of his cell!

He's marched past his concerned bandmates, who offer their support. What is going on?!

Meanwhile, his girl makes her way across SHARK INFESTED San Francisco Bay! Note: In reality, there are no sharks in S.F. Bay.

Holy shit! Klaus is a Dead Man Walking!

WOW! What drama! His girl arrives as he's being led to the gas chamber! Note: Their reunion takes place in the Alcatraz Mess Hall..

But, alas, their reunion is short-lived..

As Klaus is led away again, two guards examine a mysterious guitar that's on the floor. SYMBOLISM! Discuss amongst yourselves. Note: The short guard is the late Bay Area photographer Randy Bachman, who was killed by a drunk driver in front of a 1987 Ramones concert in S.F..

Suddenly, another prisoner is led into view. He breaks free, grabs the guitar, and smashes it! SYMBOLISM! Discuss amongst yourselves.

Note: The prisoner is Scorpions guitarist Rudolf Schenker dressed as "The Blackout" guy from the band's album cover. The cover art is a self-portrait by German artist Gottfried Helnwein [click for link].

During the excitement, Klaus has been placed in the electric chair and the State of California's Executioner (dressed in the traditional uniform of her trade) is about to do her duty. Note: The "Execution Room" is really a booth in Alcatraz's kitchen.

Suddenly, The Executioner reaches up and removes her mask. HOLY SHIT! It's Klaus' girlfriend! SYMBOLISM! Discuss amongst yourselves.

WAIT A MINUTE. Klaus wakes up from a dream! He opens the shades and sees Alcatraz in the distance.

Fade to black.....


Umlaut hopes this guide to historic Alcatraz was useful. For more information visit the National Park Service's Alcatraz web site [click for link]. When you do visit Alcatraz, be sure and take the audio tour!

Scorpions on Alcatraz - 1982

Scorpions @ Oakland Stadium - July 1982
(Photo by Umlaut)

"We'll kick your ass to Heaven, with Rock 'N Roll tonight.."