Friday, September 10, 2004

On The Way Back To The Car: 1992-95

For those readers who weren't there, what follows is a selection of gig reviews that originally appeared in the Old School xeroxed Umlaut.

This post is dedicated to Jason Knuth, who was Umlaut's Kinko's Konnection Extraordinaire (Me: "How much do I owe for these copies?" Jason: "Don't worry about it..."). Sonic Knuth 4-Ever.



From Issue #1 (The debut Umlaut review...)
Metallica - Arco Arena, Sacramento - 1/11/92
We were supposed to be on the guest list. We weren't. We were pissed. On the way back to the car, some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. We drove 300+ miles, halfway across the fuckin' state for nothing. Metallica probably cleared $200,000 that night. Corporate rock sucks.

From Issue #3
Neurosis - Brave New World, S.F. - 2/10/92
I stood behind Jello Biafra and he made out with his girlfriend for most of the show. It was like being at a Judas Priest concert at the Cow Palace with some slobbering guy and his bimbo girlfriend getting in your face. Get a room, pal! On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Neurosis didn't sell shirts, but the club did have PacMan.

From Issue #3
Dick Dale - Slim's, S.F. - 2/21/92
"I go through so many picks because I grind them so hard when I play they melt." - Dick Dale. I stood behind Jello Biafra again, this time in the merchandise line. I only wanted to get on the mailing list. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Jello got on the mailing list too.

From Issue #4
Public Enemy - Warfield Theater, S.F. - 3/3/92
For the third time in a month I stood behind Jello Biafra at a concert. He put Chapstick on before P.E. came out. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Lotza white folks, but they don't bother me none.

From Issue #6
Sonic Youth / Pavement - Warfield Theater, S.F. - 9/24/92
Hmmm. Things are blurry 'cause I'm writing this a couple of weeks after the show. On the way back to the car, some hazy and indistinct pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I seem to remember riding to the show in the back of a pickup truck.

From Issue #7
Uncle Tupelo / Stimmies - Slim's, S.F. - 2/22/93
Red neck rawk! I felt compelled to drink Budweiser and ride in a pickup, but had to settle for 20 Tank's dark and a Festiva. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Stimmies won cute drummer points, but Uncle Tupelo could take 'em in a bar fight.

From Issue #8
Nirvana / L7 / Disposable Heroes of Hiphopcrisy / The Breeders - Cow Palace, S.F. - 4/9/93
Joey and I watched a guy wearing a Metallica shirt play hackey-sack with a guy wearing a Slayer shirt: Clash of the Titans! Why do people play hackey-sack at arena shows but not at club shows??? On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Kurt Cobain dived from the top of his amps into the drum kit and Joey and I whooped like we were at a rodeo.

From Issue #8
Helmet / Jesus Lizard - Warfield Theater, S.F. - 4/30/93
Helmet onstage is about as exciting as watching mannequins lip sync. However, I highly recommend seeing Jesus Lizard stoned on pot brownies! On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I hit them with my purse and screamed "I am not! I'm a lady!" If Helmet had long hair they wouldn't be such bores. Ditch the gel and RAWK OUT!

From Issue #8
Fugazi - Pier 3, S.F. - 5/1/93
DIY is fine 'n dandy, but when the PA sounds like an AM radio and the venue is a cavernous warehouse, and the atmosphere is zero because the lights are kept on the entire show, and there is NO ALCOHOL (Fuck Straight Edge!), I'll take Corporate Rock any day, thank you very much! On the way back to the car some pimply-faced punks called us fags. I gave 'em baths and combed their hair. Still, it was only $6.00.

From Issue #11
L7 / Chokebore / Acid King - Slim's, S.F. - 12/21/94
The underage boys were out in force to stare doe-eyed at Lori Acid King. A 'lil punker passed out during The King's set. Obviously he couldn't handle the RAWK! Another mohawked tike had Anarchy embroidered on his jacket - Fuck that Hippie Shit! Alcohol consumption = 3 quality beers (2 free!). Backstage score = a bottle of Evian and a glimpse of Joey Acid King's hairy chest. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I chewed 3 sticks of gum and after the show Santa walked out of the Men's Room (It's true!).

From Issue #11
White Zombie / Babes In Toyland / Melvins - Event Center, San Jose - 6/28/95
I got off work early and drove down to San Jose. Big Wayne and I stopped to get a slice of pizza and then dodged commute traffic to get to downtown San Jose. We parked 2 blocks away from the arena. I was wearing a Black Sabbath shirt. During the walk we passed a couple of rocker guys and I heard one of them say "I'm going to kill that guy wearing the Black Sabbath shirt." We got to the Will Call window and had to stand behind radio station / music biz-types. My name wasn't on the guest list. Big Wayne and I went and got coffee. Then we went to a couple of used record stores. I bought the following albums for .99 cents each: Raging Slab, Pat Travers, Saxon, Molly Hatchet, and an old Echo & the Bunnymen EP. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. Then I drove home.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Social Distortion

Social Distortion at The Cubby Bear in Chicago, 1988

Submitted by Miatomic

My brother and The Ramones' got me started on punk, but Social Distortion hooked me. See, I had a crush on this boy named Dean. He was a junior at my high school and I was just a freshman. He gave me a copy of a Social D poster that he'd made in graphics class. And I got one of my friends to drive me to Atomic Records so I could buy the LP. So it all started because I liked a boy...

I got over that crush pretty fast (and that's a story for another post involving The Minutemen!), but I never really got over Social Distortion.

I tried to see them at Cafe Voltaire (or maybe by that point it had changed names and become the Odd Rock Cafe) in Milwaukee. It was 1988 -- Prison Bound was released. I was 18 and a freshman in college.

When I got to the show, Mike Ness was outside lighting firecrackers. My friend's band opened, and then the place was busted by some bored cops who saw a bunch of kids hanging out. They told everyone to leave, that we were over capacity. They kicked us out, chased kids through the parking lot and made plenty of arrests. Lucky for me, I had been returning some borrowed equipment to Social Distortion's van and was hanging out with Dennis when the arrests began. They didn't get to play.

About 2 weeks later, we drove to the Cubby Bear in Chicago. Sham 69 opened. It was incredible. I palled around with Dennis after the show and we had a blast.

In 1992 I saw them open for the Ramones -- and I paid back the punk rock karma by taking my brother backstage.


===
BONUS Social Distortion Moment from Umlaut friend Kathy G.:

"When I was in high school, around 1983, they played at De Anza College in the basement of the student union. I was waiting by the bathroom when the drummer and someone else in the band came by, looking ill. Back onstage, the drummer, while drumming away wildly, barfed over his shoulder and kept playing. Yikes!"

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

1-2-3-4



Circa 1977-78 I saw a local t.v. news report about this thing called "Punk Rock".. My friend and I thought it was funny and we wrote our own "Punk Rock" song lyrics. However, KISS and Star Wars were the only things I seriously cared about at that point in my life. I associated "rebellion" with X-Wing fighters.

A year later one of my best friends in high school was a guy named Monty. He introduced me to the Ramones. Monty had a Johnny Ramone haircut. "It's the end, the end of the 70's..." I haven't seen Monty in at least 15 years.

I'm man enough to admit that I got misty eyed a couple of times during this film.. Genuine emotions about a band... Hmmm. Tis something I didn't feel in any way, shape, or form during Some Kind Of Monster.


1980's Tour Button (from the Umlaut Archives)

For some reason, I imagined that most of the people in the theater were with someone who had attended a Ramones concert with them.. It was true for me (Hey Ho to Jayne!). Afterwards my entourage and I shared our Ramones memories all the way back home (Hey Ho also to Kim and Chris!).

On a certain level the film made me feel old... But at the same time it made me feel fortunate to have seen the Ramones as many times as I did. It also reminded me that I took the band for granted in their later years and opted not to see them several times. Regrets, I've had a few...


Johnny's Guitar Pic (from the Umlaut Archives)

"4-5-6-7 all good cretins go to Heaven.."

***** *****

BONUS Random Rock Star Moment #13: The Ramones

From Umlaut friend Kathy G.:

"The first time I went to Berlin, January 1990, I was on the same plane with the Ramones coming home. Never did get the nerve up to go talk to them..."

***** *****

And this excellent Ramones Memory from Lori Acid King:
"I saw the Ramones in the late 70's at an indoor amusement park in Bollingbrook, IL called Old Chicago. It was the Disco Era and they had a dance contest with the light up floor and the whole 9 yards. After the Ramones played people were riding the indoor roller coaster screaming "Hey Ho! Let's Go!!" and Punk Rockers signed up for the Disco dance contest and pogo'ed on the dance floor next to the spandexers. Pretty funny now that I think about it!"

Friday, September 03, 2004

Jaime's Cryin'


Van Halen - Largo, Maryland - 1982 (vidcap from bootleg DVD)

A midget roadie brings David Lee Roth a bottle of Jack Daniels onstage to toast the crowd with. The band then launch into 'Jamie's Cryin'.

If Dave Matthews did this kinda shit I might not consider him a mortal enemy.

Thanks to Drunk Ted for the Van Halen DVD hook up. Flipside 4-Ever, my brutha.


From Flipside (Issue #80) - Sept/Oct 1992

"C'mon Dave, gimme a break... One break, comin' up.."

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Rollins

This piece originally appeared in Umlaut #7 (March 1993)


The Time Chris Moore Met Henry Rollins -
As told by Joey Osbourne


In 1986, Chris Moore drove from our college dorm in Kentucky to Tennessee to see Black Flag in Memphis. Chris is a mild mannered chap, but on this night something possessed him. Most likely it was the whiskey he had been drinking.

Outside of the club Chris noticed Rollins sitting by himself reading or writing something. Chris had heard that Rollins was a big Lou Reed fan, so he went up to him and requested "Hey, play 'Sweet Jane' tonight." Rollins said "No." Chris asked again. Rollins said "No." Chris asked again. Rollins said "Go away."

Once the show began, Chris stumbled drunkingly around the club and somehow ended up backstage. Once there, he proceeded to knock over some of Black Flag's equipment, delaying the show for awhile. Chris managed to stay backstage and eventually Black Flag began their set around 2:00am.

For reasons unknown to this day, Chris came running full speed from off stage and tackled Rollins from behind and both of them fell into the crowd. Rollins kept singing as he fell. When they hit the floor, Rollins stood up and kneed Chris very hard in the face. He then made his way back onstage.

Chris stood up, blood streaming from his nose and covering his face and shirt, and announced "Okay, time to go.." and walked out of the club.

THE END

Addendum: Unfortunately, Get In The Van does not give the Rollins version of this incident. In the years since this piece was originally published, it is remembered as one of the "legendary" Umlaut pieces.. but who knew that it wasn't quite accurate. Eighteen years later, Chris Moore sets the record straight:

"It's pretty funny but it's not really accurate cuz it's from Joey, who wasn't there. He got the basic premise down as far as getting kneed in the jaw by Hank but it was while we were slamming and doing stage dives. It was a night of drunken whiskey drinkin' in Nashville at a crappy DIY club. I don't know where he got the part about tripping over Black Flag's equipment. I remember playing with some knobs on their amps during Painted Willy's set and my friend Mike told me that it distorted their sound more than their usual distorted sound."

"There wasn't a backstage. I was saying something belligerent to 'ol Hank about when they were going on and told him to play 'Sweet Jane'. It was like 2:00am and the show hadn't started. I got more belligerent as the show didn't go on and told him to start the show. He told me to get the fuck outta his face."

"During my last dive of the night I tackled ol' Hank and we both went crashing to the hard concrete ground cuz all the other punks decided to move outta the way. Hank was pissed and kneed me right square in the jaw and my mouth was bleeding. This was around 3:00am and it was time to go. I still put in my 8 the next day at work."

"About a week or so later my friend saw Black Flag in Louisville. He saw a guy writing in a notebook and asked him where he could buy tickets. My friend didn't recognize that it was Hank until the guy looked up and told him to get outta his fucking face."

"About 3 weeks later I saw Black Flag at the Jockey Club in Newport, KY. Hank had an arm in a sling and a fucked up ankle. I'd like to think it was from our date in Nashville."


Editor's Note: Umlaut has attended many Giants and A's games with Chris. He has yet to tackle a player on the field.

Thirty-five dollars and a six pack to my name..

Friday, August 27, 2004

America's Sweethearts

This post is courtesy of Umlaut confidante Skychick:



At 35,000 feet above the Atlantic aboard a flight heading back to the U.S. from the 2004 Olympics: U.S. Gymnasts Courtney McCool (L.) and Courtney Kupets (R.) bask in the glory of their 2nd Place Finish. Courtney #2 also earned a Bronze Medal in the "Uneven Bars" competition. Whatever that is...

Courtney #1 is showing off the Silver Medal the U.S. Team brought home from Greece. "We're Number Two! We're Number Two!!"

Skychick reports that Courtney #1 and Courtney #2 surreptitiously asked for ice cream. They revealed they couldn't let their coach know about the treat. The Courtneys not only had second, but THIRD servings of the forbidden delicacy. With so much media attention being paid to steroids, I think there's a more compelling and sinister story involving the abuse of desserts and sweets by our athletes. The "Liberal Media" indeed.



Umlaut must admit that he hasn't watched The Olympics, but out of boredom would argue that the team probably returned in disgrace. "We're Number Two!" sounds like a rationalization for success to me. They lost the Gold Medal to ROMANIA. When was the last time America lost anything to Romania?!

However, Skychick reports that America's Sweethearts were indeed sweethearts... and they gave her an official USA Gymnastics 2004 pin for supplying them with "The Junk".



I'm so bored with the U.S.A... but what can I do?" - The Clash

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Nick Cave

Nick Cave @ Rough Trade Records
San Francisco - August 8, 1992
(Pic by Kathleen Gonzalez)

While Umlaut tends to have a decidedly RAWK tone, close friends know that Nick Cave has been my favorite songwriter for many years. I've been past the point of obsession over his music several times since 1988. This fixation spiked in 1999 when I jetted to London to see him give a lecture and perform solo at the Royal Festival Hall (home of the London Symphony).

I also spent months hunting down a French promo CD with an alternate version of a song Cave did for a movie soundtrack. The song is available no where else (Note for the geeks: The song is 'What Can I Give You'.. An early version of 'Far Away, So Close'..). Drool... Yes, I am a junkie... but at least I don't have to bleach my rig before sharing it with you. I can just burn you a copy, man. I'd like to note that my hunt was done pre-Internet (take THAT Ebay muthafuckers!).

Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

Anyway, when Cave & the Bad Seeds came through town in 1992 they did an autograph session at the now defunct Rough Trade Records on Haight Street. I brought my hardcover copy of Cave's novel And The Ass Saw The Angel for him to sign. Since all of the Bad Seeds were in attendance I had them sign the book as well. When it was my turn to "meet" Cave he had just lit a cigarette (see above pic - the shoulder on the right is Umlaut's..). He was also drinking from a bottle of Southern Comfort. I asked if he could sign "To Brian". Cave took a drag from the cigarette, took a Sharpie, and inscribed my book. I'd like to note that he was a bit fucked up.


Another Cave encounter happened in 1998 at the Warfield Theater. Backstage after the show were 3/4 of Metallica. It was one of those moments where my past collided with my present. James Hetfield was aloof and threw a gratuitous "Hey, man..." my way. In contrast, Kirk Hammett greeted me as an old friend. At one point in our conversation it was revealed that Metallica were going to cover Cave's 'Loverman' on their upcoming Garage Inc. album. Twas a rather profound moment for me to be perfectly honest. Once again my life was The Ouroboros... I know what you're saying to yourself: "WHATEVER"... But I'd like to note that I was completely gobsmacked.

The classic moment came when Cave walked past Kirk and I. Kirk (aka A Guitar God) went to shake Cave's hand.. and Cave brushed past him without even acknowledging the Mega Rock Star! Perhaps Cave didn't recognize Kirk, but I'd like to think that he did. Another Mega Rock Star might have been offended by this slight and perhaps thrown an ego tantrum. However, Kirk simply looked at his hand and then at his wife and they both started laughing. I'd like to note that some Rock Stars aren't assholes.

"I ain't down here for your love or money.. I'm down here for your soul."

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Romeo Delight

As a footnote to a spirited and classic BBQ debate this weekend (complete with air guitar), this post is dedicated to Joey Acid King.


Women & Children First Tour. One of the best concerts I saw in high school. It was David Lee Roth's 26th birthday and they wheeled a giant cake onstage with a stripper inside (natch!)... Roth also announced that the show was being recorded for a live album (It was never released..). The guys sitting next to my friend did lines of coke off a pocket mirror.


Fair Warning Tour. The only thing I can remember about this gig is that the sound sucked. However, if you ever see the video for 'Unchained' it was filmed at these Oakland shows.

"I'm takin' whiskey to the party tonight.. and I'm lookin' for somebody to squeeze.."

P.S. By 1982 I was *over* Van Halen and all about Iron Maiden.


Friday, August 20, 2004

Cold Steel and D20 Glory

Dungeons & Dragons Turns 30


Umlaut's copy of the Advanced D&D Players Handbook (circa 1978)... and an unholy beast!

"Something's taken a child, and it all must end...Time to be killing the dragon again.." - Ronnie James Dio

Long live Krago The Dwarf! Gone these many years.. Decades actually.. But his character sheet bears witness to his glorious life. His tomb shall be graced with flowers and legend forevermore. Children shall sing of his exploits... Men shall wish to be like him... Women shall wish to be betrothed to one like him.....

Actually, all of that D&D crap is in a box in the attic with a bunch of other stuff I haven't looked at in probably 10 years.

"Circles and Rings.. Dragons and Kings.. Weaving a charm and a spell.." - Ronnie James Dio

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

4,500 Seconds I'll Never Get Back.....

AC/DShe are a wildly popular band in S.F. these days. Friends have raved about them. "You gotta see 'em", etc. etc. My friends are very dear to me and I respect their opinions... BUT I haven't checked them out because I can't spend $15 to see a cover band.. and it bothers me on a certain level that a cover band can sell out a 500 seat club in S.F.. This is the city The Mummies called home, for dog's sake!

No matter how clever a cover band's schtick might be, I'd rather spend $8 to see a band like The Vue (my current faves). Eight bucks for a band who rocks hard and honestly with their own excellent creativity.. Plus The Vue usually throws in a KILLER Suicide cover that gets me off more than any AC/DC cover.

(Note: In 1982 I spent 6 hours IN THE RAIN waiting for AC/DC at the Cow Palace. 'For Those About To Rock' Tour... So don't you dare call me a poser!)

To be fair, I can't deny that AC/DShe probably has the musicianship and talent to warrant their top draw status. When I learned that their singer has a side band called Nagg I was interested. My interest became greater after I heard a couple of Nagg songs on a compilation CD called 'The Sound of San Francisco'. I liked what I heard. Of course, the next step was to see them live. However, several Nagg shows in S.F. have come and gone this Summer without me making an effort to attend.

So, picture me at around 7:00pm tonight.. Glancing through the new issue of the S.F. Bay Guardian I noticed that Nagg were scheduled to play at the Bottom of the Hill. Evidently they were playing TONIGHT. The club's calendar listed them first on the bill, which meant an early evening. Excellent.... or so I thought.

By 8:00pm I was ordering a burrito at a favorite Mission District taqueria.

By 8:40pm I was ordering a beer at the Bottom of the Hill's bar. I wandered past the merch table and noticed that Nagg's new CD wasn't being displayed. Hmmm. Danger, Will Robinson...

By 8:50pm the club was still empty with no more than 15 people milling about. It wasn't the sparse crowd that concerned me.. It was the type of people who were milling about and slowly trickling through the door.

They weren't Rockers.

The kidz were way too thrift store nerdy.. Their retro thrift store shoes clashed with my dirty black engineer boots. Their retro thrift store sweaters and blazers clashed with my black Dickies jacket. One guy was wearing a too small 70's belted jacket and was obviously trying to channel Oscar Wilde as he held his mixed drink in one hand and posed his other hand 1/2 way in his jacket pocket. Something wasn't right.

I then overheard the sound guy say the show was starting a 1/2 hour late due to a problem with the first band. I found a copy of the S.F. Guardian (the same issue that had inspired me to venture out of the house) and turned to the Bottom of the Hill ad.. SON OF A BITCH! Nagg are playing TOMORROW night. GODDAMMIT! O.K... NOW you can call me a poser.

It turned out tonight's show was being headlined by an act called Cex... Evidently he's an indie electronica act or something. Evidently he's quite popular. However, tis NOT my scene. Faster than you could say "GUITAHH!" I had downed the rest of my pint and was outta there. By 9:15pm I was unlocking the door to my house.

Beer count = 1. A surgically precise fuck up. This incident wasted about 75 minutes of my life, but I (re)learned a valuable lesson. Kids, always ask yourself "What is today's date?" On the way back to the car I called myself a fag. I miss The Mummies.


"My love is stronger than dirt..."

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Random Rock Star Moment #13: Joe Perry

Joe Perry
The Keystone, Palo Alto, CA
August 28, 1982


(Photo by Umlaut)

This pic was taken when Joe was performing solo with the Joe Perry Project. He was fucked up... The band even left the stage for awhile before resuming the show. Afterwards we stood by the backstage door in hopes of meeting Joe, but he and the band did a runner to a waiting white van. Joe huddled in the backseat as the van zoomed off.

"Seeds of a thousand, drawn to her sin. Seasons of wither, holding me in.."

Monday, August 09, 2004

The Libertines



A select few in the Umlaut circle know about my Anglophile ways. I've spent more time in London than any other city outside of San Francisco. I blame Monty Python. Of course, this affection for Albion has profoundly influenced my record collection over the years.

There's the obvious Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Motorhead, and NWOBHM (look it up..). My roots, bloody roots (to quote Sepultura). In later years that grew to include Humble Pie, The Faces, Zeppelin, Jam, Clash, etc. etc. blah blah blah. However, it all began with a midnight screening of the movie Quadrophenia when I was 15. The Who in 1979 was my 2nd concert ever and that set the tone for my Brit Rock leanings.

Readers of this space have been exposed to my recent madness for The Darkness. However, truth be known, my favorite of the contemporary English bands is actually The Libertines. Old Metal friends probably won't understand, but I'm all about their punkish, cheeky, and very English style. The fact that Mick Jones produced both of their albums speaks volumes and lends itself appropriately to the band's Old School Brit Rock vibe.



Recently The Libertines quietly made an "official" bootleg (Titled 'Piss Me Off') available as a free download. The recording is of a complete show from April, 2004 in London and features a preview of several new songs. Hmmm.. a band allowing the free downloading of a bootleg featuring new (and unreleased) songs?! Isn't that a bad thing?? Sounds like some kind of monster to me.

Featured in the set was a cover of The Only Ones song 'Another Girl, Another Planet' with The Only Ones singer Peter Perrett on vocals. Yes, the song was "made famous" by The Replacements, but some have argued over the years that The 'Mats assumed much of their sound from that English band.. If anyone cares... (Music geeks are such sad and opinionated souls.. Damn you Nick Hornby. But if anyone wants to debate Guadalcanal Diary vs. IRS-era R.E.M., bring it on...).

The Only Ones are an obscure band by anyone's standards, but the fact that The Libertines know and acknowledged them makes perfect sense. It's the type of connection that causes music geeks to "pitch a tent" (Note: Ironically, The Only Ones final tour in 1980 ended abruptly in San Francisco after Perrett ran someone over with a car... Geek out.).

Another thing I like about The Libertines is that they can't simply be called another bunch of pasty white English lads by lazy critics... Since they're not all pasty white blokes:



(Note: Gary, the drummer and non-pasty member, played drums for the reformed New York Dolls at their reunion shows in the UK earlier this year..)

In closing, what follows is a rant The Libertines inspired last August following their S.F. debut:

The Libertines
330 Rich St. - Aug. 1, 2003 + Slim's - Aug. 3, 2003, S.F.


Late Sunday afternoon I watched a rebroadcast of the Manchester United vs. Juventus exhibition match in New York from Thursday.. Since Man Utd. dominated I took it as a sign to go see The Libertines at Slim's after all.

I also figured I should see them at a "proper" gig after seeing them at 330 Ritch St. on Friday night.. Rich St. was like seeing them in a pub (a small, hot, and sweaty room with a tiny, knee-high stage and a dodgy sound system surrounded by drunk kids). It wasn't seeing them under the best conditions (although I liked them).

I will venture to say that the show last night at Slim's was my favorite gig so far this year.. It was like seeing a gig in Camden Town... complete with old school BritPop (The Jam) and reggae (Junior Murvin's 'Police & Thieves') playing over the PA between bands.. Slim's was crowded (I'd guess 300-350 in a space that holds around 500) and the band was FOOKIN' GLEAT!! The crowd was into it and there was much pogoing (yayy)..

I love the band because of their cheekiness and for being so English (not unlike Kinks / Jam / early Oasis)... and they have that punky edge onstage (which is probably why Mick Jones produced their album). It's like watching a car careening down a mountain road without brakes, but they manage to keep it together and make all the turns.

Plus, the band has that hungry energy of being on their first tour in support of their first album. They may be cheeky, but they're not jaded. How could I not smile when a kid down front yelled out how much he loved the band and the guitarist reached over and gave the kid a beer from his onstage stash. Rock 'N Roll the way it should be.

The Libertines are my favorite of the recent English bands because they continue the old school BritPop edgy guitar tradition of the Kinks and The Jam combined with really great lyrics (so Ray Davies / Kinks-like at times):

"If you've lost your faith in love and music the end won't be long.
Because if it's gone for you then I too may lose it and that would be wrong.
You know I've tried so hard to keep myself from falling back into my bad old ways.
And it chars my heart to always hear you calling, calling for the good old days.
Because there were no good old days.
These are the good old days."


- from 'The Good Old Days'

God Save The Queen.



Check out Umlaut friends Reynolds & Hearn for top notch literature on British music, film, and television (Cheers Marcus!):



Saturday, August 07, 2004

Pablo Picasso Was Never Called An Asshole

This piece was created by Umlaut's niece when she was 3 years old. The title was translated and inscribed by her parental unit:


Ashlyn H.
This is a butterfly and he crying next to his mommy. He had to go poo-pee in the toilet, 2000
Crayon and felt marker on card stock
Collection of Umlaut
© Neckbrace Productions, San Francisco


Christie's and Lars Ulrich can just get in line when this masterpiece goes up for auction.

Monday, August 02, 2004

Hell Bent For Leatha: The 6 Days of Rock

The 6 Days of Rock thundered across the Umlaut landscape from July 27th through August 1st. When The Rock Godz call Umlaut, their siren call of "Me rock you long time" must be heeded.. and it was good.

July 27th:
Jet / Sloan
The Fillmore, San Francisco


Me likey Jet’s greasy haired, unshaven, unkempt Rock. They also get Bonus Points for playing The Faces as their intro tape.. And a gold star on their foreheads for only charging $15 for t-shirts. I can’t remember the last time I saw merch being sold for “reasonable” prices at a Corporate Rock venue like the historic Fillmore.

Beer count = 1. Leatha Rating = Low… but Jet’s drummer did wear his leather jacket for the entire set. I’d hate to be near that thing on the tour bus. Average height of the crowd = 5’7” or so. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. The exodus of scenesters prior to the encores was unfortunate. Choke on your Abercrombie & Fitch-flavored Kool Aid!

July 29th:
The Vue
The Great American Music Hall, San Francisco




Before I go any further I must state that as of this week, The Vue are my favorite band. I’ve been seeing bands since 1978 and only a handful have been as locked into The Rock onstage. The Vue are locked. The first time I saw them I couldn't stop saying to myself "They are the real deal.." and I've said that after every one of their shows since. Rock Star Crushes aside.

Beer count = 2. Leatha Rating = Low. Average height of the crowd = 5'8" or so. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenage prostitutes called us fags. I can't remember the last time a band's merch person gave me free stuff for saying how much I liked the band.. but it happened on this night.

July 30th:
Judas Priest / Slayer
Sleep Train Amphitheatre, Marysville, CA




A surgically precise 265 mile (round trip) road trip to California's Central Valley. The venue was in the middle of bumfuck nowhere surrounded by farms, new soulless real estate developments, and road kill.

SLAYER: The Slayer fan "call and response" is a sociological phenomenon that has humored folks like me for years. It goes something like this: At a gig, one Slayer fan shouts (or screams) "SLAAAYAAAHH!!" to no one in particular. In response, Slayer fans in the vicinity (usually wasted) shout (or scream) "SLAAAYAAAHH!!" back at the original shouter. At this show we witnessed this (1) in the parking lot, (2) at the entrance gate, (3) in the Men's Room, and (4) in the seats. Hearing a Men's Room full of pissing dudes screaming "SLAAAYAAAHH!!" at each other must be what a Superbowl locker room feels like.

However, the joke was on the Slayer Call & Response dudes since while most of them milled around the concourse getting drunk and yelling at each other, SLAAAYAAAHH walked onstage way earlier than expected since the advertised opening act was cancelled. It was criminal for Slayer to play in front of a practically empty amphitheater.

One of the highlights of Slayer's set was a wannabe Suicide Girl a couple of rows in front of us. She sang along PERFECTLY to every song.. Her memorization of the lyrics was VERY impressive. The two dudes sitting in front of her (obviously there to see Priest) even turned around to see what the deal was since while she sang she also banged her head, jumped up and down, and gave the devil horn sign. She'll make someone a fine psychopatic spouse some day.

The pit action during 'Seasons In The Abyss' and 'Angel Of Death' was sublime. 'South Of Heaven' made me smile. Dude! They played 'Postmortem'! Meanwhile, the two little daughters of Slayer members watched the fun from the side of the stage (awwww). They looked bored.

Prior to the gig, I counted on soaking up some Central Valley White Supremacist fun and I wasn't disappointed. (Note to non-Californians: Despite Cali's liberal rep, we have a nice White Supremacist movement in our Central Valley, thank you very much). Twas sweet seeing white boys walking around sans shirts with "WHITE POWER" tattooed across their stomachs. Such irony that they follow Slayer when Tom Araya isn't close to being Aryan. Perhaps they think his name is Tom ARYAN. Goofball racist fucks.

"I dance with the dead in my dreams, listen to their hallowed screams.."

JUDAS PRIEST: From 1980-82 Judas Priest were my favorite band. Ironically, my friends and I were completely clueless about the homoerotic undertones in Priest's music. We innocently drove up to S.F. and bought our studded belts and wristbands at gay leather shops.. "That giant rubber fist is kinda weird... I wonder what it's.. NO WAY! That belt is JUST LIKE Halford's!!" Kidz these days with their safe and sterile Hot Topic shopping are wimps.

Unfortunately, Priest chose to play the godawful 'Turbo Lover' and a semi-acoustic version of 'Diamonds & Rust'. My guess is the latter is Halford's exclamation that he's out of the closet since he channeled Joan Baez quite heavily during the performance. Note to non-Metal readers: 'Diamonds & Rust' is a Joan Baez song that Priest covered and made their own. For old Metalheads it should have been our first clue that Halford was gay.. but alas we were clueless 'cause the Priest version ROCKED.

'Green Manalishi', 'Victim Of Changes', and 'Beyond The Realms Of Death' were total godhead. Me smile and bang head. Good.

Beer count = 1. Leatha Rating = THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF!! Priest are BACK! Average height of the crowd = 6' or so. For the first time in the 12 years of Umlaut, we were called fags BEFORE the show instead of on the way back to the car! Stunning. A pimply-faced teenaged waiter in a Sacramento brew pub did so by his facial reaction when Timo ordered a PINK lemonade instead of a beer. When he brought the check he also said "Do YOU TWO want anything else?" The implication that Timo and I were a couple was obvious. We said "No thanks" and told him we were on our way to see that openly homosexual Heavy Metal band Judas Priest.

"The air's electric, sparking power...loaded... loaded.."

August 1st (Early):
Hot Chick Stoner BBQ DVD Release Party
Featuring Old Grandad / Acid King / Totimoshi
Bottom of the Hill, San Francisco




On a serious note: Of all The 6 Days of Rock shows, this was the most special since a family emergency developed the night before (Get well soon Dixie! Love, Mom & Dad). Hanging out with so many old friends at this gig meant a lot (A huge shout out to "The Core".. You know who you are..).

Anyway, back to bizness: Eight bucks at the door got you 3 of S.F. / Oakland's finest (and heaviest) bands AND all you can eat BBQ. Hey! You got RAWK in my BBQ! And you got BBQ in my RAWK! This was the type of show that made me want to keep my hair long and (occasionally) greasy. Posers will pay the price. It was also the type of show that felt like you were standing behind a dump truck as it unloaded 2 tons of mud on top of you.. but in a good way.

Beer count = 2. Leatha Rating = Moderate. Average height of the crowd = 5'7" or so. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. In another life (and another band) I saw Acid King's drummer perform on that same stage wearing fish net stockings, which he showed off by standing on his drum stool.

August 1st (Late):
The Hives / Sahara Hotnights
The Fillmore, San Francisco


I think "The Hives" translates from Swedish into "The Swedes don't know how to pull off an ironic sense of humor the way the English can". In the hands of the Swedes irony comes off as annoying. But I suppose it's the best they can do considering IKEA is all their fault.

Beer count = ZERO. Leatha Rating = ZERO. It was simply shocking how NORMAL looking the crowd was.. Average height of the crowd = 5'6" or so. Umlaut aide Miatomic battled The Hives' Southeast Asian fan base.. Literally and figuratively. On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called us fags. I think "Sahara Hotnights" translates from Swedish into "The Donnas".

And on The 7th Day Umlaut rested.

With The 6 Days of Rock over, I can think of nothing more appropriate than to watch the best San Francisco movie (IMO):

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

"Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor?" - Spock

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Moon Man & Disposable Heroes

While walking to the local taqueria this evening, I passed a sports memorabilia shop. An event flyer in their window caught my eye:


GREG MINTON.

Candlestick Park in the 80's. The best of times, the worst of times. The best night games EVER vs. the Dodgers. Smoke bombs. Cops in riot gear lining the back of the bleacher section. FIGHTS. Beer vendors in the stands.

Good fuckin' times.

The Disposable Heroes of 1986-87:


[From the Umlaut Archives]

"Bodies fill the fields I see, hungry heroes end..."

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Hope I Die Before I Get Sold

BEAUTIFUL LOSERS: CONTEMPORARY ART and STREET CULTURE
Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, San Francisco




An exhibition tracing the influence of skateboarding, graffiti, punk, and hip hop subcultures on today's aesthetic. Blah Blah Blah. Yawn. Enough of all that ed-ju-macated dissertation and dissection. The most profound way to appreciate these influences is to simply visit the Hot Topic store in your local suburban mall.

There were Black Flag albums and 7" singles archival mounted in wall displays. Copies of Raymond Pettibon and Pushead fanzines lay hermetically sealed under glass. I have the same TV Party 7" that was behind glass, but my copy is on a shelf in a cardboard box with my other 7" records (of course, they're all protected by 3 Mil polybags...). The first Suicidal Tendencies album was exhibited next to Misfits, Sonic Youth, and Metallica 12" records not unlike pieces of Ming Dynasty art.

“Umm…Dahling... Look at that Misfits album cover…Is that what you call it? The cover? My god, the artwork is sublime..”

Young hipsters and scenesters elbowed through the galleries. I recognized a couple of aging hipster faces from the old Kennel Club, Chameleon, Brave New World, Nightbreak, etc. etc. The young hipster kidz seemed oblivious to the irony of their designer cut CBGB's shirts. Meanwhile, Frank Kozik and the bassist from Green Day brushed past them unrecognized. I made eye contact with Mike Green Day. Yeah, once upon a time I saw your band in a shithole club with only 30 other people. But that was then and this is now.



Pictured above: James Hetfield and the Metallica Zorlac skateboards circa 1986. Old Metalheads will remember that back in the 80's James was a skater. He even went so far as to break his arm while skateboarding backstage during the Master Of Puppets Tour. The band cancelled a show, but continued the tour for 2 months with James' arm in a cast and their guitar roadie filling in on axe.

Fast forward 18 years and Metallica is airing their millionaire rehab laundry on a multiplex movie screen near you and selling their art collections at Christie's. Those same Metallica Zorlac boards are now hanging in an art museum. That was then and this is now.

Leaving the gallery I had a tangible feeling of all the time that has passed in my life. Not in a bad way, but in a "I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all" way. Like mileage on an odometer.

Back at the car I turned on the radio to 107.7's weekly Bone Metal Zone.. Amazingly, they were playing Armored Saint's Can U Deliver.Only the Old Metalheads reading this will crack a smile and know what I'm talking about. WV, BS, LS, DG, IK, KD: I actually thought of y'all at that moment.

"Here's your chance to please... Can you deliver?"

I cranked up the volume and drove back to the sanctity of my life in the 21st Century. This is now.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Hacking Into The Making of The Matrix

Note: Better late than never! A longtime Umlaut friend chronicled the experience of being an extra during the filming of The Matrix sequels. It then languished in the Umlaut Vaults... Until now.


Hacking Into The Making of The Matrix:
Random Recollections Of An Extra

by b001ian

Matrix Extra Chronology

Thursday March 8, 2001: E-mail forwarded by Lucasfilm employee/friend saying they need lots of people for the Martrix sequels. Beau Bonneau is casting handling registration. Turns out that the wife of an ILM person is a casting assistant at Beau Bonneau.

Wednesday, March 14: Went in to Beau Bonneau, paid the $20 to register, filled out my profile and they took a few digital shots of me. Word at the time was that the shooting would start in late April or May.

Early May: Finally hack together a performance resume (most of it from 8-10 years ago), complete my profile online, and mark my calendar as available for extras work, assuming it will be soon.

Wait for a week.

Wait another week.

May 22: The agency calls and wants me to be one of the extra drivers for their freeway shoot. Not exciting, but I figure why not? One problem. Though they only need me for one day, and I'll be in my car, they want me to shave all my facial hair. If it were a few days maybe, but I pass on this one.

Friday June 1: For reasons unrelated to the Matrix shoot (I assumed it was done with at this point), I cut my hair to the nub (8" long pigtails saved for posterity) and shaved my face clean for the first time in 4 years.

Tuesday, June 5: I get an email saying my photo's been selected and to call to confirm my availability. I tell them I look completely different from my earlier photo. They say it doesn't matter. I'm in! A fitting on Friday is scheduled and I'm told to wear a thong if I have one. I don't, so I'm hoping lycra bicycle shorts will do.

Friday, June 8: I drive to the set in Alameda for a costume fitting. The facial expressions of the costume people are merciless. You know exactly what they think is wrong with your appearance when they look at you. The occasional catty comment doesn't hurt either. I'm outfitted with a "wifebeater" (tank top), and other items and head to make-up for final judgement.

The make-up people speak authoritatively in soft voices bordering on meditative:

- Don't cut any more hair.
- Get some more sun (dark pigmentation is a plus on this shoot).
- Don't paint your nails (they were kidding).

They take a couple of digital shots of me in costume before I change back into my civilian clothes. Lower on the rung, the production assistants help us fill out paperwork while whining about how long the shoot was taking and being 365 miles from home. Missing their partners is a common theme.

An hour later in S.F. I had lunch with friends. A story is told about a friend that runs a small cafe on Russian Hill. Keanu Reeves came for coffee just after she had closed up shop. She let him in, and made him a lunch too. He was truly grateful. So much so that he sent flowers, a note and gift basket the next day. Another friend tells me that Keanu bought 20 Harleys from the Oakland dealership that his friend manages. A couple of weeks later, I would see identical new Harleys all around the set being driven by crew members. He may never win an Oscar, but a humanitarian award my not be out of the question if he applies this sort of gratitude in a more global fashion at some point in his life.

Friday, June 15: I call the Matrix extra hotline as instructed for Monday's call time. I find out that the shoot using the extras has been delayed unless you are "one of the following people." Three minutes and a hundred or so names later, I'm not one of the chosen. I have to call again next Tuesday.

Tuesday, June 20: It's on! Call time is early the next morning

Summer Solstice, June 21: Apropriately, it is hot and crowded. After changing into costume, hundreds of us are herded in shuttle buses to the extras compound. There is one large tent for the men and another for the women. Breakfast buffet is waiting. Non-stop fruit, soda, coffee, tea and water there for the taking. Port-o-potties are in the distance near the edge of the compound.

It was quite a scene: 500 women, 500 men -- mostly young and of African ancestry-- dressed similarly on a hot day sharing the same experience. By afternoon the vibe was akin to a wedding reception sans the alcohol and the common bloodlines. Put another way, the filming was no longer at the fore of many peoples minds.

The first time on stage was wonderful. Mr. Fishburne -- nee, Morpheus-- got a rock star's reception and he played the crowd's energy into the takes. I got to hold a prop for this shot. It felt good to be differentiated. (Might make it easier to spot myself on freeze frame a few years from now when the DVD is out).


On this 14-hour day, the most aerobic activity came last , when we were exhausted and the sound stage was hot, and low on oxygen. Despite some people passing out from the heat, plenty of people were alert enough to mug for the camera while in action -- prompting the director to remind everyone NOT to do that between shots.

Though many had an obvious, albeit superficial, hunger for fame, there were just as many resigned to their role here as one of 1000 warm bodies filling up space on a sound stage for barely minimum wage and free meals. Those who had done extras work before took it in stride, those newer to the experience had hints of disappointment in their faces and posture. This was not their big break in show biz, it was a job. A job that did not require special talent, intelligence or charm.

When I walked home from my car it was hard to tell if I was on the street or some other soundstage. The boundaries of perception were elastic after a long hot day on a short nights rest.

Thursday June 22: Now that we all knew each other, the energy amongst the extras was festive and familiar. Two hundred extras didn't make it from the prior day due to exhaustion or other heat/dehydration related ailments. Fresh troops showed up throughout the day. Among them were people who I'd met in passing once before at various stages of my life. It was remarkable that we could trace the when and where of these encounters, but we did.

The main event Thursday began midday -- and it wasn't on the soundstage. Starting with a couple of 5 gallon plastic water jugs for drums, a boom box with a mic, and the chants, claps and voices of a dozen others, something spontaneous and beautiful began to grow. Within the hour it had bloomed into a full scale party. Hundreds of people in a circle of rhythm and song. In the center of the circle were male and female emcees trading rhymes, capoeria artists facing off one on one, and eventually just a whole lot of dancing and singing. It lasted about 2 hours.

The documentary crew caught most of this on film, most notably the segment when Carrie Ann Moss joined the party and did a little dance with others in a line. This was the high point of the whole extras experience for many. It completely overshadowed the local band they had playing in the extras lot at lunch that day. As one of the crew put it, "This just doesn't happen in LA."

This energy definitely carried over onto the soundstage that day and the directors were very pleased that we could bring that much genuine verve onto the set.

Friday, June 22: The weather had cooled. After consecutive 14 hour days the extras were pretty much drained. Fortunately, the work load was light for most of the extras that day. After lunch and hours of waiting, we were called in one last time They weren't doing a take, just taking turns to thank us for our time and energy. The Wachoski Bros, Fishburne, and Aaliyah splashed us with good words. We returned to the extras tent where one by one a few people were pulled aside to participate in the following week's shoot. Most of us got to go home early that day. We'd tasted what it was like to be a part of a mega-budget sequel, but it was the same old reality for dessert.. a wind from the northwest, fog lurching through the Golden Gate and heavy traffic awaiting our drive home.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Random Extra Bios

Tall east Indian guy next to me in line at the fitting just laid off from his dot-bomb's product dev group. He drove all the way from Santa Cruz for the fitting.. "It's something to do" was a common refrain around the room adding "when will I have the opportunity and time to do this again? It should be fun."

Extra #172 who spilled the beans to Ain't It Cool News and got fired the next day. Undaunted by this, I witnessed several people calling from their well concealed cell phones before the cameras rolled.. No doubt someone at the other end was listening or taping the proceedings.

The stripper with the breast implants, over-whitened teeth, bleach blonde hair layered over latina features. She warmed up before shots doing strip moves that included throwing her hips, vogueing, etc.. On the second day she brought designer luggage on set and handed out nude, autographed posters of herself to the crew. She did not show up -- or perhaps was not welcome-- on the last day of shooting.

The muscle freak with the over-dyed black hair (pushing 40, trying for ~28) and the guido persona hitting on every perceived hoochie mama he saw on set. He was in a constant state of posing, flexing, and looking as Stallone-like as possible at all times. He never smiled.

The biotech researcher who quit her job to get back into music, possibly as a teacher. Something more meaningful than protein cultures and DNA sequencing had to be out there she believed.

The local emcee who lit up the place Thursday with wit, charm and good ole fashioned star power. Friday he got upgraded to a more prominent extra role, then retained for the folowing week's shoot.

The yoga woman from New York who's just here for the summer house- sitting. She actually does acting in NYC, but has no illusions about extras work being anything more than an spectator experience.

Keanu's buddies from Dogstar got to be in the shoot as part of (naturally) a band. Aside from being in many more shots, offstage they got the same treatment as any of the other extras. So much for who you know.

A very thin, young African-American woman who's been doing extras work in the Bay Area since 1997. She didn't seem overly impressed by anything going on, though she still liked being there. On some level she seemed to be preparing for a much bigger path in life, but it was a well kept secret for now.


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

The Great Escape

July 4th Weekend 2004
London, England

A surgically precise Pond Jump. Hopped on a plane. Going Underground... Down in the Tube Station at Midnight. This is the Modern World that I've learned about. Hopped on a plane. Home.

By coincidence, Euro Sports was the specter haunting this expedition. Praise be to the Angel of Duty Free for another successful adventure (Hi Kim!).

European Cup 2004 Final: Portugal vs. Greece. Wandered into one pub and it was too crowded. Wandered into another pub and its t.v. reception was terrible. Wandered into a third pub and it was just right. The Crown & Thorn in Covent Garden was armed with a mighty 42" plasma screen powered by digital / satellite cable. God Save The Queen. Everyone seemed slightly intimidated by the passive aggressive Greek fan who kept saying "Go the Greek!" every couple of minutes with his arms outstretched.



That tennis player Andy Roddick was on the flight outta London (Continental Flight 35 if you must know... London > Houston). I hear he's pretty good. Twas a mere 24 hours after he lost the 2004 Wimbledon Final. He still made $1 Million for losing so don't feel sorry for him. Despite the fresh pain of defeat he was gracious enough to scribble what is supposidely his signature on scraps of paper:



David Beckham could probably kick his ass. Literally (cue rim shot).

A television commercial for a UK chain called The Cellphone Warehouse uses The Kinks song 'Days'... Bummer. Meanwhile, I scored a sweet new 49 track Mod compilation CD (Who, Jam, Small Faces, Motown, etc).

Bell Boy... I gotta get runnin' now.


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

All the little kids growing up on the skids are going "Cleveland Rocks!"

The Darkness
Scene Pavilion, Cleveland, Ohio
June 15, 2004


Upon arrival in Cleveland I was starving. So I stumbled to the Hard Rock Café since it was 2 blocks from my hotel. Once again I was reminded what a misnomer “Hard Rock” Café is in reality. They were playing decidedly un-Hard Rock music, most of it easily defined as “crap”. I did enjoy ‘Seasons In The Sun’ > ‘Kung Fu Fighting’ back-to-back, but is it wise to play ‘Seasons In The Sun’ in a restaurant?! Hide the knives! I was seated in a booth next to one of Courtney Love’s baby doll dresses. It was framed and mounted like a dead animal. Definitely disturbing, but I was starving so I fought off the gag reflex and ate.


The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

I am so against the R&R HOF in principle. However, since I was in Cleveland I had to check it out. I’d say 10% of it is gobsmacked amazing. The other 90% is crap. While standing in line waiting for the museum to open, an older white trash couple in front of me noticed 'Super Freak' playing over the PA. To which the guy said "Rick James ain't Rock and Roll!" and then went off on a little tirade about how inappropriate Rick James' presence was on this hallowed ground.

Dude, BILLY JOEL was inducted into your R&R HOF and yet they refuse to even acknowledge BLACK SABBATH. ‘Uptown Girl’ over ‘War Pigs’?!! Die.

My music geek highlights and rants:

  • The Blank Generation display (70's Punk): The pieces of Paul Simonen's bass that he's smashing on the cover of London Calling. Johnny Thunders' guitar and stage clothes circa 1989. Those clothes could probably go into rehab on their own.
  • Seattle display (Grunge): Surreal that I have most of the records on display. Hope I die before I get mold.
  • The only Zeppelin memorabilia was John Paul Jones items, such as his circa-1970 electric piano and bass. Where’s a Page violin bow, Bonham’s bass drum, Plant’s 70’s hair dryer, or at least the Seattle red snapper?!
  • The Who: 1965 Keith Moon stage outfit and 1967 drumhead. Pete's 70’s era #5 Les Paul.
  • Alice Cooper's Billion Dollar Babies boots.
  • Duane Allman's gold top Les Paul and cherry red SG.
  • The Ohio Music display case: Cramps, Dead Boys, Devo, Guided By Voices, NIN, etc. Nice local content.
  • A display case of old radios circa 1940-50's.
  • 1970's Lynyrd Skynyrd display cases: Great stuff. Allen Collins' Explorer, etc. A woman was telling her kids how she saw Skynyrd in 1976 with The Marshall Tucker Band (!). She also said how she still remembers where she was when she heard about the plane crash (at a football game in New Orleans). What a cool mom!
  • The package of circa 1960's Diana Ross & The Supremes branded white bread.
  • The gift shop has a locked display case of "valuable" rock memorabilia for sale. Plenty of Beatles, Stones, Elvis, etc. items. However, for the crafty museum visitor I say snap up the Dio guitar pic that's a bargain at $20!
  • Lotsa guitars all over the place. My favorite: Johnny Cash's with his name inlaid on the fretboard. Who woulda thunk: one of Kirk Hammett's beaten up ESP axes. I knew him when he was THIS tall!
  • Cream of the Crap: The Parental Advisory signs regarding "mature themes"! It's ROCK AND ROLL!! Also, the crap music the museum plays over the PA.. Mostly COMPLETELY inoffensive, disco / dance songs. I would have paid an extra $2 admission to at least hear 'Starfucker' by the Rolling Stones and watch the reaction of visitors.
  • Cream of the Crap II: A Bon Jovi display. Dave Matthews Band stage clothes. There was a large Methodist Church group touring the museum (they were all wearing matching t-shirts). They seemed to be digging the display case of Britney Spears stage costumes (Sinners!).

I got cocky and thought I could give the finger to the museum's "No Cameras / Photography" policy. Ironically, the first (and last) pic I snapped was of the San Francisco Summer of Love display. I was immediately busted by a security guard. Oh Irony, you are indeed funny.

Oh yeah! The Darkness:


The Scene Pavilion as “seen” from across the muddy waters of the Cuyahoga River

My 4th time seeing The Darkness and I guess I’m ready to admit I might have a problem. Maybe.. Oh yeah?!! Hey!! You know what?!! I can quit ANY TIME I want!! I just don’t WANT to… It’s fun being 16 years old again, but with the means to act upon those geek impulses.

I imagine seeing Justin’s brand new, custom made, one-of-a-kind ”Seashell” Les Paul is what Mel Gibson feels when he sees a Bible. If Gibson had cast a musical instrument in the lead role of The Passion of The Christ, he would have cast that guitar. Never has a Rock Star wielded a more profound axe. The wonder of Rock is mighty indeed.

I've givin' up, givin' up, givin' a fuck.

Twas a surgically precise 5,000 mile (round trip) concert experience. Hopped on a plane. Rocked. Hopped on a plane. Home. The Rock Godz are demanding, but reward their believers in kind. Praise be to my guardian Rock Angel (Hi Skychick!).

It should be noted that this was not the most extreme that I’ve gone for a music fix. That record is still held by the 10,000 mile (r.t.) S.F. > London escapade to grovel and drool at a Nick Cave lecture / solo performance in 1999. See! I DON’T have a problem!

A HUGE shout out to Jim and the Cleveland Old School for the much appreciated hospitality! Ian Hunter sang the truth – Thanks, my bruthas! Redd Kross and Quadrophenia 4-Ever! Check out Jim’s bitchin’ Hellbomb products at your local Hot Topic or via the Hellbomb web site.

On the way back to San Francisco some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Beer count = 5. Doobie Brothers shirts seen = 1. Iron Maiden shirts seen = 2. Samhain shirts = 1. Misfits shirts seen = 0. “Hello Cleveland!"

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Velvet Revolver

Velvet Revolver
The Warfield, San Francisco
June 7, 2004


They should call this band Zero Body Fat. I say forget Atkins. Get on whatever junk Scott Weiland was / is on if you wanna fit into that summer swimsuit.. or if you wanna be able to slide yourself through a mail slot.

It's nice to see hats back in rock: Scott Weiland's SS style commandant chapeau and Slash's trademark top hat added an Old World sensibility to the Lock 'N Loll madness. When Slash donned the top hat for the encores I thought to myself "I can't remember the last time I saw A HAT getting a crowd reaction like this.." Such is the magic of Rock Stars. They can turn the world on with their smile. They can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile.

I also couldn't remember the last time I saw a front man lean over the crowd and a chick grabbing a handful of his goods. I hope that's covered by Rock Star workman's comp, dude.

On the way back to the car some pimply faced teenagers called me a fag. Beer count = None. Number of guys wearing crushed velvet vests = 1. The band members were all wearing pants that you probably couldn't buy off the rack at Macy's.



Wednesday, May 12, 2004

The Rock

Umlaut spent the night on Alcatraz "for work". To make a long story short, a group from my company had to visit The Rock after hours to do maintenance work on equipment we have there. After 5 hours of fairly draining work we had the rest of the night / morning to roam pretty much wherever we wanted. A Park Service employee also gave us a pretty cool tour.

Twas pretty amazing. We spent 2+ hours wandering the nooks and crannies of The Rock, including several areas that are off limits to the public for various reasons. Plus, it was crazy being alone on Alcatraz without any tourists. Spooky 'N Special. Attached are a few of my favorite pics:

Me-Sick: The operating table in the Operating Room of the Hospital. The room has no lights so it was pitch black (hence the shot being off center). Only the moonlight coming through the windows reflected off the cold stainless steel of the operating table.....

Hospital-Sleeping: The sleeping arrangement some of my co-workers and I had in the Hospital area. We could have slept in the cells, but the Hospital was more hardcore. The Hospital has been off limits to the public since 1991 and is considered the most "paranormally active" area of the prison. The Park Service supplied the foam mattresses under our sleeping bags. As we were putting the mats down I suggested we lay them in the shape of a pentagram. Nervous laughter ensued.

Indian-Graffiti: Graffiti in the prison chapel painted during the 1969-71 Native American occupation of the island. REDRUM! The chapel is off limits to the public.

Main-Street: The main cell block at around 2:00am in the morning. EMPTY. QUIET. The only noise was that of a ventilation fan. The highlight of my night on The Rock was answering the call of nature at around 4:00am. The only bathroom is the public one that's located OUTSIDE of the prison building. This meant walking through the Hospital, down a hallway, past the Psych Ward, past the Operating Room, past the Pharmacy (considered THE single most haunted room in the prison), down some stairs, through the kitchen (where most of the prison's violence happened), walking the entire length of the cell block down Main Street, then outside. Aside from the cell block there were only a few lights on anywhere else (I had a flashlight). Going out wasn't so bad since I was literally headed towards the light (the dim lighting of the cell block stays on overnight). However, the return trek was trippy since I was headed back towards darkness, especially when I reached the Hospital area. Twas better than any Metal song I've ever listened to..

Pretty much wherever you go you hear the screeching of seagulls and other birds that live on the island and around the prison buildings. If you're in the right state of mind they sound like people screaming. Hee Hee. In the morning we walked out onto the large courtyard in front of the Administration Building to drink our coffee and take in the view of The City and S.F. Bay. We were greeted by the sight of two seagulls f*cking. Don't drop the soap!!

A pretty amazing experience. The icing on the cake was that the weather was PERFECT during the night and in the morning. Absolutely no wind and crystal clear conditions. The view of San Francisco from The Rock was absolutely STUNNING (especially at night).

When you next see me and I have the tear drop tattoo under my eye you'll know why.

No remorse,
"Pretty Boy" Umlaut

Friday, May 07, 2004

Bioengineered Corporate Rock Rules

Elton John / Matchbox 20 / Mary J. Blige
Genentech Avastin Approval Celebration
Genentech Parking Lot, South San Francisco, CA
May 7, 2004


What does a leading biotech company do when the FDA approves its new Colorectal Cancer drug? They kick out the jams motherf*cker! I've been to a lot of corporate parties, but this one was "off the hook" (as the kidz say). Around 15,000 employees and guests gathered in a South San Francisco parking lot surrounded by huge food tents, plenty of alcohol / beverage bars, a Ferris Wheel, ice cream and pop corn carts, a huge kid's slide shaped like the sinking Titanic, and plenty of Porta-Potties. Corporate Rock Rules.

None of the musical acts were announced in advance, so there was a palpable buzz in the air as Genentech's CEO came onstage to announce the first performer. Unfortunately, he didn't say "You wanted the best and you got the best! The hottest band in the world..." What followed was rather surreal. Mainstream MTV icons performing in a South San Francisco parking lot. It was almost Punk Rock. Almost. Okay, maybe not at all.

Mary J. Blige: I've probably had her Behind The Music episode on the t.v. while doing something 'round the house? I've caught glimpses of her videos on MTV and VH1. I still don't have a clue about her. However, the bartenders were impressed. One shouted "Mary J. Blige?!! NO WAY!!!" Dude! Way! I grabbed a beer and walked off looking for some shade to sit under to kick it on the down low (or whatever it is the kidz say). I still can't see the value in having back-up dancers onstage. In fact, onstage dance choreography kinda makes me angry.

Matchbox 20: This crap could be played anywhere and not offend anyone. Lock 'N Loll so neutered that it's completely non-threatening. When they played their big MTV hit from several years back it was met with screams of recognition. I imagine that more than a few of the younger folks in the crowd lost their virginity in college with that song playing. Bummer. The singer kept patting his heart with his hand while he sang his "meaningful" lyrics. He should have been patting his wallet since it was swollen with corporate cash. I can't think of a more appropriate band to celebrate a new Colorectal Cancer drug with than Matchbox 20.

Sir Elton: I'll give him credit, he came out Old School and kept it that way for most of his 90 minutes. The set opening shot of 'The Bitch Is Back' > 'Bennie And The Jets' > 'Levon' was actually rather good. It would have been a nice touch if he'd changed the words to 'Rocket Man' to 'Avastin Man' in honor of the new drug.. but he didn't and the moment was lost. Evidently Sir Elton woke up in London that morning, flew to San Francisco for the gig, and was flying back across the pond immediately afterwards. He made more money in 90 minutes than you and I will make in our entire lifetimes combined.

I was hoping he'd play one song in particular. So when he announced "This one's for all the tiny dancers in the world.." I almost screamed like a little schoolgirl. Almost. Blame 'Almost Famous'.. Then Sir Elton had to harsh my good vibe by playing one of his crappy 80's songs whose title I can't remember.

I think I speak for everyone who was there when I say that as Elton sang 'Candle In The Wind' it really brought the spirit of Princess Diana to the wind swept South San Francisco parking lot. I know as I gazed around the asphalt at the empty beer cups, water bottles, and the line outside of the Porta-Potties that stood in the shadow of the 5-level parking garage, I had the image of Dodie and Diana in my mind.. Together 4-ever. Man, so sad. Makes you think, ya know? *Sigh*

For his encore, Sir Elton bounded back onstage wearing an almost too casual jogging suit.. The reason for the jogging suit soon became obvious. After running through a perfunctory version of 'Your Song' he did the total "Elvis-Has-Left-The-Building" rock star dash to a waiting SUV that sped him off the Genentech site towards his waiting plane faster than you can say "Colorectal Cancer".

On the way back to the car some pimply faced teenagers called me a fag. Misfits shirts seen = 1. Beer count = 3. Thanks to the DNA Kidz for the invite. Sir Elton's hair is a wonder of modern science.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The Darkness Weekend

The Darkness
Henry Fonda Theater, Hollywood, California
April 17-18, 2004


Editor's Note: This is the last Darkness rant Umlaut will issue for at least 2 months. Promise. Hey man, I DON'T have a problem! I can quit any time I want...

I fully intended to document The Darkness Weekend in proper Umlautian fashion. But when I got home from the road trip I was tired so I let it slide. Now over a week has passed and I should have struck while the iron was hot. As compensation, this newsletter is enhanced with visuals:



Note the band's tour bus, their semi, AND the Capitol Records building. So Ca-lee-for-nee-ahh Lock 'N Loll.

A Close Encounter of The Darkness Kind: In person, The Darkness look the way Rock Stars are supposed to… They are tall. All of the lads are at least 6'2".. They are towering the way Rock Stars should be… They look tall sitting down. But they genuinely seem like nice small town English blokes thrust into the limelight. Not like when you meet, say, the drummer from a certain multi-platinum band whose name rhymes with Metallica.

They all made eye contact AND had firm handshakes. They listened when spoken to and responded in kind. I believe it's what's known as communication skills. It's a valuable trait in The Real World and I think it's an asset in The Rock World too.

Celebrity Sightings: The drummer from the Foo Fighters, Billy Duffy of The Cult, and film director Jim Jarmusch (!). I also recognized a guy standing at the soundboard as having been a Jet crew guy a couple of weeks before in S.F.. I know... It's pathetic when you recognize the roadies. But I only have myself to blame.

Cutest Couple: A 12-year old boy wearing his just-purchased Darkness tour shirt sitting with his dad, who was wearing a Queen shirt. If you attended a 50 Cent concert would there be a kid whose dad is wearing a Rick James shirt? Doubt it.

On Saturday afternoon we stalked the band at the Virgin Megastore on Sunset Blvd. On Saturday night we stalked the band in the alley behind the venue after the show. On Sunday there were an inordinate number of Iron Maiden shirts in the crowd. Danzig shirts seen = 1.

On the way back to San Francisco some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Beer count for the weekend = 5. Being in the midst of 1,200 people all singing "Get your hands offa my woman, motherf*cker" is the closest thing to The Passion of the Christ I'll experience all year. The Darkness had me at "whence".


Sunday, April 25, 2004

X

X
Slim's, San Francisco
April 24, 2004


The last time I saw X was in 1987 at a neon dance club in downtown San Jose. Jayne was with me but she doesn't remember it (Hi Jayne!).

I rolled out of the house at 9:45pm. Met up with the posse from the Inner Sunset and was inside Slim's by 10:15pm. Exene & Co. were onstage at 10:30pm. I was unlocking the door to my house at 12:20am. A surgically precise "F*ck you, I'm 40" concert experience.

Watching the former Mrs. Aragorn sing while she cradled a bottle of beer in the crook of her arm was comforting. It was like she was Mary and the beer was Baby Jesus. She's a daughter of kings, a Shieldmaiden of Rohan.. The show was all killer no filler. All the hits. It's eerie that I know all of their songs and most of their lyrics since I've never been X obsessed. They've always just "been there" in my record collection. It was comforting. "The world's a mess, it's in my kiss..."

On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Beer count = O (But I did have 2 at the A's game earlier in the day.. so that should count for some credit). Billy Zoom is a grinning marionette come to life sent to play that goddam Gretsch Silver Jet. Amen.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

Jet

Jet
Virgin Megastore, San Francisco
Easter Sunday, 2004


All Australia needs is a band named after a train and there could be an Aussie Trains, Planes (Jet), and Automobiles (The Datsuns) Tour... Where's an A&R guy when you need one?! It annoys me that EVERY rock band that comes out of Australia is compared to AC/DC. Any knowledgeable rock fan will recognize that Jet is more akin to Rose Tattoo! Look 'em up. IMO on the obligatory retro rock comparison chart Jet = The Faces / Humble Pie.

Holy shite... Did I miss the boat on this band! I blame MTV / VH1 / MTV2 / Apple iPod commercials for assaulting me non-stop with Jet's ubiquitous 'Are You Gonna Be My Girl'. I simply refused to give 'em a chance.. I'm sure a lot of the kidz in attendance were bummed the band wasn't wearing the retro military uniforms that they wear in the MTV video. But I like my rock bands with long greasy hair, wrinkled clothes, and a cocky swagger.. and when they started playing it was good 'ol fashioned '30 Days In The Hole' style Lock 'N Roll.

Me wrikey rots.

In time honored Lock 'N Loll fashion, the band was 45 minutes late... Jet are learning how to be Rock Stars the old fashioned way. And since it was a free in-store thing they only played 20 minutes... But I was sold. I'll throw down some green to see 'em next time 'round.

On the way back to the car some pimply-faced teenagers called me a fag. Afterwards I "jetted" down to San Jose for Easter dinner with my family.. On the way I stopped at a fine indie record store to score the Jet CD used.. 'Get Me Outta Here' and 'Cold Hard Bitch'.. I may have found a new favorite band to carry me through the upcoming Summer of Darkness Backlash.